april kicks ass and march sucks a boatload of old people taint

goddamn, february  is mediocre.its cold, theres one good sporting event (the super bowl) no excuses to party and presidents day. it is also the beginning of the worst stretch known to man, from after the super bowl to april might as well be called "ha ha fucko, enjoy having nothing to do" really, whats in march that makes you go hard enough to mine diamonds? St patricks days ok, and march madness is cool, I guess, but those both come towards the end of march. you realize march is 31 days? thats 34 days too much of fucking march. March may have spring break, but its too damn cold to enjoy it. if you meet anyone who ranks march as a good month, that person is probably suffering from brain damage and is useless to society. seriouly, fuck March.

April? now April kicks ass. Aprils got good tv (mad men AND game of thrones?! sploodge) weather that humans can actually enjoy, sports that are actually good to watch, with the NHL and NBA playoffs beginning (and in the NBA's case, never really ending), the Masters on sunday, Baseball opening up and the goddamn NFL draft. the NFL draft is the super bowl for hardcore NFL people like myself, I get all wet in the pants at draft time because its so balls to the wall awesome. do I watch all 7 rounds? fuck and yes I do. Do I do mock drafts and follow player stock from september till draft day? HA-YUPPPPP. and andrew luck, you guys hear about andrew luck? he went to stanford! he wants to be an architect! HE'S SO BEAUTIFULLY WHITE, IT IS HE WHO SHALL SAVE US FROM THE HIPPITY HOPPITY ME FIRST SPEED THIEVES OF THE CURRENT NFL AND USHER IN A NEW AGE OF JOHNNY UNITAS AND VINCE LOMBARDIS AND *Old white man bukkake*

seriously, if we're gonna have one NFL prospect get blown, it damn well better be one who deserves it, like noted dreamboat/future hall of famer Matt Barkley, or Robert griffin model 3.0. but anyway, I digress

april also (usually) houes the mot underrated holiday of the year. thats right, Easter. Now, I know what your thinking "Easter sucks! church is hot and i hate wearing nice clothes" I agree on all counts, but easter also has lamb, and lamb is just the best, you guys. seriously, Lamb is delicious and yummy and its so perfect and oh now its like watching a kate upton video in slow motion for me.

that sound you just heard is my erection hitting the moon over this shit.

morever, Easters one of three holidays (thanksgiving and christmas being the other two ) where I see my extended, kickass family. my family, for the record, is much better than yours and you will have to accept this on pure conjecture, its ok, I know your jealous, but if your lucky, you'll marry in and realize how kickass we are. My familys snot the type that gets together and fingers each other on arbor day, we get together for important holidays and thats it. no muss, no fuss no coconuts, so add that to the reasons april rules.

Aprils weather is terrific also. its warm and enjoyable, and days are routinely in the gecko sweetspot of 45-70 degrees, i can wear shorts outside  and begin to drink outdoors at 3 PM. Barbeque comes back too, fuck I love barbeque, nothing beats pulled pork or some ribs with potato salad or mac salad or burgers and dogs on the grill. March has none of this shit, its still too cold for all this and the occasional warm march day is overshadowed by the pantheon of suck that is freezing balls cold in march. seriously March, go fuck yourself, we should eliminate you entirely so the calender goes like this

January
 february (abbreviated to 5 days)
APRILFUCKYESITSAPRIL
may
June
julaugustly (combining July an august into one hot 62 day shithole of a month)
september AKA football month 1
doctemver (a combo month of the last 3, with halloween, christmas and thanksgiving all appreciated equally, plus MORE FOOTBALL and less shitty parts)

really, we still use a calender made by people who thought vomitorums were cool and struggled to invade France, we need a calender that properly kicks ass for our modern times. I'm embarassed for us, society, lets fix it and give April its due as the best month of the year.

game of thrones rules

having spent most of my winter break with my thumb up my ass and my dick in my hand, I am glad to report that game of thrones is, in fact, the shit. now, gordon geckos (thats what I call my fans, its lame) know the only I thing I love more than tv is busty broads in tiny clothes, but tv might top them even, mainly because tv HAS busty broads in tiny clothes on it, and its in HD!

seriously though, back to game of thrones. do you like your tv served with a side of kickass and topped off with pure, unfiltered guitar solos? than game of thrones is for you. heres a quick rundown of season 1s most ballar moments

dwarven man has sex with 3 women.


 a horse gets decapitated, here, I'll show you!

a guy gets stabbed through the eye.


a girl eats a horse heart.raw.

a bitchy 13 year old boy gets smacked in the mouth by a midget.twice.

a guy gets killed by molten gold being poured on his head. SO FUCKING METAL YOU GUYS check it

twincest. lotsa twinsect

a man dies by getting owned, then falls  a few hundred feet down a hole.

an italian man kicks the shit out of armed guards with a wooden sword.

a fat guy gets smacked around by swords.

a eunuch who looks like a full grown baby being a puppet master like a boss.

the most unlikable doucheliscious tv character in many moons in joffery baratheon. kids a straight ANUS.

a guy pulls his best friends tongue out through his throat, then does one of the best come at me bros of all.time. check it

a guy gets stabbed int he neck,t hen GUSHES BLOOD HOLY SHIT

a midget brains a dude with a shield

and so much more badass stuff that your mindhole might not be able to take it. but besides all this ballar-osity going down, there is plenty of good artsy fartsy stuff. the characters are extremely well written and acted, for one. theres more balls in Game of thrones than on all of CBS combined, no one is safe, no character is too liked to die, no story is out of bounds. Listen, I loev tv, I love violence, and I love tits. Game of thrones has all 3 in spades. if you can, watch season 1 ASAP. we've got less than 2 months till season 2 on HBO, and i for one cannot.fucking.WAIT. sunday nights with mad men AND game of thrones? My dick is hard enough to go diamond mining with. I could cut wolverines bones with my nipples I am so fucking pumped. Don Draper and Tyrion Lannister? Roger Sterling and Robb Stark? Peggy olson and Danaerys targaryen? I am fucking excited, you guys. if you're not? well fuck off, Imma be rocking a trimester of an erection for the duration of this shit.