well this year didn't blow total nuts, so heres what I want next year
Lebron James and Brett favre to both be stricken dead by a meteor strike
an eagles super bowl championship, please god, let me have that one
all of the movies i am looking forward to including but not limited to: sucker Punch, Thor, transformers 3, captain america and the hangover 2, for these movies not to lick massive taint.
the strokes to make a new album, seriously bros, anyone to make a new album, do you know how many albums I downloaded "perfectly legally" and "paid for?" this year? literally "dozens", and all of it was old stuff, seriously, the strokes, them crooked vultures, album up
community not to get cancelled, please, consequently, everyone on the big bang theory to simultaneously contract leprosy.
true grit to win the oscar for best picture, because that movie was an ass stomping symphony.
Archer to remain so sublimely kickass and have at least 7 quotable lines per episode.
Me to remember when modern family is on
conans new show to last more than 7 months
oh fuck! forgot the green latern, that better not suck also.
anyone who owns an iMac to shut up about it, its fucking.useless
bulletstorm to be as epic as it looks.
if community does get cancelled, to have joel mchale be the new michael on the office.
portal 2 better not suck too
for tv to keep rocking hardcore.
for these dominos ads to stop sucking
foir the five guys to open up double fast.
for Me to enjoy my health and my friends and all that good shit. lets all have a great 2011.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
a letter to teenage girls
dear teenage girls:
Hey, its me, kwanzaa gecko. no, not THAT one, I'm not in a boy band and I'm not on TV, so you probably won't listen to Me, but I have an important message for you.
your not getting treated equally by your parents, teachers, or anyone older than you, so stop fucking trying.
oh sure, tv tells you otherwise, that your parents genuinely give two shits about what you want for dinner, or that you have a say in familial issues. if your parents are doing either of these, here
see her? she's a stripper. DAS WERE YOU GOIN, HOMES.
I know what your saying "Gecko, your not right, My mom and dad are my friends" yeah well, guess what? then your gonna be a stripper or a ho, either or. Parents who tell your friends to call them their first name, take you and your friends shopping all the time, and try to act like their 16 too. if your a parent like that, your a horrible person, and I want you to stop reading now. why? because its obvious your already too stupid to function. OOOH SNAP! YOU'VE JUST ENTERED...
TIERRA DEL FUEGO!
Listen, I don't have anything against strippers, but christ, american parents, its not OUR job to make the strippers. strippers are like good vodka or communist ideals, they're best imported from russia, not unlike blog hero Mikhail prokhorov. russian girls need stripping more than american girls, after all, if your stupid and american, you usually just end up on a reality show or married to some fuckweed limpdick lawyer whose cheating on you with some equally useless human being. the immortal chris rock says as a dad, your job is to keep your daughter off the pole, and this 100 percent true. if your daughters a stripper, you should be branded with a "I suck at every facet of parenting, don't take my advice at all, ok? thank you, I'll just be here whacking off to my lesbian dog porn and sniffing my own feet".
anyway teenage girls, please stop treating your parents like shit "Ohmygod! you don't understand, gecko, they don't let me do whatever I want" yeah, no shit, thats cause thats great parenting. if they did that, you'd end up like poor destiny up there, grinding for creepy old men and talking about how you want to one day open up a make up counter at the mall and meet mister right. guess where mister right doesn't go? strip clubs. anyway, my point here is if you expect your folks to just let you do whatever and treat you like an equal, enjoy a life of disappointment and dickbreath.
Happy veterans day, and god bless this beautiful country:
Kwanzaa Gecko AKA Kwan-gizzle AKA the Big KG AKA gecksy AKA your future stepdad.
Hey, its me, kwanzaa gecko. no, not THAT one, I'm not in a boy band and I'm not on TV, so you probably won't listen to Me, but I have an important message for you.
your not getting treated equally by your parents, teachers, or anyone older than you, so stop fucking trying.
oh sure, tv tells you otherwise, that your parents genuinely give two shits about what you want for dinner, or that you have a say in familial issues. if your parents are doing either of these, here
see her? she's a stripper. DAS WERE YOU GOIN, HOMES.
I know what your saying "Gecko, your not right, My mom and dad are my friends" yeah well, guess what? then your gonna be a stripper or a ho, either or. Parents who tell your friends to call them their first name, take you and your friends shopping all the time, and try to act like their 16 too. if your a parent like that, your a horrible person, and I want you to stop reading now. why? because its obvious your already too stupid to function. OOOH SNAP! YOU'VE JUST ENTERED...
TIERRA DEL FUEGO!
Listen, I don't have anything against strippers, but christ, american parents, its not OUR job to make the strippers. strippers are like good vodka or communist ideals, they're best imported from russia, not unlike blog hero Mikhail prokhorov. russian girls need stripping more than american girls, after all, if your stupid and american, you usually just end up on a reality show or married to some fuckweed limpdick lawyer whose cheating on you with some equally useless human being. the immortal chris rock says as a dad, your job is to keep your daughter off the pole, and this 100 percent true. if your daughters a stripper, you should be branded with a "I suck at every facet of parenting, don't take my advice at all, ok? thank you, I'll just be here whacking off to my lesbian dog porn and sniffing my own feet".
anyway teenage girls, please stop treating your parents like shit "Ohmygod! you don't understand, gecko, they don't let me do whatever I want" yeah, no shit, thats cause thats great parenting. if they did that, you'd end up like poor destiny up there, grinding for creepy old men and talking about how you want to one day open up a make up counter at the mall and meet mister right. guess where mister right doesn't go? strip clubs. anyway, my point here is if you expect your folks to just let you do whatever and treat you like an equal, enjoy a life of disappointment and dickbreath.
Happy veterans day, and god bless this beautiful country:
Kwanzaa Gecko AKA Kwan-gizzle AKA the Big KG AKA gecksy AKA your future stepdad.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
why sucker punch already looks like the best movie ever made
"Sacriledge! everyone whose read this blog knows gecks' favorite movies are transformers 1 and 2!" they say. "its not artsy or cool, my hipster friends say it looks plebian and pedantic" they say "this movie looks like shit" they say. I speak of course of the coolest looking fucking move ever made, and the fucker isn't even out yet. I speak of Sucker Punch. go on, watch this trailer. I got time to kill.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSIetIg7O3M
ok, you catch all that? you didn't? let me go down a quick list to tell you exactly what this movie has that makes me happy.
Jon Hamm playing a brothel owner
a samurai with a mini gun
dragons fighting bombers
random zeppelin crashing
girls fighting in sexy costumes with both sword and gun
Badass fight music
a girl in an insane asylum
sexy dance sequences in a whorehouse
zombie and robot killing
world war I trenches next to a castle
girls in schoolgirl costumes
jetpacks
time travel
AND THATS JUST IN THE TRAILER
\ok, I hear you "Gecko, this DOES sound like a badass movie, but who wrote it? who directed it? surely its gonna be fucked up by that guy, right?" fuck and no, it won't, because the director and writer of sucker punch is a topflight, no holds bar, balls to the wall badass. thats right, the only guy who can buy a house on the same floor as Michael Bay in my movie maker power tower, Zach snyder.
who is Zach Snyder, you ask? well, he's the guy who directed 300 and watchmen, two of the most balls to the wall face crushingly awesome movies ever, I mean, you saw the part in 300 were they make a wall of dead persians, right? or when Leonidas plowed his wife? or when they cut a persian dudes head off in slow motion? fuck and yes you do, because those parts of 300, along with most of the rest of it, were BAD FUCKING ASS. ok, Maybe you didn't see 300, I get it. Maybe you saw watchmen? with the badass opening title sequences, and the tits, and the guy getting his face scalded off with burning oil, or a a midget gangster getting murdered, or rohrshach killing 3 dudes in a bathroom without even using a gun or a weapon? or the part with the purple bat liger? or rohrshach murdering two dogs? yes you do, because watchmen was excellent, thats why. Zach Snyder knows what he's doing with movies, he's not gonna make you think, or force deep life questions on you, He's gonna stomp you in the nuts with awesome and then tongue punch your sisters baby box in slow motion. Here are Snyders words about the movie:
"On the other hand, though it's fetishistic and personal, I like to think that my fetishes aren't that obscure. Who doesn't want to see girls running down the trenches of World War One wreaking havoc? "
I can tell you who doesn't want to see that, FUCKING NO ONE.
the only flaw with sucker punch is its not out till goddamned march, which means I have to wait another 5 fucking months to see it. 2011 is going to be chock a block with kickass movies. Sucker Punch, Thor, Transformers 3 and captain america, plus the hangover 2 allegedly, who isn't fucking wet? go watch that trailer 100 more times and tell me your not excited to see sucker punch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSIetIg7O3M
ok, you catch all that? you didn't? let me go down a quick list to tell you exactly what this movie has that makes me happy.
Jon Hamm playing a brothel owner
a samurai with a mini gun
dragons fighting bombers
random zeppelin crashing
girls fighting in sexy costumes with both sword and gun
Badass fight music
a girl in an insane asylum
sexy dance sequences in a whorehouse
zombie and robot killing
world war I trenches next to a castle
girls in schoolgirl costumes
jetpacks
time travel
AND THATS JUST IN THE TRAILER
\ok, I hear you "Gecko, this DOES sound like a badass movie, but who wrote it? who directed it? surely its gonna be fucked up by that guy, right?" fuck and no, it won't, because the director and writer of sucker punch is a topflight, no holds bar, balls to the wall badass. thats right, the only guy who can buy a house on the same floor as Michael Bay in my movie maker power tower, Zach snyder.
who is Zach Snyder, you ask? well, he's the guy who directed 300 and watchmen, two of the most balls to the wall face crushingly awesome movies ever, I mean, you saw the part in 300 were they make a wall of dead persians, right? or when Leonidas plowed his wife? or when they cut a persian dudes head off in slow motion? fuck and yes you do, because those parts of 300, along with most of the rest of it, were BAD FUCKING ASS. ok, Maybe you didn't see 300, I get it. Maybe you saw watchmen? with the badass opening title sequences, and the tits, and the guy getting his face scalded off with burning oil, or a a midget gangster getting murdered, or rohrshach killing 3 dudes in a bathroom without even using a gun or a weapon? or the part with the purple bat liger? or rohrshach murdering two dogs? yes you do, because watchmen was excellent, thats why. Zach Snyder knows what he's doing with movies, he's not gonna make you think, or force deep life questions on you, He's gonna stomp you in the nuts with awesome and then tongue punch your sisters baby box in slow motion. Here are Snyders words about the movie:
"On the other hand, though it's fetishistic and personal, I like to think that my fetishes aren't that obscure. Who doesn't want to see girls running down the trenches of World War One wreaking havoc? "
I can tell you who doesn't want to see that, FUCKING NO ONE.
the only flaw with sucker punch is its not out till goddamned march, which means I have to wait another 5 fucking months to see it. 2011 is going to be chock a block with kickass movies. Sucker Punch, Thor, Transformers 3 and captain america, plus the hangover 2 allegedly, who isn't fucking wet? go watch that trailer 100 more times and tell me your not excited to see sucker punch.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
boring rich people and what I'd do with my fuck you money
ever notice how exceedingly boring rich people are? all they do is buy houses and cars, its never anything batshit or cool. so thats what this about, what would I do with an exceedingly large amount of money. How Much Money you ask? fuck you money, thats how much. I mean enough to make normal billionaires feel inadequate, enough to make your average rich fuck feel like he might as well be eating ramen noodles for the rest of his life. I am talking countrys gross domestic product money here, and not shitty african countries who make no money, I mean like fucking spain, a 3rd or 4th tier nation, a fucking enormous amount
(please note: all of this is after taxes, paying off mortages and what have you)
1. house with buckets of secret passageways and a moat with man eating crocodiles.
2. an M1A1 Abrahms tank to fuck with people/drive around.
3. my own entourage who are required to laugh at all my jokes
4. hot russian trophy wife, have her prenup it up.
5.a midget, to have him wrestle and do tricks for Me
6.a group of struggling actors to reenact return of the jedi, but ending instead with a violent ewok massacre. I'm pretty sure the guy who plays luke is avaliable anyway.
7.giant FUCKING cannon, I mean comically big, complete with 60 acre property to launch shit out of my cannon including but not limited to: couches, old tv's, bulky furniture, cases of propane and the entire cast of Glee.
8. weasle my way to be conan o briens first guest on his new show, be charming and awesome
9. start my own tv channel: GeckoTV. all we air is House, Bones, How I met your Mother, the office, 30 rock and old 90's cartoons, also, star wars weekends where we air the 6 movies.
10. buy small country, name myself supreme Jedi of the high council
11. not use so many star wars references
12. ok, one more, buy the rights to star wars and have episodes 1-3 remade to not suck, have it primarily feature Mace Windu, Obi-wan Kenobi, Yoda and Boba fett on a massive space pussy journey.
13. work on mind control technology so I can keep geckopolis under control
14. pay a band to follow Me around and play epic theme music behind Me, preferably duel of the fates (shit this is waaaay too many star wars references)
15. buy 2 and a half men from CBS and burn all possible copies of it in a fire, use mind control technology to wipe it from the face of the earth.
16.set off an EMP somewhere. just cause.
17. kill anyone who shops healthy at non healthy based fast food resturants.
18. conquer france, exile the french from it.
19. become famous, write my memoirs and go on oprah, promptly kick oprah in the tits and get a rousing cheer.
20. die fighting a bear in a giant explosion while in my pool orgy.
(please note: all of this is after taxes, paying off mortages and what have you)
1. house with buckets of secret passageways and a moat with man eating crocodiles.
2. an M1A1 Abrahms tank to fuck with people/drive around.
3. my own entourage who are required to laugh at all my jokes
4. hot russian trophy wife, have her prenup it up.
5.a midget, to have him wrestle and do tricks for Me
6.a group of struggling actors to reenact return of the jedi, but ending instead with a violent ewok massacre. I'm pretty sure the guy who plays luke is avaliable anyway.
7.giant FUCKING cannon, I mean comically big, complete with 60 acre property to launch shit out of my cannon including but not limited to: couches, old tv's, bulky furniture, cases of propane and the entire cast of Glee.
8. weasle my way to be conan o briens first guest on his new show, be charming and awesome
9. start my own tv channel: GeckoTV. all we air is House, Bones, How I met your Mother, the office, 30 rock and old 90's cartoons, also, star wars weekends where we air the 6 movies.
10. buy small country, name myself supreme Jedi of the high council
11. not use so many star wars references
12. ok, one more, buy the rights to star wars and have episodes 1-3 remade to not suck, have it primarily feature Mace Windu, Obi-wan Kenobi, Yoda and Boba fett on a massive space pussy journey.
13. work on mind control technology so I can keep geckopolis under control
14. pay a band to follow Me around and play epic theme music behind Me, preferably duel of the fates (shit this is waaaay too many star wars references)
15. buy 2 and a half men from CBS and burn all possible copies of it in a fire, use mind control technology to wipe it from the face of the earth.
16.set off an EMP somewhere. just cause.
17. kill anyone who shops healthy at non healthy based fast food resturants.
18. conquer france, exile the french from it.
19. become famous, write my memoirs and go on oprah, promptly kick oprah in the tits and get a rousing cheer.
20. die fighting a bear in a giant explosion while in my pool orgy.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Heaven stats
a favorite writer of Mine is Drew Magary, because he is awesome and funny and writes about stuff that I consider vital. in a mailbag of his, he talks about something i believe is extremely vital. Heaven stats. what are heaven stats? it is like your statistics of life, of stuff you'd NEVER keep track of, but always wondered. How many women would've had sex with Me? How many poops did i take? so I figured to take this idea and run with it, so here are all the vital things I need to know the moment i get to heaven, broken down by category.
sex!
amount of times I had sex
amount of orgasms
biggest orgasm
amount of women who would have had sex with Me if I had asked
record for most masturbations and sexings in a day
where you rank among all of these among all people in heaven, I'd like to know where I rank in the skin flute virtuosos hall of fame, top 10 percent? top 5? top 20?
best orgasm
fastest orgasm (in time AND Pumps)
bodily functions!
amount of poop/pee/vomit produced
biggest dump
smelliest dump
most amount peed out in one go
if said pee could have overflowed a modern toilet on pure amount of liquid, if not how close did it come?
once again, where do I rank?
my rate of floaters to sinkers
most normal colored peed out
fastest/slowest dump and piss
random stuff
heaviest object lifted, both solo and team, for team, how much of the object you yourself lifted.
article of clothing most worn
pair of shoes that lasted the longest
activity you spent the most of your time doing
room you spent the most time in
longest time slept
amount of drugs both legal and illegal taken
amount of alcohol drank
most commonly eaten food
most commonly dranken drink
amount of beard grown in yards
loudest fart
smelliest fart
amount of farts laid
percent of time doing stuff (sleeping, showering, working et cetera)
nicest beard/mustashe you grew
there you go, a short list of stuff i need to know once I get to heaven, and more importantly, I actually finished a blog entry for the first time in like, months. god that feels good, I am going to go make out with myself, should have another one out sooner than the gap between this one and the people I can do without, DAS A PROMISE DAWG.
sex!
amount of times I had sex
amount of orgasms
biggest orgasm
amount of women who would have had sex with Me if I had asked
record for most masturbations and sexings in a day
where you rank among all of these among all people in heaven, I'd like to know where I rank in the skin flute virtuosos hall of fame, top 10 percent? top 5? top 20?
best orgasm
fastest orgasm (in time AND Pumps)
bodily functions!
amount of poop/pee/vomit produced
biggest dump
smelliest dump
most amount peed out in one go
if said pee could have overflowed a modern toilet on pure amount of liquid, if not how close did it come?
once again, where do I rank?
my rate of floaters to sinkers
most normal colored peed out
fastest/slowest dump and piss
random stuff
heaviest object lifted, both solo and team, for team, how much of the object you yourself lifted.
article of clothing most worn
pair of shoes that lasted the longest
activity you spent the most of your time doing
room you spent the most time in
longest time slept
amount of drugs both legal and illegal taken
amount of alcohol drank
most commonly eaten food
most commonly dranken drink
amount of beard grown in yards
loudest fart
smelliest fart
amount of farts laid
percent of time doing stuff (sleeping, showering, working et cetera)
nicest beard/mustashe you grew
there you go, a short list of stuff i need to know once I get to heaven, and more importantly, I actually finished a blog entry for the first time in like, months. god that feels good, I am going to go make out with myself, should have another one out sooner than the gap between this one and the people I can do without, DAS A PROMISE DAWG.
Friday, June 18, 2010
people we can do without
title says it all, a complete list of people who I think the world would be a lot better without, its a take on a classic george carlin bit "People I can do without"
any person under 20 who only listens to "classic rock"
anyone who calls soccer "the beautiful game"
men who wear tevas
older men who tell My generation theirs was the only one to make a difference, man
any and all hippies over 50
any and all hippies
any and all people who will watch the big bang theory over community this fall
the people who find two and a half men hilarious
notre dame football fans
duke basketball fans
creepy cougars who don't have the body to be cougars
any large women in tight clothes
anyone who claims Japan is superior to america solely based on their animation
fans of nascar
any woman in a pink jersey or baseball hat
countries with mutltiple names (pick one, Holland!)
any teenager with a che guavara t-shirt
all people who shop at hot topic
twilight fans
twilight moms
all fans of glee, in the words of jeff winger "write some original songs!"
Beyonce
sportswriters, specifically any who bitch about super bowl locale.
anyone who paid money to see killers
the new karate kid movie with jaden smith
will farrell sports movies
anyone who tells me field of dreams is better than the sandlot
people with a first name for a last name
people with a last name for a first name
women who do great in their NCAA pools by picking random colors
emo kids
scene kids
anyone who says tony hawk pro skater 2 isn't the best skateboarding game ever made
the clerks at gamestop who look down on people who don't play weird japanese games and brag about how great they are for playing final fantasy
tea party members
any and all kevin james movies
fans of carlos mencia
people who drive slow
all conspiracy theories
anyone who says that guts is better than legends of the hidden temple
people who spell normal names weird
anyone convinced the world of avatar is superior to ours
people who say digimon are real
anyone who says the orange box isn't the best value in human history
anyone who picks bulbasaur
any person under 20 who only listens to "classic rock"
anyone who calls soccer "the beautiful game"
men who wear tevas
older men who tell My generation theirs was the only one to make a difference, man
any and all hippies over 50
any and all hippies
any and all people who will watch the big bang theory over community this fall
the people who find two and a half men hilarious
notre dame football fans
duke basketball fans
creepy cougars who don't have the body to be cougars
any large women in tight clothes
anyone who claims Japan is superior to america solely based on their animation
fans of nascar
any woman in a pink jersey or baseball hat
countries with mutltiple names (pick one, Holland!)
any teenager with a che guavara t-shirt
all people who shop at hot topic
twilight fans
twilight moms
all fans of glee, in the words of jeff winger "write some original songs!"
Beyonce
sportswriters, specifically any who bitch about super bowl locale.
anyone who paid money to see killers
the new karate kid movie with jaden smith
will farrell sports movies
anyone who tells me field of dreams is better than the sandlot
people with a first name for a last name
people with a last name for a first name
women who do great in their NCAA pools by picking random colors
emo kids
scene kids
anyone who says tony hawk pro skater 2 isn't the best skateboarding game ever made
the clerks at gamestop who look down on people who don't play weird japanese games and brag about how great they are for playing final fantasy
tea party members
any and all kevin james movies
fans of carlos mencia
people who drive slow
all conspiracy theories
anyone who says that guts is better than legends of the hidden temple
people who spell normal names weird
anyone convinced the world of avatar is superior to ours
people who say digimon are real
anyone who says the orange box isn't the best value in human history
anyone who picks bulbasaur
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Mikhail prokhorov: Honorary american and international badass
Gecko: two straight posts on why certain people outawesome americans? are you on coke? no gentle reader, I am not, feeling international though, and besides, our subject today is easily the coolest guy alive.Lets say I need a guy to hang out with. what do I want in him? well, tall is good, tall people are cool. I want him to be obscenely rich, like, serious fuck you money. I want an international man of mystery with good taste, always important, plus it adds a much needed badass.
Mikhail Prokhorov or as I'll be calling him, Micky P, is easily the coolest dude in the world.
why is this?
1. He got arrested...for having hot girls hang around him and being suspected they were prostitutes he flew in from russia to france. he responded by insulting all french people and fucking the prime ministers foxy wife.
2.His 3 biggest loves are business sports and food. IE: manliness, manliness and eating. He is not married because he hasn't, in his own words "found a woman who isn't a good enough cook to him" Micky P knows where his shit is AT.
3. Micky P is buying the new jersey nets and will lure Lebron here and then to brooklyn.
4. Micky P is 6'8 and has youtube videos of himself DOING JETSKI TRICKS. what more do you need in a man?
5. after food business and sports, Micky P loves, LOVES beautiful women, to the point when he goes clubbing, he has hot russian girls just surrounding him and dancing for him and his friends.
6. He worked russian democracy to make him a buttload of cash, got busted by the french for pimpitude, was advised to sell for 10 billion dollars.seemingly 20 seconds later, the bottom fell out of the russian metal industry, leaving everyone but Micky P fucked. this proves without A doubt Micky P is at least psychic, which since all telekinetic people rule, is a sure sign Micky P is a badass.
due to the fact that the NBA is rigged and makes me sad, Micky P wasn't able to telekinetically remove david sterns nuts. However, Micky P is so badass its ridiculous, as I believe I have shown. in short, he's a giant russian man who works out a lot, is fuck you rich, enjoys women and good food, and could be an excellent bond villian. He is smart and awesome and I hope he reads this and decides to hire Me as nets official ball buster. your the man, Micky P, and I wish you and Jay-z nothing but luck. Oh right
reason 7: He hangs out with Jay-z, one of the baddest cats around. Jay-Z is such a badass, he actually makes me not want to run over Beyonce with a bulldozer, which is rather incredible. Oh beyonce has a non traditional body you say? I didn't know big breasts long legs and wide hips was non traditional, America! Jay-z, on the other hand, is a bad cat who can fly, victory: Jay.
reason 8: He's awesome.
the golden geckos for the 2009-10 tv season
TV is easily the top dog of the entertainment industry right now. Fuck, I saw a trailer for an Ashton Kutcher/Katharine Heigl romantic comedy the other day, and I wanted to run down an orphan with a compactor. I have stated all movies fall into a sort of sub category of action-y summer movie, shitty romcoms, and Oscar bait, and TV is were all the creative minds of Hollywood decide to hang out. And since TV has now officially taken a break for the summer, I feel hollow and empty inside. Sort of like how I leave your girlfriend in your bed.
So, without further ado, I am giving out the prestigious Golden Gecko. Why is this award so highly regarded? Like your absentee father, my respect is hard to come by. Unlike your absentee father, I won't drive you to a life of stripping, drugs and slutty hook-ups (Samantha).
So we got a variety of things we'll give out awards for: Best Drama, Best Comedy, Best New Show, Best Network, as well as Worst Network and Worst New Show, and Best Actor in comedy and drama.
(note that has to be made: these aren't the fucking Emmys, which tend to reward what they liked for the past few years and/or shows that are ending; this is primarily what I felt had a good year and what deserves to be recognized):
Best Comedy: Archer
Great, great year for comedy. With the newcomers like Community and Modern Family, solid showing from always-excellent shows like 30 Rock and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and even a good show or two in traditional sitcomopolis with How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. However, if you pick anything other than Archer, you're doing it wrong. I judge comedy on a rather simple thing: How many times can I use its funny quotes with them still being funny? and Archer is the king of that. Archer didn't have a bad episode in 10 this season, and each episode had at least 3 kickass quotes in it.
What is Archer, you ask? Quite simply: its a spy comedy. To describe it better, its the funniest fucking show on TV right now, which is amazing since its on a super strong network (FX is probably the best network in terms of content right now) with great competiton in It's Always Sunny and The League, and now Louie, but even still Archer was the funniest show of the year.
Best comedy actor: Charlie Day
Comedy is always were the Emmys fuck up. Really, Two and a Half Men is funny now? The puppet faced weirdo is funny? Fuck them, the funniest guy on TV, bar none, is Charlie Day. For those who watch Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie Day is the guy who plays Charlie Kelly, easily the funniest character on Always Sunny. Allow me to put it this way: I judge comedy in two ways, the above-mentioned quotableness, and delivery. Charlie Day's delivery is fucking fantastic. Go watch any scene where he is fighting with any of the cast of Always Sunny, and its impecable. Go watch the "kitten mittons" scene, if you need to be convinced. His face, his voice, his fucking everything is fucking DELIGHTFUL (Joke here about how you're totally fucking gay for this bastard?--Love, Vicky) to watch since its so over the top ridiculous, any time he fucking talks I just lose it, it is a joy to watch someone who is this funny and-- ignored by the dogfisters at the Emmys? Really? Glee is funny? Glee isn't any good, its a musical without original music and half the people sound auto-tuned as shit. Charlie Day makes me squeal with gayness and mirth, whether he's stalking the waitress, dressed as green man, or pitching mittons for cats, he's a god damn FORCE on Always Sunny, and I'm recognizing, I got your back Charlie.
Best Drama: Dexter
A very, very good year for drama: Mad Men living up to its usual excellent standards, Lost having a fantasic, confusing, wonderful final season, The Pacific was a harrowing depiction of war, and newcomer Treme living up to hype as "the new Wire", but all of them pale in comparison to Dexter. Dexter's 4th season was a maze of emotions, from high to low, and while it wavered just a smidgeon at the beginning, the last 3rd of the season was emotional as all hell. All this was lead up to one of the few finales this year where I jumped up at my screen and yelled "THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN, THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE DOING THAT". A drama is only as good as its twists and turns, and Dexter had them in bunches. The identity of Trinity at first, then is He alone, a lone wolf? No, no he's not, he has a family! and Dexter, our protagonist grows close to them, how could he? He has to study Trinity and find out how he keeps it a secret, and that's as much as I am willing to spoil. Excellently narrated and acted by Michael C. Hall, and easily the best guest actor this year (Jon Lithgow, who legitimately gave me goosebumps at points this year playing Trinity). I have been eagerly anticipating season 5 since season 4 ended, and that is the sign of great drama, you need to know what happens next.
Best Actor: Jon Hamm
Jon Hamm is the biggest boss you've seen thus far. He plays every aspect of Don Draper, were most actors would play Draper as a mysterious, dickish sort, you see every layer of Don with Jon Hamm, his strength, his weakness, the mysterious past, and yes, the great ad man. Jon Hamm gets plenty of love for pulling off D-drapes, and he will continue with a win in the Best Drama Actor category. Season 3 had Don pulled around by a crazy old man, lose his woman to a slimy politician, bang a teacher, become a father to baby Gene, school some Italian douchebags, and at the end, you could see in his eyes "I will build this new agency to great heights, we will be a goddamned force of nature, and no one will stop me". Don is a bad motherfucker who kicks ass, takes names and fingerbangs who he pleases (literally).
Best New Show: Community
Why does Community get the nod over Archer? Becauseause I already blew Archer up there, so now it's time to suck Community off. Community is the best show on network tv now that Lost is gone, and wow, what a first season. Each character developed without dragging too much, the jokes were crisp and funny, and it managed to play at your emotions without losing the funny, a vital part of comedy. Joel McHale is the ideal leading man, he's got good comedic chops, good improv skills, he's (I'll admit it) attractive and just enough of a douche to make you laugh. Danny Pudi is one of the best comedic characters to come onto network tv in years, and with enough of a running plot to keep you enticed, though each episode stands alone as good solid comedy. Truly astounding since most network comedies treat the viewer as a slack-jawed idiot . CBS is particularly guilty of this, though they make How I Met Your Mother, which is particularly excellent.
Best Network: FX
Its astounding (This is like the fourtieth time you've used the word "astounding", you prat) really, that FX is owned by Fox. Fox is easily the worst of the 4 big networks, relying on American Idol and Family Guy to drive me into a rage (and bring in the ratings), and having one decent show (Bones) to save it from being a joke of a network. But FX is the best network around right now. You've got Sons of Anarchy, which features copious amounts of motorcycle badassery and justified for your law enforcment asskickery. Comedy, though, is where FX flexes its muscles, with Archer, Always Sunny and The League, not to mention Louie. FX just churns out good programming all the time, its amazing that those pigfuckers who run TV aren't fucking it up. Actually, speaking of pigfuckers...
Worst Network: NBC
And this one is by a country mile. I thought it'd take a mouthbreathing cumswiller the likes of which we haven't seen since the last Daughtry album to top the idiocy CBS spurts out (I'm looking at you, Two and a Half Men and the 100 crime shows you have on, plus Rules of Engagement and Gary Unmarried) but WOW. NBC is run by easily the dumbest people on earth. Am I saying this solely out of vengeance for my man Conan O'Brian? Partially, yes, since they basically set Conan up to fail, then said "We no know how Conan fail!!" I can tell you, NBC. Its because you stuck the unfunny car fister in front of him, causing everyone to be instantly pissed off. Then you decide to yank weaselfucker's show (a smart move) and decide that 7 months is enough, and treat Conan like he is garbage. I hope your children are cursed with infertility and birth defects. Then you decide "Hey, Parks and Rec was really solid, you know what we should do for our 2010-11 season? make it a midseason replacement and break up the best 2 hour block on tv (the Thursday night comedy block, the only thing saving NBC). Top that with LOSING money on the olympics, having no real sports on it, exclusively built up on the reputation of a "bastion of good tv" (a lie, since none of their dramas have really panned out) and take away the Thursday block, and their comedy is atrocious. Heroes turned into a massive pile of plotholes and shit midway through season 3 when 4 characters (Claire, Hiro, Peter and Sylar) became massively overpowered, and none of their other dramas have even came close to panning out. NBC is a disgrace, and its worse than the CW, and only teenage girls (and me when Gossip Girl (aka the Blake Lively Sexy Titty Hour) comes on) watch that shit.
So, without further ado, I am giving out the prestigious Golden Gecko. Why is this award so highly regarded? Like your absentee father, my respect is hard to come by. Unlike your absentee father, I won't drive you to a life of stripping, drugs and slutty hook-ups (Samantha).
So we got a variety of things we'll give out awards for: Best Drama, Best Comedy, Best New Show, Best Network, as well as Worst Network and Worst New Show, and Best Actor in comedy and drama.
(note that has to be made: these aren't the fucking Emmys, which tend to reward what they liked for the past few years and/or shows that are ending; this is primarily what I felt had a good year and what deserves to be recognized):
Best Comedy: Archer
Great, great year for comedy. With the newcomers like Community and Modern Family, solid showing from always-excellent shows like 30 Rock and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and even a good show or two in traditional sitcomopolis with How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. However, if you pick anything other than Archer, you're doing it wrong. I judge comedy on a rather simple thing: How many times can I use its funny quotes with them still being funny? and Archer is the king of that. Archer didn't have a bad episode in 10 this season, and each episode had at least 3 kickass quotes in it.
What is Archer, you ask? Quite simply: its a spy comedy. To describe it better, its the funniest fucking show on TV right now, which is amazing since its on a super strong network (FX is probably the best network in terms of content right now) with great competiton in It's Always Sunny and The League, and now Louie, but even still Archer was the funniest show of the year.
Best comedy actor: Charlie Day
Comedy is always were the Emmys fuck up. Really, Two and a Half Men is funny now? The puppet faced weirdo is funny? Fuck them, the funniest guy on TV, bar none, is Charlie Day. For those who watch Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie Day is the guy who plays Charlie Kelly, easily the funniest character on Always Sunny. Allow me to put it this way: I judge comedy in two ways, the above-mentioned quotableness, and delivery. Charlie Day's delivery is fucking fantastic. Go watch any scene where he is fighting with any of the cast of Always Sunny, and its impecable. Go watch the "kitten mittons" scene, if you need to be convinced. His face, his voice, his fucking everything is fucking DELIGHTFUL (Joke here about how you're totally fucking gay for this bastard?--Love, Vicky) to watch since its so over the top ridiculous, any time he fucking talks I just lose it, it is a joy to watch someone who is this funny and-- ignored by the dogfisters at the Emmys? Really? Glee is funny? Glee isn't any good, its a musical without original music and half the people sound auto-tuned as shit. Charlie Day makes me squeal with gayness and mirth, whether he's stalking the waitress, dressed as green man, or pitching mittons for cats, he's a god damn FORCE on Always Sunny, and I'm recognizing, I got your back Charlie.
Best Drama: Dexter
A very, very good year for drama: Mad Men living up to its usual excellent standards, Lost having a fantasic, confusing, wonderful final season, The Pacific was a harrowing depiction of war, and newcomer Treme living up to hype as "the new Wire", but all of them pale in comparison to Dexter. Dexter's 4th season was a maze of emotions, from high to low, and while it wavered just a smidgeon at the beginning, the last 3rd of the season was emotional as all hell. All this was lead up to one of the few finales this year where I jumped up at my screen and yelled "THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN, THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE DOING THAT". A drama is only as good as its twists and turns, and Dexter had them in bunches. The identity of Trinity at first, then is He alone, a lone wolf? No, no he's not, he has a family! and Dexter, our protagonist grows close to them, how could he? He has to study Trinity and find out how he keeps it a secret, and that's as much as I am willing to spoil. Excellently narrated and acted by Michael C. Hall, and easily the best guest actor this year (Jon Lithgow, who legitimately gave me goosebumps at points this year playing Trinity). I have been eagerly anticipating season 5 since season 4 ended, and that is the sign of great drama, you need to know what happens next.
Best Actor: Jon Hamm
Jon Hamm is the biggest boss you've seen thus far. He plays every aspect of Don Draper, were most actors would play Draper as a mysterious, dickish sort, you see every layer of Don with Jon Hamm, his strength, his weakness, the mysterious past, and yes, the great ad man. Jon Hamm gets plenty of love for pulling off D-drapes, and he will continue with a win in the Best Drama Actor category. Season 3 had Don pulled around by a crazy old man, lose his woman to a slimy politician, bang a teacher, become a father to baby Gene, school some Italian douchebags, and at the end, you could see in his eyes "I will build this new agency to great heights, we will be a goddamned force of nature, and no one will stop me". Don is a bad motherfucker who kicks ass, takes names and fingerbangs who he pleases (literally).
Best New Show: Community
Why does Community get the nod over Archer? Becauseause I already blew Archer up there, so now it's time to suck Community off. Community is the best show on network tv now that Lost is gone, and wow, what a first season. Each character developed without dragging too much, the jokes were crisp and funny, and it managed to play at your emotions without losing the funny, a vital part of comedy. Joel McHale is the ideal leading man, he's got good comedic chops, good improv skills, he's (I'll admit it) attractive and just enough of a douche to make you laugh. Danny Pudi is one of the best comedic characters to come onto network tv in years, and with enough of a running plot to keep you enticed, though each episode stands alone as good solid comedy. Truly astounding since most network comedies treat the viewer as a slack-jawed idiot . CBS is particularly guilty of this, though they make How I Met Your Mother, which is particularly excellent.
Best Network: FX
Its astounding (This is like the fourtieth time you've used the word "astounding", you prat) really, that FX is owned by Fox. Fox is easily the worst of the 4 big networks, relying on American Idol and Family Guy to drive me into a rage (and bring in the ratings), and having one decent show (Bones) to save it from being a joke of a network. But FX is the best network around right now. You've got Sons of Anarchy, which features copious amounts of motorcycle badassery and justified for your law enforcment asskickery. Comedy, though, is where FX flexes its muscles, with Archer, Always Sunny and The League, not to mention Louie. FX just churns out good programming all the time, its amazing that those pigfuckers who run TV aren't fucking it up. Actually, speaking of pigfuckers...
Worst Network: NBC
And this one is by a country mile. I thought it'd take a mouthbreathing cumswiller the likes of which we haven't seen since the last Daughtry album to top the idiocy CBS spurts out (I'm looking at you, Two and a Half Men and the 100 crime shows you have on, plus Rules of Engagement and Gary Unmarried) but WOW. NBC is run by easily the dumbest people on earth. Am I saying this solely out of vengeance for my man Conan O'Brian? Partially, yes, since they basically set Conan up to fail, then said "We no know how Conan fail!!" I can tell you, NBC. Its because you stuck the unfunny car fister in front of him, causing everyone to be instantly pissed off. Then you decide to yank weaselfucker's show (a smart move) and decide that 7 months is enough, and treat Conan like he is garbage. I hope your children are cursed with infertility and birth defects. Then you decide "Hey, Parks and Rec was really solid, you know what we should do for our 2010-11 season? make it a midseason replacement and break up the best 2 hour block on tv (the Thursday night comedy block, the only thing saving NBC). Top that with LOSING money on the olympics, having no real sports on it, exclusively built up on the reputation of a "bastion of good tv" (a lie, since none of their dramas have really panned out) and take away the Thursday block, and their comedy is atrocious. Heroes turned into a massive pile of plotholes and shit midway through season 3 when 4 characters (Claire, Hiro, Peter and Sylar) became massively overpowered, and none of their other dramas have even came close to panning out. NBC is a disgrace, and its worse than the CW, and only teenage girls (and me when Gossip Girl (aka the Blake Lively Sexy Titty Hour) comes on) watch that shit.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Australian people are awesome
1. 100 percent of Australians are known to drink excessively
2. all austrailian women have great accents, 2nd only to the british accent
3. Australians play rugby, which is like football but filled with more rage, no one cares about the ball in rugby, they care about mauling you, thats amazing.
4. Australia is like america in that all the cool shit happens on the coast, and the middle is filled with shit no one cares about (big rocks and shit in australia, fat people here).
5. Australians hang out with Maori warriors, easily the most batshit people ever, case and point:
what a winner, maori people exclusively focus on bludgeoning and cutting shit, also they use shit like shark teeth as weapons, that means that they kill sharks, and judging by the looks of that dude, they kill them with their own bare hands, which is fucking.awesome.
6. Australia Produced AC/DC, one of the few bands to ever totally rock your tits clean off
7. Australians hunt crazy shit like kangaroos, wallabies, and the most fail animal on earth, the koala, no doubt do they eat koala burgers like we eat cow.
8. the average australian woman is super fine, Australian girls are part of the sexy trinity along with the brazillians and the russians, check these ladies out
'
all hot australian girls.
9. Australian People own knives that make a claymore feel inadequate, for a variety of purposes, throwin, stabbin, slashin, nazi killin, scalping, brush clearin, and many many more.
10. Like the US, australians are descended from people who hated england. Unlike us, who wanted religious freedom, Australian people were crazy prisoners, 100 percent of whose crimes were cool shit like excessive masculinity, break dancing in public, and absurd amount of faces ruined.
holy shit, does Australia rule, if i ever leave this great land, after I fuck every chick in brazil, I am going the fuck to Australia.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM KWANZAA GECKO INC LLC
I have decided that I am no longer able to blog, My skills have simply eroded to be as good as your average cockweasel joke. also, my capacity for hating has significantly declined, so from now on,expect nothing else but love, adoration and like to flow from Me.
GOTCHA BITCH! APRIL FOOLS!
anyway, whose ready for a brand new kwanzaa gecko? I sure as shit am, and I AM the kwanzaa gecko.
so what we'll talk about today is an issue dividing this country greatly, something that has caused brother to fight brother and a house divided cannot stand.
thats right motherfuckers, we're talking Duke.
raise your hand if you like duke? you do? come here, come drink this hemloch so you may suffer painfully for being a classic douche.
Duke is, in a nutshell, the ultimate douche school. it douches such notable douche schools as ohio state (the athletic douche) all ivy league schools (the rich douche who you want run over) the womens college douche (the I hate all men and they are soulless monsters who ruin society douche). why does duke outdouche these people? they combine all the parts into one douche, a super douche monster like what happens when candy in your pocket melts into a puddle of amorphous candy blob shit, that your not sure what part of what candy your eating. in fact, thats My new name for duke, and i hope it spreada, candydouches. because they are gay, you see.
Dukies will claim that I hate duke solely because of their basketball team. oh that is simply not true. Do I loathe white dudes playing basketball (or any sport for that matter) where whitey is described as "gritty" a "hustler" a "scrappy" player? yes, and what is duke "gritty" "Scrappy" duke needs to be drugged and raped like a lacrosstitute...oh wait, too soon? duke and lacrosse combine two things I loathe more than anything, rich entitled white people going to a rich entitled white school, and Lacrosse, the official sport of rich entitled white people who I would severely enjoy kicking down a well and sealing that shit up.
Duke is a rich entitled dipshit school, do you know what duke does? buh! I don't either, besides jerk itself off.
GOTCHA BITCH! APRIL FOOLS!
anyway, whose ready for a brand new kwanzaa gecko? I sure as shit am, and I AM the kwanzaa gecko.
so what we'll talk about today is an issue dividing this country greatly, something that has caused brother to fight brother and a house divided cannot stand.
thats right motherfuckers, we're talking Duke.
raise your hand if you like duke? you do? come here, come drink this hemloch so you may suffer painfully for being a classic douche.
Duke is, in a nutshell, the ultimate douche school. it douches such notable douche schools as ohio state (the athletic douche) all ivy league schools (the rich douche who you want run over) the womens college douche (the I hate all men and they are soulless monsters who ruin society douche). why does duke outdouche these people? they combine all the parts into one douche, a super douche monster like what happens when candy in your pocket melts into a puddle of amorphous candy blob shit, that your not sure what part of what candy your eating. in fact, thats My new name for duke, and i hope it spreada, candydouches. because they are gay, you see.
Dukies will claim that I hate duke solely because of their basketball team. oh that is simply not true. Do I loathe white dudes playing basketball (or any sport for that matter) where whitey is described as "gritty" a "hustler" a "scrappy" player? yes, and what is duke "gritty" "Scrappy" duke needs to be drugged and raped like a lacrosstitute...oh wait, too soon? duke and lacrosse combine two things I loathe more than anything, rich entitled white people going to a rich entitled white school, and Lacrosse, the official sport of rich entitled white people who I would severely enjoy kicking down a well and sealing that shit up.
Duke is a rich entitled dipshit school, do you know what duke does? buh! I don't either, besides jerk itself off.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
the reason I love Me some gay dudes but not like that, you dirty person
Many straight dudes Hate them some gay people, don't want the gays to get their rights, no marriage, no kids, and want em all dead. to that I offer a heart felt fuck you! as a single straight dude, who is not a skinny bastard by any stretch of the sweatpants, Gay dudes are fucking awesome. why you ask?
the more gay men out there, the more vagina there is out there for Me.
and heres why:
your average gay dude is skinny, fit, attractive, funny, into everything your average hot broad is, you know, food, wine, style, greys anatomy, etc.
so what does this have to do with Me, you say? the gay man would make an ideal boyfriend, except for one key fact:
He is just as into cock as she is.
how does this help Me you say?
when two gay dudes hook up, its two of these perfect guys off the market, it eventually forces women to lower their standards from perfect awesome edward cullen stalker, to average joe who is handsome, charming, and has a dick like a clydesdale. you know, Me. therefore, the more gays the better, because gay people lead to More ladies for Me, and I like Ladies. so vis a vis, I support gay rights, gay people getting married, having kids, teaching people, flying, doing all the things we straights do. now am I saying gay people are perfect? AW HELL NAW son, there are plenty of gays out there who deserve a punch straight in the dick for a variety of reasons, i'll show you a quote
"homosexuality is gods way of ensuring the truly gifted are not burdened with children"
/20 minutes later, my blood pressure has lowered
ho.ly. shit, if i can kill one quote via drawing hanging and quartering, its that quote. and you gays wonder why people hate you? douchey motherfuckers like this lead to nothing but trouble, because then all you gays are grouped together as douchey, or bitchy, or what the proper terminology is for a dickish gay man is, that one quote basically puts all gays in one big gay box with no anal lube or madonna albums. seriously gay people, fix that shit, then we'll talk, but until then, keep on buttfuckin
the more gay men out there, the more vagina there is out there for Me.
and heres why:
your average gay dude is skinny, fit, attractive, funny, into everything your average hot broad is, you know, food, wine, style, greys anatomy, etc.
so what does this have to do with Me, you say? the gay man would make an ideal boyfriend, except for one key fact:
He is just as into cock as she is.
how does this help Me you say?
when two gay dudes hook up, its two of these perfect guys off the market, it eventually forces women to lower their standards from perfect awesome edward cullen stalker, to average joe who is handsome, charming, and has a dick like a clydesdale. you know, Me. therefore, the more gays the better, because gay people lead to More ladies for Me, and I like Ladies. so vis a vis, I support gay rights, gay people getting married, having kids, teaching people, flying, doing all the things we straights do. now am I saying gay people are perfect? AW HELL NAW son, there are plenty of gays out there who deserve a punch straight in the dick for a variety of reasons, i'll show you a quote
"homosexuality is gods way of ensuring the truly gifted are not burdened with children"
/20 minutes later, my blood pressure has lowered
ho.ly. shit, if i can kill one quote via drawing hanging and quartering, its that quote. and you gays wonder why people hate you? douchey motherfuckers like this lead to nothing but trouble, because then all you gays are grouped together as douchey, or bitchy, or what the proper terminology is for a dickish gay man is, that one quote basically puts all gays in one big gay box with no anal lube or madonna albums. seriously gay people, fix that shit, then we'll talk, but until then, keep on buttfuckin
Monday, March 1, 2010
the late night wars and what I think
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Monday, February 22, 2010
Why I hate Johnny Depp and Tim Burton to the core.
I Know what you're thinking "Kwanzaa, you're going to alienate your entire art school/hipster fanbase" good, if those fucks are reading this, they should've gotten the hint that I hate douchebaggery around post 2. Normally, I'm not this mad about stuff, Most of My hate for the most part, is positive, happy hate, it makes Me feel happy to hate certain things, and this is primarily because a lot of people I know also hate these things (douchebags, elitist nerds, and music snobs are among my most hated), but this is a rather unpopular stance, but dammit, blogging is a form of journalism, so I'm gonna bukkake you with my facts here, Holy shit on a shingle do I hate Tim Burton and Johnny depp, and you're gonna find out why in a minute.
Look how hip and rebellious these guys are! they don't dress like stupid conformists, no sir! I mean, arm tattoos? who has those? and who among you has the courage and balls to dress like a gay hip cowboy like Johnny is? or look like he just woke up and put a square ring on his finger like tim? or appear as though you bought these clothes used when in fact you just spend 250 dollars on ripped jeans, a falsely aged t-shirt and converses? or most importantly, look as though you don't know the words basic hygene. these men are a national treasure of coolness, they are the sole lighthouses in a grey sea of conformity nonuniqueness, the greatest director and actor of the past 20 years!
if you believe the above paragraph, kindly swallow a stick of dynamite, you emo faggot poser. do you not realize it is YOU who is the conformist? you are the one who does what is cool and popular, just not among so called "popular" people, you conform to other things. you soundly believe Tim Burton is the greatest director of the past 20 year s(of which your wrong, the top 3 are Michael Bay, Peter Jackson and Zach Snyder, tarantino is 4th, and we'll go through this list now: you know why Michael Bay is the best, Peter Jackson made the impossible possible with Lord of the rings, Zach Snyder has two kickass movies (watchmen and 300) under his belt, and you know tarantinos credentials, Pulp fiction, Inglourious basterds, kill bill etc). do you Know, Mister Hipster, where tim burton lies on this list? somewhere between Uwe Bole and the guys who keep making disaster/superhero/date movie, that is, in the "these guys are so bad I hope they get cancer" category.
now you're asking, Gecko, thats a bit harsh, Burton has changed fil. I kindly interrupt you there, good sir, tim burton has made, of nearly 20 films, 3 good ones. batman (its fucking BATMAN, it can't suck unless its batman begins or batman and robin) Batman Returns (see above) and Edward scissorhands (a genuinely touching movie). and when did he make all of these? 20 years ago, he is coasting on the fact that he made 3 pretty good movies 20 years ago, everything since then? dogshit
Nightmare before christmas you say? I say that that movie is awful for a variety of reasons 1. Jack Skellington is a toolbox 2. the animation is stupid (he only did stop motion to be unique, it would be fine as traditional cel animation, douche) and 3. you meet any animation/art student and ask them their favorite movie, quite a few will say Nightmare before christmas is in among their tops.
Burton also has this nasty habit of not knowing when things don't need to be remade. Ask Charlie and the chocolate factory, not the badass one with Gene wilder who basically spends most of the movie pissed off and angry, Mike teevee as a cowboy, violet beauregard as a blueberry, Augustus gloop dying of sugar OD, you know, the classic; I'd bet solid money that wonka was coked up and or drunk off his ass through most of it No, I'm talking the one with the fruity ass Johnny depp, who has things like a backstory, childhood pain, and acts like a freaky michael Jackson who almost certainly sticks his dick in the chocolate. yeah, think of that next time you eat a candy bar, someones dong taking a dip in your bar, sounds gross right? grosser than insect legs, dick chocolate. I don't CARE why wonka is the way he is, no one does, I just assumed he was a surly drunk most of the day, Maybe he's diabetic, which would be horribly ironic, being a candy icon, in fact, that makes so much sense, willy wonka was diabetic. Maybe I'm alone there. and don't get me started on that alice in wonderland movie he's making.
oh fuck, now i'm started, this is gonna end badly, I can guarantee it. first off, Johnny depp keeps looking freaky as shit, anne hathaway (normally really tappable and is known to be pro anal sex) looks like a goddamn freaky geisha. Helena Bonham carter (who can always, ALWAYS be found in a burton movie) is a shrunken midget. why did we need her around anymore? she's a hipster doofus. and 3-D? everyone knows the avatar is the only movie allowed to do 3-D, because it did UH-MAZINGLY.
anyway, onto depp. Johnny depp gets constant praise for taking Unique, cool roles. well guess what? EVERY role he takes is some crazy, supposedly funny weirdo. Jack Sparrow, the mad hatter, willie wonka, all basically the same artsy, uniquely weird person. Man, do I hate that. Say what you will about tom cruise, Brad Pitt, etc, at least those fuckers play different characters, ditto with George Clooney, but Johnny depp? no, far too content to play some crazy guy who is slightly off but he is a special person! a unique flower!
asshats.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but this is gonna be the best gecko post of all time!
(for those of you over 50, thats a taylor swift joke)
if you are under the age of 25 surtely you know who the abovely pictured broad is, taylor swift, AKA That chick my girlfriend likes her music AKA, a candidate to be the future Mrs Gecko. first off, I'd like to state I do not Hate Her, amazing I know! I Hate everything, but I dig this chick, 3 reasons.
1. she's a good girl, ain't no panty shots or sex tapes (sadly for Me, good for the future girls of america for someone famous to look up to, doesn't drink, smoke, sing about sex, and most importantly, she's not lindsay lohan or paris hilton)
2. she's a fox, tall blonde and cute= total babe
3. she's waay too easy to make fun of in her videos
and that last one is pure gold in my book, she's an easy good target because in her music videos, she (and the guys in them) are almost comically stupid. and thats whats kicking off this brand new series: spoofing taylor swift videos, or as I'll call it, swiftly swinging at swifts sweet singing soppy songs: a miniseries
IN 3-D!!!!!1111
and today, we'll start where taylor herself started
IN 3-D!!!1111
(sorry, 3-d is big right now, I mean shit, you saw avatar right? shit was BALLIN, blue cats running around fighting people, hot damn was that a good movie, but I digress, avatar was filmed entirely....)
in 3-D!!11111
(I swear, thats the last one.... ok, one more time)
IN 3-D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111
Ok we done? good
anyhoo: where were we? right, the first video, lets roll the tape Jim!
wait, no preview video? you shitting Me? no little screen? I have to post the link? fucking blogspot, ok, here's the video link, go watch it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKCek6_dB0M (dammit, this really breaks up the flow of what was a very nice post, goddamn assfisters at blogspot/google, click the link and watch, fool).
anyway, what we got here is our first recurring theme in taylor swift videos: Oh this guy doesn't think I'm pretty! to which I respond with a sound, dudes gotta be blind or some shit. You, Taylor? you are quite an attractive young lady, not like say, this broad
Look at THAT landbeast, holy shit, I wouldn't fuck her with your dick, gentle reader. (quick sidenote: we're talking about the whale in the center, but the average midwestern girl is AT LEAST this fat) want another example? oh fuck and yes you want more ugly broads
look at THAT, Taylor, before you complain that no guys like you, because you look like...
this, you are attractive, hot, sexy even. but that is not the point, the point is you sing about how no guys want to go out with you, why is this? are you boring? do you have an odd odor to yourself? perhaps your really clingy? I don't know, I guess we'll have to watch more of your videos at a later time, since this is now a new running series: Taylor swift takedowns that are a subtle hint that I want to make her Mrs Gecko. or whatever the tag is below Me, I don't care either way, the point is, get ready, get set my readers, and lets go for More Mocking of a successful 20 year old girl to make ourselves feel better, you know you'll be back.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
more encycbropedia brotannica!
with the advent of some of the most wanton douchebaggery to ever be unleashed on tv (jersey shore) People have been clamoring for more encycbropedia, and I am a man of the people (as all great americans should be) so here you go, More Bro words ahoy!
Bropane:
Bropane is what brobeques are had on, on their bro cookers, it is how most food is broasted in a pan, using bropane. whats in bropane? most of the shit thats in propane, plus hairgel, bits of hair, axe body spray, Lil waynes tatoos and t-pains tophat, in other words, its powered by 100 percent DOUCHE. food cooked on bropane, no matter how good the food, will taste identical to sadness and the tears of indians, its fucking depressing seeing a bro try and cook (notice that I said try, most of these fuckers end up self immolating (thats a big way to say set themselves on fire immolating sounds far cooler) man, do I always over use parenthesises this must, by the way, parenthesis is just a parent thesis, fucking blows my mind, its a compound word, its the thesis that tells your thesis what to do, a parenthesis)
I got off track again didn't I? ah fuck, sorry reader, now I'm just gonna see how much of your time I can waste, go on, keep reading this. I dare you not to, if you stop, Jay Leno will replace you reading this and bump your reading this a half hour.
anyway, bropane is fucking vile, it doesn't burn normal person's skin, it only burns if your skin is orange, so it doesn't kill anyone important.
Brokemon:
1. He chooses Bulbasaur, Bulbasaur is solid, Imma let him finish, but he's the biggest loser between squirtle him and charmander, squirtle evolves in blastoise, do you need a blastoise picture?
HE'S GOT CANNONS ON HIS BACK! WHAT.A.CHAMP.
of course, blastoise falls in comparison to the pokegod, probably my favorite starter, thats right bitches, its MOTHERFUCKING CHARIZARD
look at charizard. JUST LOOK AT HIM! tail on fire? check, badassery? check. wings? check charizard is a BOSS
venusaur? Venusaur's aiight, He's funny, easy to make penile jokes (PENISAUR! Get it?! or better, penis whore! bam! two dick jokes like that! or my favorite feelawhore! its like an invitation to fondle!) Grass types generally suck
2. He catches a fucking raticate, everyone hates raticate, its just a fact, jack. raticate SUCKS
3. He prefers vaporeon, easily the worst eevee form (eevee needs less E's, I'm not sure if its one e or two in the front, correct me in the comments)
4.He likes dragonite, AKA the big orange retard of pokemon.
5. his party consists of venusaur, vaporeon, raticate, Dragonite, Hitmonlee and omastar (all losers)6. He doesn't use the rare candy glitch/wastes his master ball.
I believe thats all we need on brokemon. what? what pokemon do I use? sure, I'll tell yaCharizard, Mewtwo, Mew, Lapras, zapdos and whatever the fuck pleases Me that moment, its what you can do when you have all 151, assfister.
Bropera:
Bropera is what bros like to listen to. what consists of bropera? shit music autotuned, douche rock, etc. whats shit music? well, Lil wayne, He's easily the first to go. Evanescence, and that is entirely biased because of a raging hateon I have for amy lee, holy fuck do I hate amy lee, i have for many years, and will continue to. why you ask? She's a fame whore attention grabbing slut, here, read this
She has stated on a number of occasions that she would never flash her breasts or engage in other publicity stunts that would draw attention to herself. In fact, in the music video for "Everybody's Fool", she aimed to mock such artists by suggesting that celebrities who use sex to appeal to an audience are, in fact, merely peddling "lies" (the unifying theme of the music video). Many fans praise Lee for her refusal to emulate other celebrities by using sex appeal in her music (thanks wiki)
well, if you don't wanna engage in publicity stunts, DON'T SAY DOUCHEY SHIT LIKE THAT. DON'T SAY SHIT THAT IN TURN, BRINGS ATTENTION TO YOU,.HOLY SHIT ARE YOU A HYPOCRITE, YOU LYING UGLY CUNT. YOU KNOW WHY YOU DON'T USE SEX APPEAL? NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK YOU, YOU TWO BIT TWILIGHT WHORE, HOLY FUCK AM I PISSED OFF NOW, VERY FEW THINGS ANGER ME LIKE IDIOTS.
here's another one
"In 2004, Lee claimed to be working on music for The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, but that the music was rejected by the studio for being "too dark and epic." (once again, thanks wiki)
you're not dark, you are the polar opposite of epic, holy shit on a shingle, do I want to hit her with a monster truck, she's a lady douche at its finest. she's convinced she is artsy, unique, a special flower amidst the rubble of society, your not. your an ugly goth chick who got lucky to be famous who is a mouthy twat, you hate on slash? you get some hate back, Slash is THE MAN. he's like a british josh homme who helped write appetite for destruction, easily one of the 10 best rock albums ever made.you, Amy lee, are a talentless, ugly, vagina dentata having useless waste of carbon atoms and valuable oxygen and resources, I hope sincerely you are sterile so you do not breed ugly pompous children who I turn will have to pummel to death with a sack full of valencia oranges or nickels. no, definitely nickels, that would satisfy me to no end almost to the point my hate would die down to almost non existance, anyone whose read any other entries of this would know, that that takes a fuckload of hate satisfaction.
anyway, other people who are in bropera: T-pain, Kanye (great musician, but his wanton douchebaggery lands him here), Phoenix, the fireflies guy (he looks like bo burnham), Post Slash Guns N Roses, devil wears prada, green day,
there we go, 3 new bro words, until next time.
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