fall stomps your neutz

FUCK.ME. its fucking BACK people! thats right, the king of entertainment is back, Breaking Bad ended this past sunday, and with that, I can safely say summer is over. was your summer a not bummer summer? good, mine was awesome. but lets get on something important now, mainly that the 2nd best season of all is here. thats right bitches, FUCKING AUTUMN IN THIS BITCH!!!! what makes Autumn 2nd best season you ask? well lets break it down.

reason 1. FOOTBAW

I don't care if every football player dies at 50, crippled and pissing himself. ain't anyone I know and they made millions, so suck on that, ESPN. I get to spend the next 4 months rooting for my beloved eagles to go 10-6, make me invent new swear words, turn into a violent, angry person come december and january. I get to root for the possibility that Eli Manning and Tim Tebow both die in glory hole related accidents. I get to spend my sundays wishing sweet death upon my opponents fantasy players, while praying that this year I get to kick just as much ass as the year before. and on top of all of that: COLLEGE FOOTBALL. ain't no hatin like college football hatin. I bet you could put 20 alabama and LSU fans in a room and watch them rip each other apart with their bare, rednecky hands. college football features whackier offenses, skullet rocking head coaches, and hilarious corruption. who isn't in? I know I am. go Rutgers, the only *farts, sniffs it* PUUUURE school in all college football. i get to enjoy all sorts of 12 hour football marathons and viscious hatred for the next 3 months.

reason 2. tee vee!

the dramas are in the spring and summer, so fall is comedy season. all the great shows are comin back, from Happy Endings to Parks and Rec. I get to pray community lives and watch as it is ripped apart, enjoy the last season of 30 rock, and wonder why the fuck the office is still around. ABC right now is the strongest network (sorry NBC, but Happy endings and Modern family? thats a killer combo, plus don't trust the Bitch in apartment 23). your parents will watch CBS and enjoy the procedurals, while I will watch How I met your Mother and resist the urge to punch ted Mosby in the face for being such a fucking tool. I get to enjoy its always sunny in Philadelphia and the league, which is the best hour of comedy on tv all year. do you not watch either? get on it, always sunny is the most consistently funny, rude half hour on tv, while the league is more like watching your extremely funny group of friends just riff with each other, but better in every way because its filled with that deep seated hatred over something silly (fantasy football) that binds people. in the drama category, Dexter is back for another season, so theres that, as is Sons of anarchy, another show that has petered out to a degree. Homelands back for season 2 after a strong first season.  the fall drama slate, all in all, is loaded with a bunch of shows that are simply ok, and thats fine. Sunday nights (the drama night, if you're a TV Junkie) is already full of sunday night football, so I have no issue if its filled with shows that are merely eh, and besides, we have so many great comedies coming back, we should be happy.

reason 3. HOLIDAYS!!!

Summer is too hot to have holidays, and while spring has easter, its got nothing else with it. Fall Has Halloween, one of the great days in human history where you get candy as a child, drunk as an adult and then party hard and see women in slutty costumes. then, just a few weeks later, is thanksgiving, the king of holidays. Thanksgiving has food all day, football, alcohol, pie, a nap thrown in, and best of all, leftovers. I love my thanksgiving leftover sandwich possibly more than thanksgiving itself, because its so.fucking.good. I'm a man who rocks the dark meat, some stuffing, green bean casserole, gravy and cranberry sauce, smush it down and eat it in the most horrifying matter possible. I am known to nearly die on thanksgiving unhinging my jaw like an anaconda for food, because I will be damned if I am beaten to the dark meat by my idiot brother. but back to halloween, do you realize that few holidays rule across all ages? as a kid, you get candy for nothing. as a teenager, you got elaborate costumes, as a young adult, drunken parties, and as a grown man with no kids, drinking and monster movies. god, fall kicks the shit out of summer. Summer is hot, sticky, too long and filled with awkward bathing suits (not me, I rock a delightful stars and stripes board shorts that makes me nearly irresistable to the ladies) and on top of all of that, theres no good summer holidays. the 4th is ok, and it IS america day, but theres no good holidays. jesus, fall rules so hard I am harder than wolverines bones after hanging out around weapon X too long. I cannot emphasis all the reason fall ghettostomps, but its so ballar it hurt.

dear 90's nostalgia: die in a chimp attack

do you know whats been grinding my gears, gang? the fact that every thumbdicked, pastythighed, 2 cent assclown on facebook thinks he (or she, I'm not sexist ladies!) is thinking that OMG THE 90'S LOL I AM SO CLEVER FOR IT GAIZ. let me put a rest to this right now.

if you are, as of this reading, under 18 (and I am probably being liberal with my dating here) sorry! you missed out on 90's nostalgia, enjoy reminiscing for fairly odd-parents and jimmy neutron and all that, but as for the early stuff? nope. in fact, if it was made on nickelodeon or cartoon network or disney before 1996, you don't get to reminisce about it. Yes, I group Rugrats in there, you can have the shitty ones with dill and kimi, but I will keep the originals.

you can have rocket power and spongebob, even though I love Rocket Power very very much. you can keep figure it out and invader zim (despite the fact figure it out had summer sanders, who was a FOX AND A HALF). you can Have all that with leeroy and fuzz and danny tamberelli, the only ginger italian to ever live. seriously, check em

noted thing Danny Tamberelli doesn't have I do? SOUL.

Now, you can have late 90's all that and figure it out Tamberelli, but I will keep Little Pete Danny Tamberelli and fight for Pete and Pete to my grave, because pete and pete is, quite simply, the best show ever made, and a shining example of a show that does NOT get its dick sucked nearly the amount it deserves by so called "90's kids". oh, you remember how LOLHILARIOUS rugrats in paris is, yet you can't remember Little petes Tattoos name? NO NOSTALGIA FOR YOU AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

its overblown and overdone, people like "I miss the good ole days". the good ole days of what? being a kid? yeah, its solid, but kids can't drink, drive, drink AND drive (note: don't drink and drive, its bad, mmmkay?), they can't buy anything, they can't remember things that far back, and they are generally just not that interesting to hang out with. we all miss being kids, doesn't mean we need to bitch about it. and on top of that, do you know how annoying it is for us to say we miss the good old days? christ, we are not even 30 yet and we are pining for days gone by? at least our parents had the common decency to wait till they were old and shitty and boring to pine for the good ole days and how they made the world a real good place to live and fuck you for not doing anything with YOUR life. god, we are so stupid we get nostalgic for stuff that happened yesterday, we dont even bother looking forward to the future because we are too busy shoving our heads up our asses and sniffing it and wondering why it smelt like angels and bacon and Blake Livelys hair yesterday, and today its all awful and shitty and it will never be as good as it was then.

Do you guys realize how balls to the wall awesome the future is going to be? Jetpacks! hoverboards! we're a mere 30 years or so away from the singularity, when moores law (which states computing power doubles every 18 months) will finally, hopefully, cross the threshold for the ability to store a human mind on a hard drive. let me put it to you this way: you will live forever in a fantasy world your mind controls in what will likely be a robot body. HOW.AWESOME.IS.THAT?! I'll let that sink in for a second people. we're going to go to mars in our lifetime, get pictures of pluto, maybe perfect fusion here or there, solve great mysteries of physics, dig something ballar up from under the earth. we'll find new elements and write new books, create great works of art and elect our own awful politicians. soon we'll have our own weiner kids who will be watching robot sesame street and listening to music that makes us want to throw up in our mouths. Are there lots of shitty problems that people of the previous generation have caused? of course. but it is our job to clean up their shit and leave a whole new mess of shit for the next generation to clean up while we get old and bitch about stuff. I for one can't wait for that. but I've been side-tracked.

don't get me wrong, the 90's ruled in a lot of ways, but theres plenty of the 90's that sucked. let us not forget the 90's gave the cowboys success and brett favre too. let us not forget some of the truly awful shows of the 90's (catdog anyone? My Cousin Skeeter? Caitlins way? 2 stupid dogs?), or the fact that while grunge does rule, late 90's music is mostly ass, do you know ANYONE who wishes for a backstreet boys reunion who isn't a girl, or the fact that the spice girls existed then? it wasn't all pete and pete and wild n crazy kids. it was not all darkwing duck and mighty morphin power rangers, there was plenty of awful, awful shit during the 90's that we casually sweep under the rug in favor of rocket power.


 that being said, heres my simple 90's checklist, you need at least 80 percent of these to be considered sufficiently 90's to have nostalgia. if you lack these, sorry for party rocking, but no nostalgia for you, you get to enjoy the awful life of early aughtstalgia:

did you own a SNES or Genesis? (there is NO and in this scenario, and Genesis all the way)

consequently, N64 or PS1 (this you can have an and, but if you do, you're probably lacking in a soul)

do you know Mike O'malley (Kappa sigma!) for his work on Glee or for his legendary 4 words that changed America? (if you chose glee, you can leave and never come back)

did you find mew under the truck?

you know for a fact that the x-men cartoon is light years better than hugh jackman nancing about as Wolverine.

did you also hate the little kid on the car power rangers, and was  100 percent of the reason because he got to hang out with Tommy?

Oregon trail: beatable or not beatable?

how good were you at type to learn (for the record, I RULED type to learns shit and made it cry tears of blood and stole from its family)

did you believe you can fly? did you in fact, get shot by the FBI? was all you wanted a chicken wing, from McDonalds or Burger King?

who enjoyed kenan and kel? No one? good, because my brother and me was the superior show and we all know it.

why was vanessa on both my brother and me AND  gulla gulla island?

the best episodes of Magic schoolbus were.... (there IS a right answer to this one)

waking up early for pokemon: the best? (side: I woke up early once for pokemon, saw the episode where ash and pikachu meet the gang of wild pikachu, and ash LETS PIKACHU GO. I missed the end because I had to catch the bus and barely made it through school. worst day ever)

can you sing the full house theme song? failing that, Family matters or Married with children will suffice.

do you remember when the simpsons was actually the best show ever? no? thats a paddlin.

legends of the hidden temple. pick a team. any team (Spoiler: if you pick the silver snakes, you're a toolbox)

How did we dominate the olympics, yet lose Global GUTS on our own turf?

how was global GUTS global if only like, 5 countries competed?

Mark Summers: guy on unwrapped or...original host...of double dare?

sports illustrated for kids: the best?

did you secretly love the hornets for their boss colors? ditto for the mighty ducks (AND ONLY ZEE MIGHTY DUCKS PEOPLE)

you remember when Hockey was on ESPN and was more legit than the NBA and MLB.

you grew up with 3 certainties in sports: the yankees would win a world series, Pat Summeral sounded AWESOME and you would get roughly 2000000 baseball games a year on tv.

the sandlot is the best movie about baseball and whomever greenlit the 2nd and 3rd ones should be tried in a manner not dissimilar to the nuremberg trials.

you had the best collection of VHS' on the block.

Pablo sanchez was THE.MAN.

Seinfeld kicked so much ass, what was the deal with how jerry talked? why did you talk like that way too?

how many capri-sun cell phones did you have?  where you fold it up and talk to it like you're a big important man?

Lunchables: amazing or UH-MAH-ZING?

april kicks ass and march sucks a boatload of old people taint

goddamn, february  is mediocre.its cold, theres one good sporting event (the super bowl) no excuses to party and presidents day. it is also the beginning of the worst stretch known to man, from after the super bowl to april might as well be called "ha ha fucko, enjoy having nothing to do" really, whats in march that makes you go hard enough to mine diamonds? St patricks days ok, and march madness is cool, I guess, but those both come towards the end of march. you realize march is 31 days? thats 34 days too much of fucking march. March may have spring break, but its too damn cold to enjoy it. if you meet anyone who ranks march as a good month, that person is probably suffering from brain damage and is useless to society. seriouly, fuck March.

April? now April kicks ass. Aprils got good tv (mad men AND game of thrones?! sploodge) weather that humans can actually enjoy, sports that are actually good to watch, with the NHL and NBA playoffs beginning (and in the NBA's case, never really ending), the Masters on sunday, Baseball opening up and the goddamn NFL draft. the NFL draft is the super bowl for hardcore NFL people like myself, I get all wet in the pants at draft time because its so balls to the wall awesome. do I watch all 7 rounds? fuck and yes I do. Do I do mock drafts and follow player stock from september till draft day? HA-YUPPPPP. and andrew luck, you guys hear about andrew luck? he went to stanford! he wants to be an architect! HE'S SO BEAUTIFULLY WHITE, IT IS HE WHO SHALL SAVE US FROM THE HIPPITY HOPPITY ME FIRST SPEED THIEVES OF THE CURRENT NFL AND USHER IN A NEW AGE OF JOHNNY UNITAS AND VINCE LOMBARDIS AND *Old white man bukkake*

seriously, if we're gonna have one NFL prospect get blown, it damn well better be one who deserves it, like noted dreamboat/future hall of famer Matt Barkley, or Robert griffin model 3.0. but anyway, I digress

april also (usually) houes the mot underrated holiday of the year. thats right, Easter. Now, I know what your thinking "Easter sucks! church is hot and i hate wearing nice clothes" I agree on all counts, but easter also has lamb, and lamb is just the best, you guys. seriously, Lamb is delicious and yummy and its so perfect and oh now its like watching a kate upton video in slow motion for me.

that sound you just heard is my erection hitting the moon over this shit.

morever, Easters one of three holidays (thanksgiving and christmas being the other two ) where I see my extended, kickass family. my family, for the record, is much better than yours and you will have to accept this on pure conjecture, its ok, I know your jealous, but if your lucky, you'll marry in and realize how kickass we are. My familys snot the type that gets together and fingers each other on arbor day, we get together for important holidays and thats it. no muss, no fuss no coconuts, so add that to the reasons april rules.

Aprils weather is terrific also. its warm and enjoyable, and days are routinely in the gecko sweetspot of 45-70 degrees, i can wear shorts outside  and begin to drink outdoors at 3 PM. Barbeque comes back too, fuck I love barbeque, nothing beats pulled pork or some ribs with potato salad or mac salad or burgers and dogs on the grill. March has none of this shit, its still too cold for all this and the occasional warm march day is overshadowed by the pantheon of suck that is freezing balls cold in march. seriously March, go fuck yourself, we should eliminate you entirely so the calender goes like this

January
 february (abbreviated to 5 days)
APRILFUCKYESITSAPRIL
may
June
julaugustly (combining July an august into one hot 62 day shithole of a month)
september AKA football month 1
doctemver (a combo month of the last 3, with halloween, christmas and thanksgiving all appreciated equally, plus MORE FOOTBALL and less shitty parts)

really, we still use a calender made by people who thought vomitorums were cool and struggled to invade France, we need a calender that properly kicks ass for our modern times. I'm embarassed for us, society, lets fix it and give April its due as the best month of the year.

game of thrones rules

having spent most of my winter break with my thumb up my ass and my dick in my hand, I am glad to report that game of thrones is, in fact, the shit. now, gordon geckos (thats what I call my fans, its lame) know the only I thing I love more than tv is busty broads in tiny clothes, but tv might top them even, mainly because tv HAS busty broads in tiny clothes on it, and its in HD!

seriously though, back to game of thrones. do you like your tv served with a side of kickass and topped off with pure, unfiltered guitar solos? than game of thrones is for you. heres a quick rundown of season 1s most ballar moments

dwarven man has sex with 3 women.


 a horse gets decapitated, here, I'll show you!

a guy gets stabbed through the eye.


a girl eats a horse heart.raw.

a bitchy 13 year old boy gets smacked in the mouth by a midget.twice.

a guy gets killed by molten gold being poured on his head. SO FUCKING METAL YOU GUYS check it

twincest. lotsa twinsect

a man dies by getting owned, then falls  a few hundred feet down a hole.

an italian man kicks the shit out of armed guards with a wooden sword.

a fat guy gets smacked around by swords.

a eunuch who looks like a full grown baby being a puppet master like a boss.

the most unlikable doucheliscious tv character in many moons in joffery baratheon. kids a straight ANUS.

a guy pulls his best friends tongue out through his throat, then does one of the best come at me bros of all.time. check it

a guy gets stabbed int he neck,t hen GUSHES BLOOD HOLY SHIT

a midget brains a dude with a shield

and so much more badass stuff that your mindhole might not be able to take it. but besides all this ballar-osity going down, there is plenty of good artsy fartsy stuff. the characters are extremely well written and acted, for one. theres more balls in Game of thrones than on all of CBS combined, no one is safe, no character is too liked to die, no story is out of bounds. Listen, I loev tv, I love violence, and I love tits. Game of thrones has all 3 in spades. if you can, watch season 1 ASAP. we've got less than 2 months till season 2 on HBO, and i for one cannot.fucking.WAIT. sunday nights with mad men AND game of thrones? My dick is hard enough to go diamond mining with. I could cut wolverines bones with my nipples I am so fucking pumped. Don Draper and Tyrion Lannister? Roger Sterling and Robb Stark? Peggy olson and Danaerys targaryen? I am fucking excited, you guys. if you're not? well fuck off, Imma be rocking a trimester of an erection for the duration of this shit.