Heaven stats

a favorite writer of Mine is Drew Magary, because he is awesome and funny and writes about stuff that I consider vital. in a mailbag of his, he talks about something i believe is extremely vital. Heaven stats. what are heaven stats? it is like your statistics of life, of stuff you'd NEVER keep track of, but always wondered. How many women would've had sex with Me? How many poops did i take? so I figured to take this idea and run with it, so here are all the vital things I need to know the moment i get to heaven, broken down by category.


sex!
amount of times I had sex

amount of orgasms

biggest orgasm

amount of women who would have had sex with Me if I had asked

record for most masturbations and sexings in a day

where you rank among all of these among all people in heaven, I'd like to know where I rank in the skin flute virtuosos hall of fame, top 10 percent? top 5? top 20?

best orgasm

fastest orgasm (in time AND Pumps)



bodily functions!

amount of poop/pee/vomit produced

biggest dump

smelliest dump

most amount peed out in one go

if said pee could have overflowed a modern toilet on pure amount of liquid, if not how close did it come?

once again, where do I rank?

my rate of floaters to sinkers

most normal colored peed out

fastest/slowest dump and piss




random stuff

heaviest object lifted, both solo and team, for team, how much of the object you yourself lifted.

article of clothing most worn

pair of shoes that lasted the longest

activity you spent the most of your time doing

room you spent the most time in

longest time slept

amount of drugs both legal and illegal taken

amount of alcohol drank

most commonly eaten food

most commonly dranken drink

amount of beard grown in yards

loudest fart

smelliest fart

amount of farts laid

percent of time doing stuff (sleeping, showering, working et cetera)

nicest beard/mustashe you grew


there you go, a short list of stuff i need to know once I get to heaven, and more importantly, I actually finished a blog entry for the first time in like, months. god that feels good, I am going to go make out with myself, should have another one out sooner than the gap between this one and the people I can do without, DAS A PROMISE DAWG.