American Heroes and how to be an american

ok, do I have to do this opening? I'm a fucking STAR now, everyone knows this! I don't DO opening, send out jimenez to do it, I am going to sit in my trailer and masturbate furiously to playboy playmates, thank you very much.

what?

I'm not a star?

and I just did my opening anyway (heh heh, did your moms opening) shut up, inner voice!

whats my topic? america? I can dig that like I'm an 1850's california gold miner. BAM! History puns!

some great americans:

1. George Motherfucking washington

to NOT have George Motherfucking washington on a list of great americans is like having a list of the most lose people on earth and forgetting the french, its ri-fuckingdiculous, and you should be hit with rocks for being that dumb. why is George motherfucking washington american? do I have to answer that? DO I? fine, I will







1. flew on a dragon to fight the british, EVERYONE KNOWS THIS







2. only man ever (EVER) to beat the british empire. Yep, no one else beat em, germany? ass beatings from britain? france? france can't beat anyone. Spain? I'm pretty sure they don't fight. nope, only George MOTHERFUCKING washington has ever beaten the brits, shit, he even beat em near the top of their power, he and his generals (but most of those guys aren't awesome)





3. first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen, Washington was a general asskicker. do you know who fucked with washington from 1775 till he died? fuckin no one, thats who bitch. Washingtons semen inpregnated lady liberty, and out popped afuckingmerica. He is the father of america, and to not have george MOTHERFUCKING washington on this list is sad, and he's #1.





Person 2: Michael bay





oh, do I really have to? go read the michael bay article, He's like washingtons son, bitch.



Person 3: George Herman "Babe" Ruth



Babe ruth is to sports what washington is to freedom and liberty, in that both are the fathers of both, oh sure, the ideas and stuff existed before them, but who was the one to put them into practice? Babe ruth, thats who. Babe ruth was the ideal fucking american. He ate like a champ, drank like a boss, he was the king of fuck mountain, and he smoked cigars regularly. nowadays, a guy like that would be torn apart in the modern media as a bad influence, but the babe loved kids, not like Michael Jackson, Babe ruth created little league. Betcha didn't know that, didja? see, I'm capable of whipping out my facticles and plopping them down on the table for you to admire their sheer size weight and hairyness, not just easy tit jokes or nut butter puns here, nope, I got facts, bitch, so see my facticles? all laid out nicely on the table? suck it



THATS RIGHT BITCH, SUCK MY FACTS LIKE THEY WERE CANDY!!!!



oh, back to ruth.



Yeah, He created sports because he also helped create the best time in sports history, the new york motherfucking yankees, who have won more than I have and over a longer stretch of time.

now, how does one aquire the title, American? Americsan is the ultimate title, for lock of a better word, it sums up everything that is great, awesome, win, tits and kickass, to be called an american is a few steps below being god, but quite a few above victory master.

so do you become an american?

1. you must love america (obvious)

2. no really, you gotta love america

3. I'm not shitting you, you gotta love it more than you do fucking anything

4. you have to own at least 1 american flag and at least article of clothing with the american flag on it

5. can you sing the star spangled banner? good

6. America is fucking flawless, because I said so.