American Heroes and how to be an american

ok, do I have to do this opening? I'm a fucking STAR now, everyone knows this! I don't DO opening, send out jimenez to do it, I am going to sit in my trailer and masturbate furiously to playboy playmates, thank you very much.

what?

I'm not a star?

and I just did my opening anyway (heh heh, did your moms opening) shut up, inner voice!

whats my topic? america? I can dig that like I'm an 1850's california gold miner. BAM! History puns!

some great americans:

1. George Motherfucking washington

to NOT have George Motherfucking washington on a list of great americans is like having a list of the most lose people on earth and forgetting the french, its ri-fuckingdiculous, and you should be hit with rocks for being that dumb. why is George motherfucking washington american? do I have to answer that? DO I? fine, I will







1. flew on a dragon to fight the british, EVERYONE KNOWS THIS







2. only man ever (EVER) to beat the british empire. Yep, no one else beat em, germany? ass beatings from britain? france? france can't beat anyone. Spain? I'm pretty sure they don't fight. nope, only George MOTHERFUCKING washington has ever beaten the brits, shit, he even beat em near the top of their power, he and his generals (but most of those guys aren't awesome)





3. first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen, Washington was a general asskicker. do you know who fucked with washington from 1775 till he died? fuckin no one, thats who bitch. Washingtons semen inpregnated lady liberty, and out popped afuckingmerica. He is the father of america, and to not have george MOTHERFUCKING washington on this list is sad, and he's #1.





Person 2: Michael bay





oh, do I really have to? go read the michael bay article, He's like washingtons son, bitch.



Person 3: George Herman "Babe" Ruth



Babe ruth is to sports what washington is to freedom and liberty, in that both are the fathers of both, oh sure, the ideas and stuff existed before them, but who was the one to put them into practice? Babe ruth, thats who. Babe ruth was the ideal fucking american. He ate like a champ, drank like a boss, he was the king of fuck mountain, and he smoked cigars regularly. nowadays, a guy like that would be torn apart in the modern media as a bad influence, but the babe loved kids, not like Michael Jackson, Babe ruth created little league. Betcha didn't know that, didja? see, I'm capable of whipping out my facticles and plopping them down on the table for you to admire their sheer size weight and hairyness, not just easy tit jokes or nut butter puns here, nope, I got facts, bitch, so see my facticles? all laid out nicely on the table? suck it



THATS RIGHT BITCH, SUCK MY FACTS LIKE THEY WERE CANDY!!!!



oh, back to ruth.



Yeah, He created sports because he also helped create the best time in sports history, the new york motherfucking yankees, who have won more than I have and over a longer stretch of time.

now, how does one aquire the title, American? Americsan is the ultimate title, for lock of a better word, it sums up everything that is great, awesome, win, tits and kickass, to be called an american is a few steps below being god, but quite a few above victory master.

so do you become an american?

1. you must love america (obvious)

2. no really, you gotta love america

3. I'm not shitting you, you gotta love it more than you do fucking anything

4. you have to own at least 1 american flag and at least article of clothing with the american flag on it

5. can you sing the star spangled banner? good

6. America is fucking flawless, because I said so.

Nerds need to be pummelled, just some though, and the Kwanzaa gecko Hatestitution

ok, I am a bit of a nerd, let me be straight up real straight up with you guys, I love star wars, lord of the rings, Lost and some (SOME) anime, I have my dorky side, but don't we all? but something recently has come to my attention:

way too many of these fat fucks of basement dwellers need to get lives.

Now we've all heard this rant (MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOMS BASEMENT YOU FAT FUCKS) but over the past 10 years, with stuff like cheap cable modems, youtubes rise and the fact that deviantart is around are all major factors in this rise to fatosity. Now, lots of these basement nerds need a swift kick in the ass, because do you know what I never hear out of them? positivity. let me give you some examples

Watchmen:

anyone who saw watchmen can tell you, it was a lofty movie, had everything you could want, great cinematography, tits, explosions, flamethrowers, glowing blue dong, fucking everything. but what do the dork mafia say? wah wah, it should be a mini series, Zach snyder is ruining MY happiness, MY dreams, How dare he! to you, I kindly say, fuck yourselves with a curling iron. Zach Snyder and the rest of them do not exist to please you, you fat fuck, he exists to make absolutely Baysian (Michael Bay like) movies for the masses, featuring explosions fighting and sex. grow up! you and your message board strokebuddies don't count as "the majority".

Animefags:

do I really have to do this? I mean, come on, this is like shooting fish in a barrell...with a shotgun...that shoots bombs... Do I have to point out the obvious here? Animefags have more whine in them than the french and a southern california vineyard. "waaah, my favorite anime IS NOT FOR KIDS, IT IS A FUCKING SERIOUS.GODDAMN.SHOW" bro, in Japan, a lot of them are meant for kids. Now, I'm not gonna be that guy who says "anime sux lolroffle" cause anime does not suck. there is some generally badass anime out there, Dragonball Z, Yu Yu Hakusho, Naruto, all of these animes feature gratuitious fighting and plenty of explosions, Sailor moon has tits and short skirts for my pervy side, and Trigun is just fucking awesome. but the people who like anime, the ones who complain about "how america is RUINING it, they are butchering it" Die.now. You are a waste of my precious oxygen and food supply (not that they eat more than cheetos and mountain dew anyway). No one cares about your online petition, fag, to get uncut subbed episodes of fushugi I dunno, lets say sam, on DVD so you can spend Mommys Money on it, grow up, stop buying anime figurines and eating pocky, you smelly unshaven weirdo, and being a general drain on society, you're fat and nobody likes you, my god, my hate for you is almost as bad as my Hate for bros.

speaking of hate, Many have asked Me "Kwanzaa gecko, you are amazing, but why all the hate? and why only to bros" simple, Hating is who I am, thus, the hatestitution was born. whats a hatestitution? its a hate constitution, my rules of hating shit, here we go bitches, sign the hatestitution.

rule Uno: compound swear words are the best swear words (fucksucker, douchesmuggler, shitstraddler)

rule the 2nd: Hating is natural, don't listen to what people say when Hating is bad, Hating is amazing, provided you channel it right (IE, don't kill anyone)

rule numero three: no one is spared in hate, Bros, Nerds, blacks, whites, crippled people, all have reasons to want them covered in tar and dragged behind a car on a gravel road.

Part quatro, son: Hating everything and everyone doesn't make you rascist, sexist, elitist, it makes you a hater.

cinco: Hating is trolling, trolling is hating

I don't have a funny word for six: all of the above must be followed

seven, one of eleven:if someone cries as a result of hating, its their fault for being bitches and not being able to take your hate.

ocho: 95 percent of people and things deserve more hate.

Numbah neun, numbah neun, numbah neun: Hate boners are the best kind of boners

10: this is the last part of the hatestitution (heh, tits)