Jee-zus christ stuffed in a basket, taken to a picnic, and having the ants carry him away, this year has been crazier than a jackrabbit after drinking a lakeful of mountain dew and surge. whats that producer?
ok guys, my producer is telling me to cut back on the southern crazy talk. though, on the other hand, can southerners read? I'm not sure, but I'll venture a maybe on this one. but now I'm just dodging my headline like a deer trying to dodge traffic on a highway but not ultimately knowing where it can get off, so instead of trying to find its way off, it simply keeps avoiding cars and hoping an 18 wheeler doesn't show up and turn its ass into grass. but know i am truly stalling for time, but shit, isn't that what we're all doing? wasting time. your wasting your time reading this, I'm wasting my time writing it, you'll waste more time inevitably not forwarding this to your friends so I can become super popular and begin to get paid in girlfriends and gold dubloons. Producer? what
I am being told gold dubloons are no longer a legitimate way of paying someone. how about pirate treasures? can I be paid in pirate treasures? ok, good. so I want to be paid in girlfriends (preferably your sister, I hear she's easy from my bigger, stronger more tough friends, don't kill the messanger, bud) and pirate treasures. but yes, this year is barely a third over, and every two weeks it seems like new shit is going.down. and not in the boring durr-durr I'm a racist tea-partier watch me bukkake the room with stupid and slowly cause our countries dimise as a superpower sort of news stories. I'm talking like, legit news and shit, I mean the stuff that will be in the history books later. (quick aside: as a future teacher, it boggles my mind when I see the fancy new history books, where they have a chapter on clinton and dubya and 9/11 and iraq and shit, it feels so weird to me to see that, also makes me feel super important that stuff that happened in my lifetime is now considered history, one day this blog will be in a history textbook (note: not actual book, but the info cards (Ninja info cards (this is one too many set of parenthesis (no, this is))) as the shining pinnacle of human intelligence and knowledge, I will have whole books written about me and you will wish you hopped on this bandwagon like a something something on another something) I mean, shit, legitimate stuff has gone down like your Mom on a date in arbys (Editors Note: Nothing sexual has ever happened in an arbys, its like the jonas brothers of places). lets break it down like a lego set, shall we? we'll do a few categories, to be safe, real news, entertainment bullshit, and sports
Egypt gets revolutionized in a few weeks, overthrowing hosni mubarak and starting a trend of dominos to follow in places like tunisia, cyprus and where we end up next
we attack libya because gaddafi is a crazy person and we feel its the right thing to do for the oil, of course.
People speak of donald trump unironically as a presidental candidiate, shattering all known comedy sensors and striking deep seated fear that we are reaping what we have sown when it comes to giving idiots with too much money and not enough hair or common sense power. also, we figure out its probably not a good idea to let donald trump to keep it up.
all through the midwest, derpy derps begin attacking anyone who is not comically wealthy, such as teachers, police officers, fire fighters, planned parenthood and the like, telling them its time they pay up for all the damage they caused. they manage to do this with a striaght face while not going after the greediest, most comically money hungry people on wall street for ruining our economy and millions of peoples livelihoods.
controversey rages over whether obama was born here when fucking really people? you don't thiunk that shit gets double, triple, quadruple checked by the fucking committies who allow people to run for fucking president, really? ok, here, I'll let you have this little area, go on, say it. say why you really think Obama wasn't born here. racist. there, I said it.
and of course, the news sunday night that osama bin laden was killed. I mean, really, raise your hand if you weren't at least pleased that a guy like that no longer walks among the living. and if your one of those tighwad liberal dickwigglers who said you were disgusted by the fact people were celebrating his death, kindly kiss the top of my ass. its called ecstasy, it happens sometimes, you know, when your overjoyed to the point you can't control it. is that weird? no, not really. he's been the face of our evil for 10 years, and he's dead? gotta be able to be a bit happy about that, pat.
forgot about that congresslady getting shot in january. remember that? that feels like so long ago, and she's alive! from a headshot! that guy who didn't kill her is a shitty shot and He's no friend of mine.
Rapture fails to come, old person looks like a fool.
Entertainment:
can hardly start this section with anyone other than the warlock himself, can we? I mean, we all knew it was coming that charlie sheen would eventually do something to get him off the official show of fly-over states and your parents, two and a half men. but I doubt anyone thought it be as thoroughly entertaining and amazing to watch, hear and enjoy quite like how it went down. for a long while, the sheenster produced more catchphrases and memorable lines than the section of my kohls with all the silly internet shirts that would've been HI-larious in 2007. I mean, he spouted em out like it was nothing, and I kind of miss it.
glee does Lady Gaga, hitting some sort of gay singularity. a singularit-gay, if you will. if you've read this blog before, you know I am no fan of Lady Gaga, but glee sucks like a whores vaccuum on a rich businessmans cock. now, I'm biased because I'm straight up and down like 6 o clock, and I happen to have a pig ole benis, so I am biased against any musicals to begin with. but I watch gossip girl of my own free will, and I think Glee sucks worse than gossip girl. Glee also sucks because it gets sucked off at an alarming rate for being so great. Glee is not good, we all know teenage girls have terrible taste in everything, don't appease them, if Glee wins best comedy at the emmys, I will smack a bitch. Communitys 100 times the show glee is, Parks and recreation is too. Modern Familys better by leaps and bounds, and your gonna give it to a high school dramedy that does neither drama nor comedy particularly well? for shame emmys for shame
the kings speech wins the oscar. its a world war 2 era flick about overcoming disability. color me shocked that that won best picture while true grit, a movie that primarily focused on the fun as hell western genre, doesn't.
Justin timberlake hosts SNL, is funny as usual.
friday, a song by a 13 year old girl about days of the week, comes out. holy shit, is that song hilaribad, its awful in every conceivable way and some ways that only vatican assassins could understand. with such great lyrics as "Yesterday was thursday, today it is friday, we we we so excited, we so excited, we gonna have a ball today. tomorrow is saturday, and sunday comes afterward". really? thats fucking hilariously awful, its like one of those sci-fi movies where its a giant shark fused with an octopus terrorizing people who have all the range of a board. its not even ham acting, its just fucking awful, but at the same time, its hilarious. you can't turn it off, you have to see it to the end, same with friday. its Like Miracles but funnier.
Sportz:
the NFL locks itself out for reasons primarily being they don't make enough money. billionaires. with a huge tv contract. and stadiums that you, yes you mr taxpayer, paid for. they want players to pay for it while not paying for the players healthcare even though they die young often from the injuries they get. even stranger, some NFL fans support the owners. I have nothing to add to this other than the NFL owners sued to not have football, so yeah, chew on that. also, Aaron rodgers wins the super bowl, every idiot in green bay and in the national media who said it was a bad idea for the packers to get rid of dongslinger extraordinaire brett favre can suck the top of Aaron Rodgers Ballbag.
Rex Ryan tells you to not be a limpdick, get your goddamn snacks.
an actual exciting NBA season. Yeah, I know! the Knicks are...decent, the nets get Deron Williams (WOOO!), Blake Griffin shows he is made primarily of the hopes of man crossed with a rocket pack. the lakers and celtics both lose early (Woo!), Lebron "the gaping vagina" James and his merry band of heat do not get eliminated early (BOO!).Rooting for the heat shows you have no soul and are now a servant of the dark one of the great beyond, but its ok, because you still look more human than chris bosh.
 |
| Pandora is Real! chris Bosh outted as first alien basketball player . |
with a really exciting regular season, the NBA will lock itself out, albiet for less rich white dude reasons than the NFL.
Baseball, finally scandal free and the only big league (sorry NHL) that doesn't have the threat of labor stoppage. Baseball, unable to go anywhere without first tripping over itself and breaking its own arm, has two franchises (the dodgers and mets, two big name franchises) that are losing money Like I lose socks. also, the red sox continue their tragic success story, I continue wishing sweet death to kevin youkilis, who totally looks like he's a douche.
ESPN hires curt schilling to do baseball commentary. I die inside and then I invent my newest meme "curt schilling facts as spoken by one true beacon of truth, curt schilling", here are some gems:
Hi, I'm curt Schilling, Baseball super god and all around intelligent person. did you know I could throw 100 mph backward with my eyes closed and no hands? well I, Curt Schilling, can do that no problem.
Curt Schilling here. do you know why I didn't use steroids? Steroids would have made me, Curt Schilling, baseballs mormon messiah, a worse pitcher. they derived Steroids from My own superior DNA.
Hey folks! Curt Schilling, the last human being who plays everquest instead of WoW. did you know just one drop of my semen can cure all known diseases? however, since I'm Mormon, I only have sex with my 7 wives, so no cures for you!
whats up gang? its me, Curt Schilling, the mouthiest fattest and voted 42 time most handsome man by the curt schilling committee of cool dudes blogger on earth. did you know the red sox are the single greatest organization? that theo epsteins a solid guy, he is a human alchemist. my alchemy level is well over 9000, I can turn humans into other humans.
is your name curt schilling? are you the one true arbiter of baseball? could you be any smarter or more awesome? no? thats right, cause i'm Curt Schilling, and i am all of these things and more.
Curt Schillings sock was only bloody because he was perioding that day. He's an enormous tool, fuck that guy twice with a hot molten stick, the kind you see to make steel and shit.
Boston fans are still terrible, so nothing changed there.
the NHL gets a good finals with teams that people will actually watch, including a canadian one! I know, I'm amazed too!
Tiger woods can't get his shit in line. America, can we let tiger woods go have sex with skanky women again? please? I don't wanna watch phil mickelson smirk his way to every championship, or worse, some guy I've never heard of winning (WINNING!). Golfs better When Tiger is dominating everything he sees in his path, that includes skanky bar girls, let the man be. Players gonna play, Haters gonna hate, Tiger.
Mark Sanchez is dating a high school girl. I find this hilarious.
the year in summary:
this has been one goddamned strange-ass year, don't you think? we're 5 months in right now, and it feels like we've had a year of shit happening, who knows what the future holds? I hope its got jetpacks and robots, I could use a robot best friend. lets see how this ends up, but I am hoping it will be as interesting as the first half this year. until then, this is Kwanzaa gecko, signing off with his usual byline.
