Gecko for pope 2013

so the pope resigned recently, and now we have no pope living in the pope palace, doing important pope business ( a source of mine has revealed that popin ain't easy) now, since we have no new pope, I nominate me for the election.why would I make a good pope?

1. I look good in hats

half the job of being pope is wearing the pope hat, wielding the mighty Pope staff to what I presume is summon lasers and/or dragons and/or laser dragons to do my bidding, I look pretty solid in hats, so I think that one is a no brainer, really.

2. I'm not catholic

you'd think this one is an against, but really, we could use some fresh eyes on all these important Pope Problems, and who better than someone who doesn't fundamentally believe in a pope?

3. I am AWESOME at hiding shit.

pedophiles? in MY church? why I never! I mean seriously, between all the molest-y priests and the fact that there are some cool secrets in the pope castle ( I'm guessing a passageway to those laser dragons and probably a real nice Italian joint in there too), I won't tell anyone, I promise.

4. need someone to not come up with good ideas?

I mean christ, I spent most of last april sleeping the day away, eating french toast breakfest sandwiches out of shitty eggs and bacon, and generally doing nothing. you need a way to make sure nothing changes and your fantastically corrupt group stays in power? I'm your man.

5. I'll move the Pope Palace

sorry, but living in italys not my game. I'd rather NOT live in a mafia run shit-hole with a government so unstable, the french think that THEIR systm is better than yours. where to?  either a floating mobile Pope castle, or somewhere nice and comfy where I won't have to deal with comically bad government and I can generally relax, I'm thinking Portugal.

6. i will send you to heaven if you vote for me, and to hell if I don't

apparently the Pope has the ability to retroactively send people to heaven and/or hell ( I mean, if he's got one, he's got the other, right) so a vote for me is an easy way into haven with all its magic strippers and chick-fil-a bars and everyone gets their own kate upton. if you don't, well, do you want to be stuck in hell, eating arbys and forced to hang out with coked out real housewives? what if I send hitler to one of them? CAUSE I CAN DO THAT, APPARENTLY, SO  A VOTE FOR ME IS A VOTE AGAINST HITLER.

7. I'll share some nice honorary titles with ya'll.

who wants a visit from the globetrotters? who wants to go chill out with some guys in funny outfits who are swiss and make cheese? ya'll invited, so don't worry


8. I'll modernize being pope

we need to take this ish into the 21st century, so we'll be hard at work on robot priests, holy jetpacks, and from the new mobile pope palace, a sweet new Pope channel to display all my good ideas and air psych reruns when we want them. also? dubstep thursdays and rock music fridays on WPOP, the all new pope music station dedicated to getting my important ideas out there, ranging from who runs the pokemon government to how to fix the economy, to if you're being an asshat and if you have to worry about my laser dragons (you might!)


9. I will be hard at work sainting important people

no one gets sainted anymore, and this is a goddamn shame. first person on the list is the legendary Ol Dirty Bastard from the Wu tang clan, then the first guy to discover fried chicken is delicious, and a whole other list of people, including:

all of the Wu-tang Clan

Boylan, for making delicious root beer

whoever made football so kick ass

Marty Brodeur

Iron Man, Thor and Captain America, along with hulk. the fucker with the bow is left out for reasons that should be obvious

the first guy to make pokemon happen, along with all the pokemon.

randall cunningham (sorry Mikey vick, but dog fighting isn't saint worthy. and thats double for you, shady mccoy, FOR SO RIGHTEOUSLY FUCKING MY FANTASY TEAM THIS YEAR, YOU ASS)

Goku, Vegeta, Gohan and Piccolo

everyone involved with Arrested development and archer

the founder of Wawa

the first guy to do biscuits and gravy

whoever discovered all the cheeses

derek jeter

Kate upton

that kris humphries commercial where he says dope.

 Josh Homme and dave Grohl

Tony Bourdain

and of course, 2 CHAAAAINZ.

why so many, you ask? because we'll need all of them for the apocalypse thats coming on our side for reasons that should be obvious. whose getting hell sent, you ask?

curt schilling, easy

Curt schilling again

everyone involved with 2 and a half men

whoever let twilight get this big.

Aquaman

Lil Wayne

Tiki Barber

Guy fieri

youtube comment war starters

everyone on glee

coldplay

whoever greenlit the rock climbing commercial where the girl won't shut up.

10. i'll be pope for a while

we need a hot young candidate for pope so we don;t have to keep switching this ish up every 8 years, its not the president, its the pope, we need a guy whose adaptable, who will be in favor of giving his body to science to roboticize for later use o I can be the first pope with a robot arm cannon, built in space suit and the ability to fly and colonize space for future generations. these are the things we need from our Pope. so vote right, catholics ( I dunno, do each of you get a vote? I feel like you should) and vote gecko for Pope in 2013.