Now simple blogulons, it is that time of year, the women are in bathing suits, tv is gone (NOOOO!), I am sunbathing naked outside with my flagpole flying the american flag proudly, the Barbeque is out, it is summer, and yes, summer does in fact, smash taint. and You, Yes you, High school seniors, are graduating, some of you might've already, at which point i extend a big tasty fuck you! to you, graduating in may? thats unnatural, summer goes from about flag day to labor day, oh yes, you mock us june school kids now "Ha Ha! I'm not in school and you are!" well while you are going through the first day of school in "holy fuck it is hot, My balls are sticking to my leg like flypaper and there is No air conditioning, what evil fuckdrinker made this happen?" I will be doing what I always do in august: turn my AC down to 50 degrees or so and have a snowball fight in my house while you cook like a fucking chicken in the oven. While we're on the subject of this, what the fuck do we celebrate on flag day? the flag? our flag, while Ball quiveringly wonderful, doesn't deserve its OWN day, as every day is flag day at Kwanzaa geckos house.
but anyway, lots of you crazy kids are graduating soon, and you'll be getting the valedictorian speech, all of which suck, so I will give you one better: MY speech for you graduating little bastards, broken down into tasty tiny mini burger sized points
1. College is fucking awesome, you can do whatever you want, I spent a good chunk of my free time in the library checking out the hot librarian and playing crossword puzzles last semester, and i still passed everything.
2. you don't HAVE to have your major chosen, shit, I'm studying history, you know what kicks ass about history? that shit has an end,its called today. and as a double win, I get to study fucking AMERICA!
3. Make friends, because otherwise you'll be a loser who spends his days at college in your dorm, trying to figure out how to make a lego dildo (take it from someone who has fucked a girl with a lego dildo, don't ruin valuable legos! you'll need them for your spaceship!)
4. technically, you can't bring your pet to college, so do what I do, say your blind,r un into shit for a few days, then have Mom air mail you your dog, its a win for everyone!
5.Look back on High school and laugh, because High school was pre-season shit, you get cows stuck in the 200's in college, your.shit.will.be.rocked, you best not fuck around, all the fuckups have been weeded out up to this point (unless your going to Junior/community college), so its just you and some poor souls who are shelling out 30 thousand washingtons a year to learn shit and turn your dorm into hell.
6. no matter what, your dormmate will hate everything you like, its part of the colleges "whacky odd couple" rule, eventually, you will bond over dish cleaning and have a cool montage at least once, where you bail him out of a tough jam, and he in turn, sells you out by roofieing your girlfriend and banging her in your bed.
7. be prepared for your masturabatory time to go down the shitter, you better find a good quiet place you can jerk off, or you will be fucked. (note: if your a girl, this one doesn't matter)
8. a good revenge for when your roomate roofies your girlfriend? eat barbeque and breakfest burritoes, and while he slumbers, fart in his face. bonus points if you do it without pants, and legendary hero status if its wet and comes in contact with his face.
there you go, tasty bite sized chunks of college life, remember, streaking across campus is only cool if your hot and female!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Why Josh Homme is a god of music
well bitches, its been two weeks, so I bet you're wondering "Kwanzaa Gecko, you are so handsome, virile, Masculine, Wonderful, you have such a great beard, are there any Men who you consider your equal" of course, now pay me the 20 and I will go "who then?" fuck off I say. "Are there any men who you consider better than you?" and I am forced to admit that Yes, there ARE Men out there who do rule more than myself, however few they are, and thus this inspires my new series of blog posts:
CHAMPIONS, WINNERS AND VICTORIOUS ONES.
now, what is the difference between these 3? simple, level of win
Winner is the lowest one, anyone can be a winner for having the occasional success. The Boston Red Sox, Eli Manning, George W Bush and the guys who write 1 hit wonders can all fall into these categories
Champion is the middle category, someone who has a level of success but isn't in that pantheon of awesome. The Beatles, The Florida Marlins, Peyton Manning, Sandy koufax and Joe Biden are all champions.
finally, we have Victorious ones, or simply, Masters of Victory. These brave Men women and groups have pioneered success to be damn near an art. these People could own multiple lacrosse sticks, drive only jeeps, have the worlds biggest collection of flat brimmed hats, have created Energy drinks, use the word Bro and Brah, and only smell like axe body spray (the official scent of Douchebags everywhere!) and these people would still rock so hard your sexual organs would literally combust by coming near them. I will profile a person of one of these 3 ilks and tell you what they are and why they are it and today, readers, we start off with a doozy.
Our Ginger Lord and Savior of Rock Music: Joshua Motherfucking Homme, or Just Josh Homme
Heres Homme eyeing up your hot 19 year old sister, He is going to pillage her.
Now you may be asking "Kwanzaa gecko! He's a Ginger! He's barely a person" but that is were you are wrong. While yes, Ginger Men for the most part are about as sexy as herpes covered Genital warts, Josh Homme destroys this for one very very good reason: He's a viking. descending from Norway, the cradle of viking civilization, and coincidentally, the cradle of victory. a Viking mainly fed on pillage, rape and Plunder, making him among the first of these new breed of victory Master. Homme obviously descends from these awe inspiring murder masters, but instea do going and around and killing, Homme is arguably the best rocker alive, having formed the greatest band currently function on this planet and in any alternate universe, Queens of the Stone Age.
why does Queens of the stone age rock? Josh Home is in it, so theres that. 100 percent of their songs are about sex fighting and drinking/drugs, which is what real rock and roll is. and finally, they are freakishly talented, and easily the best band on earth. Homme is the straw that stirs the drink, He is a respectable Ginger Male (no easy task) giant, with a sex drive like a bull elephant in mating season, he is a badass in every way, his alternate name on his album? carlo von sexron. what.a.victory master. He described Queens upcoming album as "a desert orgy after dark" He wins so hard its ridiculous.
there, done, happy?
CHAMPIONS, WINNERS AND VICTORIOUS ONES.
now, what is the difference between these 3? simple, level of win
Winner is the lowest one, anyone can be a winner for having the occasional success. The Boston Red Sox, Eli Manning, George W Bush and the guys who write 1 hit wonders can all fall into these categories
Champion is the middle category, someone who has a level of success but isn't in that pantheon of awesome. The Beatles, The Florida Marlins, Peyton Manning, Sandy koufax and Joe Biden are all champions.
finally, we have Victorious ones, or simply, Masters of Victory. These brave Men women and groups have pioneered success to be damn near an art. these People could own multiple lacrosse sticks, drive only jeeps, have the worlds biggest collection of flat brimmed hats, have created Energy drinks, use the word Bro and Brah, and only smell like axe body spray (the official scent of Douchebags everywhere!) and these people would still rock so hard your sexual organs would literally combust by coming near them. I will profile a person of one of these 3 ilks and tell you what they are and why they are it and today, readers, we start off with a doozy.
Our Ginger Lord and Savior of Rock Music: Joshua Motherfucking Homme, or Just Josh Homme
Heres Homme eyeing up your hot 19 year old sister, He is going to pillage her.Now you may be asking "Kwanzaa gecko! He's a Ginger! He's barely a person" but that is were you are wrong. While yes, Ginger Men for the most part are about as sexy as herpes covered Genital warts, Josh Homme destroys this for one very very good reason: He's a viking. descending from Norway, the cradle of viking civilization, and coincidentally, the cradle of victory. a Viking mainly fed on pillage, rape and Plunder, making him among the first of these new breed of victory Master. Homme obviously descends from these awe inspiring murder masters, but instea do going and around and killing, Homme is arguably the best rocker alive, having formed the greatest band currently function on this planet and in any alternate universe, Queens of the Stone Age.
why does Queens of the stone age rock? Josh Home is in it, so theres that. 100 percent of their songs are about sex fighting and drinking/drugs, which is what real rock and roll is. and finally, they are freakishly talented, and easily the best band on earth. Homme is the straw that stirs the drink, He is a respectable Ginger Male (no easy task) giant, with a sex drive like a bull elephant in mating season, he is a badass in every way, his alternate name on his album? carlo von sexron. what.a.victory master. He described Queens upcoming album as "a desert orgy after dark" He wins so hard its ridiculous.
there, done, happy?
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