lets leave this shit behind in 2011

the new year is upon us, so without further ado, let me begin dumping tuff I don't want from 2011 and keeping it in 2011. preferably forever

sports lockouts. god, we almost lost the NFL this year! I'd have choked godell's ginger ass out for that

Adam sandler movies. really, Sandlers playing jack AND jill? and people will pay to see that? for shame America.

Kardashians. no explantion encessary

Michelle Bachmann. women be craycray ya'll!

Herman Cain. Pokemon quotes can come back though.

the philadelphia eagles 2011 season

colin cowherd. what a douche, supporting lebron and hating people for not having dads.

Planking, owling. its nonsense, its not funny

LeBron James. just cause you have more money than me doesn't mean your not a massive scrotum.

the great white hope that is Andrew luck. "oh he went back! he goes to stanford! lets give him the Heisman, only for RG3 to earn it!" choke on my balls, old white people.

college football scandals that have nothing to do with playing the game, does anyone care that terrelle pryor got paid for doing his job?

Hipster comedies on network tv.

Political idiots, left and right. god do they suck "durr durr durr lets argue about pointless shit when our country has real issues"

fox news. all of it.

guy fieri. really, he should just go back to 1999 where he belongs

whitney cummings, fuck that broad and her creepy puppet face.

tyler the creator, failing to learn the lessons of 9 year olds everywhere, using bad words doesn't make you a badass.

Lady Gaga. god what a twat

awards season movies. War horse looks like a parody of an awards season movies. WAR HORSE DUNDUNDUNDUN. HE'S A HORSE IN A WAR.

the name Jayden. its time it dies people.

the lack of mad men. wheres Jon Hamm supposed to be handsome on tv now, people? where is my smoking and drinking at 9 AM on a tuesday? goddammit

the fact we've had two coldplay albums since the last queens of the stone age one. the fuck people?

the Green Lantern. any person whose weakness includes bananas and ducks is an aquaman level of useless

tune in before christmas to see

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn goodbye, a letter to my faithful

dear loyal readers:

I am sorry to say that my days as Kwanzaa gecko, blogger jack of all trades are over. yes, yes, cue your celebrationss, bust out your champagne. However, this is far from the end of my time on blogspot, or blogging for that matter.

you see, I've made a decision that, if I want to make it big as a blogger (part of me does, I'll be honest) I need to hone my craft writing about something I legitimately care about, something on which I feel I have solid opinions and ideas. yes, television, I will be opening my very own tv blog. tv blogs, their slightly less common than sports blogs! now for a quick Q&A about this new endevour

1. does this mean you're closing this blog?

no, I won't be shutting this down, I'll probably occasionally post back here with a rant on something about why Bros need to be kicked in the face or why the world is a better place when white people aren't being so damn cranky about everything. oooh we got an earthquake today. SCARY! kindly suck my taint.

2. what can we expect on your new blog?

well, tv, a lot of tv. my thoughts on television, what shows you should be watching, what shows should be a sign that you deserve to be put down (coughtwoandahalfmencough). if your a denizen of the sports circle of the world, It'll be sort of grantland-esque in the idea of mixing tv and pop culture into one tasty fudge.

3. will you be getting things like credible sources, screeners or common sense?

I'm an extremely credible source, I don't know what a screener is, and no

4.will you finally get an editor?

possibly, I might actually go through and look for grammar mistakes.

5.what will the blog be called?

 No idea yet, but I have no doubt a solid arrested development pun will be involved.

6. should I keep reading if I don't like tv?

of course, mister hipster, it'll be the same kwanzaa gecko you know and love. however, to put it this way, instead of throwing 100 noodles on the wall and see which sticks, I'll be firing lasers of high powered hilarity and gut busting greatness at a piece of steel.

7. when will this blog be up?

probably by this sunday I hope to have my first post up.

so long guys, its been a great two and a half years, thanks to all my readers and I hope to see you soon.

People I can do without: list 2 edition

1000 ways to die is one of those great late night shows because it proves 2 theories that time always proves

1. white people are crazy

2. people are stupid


if you have a loved one who died in 1000 ways to die, then +1 for mankind, because obviously, if you died in some of these stupid fucking ways, then you deserve it. but of course, there are LOTS of people who we can do without, so without further ado....


parents who name their kids with a theme (like all the same starting letter, or names smiliar to their own)

any single person who went to see paul blart zookeeper.

George lucas for making the clone wars suck

the last fucker who still goes to blockbuster.

old people who tell Me you can't beat the feel of a newspaper in your hands.

people who send letters.

any and all girls on the show teen mom

People who don't appreciate farts

the asshole who puts out fancy schmancy wings without also offering buffalo ones

ranch dressing

the asshole who puts in a papa johns in my town, we have so many pizzerias up in this, we don't need your generic shit pizza.

anyone who doesn't have fun saying winklevoss

Light beer

Juggalos

People who buy their kids affections.

Lebron James

Miami heat fans

the dudes on ghost adventures

crotchedy old white people, I can do a whole entry about cranky old white dudes

Texans

the current history channel line up of stupid shows and 2012/bible code shit

conservative dipshits

Liberal shitheads

Penn and Teller

overtly white families

Twilight fans

Utah. all of it

any of the simpsons episodes made post season 10

Ashton Kutcher

the miracle whip ads where they paint miracle whip people as cool, tragically hip people

Hipsters

the Kardashians

the motherfucker with the beret and mustashe on Mythbusters

Youtube comment sections

HURRDURR or why godaddy thinks I'm an idiot bonus! tv breakdown

if you've read the esteemed gecko gazette (that is, this website, no one under 90 reads newspapers except for crosswords and bridge stuff, nor is it a more esteemed blog because thats the funniest thing ever, blogs with esteem). then you know that I watch a little more tv than the average joe. as I type this sentence, I'm watching tony bourdain go through spain and eat food that I would sell my family into white slavery for. so more often than not, I watch commercials. I've grown to love certain commercials and loathe certain commericals, so thats what we're doing today, breaking down commercials. I am doing this entirely randomly, as I am watching tv, I'll wait for a commerical to come on as we speak, its a semi-live blog. standard 1-10 format, based on how funny/clever they are, how insulting (or lack thereof) they are. do note, I'm trying to avoid info
mercials and ads for a channel or show, its pure commerical 30 second spots here also, I'll be telling you whats on at this hour. why you ask? My wisdom tooth is growing and I can't sleep and this episode of justified isn't loading online, and I'll be damned if I don't get enjoyment out of life.

2:51 AM, spike tv, between manswers: taco bell ad with asif manvi from the daily show. 99 cent crunchwraps? shit, Bin ladens zombie could be selling that while raping my mother and i'd give that ad a 10, thats all I need to know. crunch wraps are the bombs mom. 10/10 for you taco bell! FLIP!

2:53: bourdains still in spain, eating grilled chorizo. I am now hungry for chorizo AKA the sausage king (the sausage king is totally my porn name), CHANNEL FLIP. 8/10 for that

2:55: food network is doing food network challenge, and the challenge is...bake a cake thatsa romance novel cover? 2/10, LONELINESS EARNS NO POINTS HERE, TWILIGHT FANS AND CAT LADIES. eating a cake that looks like a romance book cover is the lonliest activity known to man. period.

2:58: sportscenter top 10. I've always wondered what the true A-team of sportcenter is. is it the two people who do the 9 to noon sportscenter? is it the 6 to 7 PM guys? is it the dudes who do the 1 AM sportscenter that airs roughly 900 times a day?  sportcenter power dynamics are fascinating, also, sportscenter power dynamics is my indie band name. sportcenter gets a 8/10, I watch too much of it.

3:05: food networks got unwrapped and the immortal mark summers. Mark summers, for those not in the know, is THE MAN. he hosted double dare on nickelodeon in the 90's, and has the worlds most wonderful voice, he pauses at the best times...in the world. he adds so much drama to otherwise boring situations. Motherfucker made history IQ interesting, I should know, I'm the only person who has ever watched history IQ.Heres a picture of Marc summers

Marc Summers....is going to have to dare you to be as cool as him? pass? DOUBLE DARE'D BITCH

apropos (vocab 5 Van Der Beek!)

thanks VDB! anyway, apropos of nothing, am I the only one who remembers double dare 2000? the show that was trying to be double dare, only the host was a total tool? I bet that guy totally went home and iced people, or whatever the 2000 equivalent of icing was, I dunno, I'll say it was probably circle jerking. that guy was the picasso of bukkake, (mental note: Picassos of bukkake is another good indie band name), except he would get picassokakked, not give out. but taken, all over his chest and face, I bet that guy always lost at toast and was happier for it, but only to prove how ungay he was, He's a classic closet douche and I wish that at whatever waffle house he works at now he gets fired from for hosting double dare 2000, shit, I could and will do a ranking of the nick game shows of the 90's, thank god for later editing, gang! anyway, back to unwrapped rating.

 its a  9/10, only because the people on unwrapped have the dumbest titles ever. I'll wait for it, don't worry

3:12: Ice Cream historian! dingdingdingding!

3:20: Pep boys ad! I love pep boys ads because they are simple, no singing animals. though those 3 dudes do look straight creepin though, I'm certain

the pep boys in their natural habitat.

I think a half hour of this gag works, so let me get to my point. the godaddy ads are fucking.terrible. oooh! this one is over the top! go online to see the UNRATED CONTENT! spoilers! theres no tits! and even if there is, who cares? its on the internet, tits are more common on the internet than  funny cats and pictures of dogs, does godaddy live on the mormon internet where there is no tits and dogs (just kidding! Mormon people don't trust the internet), and thus, promising naked tit-tays is a great way to boost pageviews? does anyone know what godaddy even SELLS? I'm baffled, but I'm certain its not porn. does Godaddy think that bu promising some naked tits, that people will flock to their website? do they think us fellas are really that dumb? I mean, sheeeet, I've seen beer ads during a football game with a better message to their male audience than that. christ, I hate advertising, ever since Don Draper left, its just not the same.

the weirdest year: a breakdown of our year so far

Jee-zus christ stuffed in a basket, taken to a picnic, and having the ants carry him away, this year has been crazier than a jackrabbit after drinking a lakeful of mountain dew and surge.  whats that producer?

ok guys, my producer is telling me to cut back on the southern crazy talk. though, on the other hand, can southerners read? I'm not sure, but I'll venture a maybe on this one. but now I'm just dodging my headline like a deer trying to dodge traffic on a highway but not ultimately knowing where it can get off, so instead of trying to find its way off, it simply keeps avoiding cars and hoping an 18 wheeler doesn't show up and turn its ass into grass. but know i am truly stalling for time, but shit, isn't that what we're all doing? wasting time. your wasting your time reading this, I'm wasting my time writing it, you'll waste more time inevitably not forwarding this to your friends so I can become super popular and begin to get paid in girlfriends and gold dubloons. Producer? what

I am being told gold dubloons are no longer a legitimate way of paying someone. how about pirate treasures? can I be paid in pirate treasures? ok, good. so I want to be paid in girlfriends (preferably your sister, I hear she's easy from my bigger, stronger more tough friends, don't kill the messanger, bud) and pirate treasures. but yes, this year is barely a third over, and every two weeks it seems like new shit is going.down. and not in the boring durr-durr I'm a racist tea-partier watch me bukkake the room with stupid and slowly cause our countries dimise as a superpower sort of news stories. I'm talking like, legit news and shit, I mean the stuff that will be in the history books later. (quick aside: as a future teacher, it boggles my mind when I see the fancy new history books, where they have a chapter on clinton and dubya and 9/11 and iraq and shit, it feels so weird to me to see that, also makes me feel super important that stuff that happened in my lifetime is now considered history, one day this blog will be in a history textbook (note: not actual book, but the info cards (Ninja info cards (this is one too many set of parenthesis (no, this is))) as the shining pinnacle of human intelligence and knowledge, I will have whole books written about me and you will wish you hopped on this bandwagon like a something something on another something) I mean, shit, legitimate stuff has gone down like your Mom on a date in arbys (Editors Note: Nothing sexual has ever happened in an arbys, its like the jonas brothers of places). lets break it down like a lego set, shall we? we'll do a few categories, to be safe, real news, entertainment bullshit, and sports

Egypt gets revolutionized in a few weeks, overthrowing hosni mubarak and starting a trend of dominos to follow in places like tunisia, cyprus and where we end up next

we attack libya because gaddafi is a crazy person and we feel its the right thing to do for the oil, of course.

People speak of donald trump unironically as a presidental candidiate, shattering all known comedy sensors and striking deep seated fear that we are reaping what we have sown when it comes to giving idiots with too much money and not enough hair or common sense power. also, we figure out its probably not a good idea to let donald trump to keep it up.

all through the midwest, derpy derps begin attacking anyone who is not comically wealthy, such as teachers, police officers, fire fighters, planned parenthood and the like, telling them its time they pay up for all the damage they caused. they manage to do this with a striaght face while not going after the greediest, most comically money hungry people on wall street for ruining our economy and millions of peoples livelihoods.

controversey rages over whether obama was born here when fucking really people? you don't thiunk that shit gets double, triple, quadruple checked by the fucking committies who allow people to run for fucking president, really? ok, here, I'll let you have this little area, go on, say it. say why you really think Obama wasn't born here. racist. there, I said it.

and of course, the news sunday night that osama bin laden was killed. I mean, really, raise your hand if you weren't at least pleased that a guy like that no longer walks among the living. and if your one of those tighwad liberal dickwigglers who said you were disgusted by the fact people were celebrating his death, kindly kiss the top of my ass. its called ecstasy, it happens sometimes, you know, when your overjoyed to the point you can't control it. is that weird? no, not really. he's been the face of our evil for 10 years, and he's dead? gotta be able to be a bit happy about that, pat.

forgot about that congresslady getting shot in january. remember that? that feels like so long ago, and she's alive! from a headshot! that guy who didn't kill her is a shitty shot and He's no friend of mine.

Rapture fails to come, old person looks like a fool.

Entertainment:

can hardly start this section with anyone other than the warlock himself, can we? I mean, we all knew it was coming that charlie sheen would eventually do something to get him off the official show of fly-over states and your parents, two and a half men. but I doubt anyone thought it be as thoroughly entertaining and amazing to watch, hear and enjoy quite like how it went down. for a long while, the sheenster produced more catchphrases and memorable lines than the section of my kohls with all the silly internet shirts that would've been HI-larious in 2007. I mean, he spouted em out like it was nothing, and I kind of miss it.

glee does Lady Gaga, hitting some sort of gay singularity. a singularit-gay, if you will. if you've read this blog before, you know I am no fan of Lady Gaga, but glee sucks like  a whores vaccuum on a rich businessmans cock. now, I'm biased because I'm straight up and down like 6 o clock, and I happen to have a pig ole benis, so I am biased against any musicals to begin with. but I watch gossip girl of my own free will, and I think Glee sucks worse than gossip girl. Glee also sucks because it gets sucked off at an alarming rate for being so great. Glee is not good, we all know teenage girls have terrible taste in everything, don't appease them, if Glee wins best comedy at the emmys, I will smack a bitch. Communitys 100 times the show glee is, Parks and recreation is too. Modern Familys better by leaps and bounds, and your gonna give it to a high school dramedy that does neither drama nor comedy particularly well? for shame emmys for shame

the kings speech wins the oscar. its a world war 2 era flick about overcoming disability. color me shocked that that won best picture while true grit, a movie that primarily focused on the fun as hell western genre, doesn't.

Justin timberlake hosts SNL, is funny as usual.

friday, a song by a 13 year old girl about days of the week, comes out. holy shit, is that song hilaribad, its awful in every conceivable way and some ways that only vatican assassins could understand. with such great lyrics as "Yesterday was thursday, today it is friday, we we we so excited, we so excited, we gonna have a ball today. tomorrow is saturday, and sunday comes afterward". really? thats fucking hilariously awful, its like one of those sci-fi movies where its a giant shark fused with an octopus terrorizing people who have all the range of a board. its not even ham acting, its just fucking awful, but at the same time, its hilarious. you can't turn it off, you have to see it to the end, same with friday. its Like Miracles but funnier.

Sportz:

the NFL locks itself out for reasons primarily being they don't make enough money. billionaires. with a huge tv contract. and stadiums that you, yes you mr taxpayer, paid for. they want players to pay for it while not paying for the players healthcare even though they die young often from the injuries they get. even stranger, some NFL fans support the owners. I have nothing to add to this other than the NFL owners sued to not have football, so yeah, chew on that. also, Aaron rodgers wins the super bowl, every idiot in green bay and in the national media who said it was a bad idea for the packers to get rid of dongslinger extraordinaire brett favre can suck the top of Aaron Rodgers Ballbag.

Rex Ryan tells you to not be a limpdick, get your goddamn snacks.

an actual exciting NBA season. Yeah, I know! the Knicks are...decent, the nets get Deron Williams (WOOO!), Blake Griffin shows he is made primarily of the hopes of man crossed with a rocket pack. the lakers and celtics both lose early (Woo!), Lebron "the gaping vagina" James and his merry band of heat do not get eliminated early (BOO!).Rooting for the heat shows you have no soul and are now a servant of the dark one of the great beyond, but its ok, because you still look more human than chris bosh.

Pandora is Real! chris Bosh outted as first alien basketball player .

with a really exciting regular season, the NBA will lock itself out, albiet for less rich white dude reasons than the NFL.

Baseball, finally scandal free and the only big league (sorry NHL) that doesn't have the threat of labor stoppage. Baseball, unable to go anywhere without first tripping over itself and breaking its own arm, has two franchises (the dodgers and mets, two big name franchises) that are losing money Like I lose socks. also, the red sox continue their tragic success story, I continue wishing sweet death to kevin youkilis, who totally looks like he's a douche.

ESPN hires curt schilling to do baseball commentary.  I die inside and then I invent  my newest meme "curt schilling facts as spoken by one true beacon of truth, curt schilling", here are some gems:

Hi, I'm curt Schilling, Baseball super god and all around intelligent person. did you know I could throw 100 mph backward with my eyes closed and no hands? well I, Curt Schilling, can do that no problem.

Curt Schilling here. do you know why I didn't use steroids? Steroids would have made me, Curt Schilling, baseballs mormon messiah, a worse pitcher. they derived Steroids from My own superior DNA.

Hey folks! Curt Schilling, the last human being who plays everquest instead of WoW. did you know just one drop of my semen can cure all known diseases? however, since I'm Mormon, I only have sex with my 7 wives, so no cures for you!

whats up gang? its me, Curt Schilling, the mouthiest fattest and voted 42 time most handsome man by the curt schilling committee of cool dudes blogger on earth. did you know the red sox are the single greatest organization? that theo epsteins a solid guy, he is a human alchemist.  my alchemy level is well over 9000, I can turn humans into other humans.

is your name curt schilling? are you the one true arbiter of baseball? could you be any smarter or more awesome? no? thats right, cause i'm Curt Schilling, and i am all of these things and more.

Curt Schillings sock was only bloody because he was perioding that day. He's an enormous tool, fuck that guy twice with a hot molten stick, the kind you see to make steel and shit.

Boston fans are still terrible, so nothing changed there.

the NHL gets a good finals with teams that people will actually watch, including a canadian one! I know, I'm amazed too!

Tiger woods can't get his shit in line. America, can we let tiger woods go have sex with skanky women again? please? I don't wanna watch phil mickelson smirk his way to every championship, or worse, some guy I've never heard of winning (WINNING!). Golfs better When Tiger is dominating everything he sees in his path, that includes skanky bar girls, let the man be. Players gonna play, Haters gonna hate, Tiger.

Mark Sanchez is dating a high school girl. I find this hilarious.

the year in summary:

this has been one goddamned strange-ass year, don't you think? we're 5 months in right now, and it feels like we've had a year of shit happening, who knows what the future holds? I hope its got jetpacks and robots, I could use a robot best friend. lets see how this ends up, but I am hoping it will be as interesting as the first half this year. until then, this is Kwanzaa gecko, signing off with his usual byline.

an open letter to the other prince of england

dear other prince of england:

whats up you gingery bastard? Man, gotta be crazy with all this royal wedding shit going down, everyones eyes are gonna be on marrying princes hot new wife. but man, you are the one who has every right to celebrate, not her. yeah yeah, she's gonna be royalty and all that jazz, happy times and handjobs for her and her pretty dress, but man, you are the one who has it made my friend, you know why?

the minute new princess says I do, you, my friend, are off the hook. you hope main prince knocks that broad up and when it happens, you do fucking BACKFLIPS. why, you say?

your a fucking PRINCE. OF ENGLAND. you will be in your 20's with no real job other than show up to fancy events wearing pants (note: pants most likely optional), not say anything too RAY-CESS (note: RAY-CESS ness also optional), don't fingerbang your cousin (note: cousin fingering encouraged in royalty land, doubly so if said fingering can get you land or power or an alliance of some sort). you're the younger, more avaliable prince too. I demand debauched  tales of you going on a fuck festival through England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Australia, Canada and any other current or former British territories not named America (we have enough useless people here thank you very much). I mean you gotta plow 10-20 women a day, snort colombia out of cocaine and then snort brazil out of cocaine too. I wanna see you with 3 different models a day, in crazed orgies where someone might die but the royal family will cover it up. you better proceed to pound every hot girl in britain with your unslighty ginger dong and getting enough trim to make tiger woods feel inadequate. you're in the clear, if you weren't a prince, you'd just be some ugly crazy ginger, do you realize how unattractive that is? granted, your skin isn't that pale, so you're a daywalker, but thats still unattractive enough to warrant you not getting poonani for the rest of your days. you, my friend, have been blessed with one of the few automatic panty-dropper titles. you think any girls turning down the chance to allow you to put your pork sword into her pink scabbard? all it takes it 1 sperm to swim up her canal and get pregnant and she is set for how long?

fuck yeah, sandlot!

you hear that, Other Prince of England? you have one job now, sharks in pussies, cocaine snorted, triple fistings. I need an unstable, debauched human being I can admire his antics from afar, yet retreat into my own loving stable life at the end of the day. I wanna hear stories that would make Mick Jagger and Charlie Sheen (WINNING!) feel gross and inadequate in comparison. I want stories that will put all the free sex from 65 to 80 feel like it was tame and vanilla, like the sex super conservative jews have through a sheet. I want violent acts and general mischief that will both impress and disgust me. you can't be a slapdick, other Prince, get your goddamn snacks. now get out there and be cuh-ray-zee.

a message to the 30 year old gecko from the last bit of 20 year old kwanzaa gecko.

Dear future Gecko:

have the robots destroyed us all? were the mayans right?  did everything go according to that totally secret plan we hid under the mattress? the trip to england? the crazy swedish midget orgies? did you build your  own iron man suit and proceed to change mankind with your raw handsomeness? are you annoyed by my questions? has ted finally met mother on how I met your mother? really, He hasn't? he's gonna die a virgin then, fucking ted ruins the show, god i hate ted. did community rock? it only lasted 3 seasons? ok, I can live with that. what college did we pick? did we enjoy it? you better not be a fucking sellout, or I will cut you when you come to visit me in your time machine. listen future gecko, this is the last message I am leaving you as a 20 year old gecko, no doubt the blog has revolutionized the way people think, act and talk. I mean, I've only been keeping it up 2 years, and its already considered better than your average BAH-STAHN FACKIN DRIVEL ABOUT THE LEGENDARY FARTITUDE OF THE BASEBAWL LARRY BIRDS! anyway, I don't have much time, soon enough the clock will change, and I will die and be reborn as a 21 year old, suave, handsome, ultrasexy K-Gex (did the nickname catch on? when you interview conan, did He call you it? when you went on weaselfucks show, did he call you it and you proceed to hit him in the kisser so hard he got a bit of your talent then spat it out?) do you still like good music, if you like 2020 coldplay, I will cock you in the fucking jaw. can I get a high five, James Van Der Beek?

thanks James! I only got 4 minutes left, before I got break every part of BYU's honor code (that jokes funny now,  trust me, Van Der Beek likes it, right van der beek?

back to back Van Der beeks? nice going dawg. anyway, I am officially done, its midnight, and the soups over (note: the soup was the last bastion of tv people mocking before it got engulfed by the kardashian ass, I hope you guys stopped them before it was too late, its the last thing you better do, future gecko) I Hope you get this letter, from me to me, from you to you, and lets hope these next couple of years stomp enough elephant ass to make us a piano

from:

20 year old Gecko