HURRDURR or why godaddy thinks I'm an idiot bonus! tv breakdown

if you've read the esteemed gecko gazette (that is, this website, no one under 90 reads newspapers except for crosswords and bridge stuff, nor is it a more esteemed blog because thats the funniest thing ever, blogs with esteem). then you know that I watch a little more tv than the average joe. as I type this sentence, I'm watching tony bourdain go through spain and eat food that I would sell my family into white slavery for. so more often than not, I watch commercials. I've grown to love certain commercials and loathe certain commericals, so thats what we're doing today, breaking down commercials. I am doing this entirely randomly, as I am watching tv, I'll wait for a commerical to come on as we speak, its a semi-live blog. standard 1-10 format, based on how funny/clever they are, how insulting (or lack thereof) they are. do note, I'm trying to avoid info
mercials and ads for a channel or show, its pure commerical 30 second spots here also, I'll be telling you whats on at this hour. why you ask? My wisdom tooth is growing and I can't sleep and this episode of justified isn't loading online, and I'll be damned if I don't get enjoyment out of life.

2:51 AM, spike tv, between manswers: taco bell ad with asif manvi from the daily show. 99 cent crunchwraps? shit, Bin ladens zombie could be selling that while raping my mother and i'd give that ad a 10, thats all I need to know. crunch wraps are the bombs mom. 10/10 for you taco bell! FLIP!

2:53: bourdains still in spain, eating grilled chorizo. I am now hungry for chorizo AKA the sausage king (the sausage king is totally my porn name), CHANNEL FLIP. 8/10 for that

2:55: food network is doing food network challenge, and the challenge is...bake a cake thatsa romance novel cover? 2/10, LONELINESS EARNS NO POINTS HERE, TWILIGHT FANS AND CAT LADIES. eating a cake that looks like a romance book cover is the lonliest activity known to man. period.

2:58: sportscenter top 10. I've always wondered what the true A-team of sportcenter is. is it the two people who do the 9 to noon sportscenter? is it the 6 to 7 PM guys? is it the dudes who do the 1 AM sportscenter that airs roughly 900 times a day?  sportcenter power dynamics are fascinating, also, sportscenter power dynamics is my indie band name. sportcenter gets a 8/10, I watch too much of it.

3:05: food networks got unwrapped and the immortal mark summers. Mark summers, for those not in the know, is THE MAN. he hosted double dare on nickelodeon in the 90's, and has the worlds most wonderful voice, he pauses at the best times...in the world. he adds so much drama to otherwise boring situations. Motherfucker made history IQ interesting, I should know, I'm the only person who has ever watched history IQ.Heres a picture of Marc summers

Marc Summers....is going to have to dare you to be as cool as him? pass? DOUBLE DARE'D BITCH

apropos (vocab 5 Van Der Beek!)

thanks VDB! anyway, apropos of nothing, am I the only one who remembers double dare 2000? the show that was trying to be double dare, only the host was a total tool? I bet that guy totally went home and iced people, or whatever the 2000 equivalent of icing was, I dunno, I'll say it was probably circle jerking. that guy was the picasso of bukkake, (mental note: Picassos of bukkake is another good indie band name), except he would get picassokakked, not give out. but taken, all over his chest and face, I bet that guy always lost at toast and was happier for it, but only to prove how ungay he was, He's a classic closet douche and I wish that at whatever waffle house he works at now he gets fired from for hosting double dare 2000, shit, I could and will do a ranking of the nick game shows of the 90's, thank god for later editing, gang! anyway, back to unwrapped rating.

 its a  9/10, only because the people on unwrapped have the dumbest titles ever. I'll wait for it, don't worry

3:12: Ice Cream historian! dingdingdingding!

3:20: Pep boys ad! I love pep boys ads because they are simple, no singing animals. though those 3 dudes do look straight creepin though, I'm certain

the pep boys in their natural habitat.

I think a half hour of this gag works, so let me get to my point. the godaddy ads are fucking.terrible. oooh! this one is over the top! go online to see the UNRATED CONTENT! spoilers! theres no tits! and even if there is, who cares? its on the internet, tits are more common on the internet than  funny cats and pictures of dogs, does godaddy live on the mormon internet where there is no tits and dogs (just kidding! Mormon people don't trust the internet), and thus, promising naked tit-tays is a great way to boost pageviews? does anyone know what godaddy even SELLS? I'm baffled, but I'm certain its not porn. does Godaddy think that bu promising some naked tits, that people will flock to their website? do they think us fellas are really that dumb? I mean, sheeeet, I've seen beer ads during a football game with a better message to their male audience than that. christ, I hate advertising, ever since Don Draper left, its just not the same.

the golden geckos for the 2009-10 tv season

TV is easily the top dog of the entertainment industry right now. Fuck, I saw a trailer for an Ashton Kutcher/Katharine Heigl romantic comedy the other day, and I wanted to run down an orphan with a compactor. I have stated all movies fall into a sort of sub category of action-y summer movie, shitty romcoms, and Oscar bait, and TV is were all the creative minds of Hollywood decide to hang out. And since TV has now officially taken a break for the summer, I feel hollow and empty inside. Sort of like how I leave your girlfriend in your bed.

So, without further ado, I am giving out the prestigious Golden Gecko. Why is this award so highly regarded? Like your absentee father, my respect is hard to come by. Unlike your absentee father, I won't drive you to a life of stripping, drugs and slutty hook-ups (Samantha).

So we got a variety of things we'll give out awards for: Best Drama, Best Comedy, Best New Show, Best Network, as well as Worst Network and Worst New Show, and Best Actor in comedy and drama.

(note that has to be made: these aren't the fucking Emmys, which tend to reward what they liked for the past few years and/or shows that are ending; this is primarily what I felt had a good year and what deserves to be recognized):

Best Comedy: Archer

Great, great year for comedy. With the newcomers like Community and Modern Family, solid showing from always-excellent shows like 30 Rock and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and even a good show or two in traditional sitcomopolis with How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. However, if you pick anything other than Archer, you're doing it wrong. I judge comedy on a rather simple thing: How many times can I use its funny quotes with them still being funny? and Archer is the king of that. Archer didn't have a bad episode in 10 this season, and each episode had at least 3 kickass quotes in it.

What is Archer, you ask? Quite simply: its a spy comedy. To describe it better, its the funniest fucking show on TV right now, which is amazing since its on a super strong network (FX is probably the best network in terms of content right now) with great competiton in It's Always Sunny and The League, and now Louie, but even still Archer was the funniest show of the year.

Best comedy actor: Charlie Day

Comedy is always were the Emmys fuck up. Really, Two and a Half Men is funny now? The puppet faced weirdo is funny? Fuck them, the funniest guy on TV, bar none, is Charlie Day. For those who watch Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie Day is the guy who plays Charlie Kelly, easily the funniest character on Always Sunny. Allow me to put it this way: I judge comedy in two ways, the above-mentioned quotableness, and delivery. Charlie Day's delivery is fucking fantastic. Go watch any scene where he is fighting with any of the cast of Always Sunny, and its impecable. Go watch the "kitten mittons" scene, if you need to be convinced. His face, his voice, his fucking everything is fucking DELIGHTFUL (Joke here about how you're totally fucking gay for this bastard?--Love, Vicky) to watch since its so over the top ridiculous, any time he fucking talks I just lose it, it is a joy to watch someone who is this funny and-- ignored by the dogfisters at the Emmys? Really? Glee is funny? Glee isn't any good, its a musical without original music and half the people sound auto-tuned as shit. Charlie Day makes me squeal with gayness and mirth, whether he's stalking the waitress, dressed as green man, or pitching mittons for cats, he's a god damn FORCE on Always Sunny, and I'm recognizing, I got your back Charlie.

Best Drama: Dexter

A very, very good year for drama: Mad Men living up to its usual excellent standards, Lost having a fantasic, confusing, wonderful final season, The Pacific was a harrowing depiction of war, and newcomer Treme living up to hype as "the new Wire", but all of them pale in comparison to Dexter. Dexter's 4th season was a maze of emotions, from high to low, and while it wavered just a smidgeon at the beginning, the last 3rd of the season was emotional as all hell. All this was lead up to one of the few finales this year where I jumped up at my screen and yelled "THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN, THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE DOING THAT". A drama is only as good as its twists and turns, and Dexter had them in bunches. The identity of Trinity at first, then is He alone, a lone wolf? No, no he's not, he has a family! and Dexter, our protagonist grows close to them, how could he? He has to study Trinity and find out how he keeps it a secret, and that's as much as I am willing to spoil. Excellently narrated and acted by Michael C. Hall, and easily the best guest actor this year (Jon Lithgow, who legitimately gave me goosebumps at points this year playing Trinity). I have been eagerly anticipating season 5 since season 4 ended, and that is the sign of great drama, you need to know what happens next.

Best Actor: Jon Hamm

Jon Hamm is the biggest boss you've seen thus far. He plays every aspect of Don Draper, were most actors would play Draper as a mysterious, dickish sort, you see every layer of Don with Jon Hamm, his strength, his weakness, the mysterious past, and yes, the great ad man. Jon Hamm gets plenty of love for pulling off D-drapes, and he will continue with a win in the Best Drama Actor category. Season 3 had Don pulled around by a crazy old man, lose his woman to a slimy politician, bang a teacher, become a father to baby Gene, school some Italian douchebags, and at the end, you could see in his eyes "I will build this new agency to great heights, we will be a goddamned force of nature, and no one will stop me". Don is a bad motherfucker who kicks ass, takes names and fingerbangs who he pleases (literally).

Best New Show: Community

Why does Community get the nod over Archer? Becauseause I already blew Archer up there, so now it's time to suck Community off. Community is the best show on network tv now that Lost is gone, and wow, what a first season. Each character developed without dragging too much, the jokes were crisp and funny, and it managed to play at your emotions without losing the funny, a vital part of comedy. Joel McHale is the ideal leading man, he's got good comedic chops, good improv skills, he's (I'll admit it) attractive and just enough of a douche to make you laugh. Danny Pudi is one of the best comedic characters to come onto network tv in years, and with enough of a running plot to keep you enticed, though each episode stands alone as good solid comedy. Truly astounding since most network comedies treat the viewer as a slack-jawed idiot . CBS is particularly guilty of this, though they make How I Met Your Mother, which is particularly excellent.

Best Network: FX

Its astounding (This is like the fourtieth time you've used the word "astounding", you prat) really, that FX is owned by Fox. Fox is easily the worst of the 4 big networks, relying on American Idol and Family Guy to drive me into a rage (and bring in the ratings), and having one decent show (Bones) to save it from being a joke of a network. But FX is the best network around right now. You've got Sons of Anarchy, which features copious amounts of motorcycle badassery and justified for your law enforcment asskickery. Comedy, though, is where FX flexes its muscles, with Archer, Always Sunny and The League, not to mention Louie. FX just churns out good programming all the time, its amazing that those pigfuckers who run TV aren't fucking it up. Actually, speaking of pigfuckers...

Worst Network: NBC

And this one is by a country mile. I thought it'd take a mouthbreathing cumswiller the likes of which we haven't seen since the last Daughtry album to top the idiocy CBS spurts out (I'm looking at you, Two and a Half Men and the 100 crime shows you have on, plus Rules of Engagement and Gary Unmarried) but WOW. NBC is run by easily the dumbest people on earth. Am I saying this solely out of vengeance for my man Conan O'Brian? Partially, yes, since they basically set Conan up to fail, then said "We no know how Conan fail!!" I can tell you, NBC. Its because you stuck the unfunny car fister in front of him, causing everyone to be instantly pissed off. Then you decide to yank weaselfucker's show (a smart move) and decide that 7 months is enough, and treat Conan like he is garbage. I hope your children are cursed with infertility and birth defects. Then you decide "Hey, Parks and Rec was really solid, you know what we should do for our 2010-11 season? make it a midseason replacement and break up the best 2 hour block on tv (the Thursday night comedy block, the only thing saving NBC). Top that with LOSING money on the olympics, having no real sports on it, exclusively built up on the reputation of a "bastion of good tv" (a lie, since none of their dramas have really panned out) and take away the Thursday block, and their comedy is atrocious. Heroes turned into a massive pile of plotholes and shit midway through season 3 when 4 characters (Claire, Hiro, Peter and Sylar) became massively overpowered, and none of their other dramas have even came close to panning out. NBC is a disgrace, and its worse than the CW, and only teenage girls (and me when Gossip Girl (aka the Blake Lively Sexy Titty Hour) comes on) watch that shit.

Music that sucks and music that stomps ass

85 percent of music produced today is god awful shit, its Miley cyrus, whose only use is as tasty jailbait. or its those fucking Jonas Brothers, sorry Jo Bros, your not rock stars, I don't think McJagger has pledged abstinence and been on the cover of good housekeeping, you know who does that? thats right, the gays do, and everyone knows gays can't be rock stars, unless they're elton john. those two acts, Miley and the Jonases, are even pop, ready?

BAM! New Paragraph, I am edgy.

don't even get me started on the shit that is passed off as rock. Good charlotte? Good charlotte is so horrible I would rather get in the ring with ivan drago covered in american things than listen to their shit. Linkin Park? Linkin parks sole achievement is what i've done, and thats only because it ends motherfucking transformers 1, you ever hear a linkin park song that doesn't make you want to go down to the nearest hot topic and want to bludgeon faggoty teenage boys with a sock full of nickels, you haven't heard Linkin park music. Green Day you say? I would personally shove Billie Joe bitchtits into a wood chipper feet first for producing american idiot and their new, even gayer album "we touch young boys". what about fallout boy? if your most famous member of your band is your bassist, your not a rock band, sorry. and Pete Wentz married Ashlee "holy fuck, your dogs shit has more talent than me, and your dogs shits dad doesn't want to bang your sister" simpson, and presumably his balls are so deep in her purse, maddonas got them now. Point is: Rock is dying, and if weren't for the following groups of heroes, it would be dead already

BANDS THAT TOTALLY STOMP ASS:

1. Queens of the Stone Age

See the Josh Homme article for Queens of the stone Age and Eagles of death metal, because anymore writing about Josh Homme and I am certain to be branded a homosexual for Josh Homme, and this is simply not true, rather, I respect the man as a singer, guitarist, keyboardist, drummer, and as being an all around badass

2. Muse

Muse is bitchin good, friends, they have a good style, which is simply show up, smash your face with rock, and leave to go pork their british bitches. People say Muse tries too hard to be radiohead, these people can suck the hair right off my nuts, because they are wrong, Muse takes their sound and facefucks radiohead into submission, radiohead is a bunch of pussies, rolling stone tries to state "every college kid knows they are the most important band of their generation".replace radiohead with queens of the stone age, and important with Tit rockingest, and this statement is true. Muse on the other hand, totally smashes ass and makes Me happy to know british music is still kicking ass and raping nice tits.

3.Mastodon

quite simply, Mastodon is the most world destroying, anus ruining, face metal band ever to be born in the past 20 years, since Metallica started mailing it in. for one: they roll with Josh Homme, so they by default do drugs, punt hippies into the grand canyon, and deflower your sister. not only that, but Mastodon has fought system of a down (remember kids: if your rocking politically, your rocking douchily, and thus, not really rocking, just being a douche), they wrote easily the best album of 2009 so far, crack the skye. Crack the skye is so monumentally good, so transcendendly excellent, those who lose will literally begin to sob tears of fail and suck all over the place, wishing to be awesome enough to be able to listen to Mastodon without hating themselves. Crack the skye has fucking everything, here, let me post the description of it:

BAM!


The album follows a quadriplegic who learned to astrally project and on his journey he flew too close to the sun, burning his umbilical cord which connected him to his body and he flew into oblivion. At the same time in Czarist Russia Rasputin and his cult were channeling spirits and brought the quadriplegic to their time. He explains his situation and foretells the assassination of Rasputin. Inevitably Rasputin is assassinated and Rasputin guides him back to his body."

tell me what about that group of words doesn't totally make you want to rock, its as metal as can be, and i love it.

there you go, Music that doesn't suck, Oh I forgot a few bands:

Kings of Leon, Tokyo Police club, the fratellis, the Kaiser chiefs, the Sword are all lofty as well, give em a listen fellow readers (all 6 of you)