fall stomps your neutz

FUCK.ME. its fucking BACK people! thats right, the king of entertainment is back, Breaking Bad ended this past sunday, and with that, I can safely say summer is over. was your summer a not bummer summer? good, mine was awesome. but lets get on something important now, mainly that the 2nd best season of all is here. thats right bitches, FUCKING AUTUMN IN THIS BITCH!!!! what makes Autumn 2nd best season you ask? well lets break it down.

reason 1. FOOTBAW

I don't care if every football player dies at 50, crippled and pissing himself. ain't anyone I know and they made millions, so suck on that, ESPN. I get to spend the next 4 months rooting for my beloved eagles to go 10-6, make me invent new swear words, turn into a violent, angry person come december and january. I get to root for the possibility that Eli Manning and Tim Tebow both die in glory hole related accidents. I get to spend my sundays wishing sweet death upon my opponents fantasy players, while praying that this year I get to kick just as much ass as the year before. and on top of all of that: COLLEGE FOOTBALL. ain't no hatin like college football hatin. I bet you could put 20 alabama and LSU fans in a room and watch them rip each other apart with their bare, rednecky hands. college football features whackier offenses, skullet rocking head coaches, and hilarious corruption. who isn't in? I know I am. go Rutgers, the only *farts, sniffs it* PUUUURE school in all college football. i get to enjoy all sorts of 12 hour football marathons and viscious hatred for the next 3 months.

reason 2. tee vee!

the dramas are in the spring and summer, so fall is comedy season. all the great shows are comin back, from Happy Endings to Parks and Rec. I get to pray community lives and watch as it is ripped apart, enjoy the last season of 30 rock, and wonder why the fuck the office is still around. ABC right now is the strongest network (sorry NBC, but Happy endings and Modern family? thats a killer combo, plus don't trust the Bitch in apartment 23). your parents will watch CBS and enjoy the procedurals, while I will watch How I met your Mother and resist the urge to punch ted Mosby in the face for being such a fucking tool. I get to enjoy its always sunny in Philadelphia and the league, which is the best hour of comedy on tv all year. do you not watch either? get on it, always sunny is the most consistently funny, rude half hour on tv, while the league is more like watching your extremely funny group of friends just riff with each other, but better in every way because its filled with that deep seated hatred over something silly (fantasy football) that binds people. in the drama category, Dexter is back for another season, so theres that, as is Sons of anarchy, another show that has petered out to a degree. Homelands back for season 2 after a strong first season.  the fall drama slate, all in all, is loaded with a bunch of shows that are simply ok, and thats fine. Sunday nights (the drama night, if you're a TV Junkie) is already full of sunday night football, so I have no issue if its filled with shows that are merely eh, and besides, we have so many great comedies coming back, we should be happy.

reason 3. HOLIDAYS!!!

Summer is too hot to have holidays, and while spring has easter, its got nothing else with it. Fall Has Halloween, one of the great days in human history where you get candy as a child, drunk as an adult and then party hard and see women in slutty costumes. then, just a few weeks later, is thanksgiving, the king of holidays. Thanksgiving has food all day, football, alcohol, pie, a nap thrown in, and best of all, leftovers. I love my thanksgiving leftover sandwich possibly more than thanksgiving itself, because its so.fucking.good. I'm a man who rocks the dark meat, some stuffing, green bean casserole, gravy and cranberry sauce, smush it down and eat it in the most horrifying matter possible. I am known to nearly die on thanksgiving unhinging my jaw like an anaconda for food, because I will be damned if I am beaten to the dark meat by my idiot brother. but back to halloween, do you realize that few holidays rule across all ages? as a kid, you get candy for nothing. as a teenager, you got elaborate costumes, as a young adult, drunken parties, and as a grown man with no kids, drinking and monster movies. god, fall kicks the shit out of summer. Summer is hot, sticky, too long and filled with awkward bathing suits (not me, I rock a delightful stars and stripes board shorts that makes me nearly irresistable to the ladies) and on top of all of that, theres no good summer holidays. the 4th is ok, and it IS america day, but theres no good holidays. jesus, fall rules so hard I am harder than wolverines bones after hanging out around weapon X too long. I cannot emphasis all the reason fall ghettostomps, but its so ballar it hurt.