a definitive list of the 5 biggest Winners in Television History

I am going to come clean: I fucking Love TV, it might be the best thing to come to planet earth since the galactic lord xenu came and bombed the volcanos with Hydrogen Bonds (Just kidding, Scientology is bullshit). but TV is full of Champs, from the lowest to the highest, well today, Gecklets, I am going to give a definitive list of TV's Biggest, baddest Sonsabitches in no particular order.

5. Dexter Morgan:

first and foremost, Look at dexter motherfucking Morgan. swell cat, Forensic Scientist working for the Miami PD solving Murders, Porking Hot single Mothers, oh, and he's a fucking serial killer . Normally, serial Killers are smelly weirdos who either pop a serious stiffy from killing, or eat their victims, or if they're jeffery Dahmer, both. Dexter Morgan? Nah son, Dexter abides by a fucking killing code, He only kills Murderers who have evaded Justice, like a fucking Bounty Hunter. He Killed His Brother who looks nothing like him because he tried to murder his (adopted) sister. He also is a fucking genius, evading capture like I evade Fall out boys music. what Makes Dexter a total pimp? well, his girlfriends hot as shit, he doesn't give a fuck who he kills, provided they killed before, Women, Men, old people, children, white, black, Dexter Morgan is an equal oppritunity badass.

4. the entire fucking bluth family:

to say I love Arrested Development is an understatement. If Arrested Development were a woman, she'd be my super hot, super down to earth wife who cooked like Alton Brown and cleaned like a fucking boss who'd always have cold beer and warm pussy. In short, Arrested Development is fucking PERFECT, it is the best TV show ever, if only on the principle that there are no bad episodes of it, all the episodes are side splittingly hilarious. To pick one AD characcer out of this victorious line up is near impossible, so the solid choice is the entire fucking bluth family, which is a total cop out, but fuck you in the toes on this one. You Got Jason Bateman as one of the best straight men in comedy history, managing to be totally dickish and the only sane one. Michael cera before he was the annoying hipster awkward kid being a funny awkward kid who wants to pork his cousin. Will Arnett as GOB, and nothing more needs to be said about that since I don't want to ruin the joy that is GOB. David Cross as Portia Del Rossis Ambiguously sexual Husband (at best), and Buster whose name I can't remember as an awkward Mamas boy in his 30s's, Alia Shakwat as Tobias and Lindsays Daughter, and she is kind of not funny, but still manages to kick ass. sorry, let me put away my raging ADrection, because you have to watch this fucking show to realise that all the bluths are badass motherfuckers.

3. Don Draper:

Before I start this, let me be clear: Don Draper is everything a Man should be. 3 piece suit? check. Scotch drinker? Check. Having sex with various ho's, ranging from beatnik weirdos to rich spanish girls and all in between? check. Devoted family man? hoo boy, check. Don Draper is a fucking pimp. Look at him! the Main Character of the fantastic Mad Men (which I would put as another ensamble thing, but I don't like Peggy enough, though Pete and Roger and Joan are all epic in their own way), Draper suffers from a bit of an identity crisis, I won't spoil anything because that wouldn't be cool, but Don Draper is a total fucking champ. He is a complex man, a cheater who loves His wife (you would too, January Jones is fucking fine), he loves his children enough to not hang out with them, he wears a fedora and a duster, and smokes like a champ (sadly, not cigars, or else He might top my list of badasses in history, period). He sticks up for women when he has to, He deals with his shit, but doesn't gossip like the guys at work, but is more than capable of ruling not only your shit, but your sisters and your cousins shit as well just by being that amazing at life, the universe and everything. I reaaally want to spoil what goes down, but that isn't fun, go watch mad men, fool.

4. (tie) Desmond hume, Ben Linus, John Locke

(sorry for the funny formatting, its a bitch to get them in a row like ducks)

now why are these 3 men badasses? Desmond for one, Has more flashes than a woman in menopause, and your never quite sure whether desmond is flashing back, flashing forward, flashing sideways, appearing on another show, plus he is a crazed drinking scotsman who is in love with a hot british girl, has a son, and eludes death like a fucking warrior, oh, and he calls everyone he meets brutha, threatens a bald britishman, and has the single most tear jerker moment in all of Lost. Ben Linus is a total winner, who can do things such as summon the fucking smoke monster of the island, know all your islands secrets, get your leader deported, kill both his parents on his birthday (his mom in childbirth, so it kinda counts), go into the jungle and meet crazy people and get shot by sayid (another epic winner), oh and the ending to the shape of things to come is fucking amazing, and its all Ben Ben Ben, He will impersonate a Black Man, get his shit rocked, and he is always in fucking control of everything. Locke? Locke is the guy who goes hunting for the mystery, always is at the center of shit, and He is a total badass throughout, whether using a throwing knife to kill a british woman, hunting boar, discovering hatches or demanding Ben tell him some secrets, Locke always seems to be doin something cool and fucking shit up, be it an underground base or a submarine.

5. Joel McHale

Joel McHale Hosts the best show on TV right now in terms of making me laugh my ass off, the soup. whats on the soup? simply: its a clip show, normally fail, but mchale makes it work. How? He's totally a dick to those who have it coming. black girls on maury? mocked. little fat kids who claim bacon is good for them? hopes ruined. Tyra banks fat jokes? more than you can handle, pussy. Joel McHale, for lack of a better word, is the worlds first televised troll, he gets 30 minutes a week to ruin your shit with hilarity. whether its skanks, shows about toy trains or remarks about men in their basement playing with their organs, Joel McHale is there with a dickish remark and a pimps smile. He is quite literally, everything right with tv.

a variety of encycbropedia brotannica entriettes

I know I know "Kwanzaa Gecko, since you took a siesta, my life has lacked meaning, a communist bro moved in next door and he hates michael bay, what do I do to prevent myself from finishing my pathetic existance?" oh simple, Brian, I got some brand spanking new ENYCBROPEDIA BROTANNICA entries, fresh off the presses!

Brotein:

Brotein is a noun, and it is what all bros need to survive, without absorbing enough brotein in the day, a bros hair will turn normal, his skin to a color that doesn't resemble fruit, he will become a functional member of society, he will also change his name from chad to something that doesn't give me an urge to poison his food so his kidneys shut down. where can brotein be found you ask? well, little child, it is hard. Brotein can be absorbed in the scalp (Hairgel and other bros semen is a common way to get brotein from the head to the brain, which is bathing in douche juice) or brotein is the secret ingredient in monster energy drinks, it can also be found in natty beer and in 90 percent of the food in boston and Los angeles. a regular cool cat, after absorbing enough brotein, turns into a bro. Brotein is also the main scent in axe body spray.

Broasting:

Broasting is the main way bros prefer their food prepared (note I say prepared, as bros are too stupid to cook without setting themselves or their cornholing buddies into shishkabrobs, which is a group of grilled bros impaled on a stake). Broasting a food takes out all the happiness, joy and tastiness in it, similar to a process done when you go to a vegitarian resturant and order chilli, and instead replaces it with lose, sadness and the tears of children, all of which taste vaguely like unwashed buttcheeks, i mean, have you ever had a veggie burger? holy shit on toast, that is just pure sadness in food form, it doesn't even taste like anything but ground up veggies in a patty, its fucking rabbit food and it disgusts me as a red-blooded hetero american male that we allow this injustice, these fuckers deserve to all go suffer through leprosy of the anus. anyway, broasting is vile, and all the food tastes like pure shit when it is broasted.

Brophecy:

a Brophecy is a prediction made by a bro wizard, which sadly I need to think of a clever term for. unlike regular prophechies, which usually involve epic ninjas fighting and a 600 percent chance of big tits raining from the sky while Josh Homme porks your Mom and viking metal playing with at least 200 fires and 300 bolts of lightning raining down, a Brophecy is totally gay. think of the gayest thing you've ever heard, maybe someone goes on a rant about how you duel a friend and take out the clip of the gun, maybe its a fire tornado fighting a hurricane, maybe its just accidentally listening to hardcore french fisting gay porn, and times it by 9000, you have what happens in a brophecy, let me demonstrate:

Bro 1: Oh great wise Bro Chad

Chad: sup brah, you want some brotein shakes? we can sit back and listen to jack johnson brah, what do you want? I have to go yell at my girlfriend for being too feminine for Me, Brah.

Bro 1: How much Natty can I consume at the bro faila losa cookout tonight?

Chad: 20 brah, lest you drink too much and die brah.

there, thats a brophecy.

Brohio:

Brohio is the eden of bros, where all bros come from, where bro adam and chad first hung out and got their bro on. the capital of brohio is new brorleans (pronounced brohr-leans), and among its provinces are aribrona (home of douchey southern bros), Broklahoma (weirdo western bros who dress like cowboys) Bronnecticut (WASP bros who all go to HAWLY FACKIN CRAWS) and Bronolulu (really western sufer bros who do ecstasy, the douchiest and most useless of all drugs). each province has its own uniqueness, which I will go into in a later entry. All Bros eventually make the Pilgrimage back to Brohio and have a brong there which can last for an eternity.

since summer is ending, I'd like to say something poignant/gay:

thanks to funk, K-man, chris, rob (HI ROB!), Poop AKA Bwoody knuckwes, Syd, and My brother for giving me a summer for the ages, and good luck next year in school readers conor and anyone I forgot, sorry, but remember one thing: all 7 of my readers, you're balling

oh, I also tweet lemme get that URL, don't change the site! no don't go to facebook!

ah here it is http://twitter.com/kwanzaagecko