HURRDURR or why godaddy thinks I'm an idiot bonus! tv breakdown

if you've read the esteemed gecko gazette (that is, this website, no one under 90 reads newspapers except for crosswords and bridge stuff, nor is it a more esteemed blog because thats the funniest thing ever, blogs with esteem). then you know that I watch a little more tv than the average joe. as I type this sentence, I'm watching tony bourdain go through spain and eat food that I would sell my family into white slavery for. so more often than not, I watch commercials. I've grown to love certain commercials and loathe certain commericals, so thats what we're doing today, breaking down commercials. I am doing this entirely randomly, as I am watching tv, I'll wait for a commerical to come on as we speak, its a semi-live blog. standard 1-10 format, based on how funny/clever they are, how insulting (or lack thereof) they are. do note, I'm trying to avoid info
mercials and ads for a channel or show, its pure commerical 30 second spots here also, I'll be telling you whats on at this hour. why you ask? My wisdom tooth is growing and I can't sleep and this episode of justified isn't loading online, and I'll be damned if I don't get enjoyment out of life.

2:51 AM, spike tv, between manswers: taco bell ad with asif manvi from the daily show. 99 cent crunchwraps? shit, Bin ladens zombie could be selling that while raping my mother and i'd give that ad a 10, thats all I need to know. crunch wraps are the bombs mom. 10/10 for you taco bell! FLIP!

2:53: bourdains still in spain, eating grilled chorizo. I am now hungry for chorizo AKA the sausage king (the sausage king is totally my porn name), CHANNEL FLIP. 8/10 for that

2:55: food network is doing food network challenge, and the challenge is...bake a cake thatsa romance novel cover? 2/10, LONELINESS EARNS NO POINTS HERE, TWILIGHT FANS AND CAT LADIES. eating a cake that looks like a romance book cover is the lonliest activity known to man. period.

2:58: sportscenter top 10. I've always wondered what the true A-team of sportcenter is. is it the two people who do the 9 to noon sportscenter? is it the 6 to 7 PM guys? is it the dudes who do the 1 AM sportscenter that airs roughly 900 times a day?  sportcenter power dynamics are fascinating, also, sportscenter power dynamics is my indie band name. sportcenter gets a 8/10, I watch too much of it.

3:05: food networks got unwrapped and the immortal mark summers. Mark summers, for those not in the know, is THE MAN. he hosted double dare on nickelodeon in the 90's, and has the worlds most wonderful voice, he pauses at the best times...in the world. he adds so much drama to otherwise boring situations. Motherfucker made history IQ interesting, I should know, I'm the only person who has ever watched history IQ.Heres a picture of Marc summers

Marc Summers....is going to have to dare you to be as cool as him? pass? DOUBLE DARE'D BITCH

apropos (vocab 5 Van Der Beek!)

thanks VDB! anyway, apropos of nothing, am I the only one who remembers double dare 2000? the show that was trying to be double dare, only the host was a total tool? I bet that guy totally went home and iced people, or whatever the 2000 equivalent of icing was, I dunno, I'll say it was probably circle jerking. that guy was the picasso of bukkake, (mental note: Picassos of bukkake is another good indie band name), except he would get picassokakked, not give out. but taken, all over his chest and face, I bet that guy always lost at toast and was happier for it, but only to prove how ungay he was, He's a classic closet douche and I wish that at whatever waffle house he works at now he gets fired from for hosting double dare 2000, shit, I could and will do a ranking of the nick game shows of the 90's, thank god for later editing, gang! anyway, back to unwrapped rating.

 its a  9/10, only because the people on unwrapped have the dumbest titles ever. I'll wait for it, don't worry

3:12: Ice Cream historian! dingdingdingding!

3:20: Pep boys ad! I love pep boys ads because they are simple, no singing animals. though those 3 dudes do look straight creepin though, I'm certain

the pep boys in their natural habitat.

I think a half hour of this gag works, so let me get to my point. the godaddy ads are fucking.terrible. oooh! this one is over the top! go online to see the UNRATED CONTENT! spoilers! theres no tits! and even if there is, who cares? its on the internet, tits are more common on the internet than  funny cats and pictures of dogs, does godaddy live on the mormon internet where there is no tits and dogs (just kidding! Mormon people don't trust the internet), and thus, promising naked tit-tays is a great way to boost pageviews? does anyone know what godaddy even SELLS? I'm baffled, but I'm certain its not porn. does Godaddy think that bu promising some naked tits, that people will flock to their website? do they think us fellas are really that dumb? I mean, sheeeet, I've seen beer ads during a football game with a better message to their male audience than that. christ, I hate advertising, ever since Don Draper left, its just not the same.