a variety of encycbropedia brotannica entriettes

I know I know "Kwanzaa Gecko, since you took a siesta, my life has lacked meaning, a communist bro moved in next door and he hates michael bay, what do I do to prevent myself from finishing my pathetic existance?" oh simple, Brian, I got some brand spanking new ENYCBROPEDIA BROTANNICA entries, fresh off the presses!

Brotein:

Brotein is a noun, and it is what all bros need to survive, without absorbing enough brotein in the day, a bros hair will turn normal, his skin to a color that doesn't resemble fruit, he will become a functional member of society, he will also change his name from chad to something that doesn't give me an urge to poison his food so his kidneys shut down. where can brotein be found you ask? well, little child, it is hard. Brotein can be absorbed in the scalp (Hairgel and other bros semen is a common way to get brotein from the head to the brain, which is bathing in douche juice) or brotein is the secret ingredient in monster energy drinks, it can also be found in natty beer and in 90 percent of the food in boston and Los angeles. a regular cool cat, after absorbing enough brotein, turns into a bro. Brotein is also the main scent in axe body spray.

Broasting:

Broasting is the main way bros prefer their food prepared (note I say prepared, as bros are too stupid to cook without setting themselves or their cornholing buddies into shishkabrobs, which is a group of grilled bros impaled on a stake). Broasting a food takes out all the happiness, joy and tastiness in it, similar to a process done when you go to a vegitarian resturant and order chilli, and instead replaces it with lose, sadness and the tears of children, all of which taste vaguely like unwashed buttcheeks, i mean, have you ever had a veggie burger? holy shit on toast, that is just pure sadness in food form, it doesn't even taste like anything but ground up veggies in a patty, its fucking rabbit food and it disgusts me as a red-blooded hetero american male that we allow this injustice, these fuckers deserve to all go suffer through leprosy of the anus. anyway, broasting is vile, and all the food tastes like pure shit when it is broasted.

Brophecy:

a Brophecy is a prediction made by a bro wizard, which sadly I need to think of a clever term for. unlike regular prophechies, which usually involve epic ninjas fighting and a 600 percent chance of big tits raining from the sky while Josh Homme porks your Mom and viking metal playing with at least 200 fires and 300 bolts of lightning raining down, a Brophecy is totally gay. think of the gayest thing you've ever heard, maybe someone goes on a rant about how you duel a friend and take out the clip of the gun, maybe its a fire tornado fighting a hurricane, maybe its just accidentally listening to hardcore french fisting gay porn, and times it by 9000, you have what happens in a brophecy, let me demonstrate:

Bro 1: Oh great wise Bro Chad

Chad: sup brah, you want some brotein shakes? we can sit back and listen to jack johnson brah, what do you want? I have to go yell at my girlfriend for being too feminine for Me, Brah.

Bro 1: How much Natty can I consume at the bro faila losa cookout tonight?

Chad: 20 brah, lest you drink too much and die brah.

there, thats a brophecy.

Brohio:

Brohio is the eden of bros, where all bros come from, where bro adam and chad first hung out and got their bro on. the capital of brohio is new brorleans (pronounced brohr-leans), and among its provinces are aribrona (home of douchey southern bros), Broklahoma (weirdo western bros who dress like cowboys) Bronnecticut (WASP bros who all go to HAWLY FACKIN CRAWS) and Bronolulu (really western sufer bros who do ecstasy, the douchiest and most useless of all drugs). each province has its own uniqueness, which I will go into in a later entry. All Bros eventually make the Pilgrimage back to Brohio and have a brong there which can last for an eternity.

since summer is ending, I'd like to say something poignant/gay:

thanks to funk, K-man, chris, rob (HI ROB!), Poop AKA Bwoody knuckwes, Syd, and My brother for giving me a summer for the ages, and good luck next year in school readers conor and anyone I forgot, sorry, but remember one thing: all 7 of my readers, you're balling

oh, I also tweet lemme get that URL, don't change the site! no don't go to facebook!

ah here it is http://twitter.com/kwanzaagecko

Vegans suck, here's why!

very few things make my blood boil like the sight of a vegan. whats a Vegan? a Vegans like a Vegitarian (who i have no problems with, I know lots of ballin vegitarians) but with a whole lotta self importance clogging his ass. a Vegan will not eat ANYTHING to do with animals, including milk, cheese, honey and the prized bulls urine of uzbekistan, on the basis that humans should not eat eat for ethical reasons. um, hello? we're omnivores, dawg. we eat FUCKING EVERYTHING, from Meat to veggies, and both are necessities for your diet to be healthy and well rounded. and if a vegan cares so much about the emotions and feelings of the animals they eat, why do not feel for the countless tiny animals killed by wheat threshers, seed drills, and other farming technology, after all, those are animals too, after all.

the point is 99 percent of vegans are hypocrites who believe, quite simply, man is designed to do something he simply isn't, live without meat. and besides, what is considered vegan delicacy? leaves? Eggplant? those are side dishes, have you ever bitten into good steak and not been like "this is fucking delicious, how do people give up meat?" I do all the time, meat is, for lack of a better word, the orgasm of foods. here, lets rate meat kids on a scale of 1 to 5

Beef: 10/5

you ever meet bad beef? no, you know why? no such thing. Beef is tasty any way,, any cut, any slice of beef you get, it 100 percent guaranteed to be fucking delicious, ground of not, fuck, you ever have a cheeseburger? motherfucker, I could eat 10 of those goddamn things like they were nothing. and beef also has the kings of meat on its side: the t-bone steak, porterhouse and filet fucking mignon, which are the only french words that don't mean surrender.

pork: 10000000/5:

Pork mainly goes this high because of two simple words: ba-con, thats right bitch, the king of food, period. Bacon, I'd use all of Jim Gaffigan bacon rant here, but that would be insulting, so I will simply quote a wise friend of mine " Bacon is the meat form of candy" Bacon is simply perfect, facon does not do it justice, nor do turkey or chicken bacon, but shit, bacons like Gemma atkinson humping scarlett Johannson while Queens of the stone age plays in the background, all set to an american flag background and with at least 30 explosions, and then multiply by over 9000, your good. also, pork has sweet and sour pork, and tasty tasty pork roll aka taylor ham, which is dandy for breakfest.

chicken: 4/5


chicken is solid, if unspectacular, its a safe bet at resturants, makes such decadent treats as fried chicken, general tso's chicken and buffalo chicken. on the downside, chicken can be messed up, not like beef or pork, chicken divan is a prime example of this, broccoli and a strange sauce? no thanks hank, on the other hand, when done right, suck as chicken parmesean, chicken teriyaki and chicken fajitas, chicken rivals beef and pork for sheer amazingness, but when failed, chicken is bro levels of fail, because how can you ruin something so damned delicious and perfect and wonderful?

if your a boy and ride quad, your a douche and how to be a kickass parent

I am hanging out in my backyard today, reading a nice book (Men with Balls by Drew Magary, if you must know) when out of nowhere, ZOOM! some little fuck drives behind My house with a quad. whats a quad? its an ATV, an all terrain vehicle, used by people like i presume park rangers and mountain riders. but if you are a guy under 16 and own a quad and live in suburbia, congrats! your a bro in the making. no vehicle is more inherently useless and shitty than a quad in suburbia, bike that route, bro. normally, I am not an environmental advocate, but for fucks sake, do you not see why we have a gas problem? because dipshit parents who can't raise their kids as kids, and try to make them their best friends, give their little dipshits whatever they want, and have to buy gas to fill up little johnnys useless fucking death device, thus driving the price of gas up for fuckers who need cars, just so you, a dipshit raising a littler dipshit, can make sure your kid likes you. I Guarantee you, my kid will not like me, I will not cave on his every demand or cater to his every whim, allow me to show you a glimpse into the future, bitches.

Kwanzaa gecklet : Dad, can I have-

Kwanzaa gecko : No

Kwanzaa Gecklet: But Dad I-

Kwanzaa gecko: is it your birthday?

Kwanzaa gecklet: No but-

Kwanzaa gecko: is it christmas?

Kwanzaa gecklet : No But timmy at school

Kwanzaa gecko : Listen son, timmy at school is a spoiled bitch, and when he finally has to sit down and start earning shit, that little fuck will be up a shit creek without toilet paper, eventually spiraling downward into a crack addicted skinny weirdo who smells vaguely like gorgonzolla cheese and turns tricks for fat businessmen, inevitably dying a young death of whom no one will remember or care. Now do you want that? do you want to be addicted to crack?

Kwanzaa gecklet : I wanna move in with timmy!

Kwanzaa gecko : go right ahead, saves me a call to the police when I know where you are, now one day, you will be happy I didn't give you everything you wanted, because it gives you a sense of entitlement. do you wanna end up a shitsucking brody jenner spencer pratt douchemaster of the known universe? no you don't, because if you do, you're outta the will, and you don't get my robot dinosaur and mastodon car, and I will choke you to death on your own self tanner.

Kwanzaa gecklet

END SCENE SUCKAS

Point is, if you give your kid a quad, and you live in fucking suburbia, where its a developed neighborhood, I hope your next child drinks gasoline and then burns himself from the inside out, you fuck of a parent

Music that sucks and music that stomps ass

85 percent of music produced today is god awful shit, its Miley cyrus, whose only use is as tasty jailbait. or its those fucking Jonas Brothers, sorry Jo Bros, your not rock stars, I don't think McJagger has pledged abstinence and been on the cover of good housekeeping, you know who does that? thats right, the gays do, and everyone knows gays can't be rock stars, unless they're elton john. those two acts, Miley and the Jonases, are even pop, ready?

BAM! New Paragraph, I am edgy.

don't even get me started on the shit that is passed off as rock. Good charlotte? Good charlotte is so horrible I would rather get in the ring with ivan drago covered in american things than listen to their shit. Linkin Park? Linkin parks sole achievement is what i've done, and thats only because it ends motherfucking transformers 1, you ever hear a linkin park song that doesn't make you want to go down to the nearest hot topic and want to bludgeon faggoty teenage boys with a sock full of nickels, you haven't heard Linkin park music. Green Day you say? I would personally shove Billie Joe bitchtits into a wood chipper feet first for producing american idiot and their new, even gayer album "we touch young boys". what about fallout boy? if your most famous member of your band is your bassist, your not a rock band, sorry. and Pete Wentz married Ashlee "holy fuck, your dogs shit has more talent than me, and your dogs shits dad doesn't want to bang your sister" simpson, and presumably his balls are so deep in her purse, maddonas got them now. Point is: Rock is dying, and if weren't for the following groups of heroes, it would be dead already

BANDS THAT TOTALLY STOMP ASS:

1. Queens of the Stone Age

See the Josh Homme article for Queens of the stone Age and Eagles of death metal, because anymore writing about Josh Homme and I am certain to be branded a homosexual for Josh Homme, and this is simply not true, rather, I respect the man as a singer, guitarist, keyboardist, drummer, and as being an all around badass

2. Muse

Muse is bitchin good, friends, they have a good style, which is simply show up, smash your face with rock, and leave to go pork their british bitches. People say Muse tries too hard to be radiohead, these people can suck the hair right off my nuts, because they are wrong, Muse takes their sound and facefucks radiohead into submission, radiohead is a bunch of pussies, rolling stone tries to state "every college kid knows they are the most important band of their generation".replace radiohead with queens of the stone age, and important with Tit rockingest, and this statement is true. Muse on the other hand, totally smashes ass and makes Me happy to know british music is still kicking ass and raping nice tits.

3.Mastodon

quite simply, Mastodon is the most world destroying, anus ruining, face metal band ever to be born in the past 20 years, since Metallica started mailing it in. for one: they roll with Josh Homme, so they by default do drugs, punt hippies into the grand canyon, and deflower your sister. not only that, but Mastodon has fought system of a down (remember kids: if your rocking politically, your rocking douchily, and thus, not really rocking, just being a douche), they wrote easily the best album of 2009 so far, crack the skye. Crack the skye is so monumentally good, so transcendendly excellent, those who lose will literally begin to sob tears of fail and suck all over the place, wishing to be awesome enough to be able to listen to Mastodon without hating themselves. Crack the skye has fucking everything, here, let me post the description of it:

BAM!


The album follows a quadriplegic who learned to astrally project and on his journey he flew too close to the sun, burning his umbilical cord which connected him to his body and he flew into oblivion. At the same time in Czarist Russia Rasputin and his cult were channeling spirits and brought the quadriplegic to their time. He explains his situation and foretells the assassination of Rasputin. Inevitably Rasputin is assassinated and Rasputin guides him back to his body."

tell me what about that group of words doesn't totally make you want to rock, its as metal as can be, and i love it.

there you go, Music that doesn't suck, Oh I forgot a few bands:

Kings of Leon, Tokyo Police club, the fratellis, the Kaiser chiefs, the Sword are all lofty as well, give em a listen fellow readers (all 6 of you)

Michael Bay: an Brief biography of a great american

No one is sure exactly when Michael bay was born, but many believe he was born on one of two days:

day 1)Michael bay was not born, he simply materialized out of Multiple explosions fully grown

day 2) Michael bay appeared on the day the first known win was created, also out of explosions

take of these what you will, but michael bay is also fucking awesome.

why is michael bay awesome? in order to meet the standard of kwanzaa gecko victoriousness for movies to be an action movie, you must have all of these things

1. explosions, often for no particular reason and people getting rocked

2. fighting, the more pointless and violent the better, extra points for fighting aliens, robots and space fights (any combo of the 3 works too)

3. beautiful girls running around in slow motion, for what seems pointless

and if you have seen transformers 1/2, you would know Michael bay has all 3 of these in spades.
the man directed and produced the single most american movie ever: Pearl harbor. Michael bay cares not what critics like roger ebert think of his movies, he only cares about 2 things: making the best fucking movies ever, and making lots of money, both of which he does so well.

god damn, is Michael Bay awesome, lets go through a typical day in the life of Bay

7:00 AM: Wake up

7:00 AM (2 seconds later): Michael bays bedroom has over 9000 badass explosions

7:15 AM: Michael Bay showers in art house faggy movies scripts, using the rolls of film, Michael bay does not appreciate movies that are pretentious and stupid.

7:45: Michael eats a breakfest consisting of bacon, home fries, eggs and tropicana orange juice, with a tasty everything bagel, he eats entirely in slow motion, with his yard exploding behind him

9:00: Michael bay watches all of his movies, having sex with every hot girl in these movies


3:00 PM: Michael bay controls time, he's done now, goes out, directs amazing movie with far too many explosions than can be considered safe

5:00 PM: Michael rides his space tiger over to chuck norris's house, fights him, wins

7:00 PM: Space tiger explodes, turning into a Hot girl who Michael Bay bones, new space tiger appears

10:30 PM: Michael bay, having exausted his supply of semen and explosions, falls asleep.

there you go, the life and times of one of americas greatest men, Michael Bay

7:45

the official Kwanzaa gecko commeration address to the class of 2009

Now simple blogulons, it is that time of year, the women are in bathing suits, tv is gone (NOOOO!), I am sunbathing naked outside with my flagpole flying the american flag proudly, the Barbeque is out, it is summer, and yes, summer does in fact, smash taint. and You, Yes you, High school seniors, are graduating, some of you might've already, at which point i extend a big tasty fuck you! to you, graduating in may? thats unnatural, summer goes from about flag day to labor day, oh yes, you mock us june school kids now "Ha Ha! I'm not in school and you are!" well while you are going through the first day of school in "holy fuck it is hot, My balls are sticking to my leg like flypaper and there is No air conditioning, what evil fuckdrinker made this happen?" I will be doing what I always do in august: turn my AC down to 50 degrees or so and have a snowball fight in my house while you cook like a fucking chicken in the oven. While we're on the subject of this, what the fuck do we celebrate on flag day? the flag? our flag, while Ball quiveringly wonderful, doesn't deserve its OWN day, as every day is flag day at Kwanzaa geckos house.

but anyway, lots of you crazy kids are graduating soon, and you'll be getting the valedictorian speech, all of which suck, so I will give you one better: MY speech for you graduating little bastards, broken down into tasty tiny mini burger sized points

1. College is fucking awesome, you can do whatever you want, I spent a good chunk of my free time in the library checking out the hot librarian and playing crossword puzzles last semester, and i still passed everything.

2. you don't HAVE to have your major chosen, shit, I'm studying history, you know what kicks ass about history? that shit has an end,its called today. and as a double win, I get to study fucking AMERICA!

3. Make friends, because otherwise you'll be a loser who spends his days at college in your dorm, trying to figure out how to make a lego dildo (take it from someone who has fucked a girl with a lego dildo, don't ruin valuable legos! you'll need them for your spaceship!)

4. technically, you can't bring your pet to college, so do what I do, say your blind,r un into shit for a few days, then have Mom air mail you your dog, its a win for everyone!

5.Look back on High school and laugh, because High school was pre-season shit, you get cows stuck in the 200's in college, your.shit.will.be.rocked, you best not fuck around, all the fuckups have been weeded out up to this point (unless your going to Junior/community college), so its just you and some poor souls who are shelling out 30 thousand washingtons a year to learn shit and turn your dorm into hell.

6. no matter what, your dormmate will hate everything you like, its part of the colleges "whacky odd couple" rule, eventually, you will bond over dish cleaning and have a cool montage at least once, where you bail him out of a tough jam, and he in turn, sells you out by roofieing your girlfriend and banging her in your bed.

7. be prepared for your masturabatory time to go down the shitter, you better find a good quiet place you can jerk off, or you will be fucked. (note: if your a girl, this one doesn't matter)

8. a good revenge for when your roomate roofies your girlfriend? eat barbeque and breakfest burritoes, and while he slumbers, fart in his face. bonus points if you do it without pants, and legendary hero status if its wet and comes in contact with his face.

there you go, tasty bite sized chunks of college life, remember, streaking across campus is only cool if your hot and female!

Why Josh Homme is a god of music

well bitches, its been two weeks, so I bet you're wondering "Kwanzaa Gecko, you are so handsome, virile, Masculine, Wonderful, you have such a great beard, are there any Men who you consider your equal" of course, now pay me the 20 and I will go "who then?" fuck off I say. "Are there any men who you consider better than you?" and I am forced to admit that Yes, there ARE Men out there who do rule more than myself, however few they are, and thus this inspires my new series of blog posts:

CHAMPIONS, WINNERS AND VICTORIOUS ONES.

now, what is the difference between these 3? simple, level of win

Winner is the lowest one, anyone can be a winner for having the occasional success. The Boston Red Sox, Eli Manning, George W Bush and the guys who write 1 hit wonders can all fall into these categories

Champion is the middle category, someone who has a level of success but isn't in that pantheon of awesome. The Beatles, The Florida Marlins, Peyton Manning, Sandy koufax and Joe Biden are all champions.

finally, we have Victorious ones, or simply, Masters of Victory. These brave Men women and groups have pioneered success to be damn near an art. these People could own multiple lacrosse sticks, drive only jeeps, have the worlds biggest collection of flat brimmed hats, have created Energy drinks, use the word Bro and Brah, and only smell like axe body spray (the official scent of Douchebags everywhere!) and these people would still rock so hard your sexual organs would literally combust by coming near them. I will profile a person of one of these 3 ilks and tell you what they are and why they are it and today, readers, we start off with a doozy.

Our Ginger Lord and Savior of Rock Music: Joshua Motherfucking Homme, or Just Josh Homme

Heres Homme eyeing up your hot 19 year old sister, He is going to pillage her.

Now you may be asking "Kwanzaa gecko! He's a Ginger! He's barely a person" but that is were you are wrong. While yes, Ginger Men for the most part are about as sexy as herpes covered Genital warts, Josh Homme destroys this for one very very good reason: He's a viking. descending from Norway, the cradle of viking civilization, and coincidentally, the cradle of victory. a Viking mainly fed on pillage, rape and Plunder, making him among the first of these new breed of victory Master. Homme obviously descends from these awe inspiring murder masters, but instea do going and around and killing, Homme is arguably the best rocker alive, having formed the greatest band currently function on this planet and in any alternate universe, Queens of the Stone Age.

why does Queens of the stone age rock? Josh Home is in it, so theres that. 100 percent of their songs are about sex fighting and drinking/drugs, which is what real rock and roll is. and finally, they are freakishly talented, and easily the best band on earth. Homme is the straw that stirs the drink, He is a respectable Ginger Male (no easy task) giant, with a sex drive like a bull elephant in mating season, he is a badass in every way, his alternate name on his album? carlo von sexron. what.a.victory master. He described Queens upcoming album as "a desert orgy after dark" He wins so hard its ridiculous.

there, done, happy?