a letter to teenage girls

dear teenage girls:

Hey, its me, kwanzaa gecko. no, not THAT one, I'm not in a boy band and I'm not on TV, so you probably won't listen to Me, but I have an important message for you.

your not getting treated equally by your parents, teachers, or anyone older than you, so stop fucking trying.



oh sure, tv tells you otherwise, that your parents genuinely give two shits about what you want for dinner, or that you have a say in familial issues. if your parents are doing either of these, here

see her? she's a stripper. DAS WERE YOU GOIN, HOMES.

I know what your saying "Gecko, your not right, My mom and dad are my friends" yeah well, guess what? then your gonna be a stripper or a ho, either or.  Parents who tell your friends to call them their first name, take you and your friends shopping all the time, and try to act like their 16 too. if your a parent like that, your a horrible person, and I want you to stop reading now. why? because its obvious your already too stupid to function. OOOH SNAP! YOU'VE JUST ENTERED...

TIERRA DEL FUEGO!


Listen, I don't have anything against strippers, but christ, american parents, its not OUR job to make the strippers. strippers are like good vodka or communist ideals, they're best imported from russia, not unlike blog hero Mikhail prokhorov. russian girls need stripping more than american girls, after all, if your stupid and american, you usually just end up on a reality show or married to some fuckweed limpdick lawyer whose cheating on you with some equally useless human being. the immortal chris rock says as a dad, your job is to keep your daughter off the pole, and this 100 percent true. if your daughters a stripper, you should be branded with a "I suck at every facet of parenting, don't take my advice at all, ok? thank you, I'll just be here whacking off to my lesbian dog porn and sniffing my own feet".


anyway teenage girls, please stop treating your parents like shit "Ohmygod! you don't understand, gecko, they don't let me do whatever I want" yeah, no shit, thats cause thats great parenting. if they did that, you'd end up like poor destiny up there, grinding for creepy old men and talking about how you want to one day open up a make up counter at the mall and meet mister right. guess where mister right doesn't go? strip clubs. anyway, my point here is if you expect your folks to just let you do whatever and treat you like an equal, enjoy a life of disappointment and dickbreath.

Happy veterans day, and god bless this beautiful country:

Kwanzaa Gecko AKA Kwan-gizzle AKA the Big KG AKA gecksy AKA your future stepdad.

why sucker punch already looks like the best movie ever made

"Sacriledge! everyone whose read this blog knows gecks' favorite movies are transformers 1 and 2!" they say. "its not artsy or cool, my hipster friends say it looks plebian and pedantic" they say "this movie looks like shit" they say. I speak of course of the coolest looking fucking move ever made, and the fucker isn't even out yet. I speak of Sucker Punch. go on, watch this trailer. I got time to kill.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSIetIg7O3M

ok, you catch all that? you didn't? let me go down a quick list to tell you exactly what this movie has that makes me happy.

Jon Hamm playing a brothel owner

a samurai with a mini gun

dragons fighting bombers

random zeppelin crashing

girls fighting in sexy costumes with both sword and gun

Badass fight music

a girl in an insane asylum

sexy dance sequences in a whorehouse

zombie and robot killing

world war I trenches next to a castle

girls in schoolgirl costumes

jetpacks

time travel

AND THATS JUST IN THE TRAILER
\ok, I hear you "Gecko, this DOES sound like a badass movie, but who wrote it? who directed it? surely its gonna be fucked up by that guy, right?" fuck and no, it won't, because the director and writer of sucker punch is a topflight, no holds bar, balls to the wall badass. thats right, the only guy who can buy a house on the same floor as Michael Bay in my movie maker power tower, Zach snyder.

who is Zach Snyder, you ask? well, he's the guy who directed 300 and watchmen, two of the most balls to the wall face crushingly awesome movies ever, I mean, you saw the part in 300 were they make a wall of dead persians, right? or when Leonidas plowed his wife? or when they cut a persian dudes head off in slow motion? fuck and yes you do, because those parts of 300, along with most of the rest of it, were BAD FUCKING ASS. ok, Maybe you didn't see 300, I get it. Maybe you saw watchmen? with the badass opening title sequences, and the tits, and the guy getting his face scalded off with burning oil, or a a midget gangster getting murdered, or rohrshach killing 3 dudes in a bathroom without even using a gun or a weapon? or the part with the purple bat liger? or rohrshach murdering two dogs? yes you do, because watchmen was excellent, thats why. Zach Snyder knows what he's doing with movies, he's not gonna make you think, or force deep life questions on you, He's gonna stomp you in the nuts with awesome and then tongue punch your sisters baby box in slow motion. Here are Snyders words about the movie:

"On the other hand, though it's fetishistic and personal, I like to think that my fetishes aren't that obscure. Who doesn't want to see girls running down the trenches of World War One wreaking havoc? "

I can tell you who doesn't want to see that, FUCKING NO ONE.

the only flaw with sucker punch is its not out till goddamned march, which means I have to wait another 5 fucking months to see it. 2011 is going to be chock a block with kickass movies. Sucker Punch, Thor, Transformers 3 and captain america, plus the hangover 2 allegedly, who isn't fucking wet? go watch that trailer 100 more times and tell me your not excited to see sucker punch.

boring rich people and what I'd do with my fuck you money

ever notice how exceedingly boring rich people are? all they do is buy houses and cars, its never anything batshit or cool. so thats what this about, what would I do with an exceedingly large amount of money. How Much Money you ask? fuck you money, thats how much. I mean enough to  make normal billionaires feel inadequate, enough to make your average rich fuck feel like he might as well be eating ramen noodles for the rest of his life. I am talking countrys gross domestic product money here, and not shitty african countries who make no money, I mean like fucking spain, a 3rd or 4th tier nation, a fucking enormous amount

(please note: all of this is after taxes, paying off mortages and what have you)


1. house with buckets of secret passageways and a moat with man eating crocodiles.

2. an M1A1 Abrahms tank to fuck with people/drive around.

3. my own entourage who are required to laugh at all my jokes

4. hot russian trophy wife, have her prenup it up.

5.a midget, to have him wrestle and do tricks for Me

6.a group of struggling actors to reenact return of the jedi, but ending instead with a violent ewok massacre. I'm pretty sure the guy who plays luke is avaliable anyway.

7.giant FUCKING cannon, I mean comically big, complete with 60 acre property to launch shit out of my cannon including but not limited to: couches, old tv's, bulky furniture, cases of propane and the entire cast of Glee.

8. weasle my way to be conan o briens first guest on his new show, be charming and awesome

9. start my own tv channel: GeckoTV. all we air is House, Bones, How I met your Mother, the office, 30 rock and old 90's cartoons, also, star wars weekends where we air the 6 movies.

10. buy small country, name myself supreme Jedi of the high council

11. not use so many star wars references

12. ok, one more, buy the rights to star wars and have episodes 1-3 remade to not suck, have it primarily feature Mace Windu, Obi-wan Kenobi, Yoda and Boba fett on a massive space pussy journey.

13. work on mind control technology so I can keep geckopolis under control

14. pay a band to follow Me around and play epic theme music behind Me, preferably duel of the fates (shit this is waaaay too many star wars references)

15. buy 2 and a half men from CBS and burn all possible copies of it in a fire, use mind control technology to wipe it from the face of the earth.

16.set off an EMP somewhere. just cause.

17. kill anyone who shops healthy at non healthy based fast food resturants.

18. conquer france, exile the french from it.

19. become famous, write my memoirs and go on oprah, promptly kick oprah in the tits and get a rousing cheer.

20. die fighting a bear in a giant explosion while in my pool orgy.

Heaven stats

a favorite writer of Mine is Drew Magary, because he is awesome and funny and writes about stuff that I consider vital. in a mailbag of his, he talks about something i believe is extremely vital. Heaven stats. what are heaven stats? it is like your statistics of life, of stuff you'd NEVER keep track of, but always wondered. How many women would've had sex with Me? How many poops did i take? so I figured to take this idea and run with it, so here are all the vital things I need to know the moment i get to heaven, broken down by category.


sex!
amount of times I had sex

amount of orgasms

biggest orgasm

amount of women who would have had sex with Me if I had asked

record for most masturbations and sexings in a day

where you rank among all of these among all people in heaven, I'd like to know where I rank in the skin flute virtuosos hall of fame, top 10 percent? top 5? top 20?

best orgasm

fastest orgasm (in time AND Pumps)



bodily functions!

amount of poop/pee/vomit produced

biggest dump

smelliest dump

most amount peed out in one go

if said pee could have overflowed a modern toilet on pure amount of liquid, if not how close did it come?

once again, where do I rank?

my rate of floaters to sinkers

most normal colored peed out

fastest/slowest dump and piss




random stuff

heaviest object lifted, both solo and team, for team, how much of the object you yourself lifted.

article of clothing most worn

pair of shoes that lasted the longest

activity you spent the most of your time doing

room you spent the most time in

longest time slept

amount of drugs both legal and illegal taken

amount of alcohol drank

most commonly eaten food

most commonly dranken drink

amount of beard grown in yards

loudest fart

smelliest fart

amount of farts laid

percent of time doing stuff (sleeping, showering, working et cetera)

nicest beard/mustashe you grew


there you go, a short list of stuff i need to know once I get to heaven, and more importantly, I actually finished a blog entry for the first time in like, months. god that feels good, I am going to go make out with myself, should have another one out sooner than the gap between this one and the people I can do without, DAS A PROMISE DAWG.

people we can do without

title says it all, a complete list of people who I think the world would be a lot better without, its a take on a classic george carlin bit "People I can do without"

any person under 20 who only listens to "classic rock"

anyone who calls soccer "the beautiful game"

men who wear tevas

older men who tell My generation theirs was the only one to make a difference, man

any and all hippies over 50

any and all hippies

any and all people who will watch the big bang theory over community this fall

the people who find two and a half men hilarious

notre dame football fans

duke basketball fans

creepy cougars who don't have the body to be cougars

any large women in tight clothes

anyone who claims Japan is superior to america solely based on their animation

fans of nascar

any woman in a pink jersey or baseball hat

countries with mutltiple names (pick one, Holland!)

any teenager with a che guavara t-shirt

all people who shop at hot topic

twilight fans

twilight moms

all fans of glee, in the words of jeff winger "write some original songs!"

Beyonce

sportswriters, specifically any who bitch about super bowl locale.

anyone who paid money to see killers

the new karate kid movie with jaden smith

will farrell sports movies

anyone who tells me field of dreams is better than the sandlot

people with a first name for a last name

people with a last name for a first name

women who do great in their NCAA pools by picking random colors

emo kids

scene kids

anyone who says tony hawk pro skater 2 isn't the best skateboarding game ever made

the clerks at gamestop who look down on people who don't play weird japanese games and brag about how great they are for playing final fantasy

tea party members

any and all kevin james movies

fans of carlos mencia

people who drive slow

all conspiracy theories

anyone who says that guts is better than legends of the hidden temple

people who spell normal names weird

anyone convinced the world of avatar is superior to ours

people who say digimon are real

anyone who says the orange box isn't the best value in human history

anyone who picks bulbasaur

Mikhail prokhorov: Honorary american and international badass

Gecko: two straight posts on why certain people outawesome americans? are you on coke? no gentle reader, I am not, feeling international though, and besides, our subject today is easily the coolest guy alive.

Lets say I need a guy to hang out with. what do I want in him? well, tall is good, tall people are cool. I want him to be obscenely rich, like, serious fuck you money. I want an international man of mystery with good taste, always important, plus it adds a much needed badass.

Mikhail Prokhorov or as I'll be calling him, Micky P, is easily the coolest dude in the world.

why is this?

1. He got arrested...for having hot girls hang around him and being suspected they were prostitutes he flew in from russia to france. he responded by insulting all french people and fucking the prime ministers foxy wife.

2.His 3 biggest loves are business sports and food. IE: manliness, manliness and eating. He is not married because he hasn't, in his own words "found a woman who isn't a good enough cook to him" Micky P knows where his shit is AT.

3. Micky P is buying the new jersey nets and will lure Lebron here and then to brooklyn.

4. Micky P is 6'8 and has youtube videos of himself DOING JETSKI TRICKS. what more do you need in a man?

5. after food business and sports, Micky P loves, LOVES beautiful women, to the point when he goes clubbing, he has hot russian girls just surrounding him and dancing for him and his friends.

6. He worked russian democracy to make him a buttload of cash, got busted by the french for pimpitude, was advised to sell for 10 billion dollars.seemingly 20 seconds later, the bottom fell out of the russian metal industry, leaving everyone but Micky P fucked. this proves without A doubt Micky P is at least psychic, which since all telekinetic people rule, is a sure sign Micky P is a badass.

due to the fact that the NBA is rigged and makes me sad, Micky P wasn't able to telekinetically remove david sterns nuts. However, Micky P is so badass its ridiculous, as I believe I have shown. in short, he's a giant russian man who works out a lot, is fuck you rich, enjoys women and good food, and could be an excellent bond villian. He is smart and awesome and I hope he reads this and decides to hire Me as nets official ball buster. your the man, Micky P, and I wish you and Jay-z nothing but luck. Oh right

reason 7: He hangs out with Jay-z, one of the baddest cats around. Jay-Z is such a badass, he actually makes me not want to run over Beyonce with a bulldozer, which is rather incredible. Oh beyonce has a non traditional body you say? I didn't know big breasts long legs and wide hips was non traditional, America! Jay-z, on the other hand, is a bad cat who can fly, victory: Jay.

reason 8: He's awesome.

the golden geckos for the 2009-10 tv season

TV is easily the top dog of the entertainment industry right now. Fuck, I saw a trailer for an Ashton Kutcher/Katharine Heigl romantic comedy the other day, and I wanted to run down an orphan with a compactor. I have stated all movies fall into a sort of sub category of action-y summer movie, shitty romcoms, and Oscar bait, and TV is were all the creative minds of Hollywood decide to hang out. And since TV has now officially taken a break for the summer, I feel hollow and empty inside. Sort of like how I leave your girlfriend in your bed.

So, without further ado, I am giving out the prestigious Golden Gecko. Why is this award so highly regarded? Like your absentee father, my respect is hard to come by. Unlike your absentee father, I won't drive you to a life of stripping, drugs and slutty hook-ups (Samantha).

So we got a variety of things we'll give out awards for: Best Drama, Best Comedy, Best New Show, Best Network, as well as Worst Network and Worst New Show, and Best Actor in comedy and drama.

(note that has to be made: these aren't the fucking Emmys, which tend to reward what they liked for the past few years and/or shows that are ending; this is primarily what I felt had a good year and what deserves to be recognized):

Best Comedy: Archer

Great, great year for comedy. With the newcomers like Community and Modern Family, solid showing from always-excellent shows like 30 Rock and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and even a good show or two in traditional sitcomopolis with How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. However, if you pick anything other than Archer, you're doing it wrong. I judge comedy on a rather simple thing: How many times can I use its funny quotes with them still being funny? and Archer is the king of that. Archer didn't have a bad episode in 10 this season, and each episode had at least 3 kickass quotes in it.

What is Archer, you ask? Quite simply: its a spy comedy. To describe it better, its the funniest fucking show on TV right now, which is amazing since its on a super strong network (FX is probably the best network in terms of content right now) with great competiton in It's Always Sunny and The League, and now Louie, but even still Archer was the funniest show of the year.

Best comedy actor: Charlie Day

Comedy is always were the Emmys fuck up. Really, Two and a Half Men is funny now? The puppet faced weirdo is funny? Fuck them, the funniest guy on TV, bar none, is Charlie Day. For those who watch Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie Day is the guy who plays Charlie Kelly, easily the funniest character on Always Sunny. Allow me to put it this way: I judge comedy in two ways, the above-mentioned quotableness, and delivery. Charlie Day's delivery is fucking fantastic. Go watch any scene where he is fighting with any of the cast of Always Sunny, and its impecable. Go watch the "kitten mittons" scene, if you need to be convinced. His face, his voice, his fucking everything is fucking DELIGHTFUL (Joke here about how you're totally fucking gay for this bastard?--Love, Vicky) to watch since its so over the top ridiculous, any time he fucking talks I just lose it, it is a joy to watch someone who is this funny and-- ignored by the dogfisters at the Emmys? Really? Glee is funny? Glee isn't any good, its a musical without original music and half the people sound auto-tuned as shit. Charlie Day makes me squeal with gayness and mirth, whether he's stalking the waitress, dressed as green man, or pitching mittons for cats, he's a god damn FORCE on Always Sunny, and I'm recognizing, I got your back Charlie.

Best Drama: Dexter

A very, very good year for drama: Mad Men living up to its usual excellent standards, Lost having a fantasic, confusing, wonderful final season, The Pacific was a harrowing depiction of war, and newcomer Treme living up to hype as "the new Wire", but all of them pale in comparison to Dexter. Dexter's 4th season was a maze of emotions, from high to low, and while it wavered just a smidgeon at the beginning, the last 3rd of the season was emotional as all hell. All this was lead up to one of the few finales this year where I jumped up at my screen and yelled "THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN, THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE DOING THAT". A drama is only as good as its twists and turns, and Dexter had them in bunches. The identity of Trinity at first, then is He alone, a lone wolf? No, no he's not, he has a family! and Dexter, our protagonist grows close to them, how could he? He has to study Trinity and find out how he keeps it a secret, and that's as much as I am willing to spoil. Excellently narrated and acted by Michael C. Hall, and easily the best guest actor this year (Jon Lithgow, who legitimately gave me goosebumps at points this year playing Trinity). I have been eagerly anticipating season 5 since season 4 ended, and that is the sign of great drama, you need to know what happens next.

Best Actor: Jon Hamm

Jon Hamm is the biggest boss you've seen thus far. He plays every aspect of Don Draper, were most actors would play Draper as a mysterious, dickish sort, you see every layer of Don with Jon Hamm, his strength, his weakness, the mysterious past, and yes, the great ad man. Jon Hamm gets plenty of love for pulling off D-drapes, and he will continue with a win in the Best Drama Actor category. Season 3 had Don pulled around by a crazy old man, lose his woman to a slimy politician, bang a teacher, become a father to baby Gene, school some Italian douchebags, and at the end, you could see in his eyes "I will build this new agency to great heights, we will be a goddamned force of nature, and no one will stop me". Don is a bad motherfucker who kicks ass, takes names and fingerbangs who he pleases (literally).

Best New Show: Community

Why does Community get the nod over Archer? Becauseause I already blew Archer up there, so now it's time to suck Community off. Community is the best show on network tv now that Lost is gone, and wow, what a first season. Each character developed without dragging too much, the jokes were crisp and funny, and it managed to play at your emotions without losing the funny, a vital part of comedy. Joel McHale is the ideal leading man, he's got good comedic chops, good improv skills, he's (I'll admit it) attractive and just enough of a douche to make you laugh. Danny Pudi is one of the best comedic characters to come onto network tv in years, and with enough of a running plot to keep you enticed, though each episode stands alone as good solid comedy. Truly astounding since most network comedies treat the viewer as a slack-jawed idiot . CBS is particularly guilty of this, though they make How I Met Your Mother, which is particularly excellent.

Best Network: FX

Its astounding (This is like the fourtieth time you've used the word "astounding", you prat) really, that FX is owned by Fox. Fox is easily the worst of the 4 big networks, relying on American Idol and Family Guy to drive me into a rage (and bring in the ratings), and having one decent show (Bones) to save it from being a joke of a network. But FX is the best network around right now. You've got Sons of Anarchy, which features copious amounts of motorcycle badassery and justified for your law enforcment asskickery. Comedy, though, is where FX flexes its muscles, with Archer, Always Sunny and The League, not to mention Louie. FX just churns out good programming all the time, its amazing that those pigfuckers who run TV aren't fucking it up. Actually, speaking of pigfuckers...

Worst Network: NBC

And this one is by a country mile. I thought it'd take a mouthbreathing cumswiller the likes of which we haven't seen since the last Daughtry album to top the idiocy CBS spurts out (I'm looking at you, Two and a Half Men and the 100 crime shows you have on, plus Rules of Engagement and Gary Unmarried) but WOW. NBC is run by easily the dumbest people on earth. Am I saying this solely out of vengeance for my man Conan O'Brian? Partially, yes, since they basically set Conan up to fail, then said "We no know how Conan fail!!" I can tell you, NBC. Its because you stuck the unfunny car fister in front of him, causing everyone to be instantly pissed off. Then you decide to yank weaselfucker's show (a smart move) and decide that 7 months is enough, and treat Conan like he is garbage. I hope your children are cursed with infertility and birth defects. Then you decide "Hey, Parks and Rec was really solid, you know what we should do for our 2010-11 season? make it a midseason replacement and break up the best 2 hour block on tv (the Thursday night comedy block, the only thing saving NBC). Top that with LOSING money on the olympics, having no real sports on it, exclusively built up on the reputation of a "bastion of good tv" (a lie, since none of their dramas have really panned out) and take away the Thursday block, and their comedy is atrocious. Heroes turned into a massive pile of plotholes and shit midway through season 3 when 4 characters (Claire, Hiro, Peter and Sylar) became massively overpowered, and none of their other dramas have even came close to panning out. NBC is a disgrace, and its worse than the CW, and only teenage girls (and me when Gossip Girl (aka the Blake Lively Sexy Titty Hour) comes on) watch that shit.