if you are, as of this reading, under 18 (and I am probably being liberal with my dating here) sorry! you missed out on 90's nostalgia, enjoy reminiscing for fairly odd-parents and jimmy neutron and all that, but as for the early stuff? nope. in fact, if it was made on nickelodeon or cartoon network or disney before 1996, you don't get to reminisce about it. Yes, I group Rugrats in there, you can have the shitty ones with dill and kimi, but I will keep the originals.
you can have rocket power and spongebob, even though I love Rocket Power very very much. you can keep figure it out and invader zim (despite the fact figure it out had summer sanders, who was a FOX AND A HALF). you can Have all that with leeroy and fuzz and danny tamberelli, the only ginger italian to ever live. seriously, check em
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| noted thing Danny Tamberelli doesn't have I do? SOUL. |
Now, you can have late 90's all that and figure it out Tamberelli, but I will keep Little Pete Danny Tamberelli and fight for Pete and Pete to my grave, because pete and pete is, quite simply, the best show ever made, and a shining example of a show that does NOT get its dick sucked nearly the amount it deserves by so called "90's kids". oh, you remember how LOLHILARIOUS rugrats in paris is, yet you can't remember Little petes Tattoos name? NO NOSTALGIA FOR YOU AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
its overblown and overdone, people like "I miss the good ole days". the good ole days of what? being a kid? yeah, its solid, but kids can't drink, drive, drink AND drive (note: don't drink and drive, its bad, mmmkay?), they can't buy anything, they can't remember things that far back, and they are generally just not that interesting to hang out with. we all miss being kids, doesn't mean we need to bitch about it. and on top of that, do you know how annoying it is for us to say we miss the good old days? christ, we are not even 30 yet and we are pining for days gone by? at least our parents had the common decency to wait till they were old and shitty and boring to pine for the good ole days and how they made the world a real good place to live and fuck you for not doing anything with YOUR life. god, we are so stupid we get nostalgic for stuff that happened yesterday, we dont even bother looking forward to the future because we are too busy shoving our heads up our asses and sniffing it and wondering why it smelt like angels and bacon and Blake Livelys hair yesterday, and today its all awful and shitty and it will never be as good as it was then.
Do you guys realize how balls to the wall awesome the future is going to be? Jetpacks! hoverboards! we're a mere 30 years or so away from the singularity, when moores law (which states computing power doubles every 18 months) will finally, hopefully, cross the threshold for the ability to store a human mind on a hard drive. let me put it to you this way: you will live forever in a fantasy world your mind controls in what will likely be a robot body. HOW.AWESOME.IS.THAT?! I'll let that sink in for a second people. we're going to go to mars in our lifetime, get pictures of pluto, maybe perfect fusion here or there, solve great mysteries of physics, dig something ballar up from under the earth. we'll find new elements and write new books, create great works of art and elect our own awful politicians. soon we'll have our own weiner kids who will be watching robot sesame street and listening to music that makes us want to throw up in our mouths. Are there lots of shitty problems that people of the previous generation have caused? of course. but it is our job to clean up their shit and leave a whole new mess of shit for the next generation to clean up while we get old and bitch about stuff. I for one can't wait for that. but I've been side-tracked.
don't get me wrong, the 90's ruled in a lot of ways, but theres plenty of the 90's that sucked. let us not forget the 90's gave the cowboys success and brett favre too. let us not forget some of the truly awful shows of the 90's (catdog anyone? My Cousin Skeeter? Caitlins way? 2 stupid dogs?), or the fact that while grunge does rule, late 90's music is mostly ass, do you know ANYONE who wishes for a backstreet boys reunion who isn't a girl, or the fact that the spice girls existed then? it wasn't all pete and pete and wild n crazy kids. it was not all darkwing duck and mighty morphin power rangers, there was plenty of awful, awful shit during the 90's that we casually sweep under the rug in favor of rocket power.
that being said, heres my simple 90's checklist, you need at least 80 percent of these to be considered sufficiently 90's to have nostalgia. if you lack these, sorry for party rocking, but no nostalgia for you, you get to enjoy the awful life of early aughtstalgia:
did you own a SNES or Genesis? (there is NO and in this scenario, and Genesis all the way)
consequently, N64 or PS1 (this you can have an and, but if you do, you're probably lacking in a soul)
do you know Mike O'malley (Kappa sigma!) for his work on Glee or for his legendary 4 words that changed America? (if you chose glee, you can leave and never come back)
did you find mew under the truck?
you know for a fact that the x-men cartoon is light years better than hugh jackman nancing about as Wolverine.
did you also hate the little kid on the car power rangers, and was 100 percent of the reason because he got to hang out with Tommy?
Oregon trail: beatable or not beatable?
how good were you at type to learn (for the record, I RULED type to learns shit and made it cry tears of blood and stole from its family)
did you believe you can fly? did you in fact, get shot by the FBI? was all you wanted a chicken wing, from McDonalds or Burger King?
who enjoyed kenan and kel? No one? good, because my brother and me was the superior show and we all know it.
why was vanessa on both my brother and me AND gulla gulla island?
the best episodes of Magic schoolbus were.... (there IS a right answer to this one)
waking up early for pokemon: the best? (side: I woke up early once for pokemon, saw the episode where ash and pikachu meet the gang of wild pikachu, and ash LETS PIKACHU GO. I missed the end because I had to catch the bus and barely made it through school. worst day ever)
can you sing the full house theme song? failing that, Family matters or Married with children will suffice.
do you remember when the simpsons was actually the best show ever? no? thats a paddlin.
legends of the hidden temple. pick a team. any team (Spoiler: if you pick the silver snakes, you're a toolbox)
How did we dominate the olympics, yet lose Global GUTS on our own turf?
how was global GUTS global if only like, 5 countries competed?
Mark Summers: guy on unwrapped or...original host...of double dare?
sports illustrated for kids: the best?
did you secretly love the hornets for their boss colors? ditto for the mighty ducks (AND ONLY ZEE MIGHTY DUCKS PEOPLE)
you remember when Hockey was on ESPN and was more legit than the NBA and MLB.
you grew up with 3 certainties in sports: the yankees would win a world series, Pat Summeral sounded AWESOME and you would get roughly 2000000 baseball games a year on tv.
the sandlot is the best movie about baseball and whomever greenlit the 2nd and 3rd ones should be tried in a manner not dissimilar to the nuremberg trials.
you had the best collection of VHS' on the block.
Pablo sanchez was THE.MAN.
Seinfeld kicked so much ass, what was the deal with how jerry talked? why did you talk like that way too?
how many capri-sun cell phones did you have? where you fold it up and talk to it like you're a big important man?
Lunchables: amazing or UH-MAH-ZING?
