Shit that I'd like to see in the new year

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the Kwanzaa gecko badass stuff of the year

now, we are nearing the end of this year 2009 (disregard that year if you use the jewish or chinese calenders, you crazy), which means all the magazines and tv shows are rolling out their annual awards, people, show, album, worst and best. Well, as much as i love saying things suck (and trust Me, hating makes me hard enough to take batting practice) so you should know how much it pains me to congradulate some motherfuckers for a bang up job they have done.

unlike every award show ever, lets start shit off right with the big ones you care about, Man, album, Movie of the year.

Man of the Year: Cap'n sully.

if you dont want to vote cap'n sully for man of the year, congradulations, your more of a dick than the trinity killer on dexter. what qualifies cap'n sully? for one, He's got a good stashe, for two, he saved 155 lives, which is more than obama and any other political cocksniffer has done all year. We are talking about a man, a myth a legend, what would you have done? I know for a fact I would've been freaking out if My plane went down, but not cap'n sully, He's like Rosie O'donnels genitals (in a good way): cold, untouched by man, feared by all, and no ones sure what they are, but you know you don't wanna meet them in a street fight, also, It feeds solely on women and virgins. We should elect cap'n sully for god next year, and considering Josh Homme AND Michael Bay both having bukkakes of badassery this year (both of which we'll get to later). the point is cap'n sully did what no one else did this year, be a total american, he fought for his rights as a pilot. here, just to show, Picture of sully

Cap'n Sully, not pictured? your sister sucking him Like she's a hoover on your carpet.

Look at that picture of cap'n sully. STUDY THAT SHIT LIKE ITS YOUR FINAL EXAM BITCH. He's got everything a kickass guy needs, good pose, sweet uniform, Mustashe, watch that can probably call zordon whenever he wants to summon the dragonzord and thus, fuck your shit up, badges of honor, and an all around american. Cap'n sully will win from now until the rest of time. Runners up include Neil Patrick Harris for being a champ on How I met your Mother, Don draper for being don motherfucking draper, and Michael Bay.

Album of the year: TIE!

thats right bitches, its a tie, this has been by far the hardest choice of all my votes, because two UH-MAZING albums came out this year.

in thiis cooorner, weighing in at 8 kickass songs, is the mastodon album, craaaaaaack the skyeeeee by mastodoooooooonnn

We've gone over before why crack the skye is one of the best albums ever, but to recap. extremely metal, vaguely resembles Metallica Master of puppets era (quick side joke for Kalu: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT RESEMBLES METALLICA? IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?!, oh Dave Mustaine, if you could sing Megadeth would be legendary instead of simply mildly epic). Killer guitars and drums, and all the guys in mastodon look like they could be vikings circa 960 AD, raiding fucking and drinking. go on, look them up, I'll wait.

go on, this blog isn't going nowhere, I have all the time in the world.

you done? really? I doubt it, go do it again, I SAID DO IT FAGGOT, DO IT OR I'LL BEAT YOU LIKE YOU BEAT YOUR GODDAMN DICK, YOU LITTLE UNGRATEFUL TWATTANGOER.

there, are you done? do you not agree?

and in thiiis corner, weighing in at a hefty hefty 13 songs, the album THEM CROOKED VULLLTUUUURRRESS by the artist of the same name.

now, this is nothing against TCV, who are them crooked vultures? Josh Homme (who you might now as Ginger jesus, My favorite Musician and the current reigning god of rock) on vocals/guitar, Dave Grohl (known as primarily the guy in the foo fighters who everyone knows, kyle orton impersonator, drummer for nirvana, drummed for Queens of the stone age on the greatest album of the decade, the Thor to Hommes Odin , still a badass god and one you don't wanna fuck with, but Odin is the baddest of the bad) and finally, John Paul Jones on Bass (Led zeppelins bassist/all around guy, the best bassist to ever live.period) when news this band formed in late august, I nearly came in delight, the album drops, its just like you would imagine, all 3 guys just kicking back, eating turkey legs, drinking Jim bean from the bottle and punchfucking barely legal pussy, all in all, its such a kickass album its goddamn rediculous, but what would you expect out of 3 legends of rock? for Mastodon to achieve this level of success to match them is amazing, but sadly, it is a tie.

Movie of the year: Transformer 2: revenge of the fallen

I know I know "It wasn't as good as the first one! robot heaven was gay!" to be better than transformers 1 is like trying to be more awesome than Josh Homme, More Lose than Spencer Pratt and more, or have more candy than the cool houses at halloween who give out big candy, its just not done, people. Transformers 1 is the single greatest movie of all time, OF ALL TIME! here, lets have a quick rundown of whats in transformers 1.

Gratuititous fighting? Check

Tools getting pwned? check

dick jokes and hilarious masturbation references? check

too many hot girls? check

hot girl with a nose piercing? check

Hot australian girl with a nose piercing? check

Megan fox in various states of undress and dirty/sweaty? check

more explosions than at los almos 1945? check

Robots punching each other for no reason? check

annoying friend who is ditched after 15 minutes? check

dangerous amounts of kick ass and a heroic ending? check

Jon voight still pissed off he raised a stupid fatheaded twat of a daughter, who at the same time is SMOKIN hot? check

tell Me thats not a movie you don't wanna see, you already HAVE seen it, its called transformers 1. Transformers 2 has most of these as well (the annoying friend sticks around too long and looks like mark sanchez, the hot australian girl is replaced by a hot robot girl who I am not sure of her ethnicity) but it also adds robot testicles, parents getting high and making fools of themselves, Megan fox in leather (HOO RAH), old robots complaining, legs getting humped, OPTIMUS PRIME FUCKING DYING. it is the 2nd or 3rd best movie of the decade (depending where you put the Lord of the rings trilogy as a whole) so it only makes sense that transformers two wins Movie of the year, enjoy your golden gecko, Michael Bay.

and now, good tidings

Merry christmas to all who read this, I hope everyone has a kickass holiday, for those who I won't get to see during this christmas season, my best wishes to you all, since I don't do christmas cards. so Merry christmas to the gang, you know who you are, my cousins, and anyone who reads this who I can't see.

I wish you, yes, you, my reader, a merry christmas, and a happy new year, here's hoping 2010 sucks less.