Thursday, December 31, 2009
Shit that I'd like to see in the new year
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Saturday, December 5, 2009
the Kwanzaa gecko badass stuff of the year
now, we are nearing the end of this year 2009 (disregard that year if you use the jewish or chinese calenders, you crazy), which means all the magazines and tv shows are rolling out their annual awards, people, show, album, worst and best. Well, as much as i love saying things suck (and trust Me, hating makes me hard enough to take batting practice) so you should know how much it pains me to congradulate some motherfuckers for a bang up job they have done.
unlike every award show ever, lets start shit off right with the big ones you care about, Man, album, Movie of the year.Man of the Year: Cap'n sully.
if you dont want to vote cap'n sully for man of the year, congradulations, your more of a dick than the trinity killer on dexter. what qualifies cap'n sully? for one, He's got a good stashe, for two, he saved 155 lives, which is more than obama and any other political cocksniffer has done all year. We are talking about a man, a myth a legend, what would you have done? I know for a fact I would've been freaking out if My plane went down, but not cap'n sully, He's like Rosie O'donnels genitals (in a good way): cold, untouched by man, feared by all, and no ones sure what they are, but you know you don't wanna meet them in a street fight, also, It feeds solely on women and virgins. We should elect cap'n sully for god next year, and considering Josh Homme AND Michael Bay both having bukkakes of badassery this year (both of which we'll get to later). the point is cap'n sully did what no one else did this year, be a total american, he fought for his rights as a pilot. here, just to show, Picture of sully
Cap'n Sully, not pictured? your sister sucking him Like she's a hoover on your carpet.
Look at that picture of cap'n sully. STUDY THAT SHIT LIKE ITS YOUR FINAL EXAM BITCH. He's got everything a kickass guy needs, good pose, sweet uniform, Mustashe, watch that can probably call zordon whenever he wants to summon the dragonzord and thus, fuck your shit up, badges of honor, and an all around american. Cap'n sully will win from now until the rest of time. Runners up include Neil Patrick Harris for being a champ on How I met your Mother, Don draper for being don motherfucking draper, and Michael Bay.
Album of the year: TIE!
thats right bitches, its a tie, this has been by far the hardest choice of all my votes, because two UH-MAZING albums came out this year.
go on, this blog isn't going nowhere, I have all the time in the world.
you done? really? I doubt it, go do it again, I SAID DO IT FAGGOT, DO IT OR I'LL BEAT YOU LIKE YOU BEAT YOUR GODDAMN DICK, YOU LITTLE UNGRATEFUL TWATTANGOER.
there, are you done? do you not agree?
and in thiiis corner, weighing in at a hefty hefty 13 songs, the album THEM CROOKED VULLLTUUUURRRESS by the artist of the same name.
now, this is nothing against TCV, who are them crooked vultures? Josh Homme (who you might now as Ginger jesus, My favorite Musician and the current reigning god of rock) on vocals/guitar, Dave Grohl (known as primarily the guy in the foo fighters who everyone knows, kyle orton impersonator, drummer for nirvana, drummed for Queens of the stone age on the greatest album of the decade, the Thor to Hommes Odin , still a badass god and one you don't wanna fuck with, but Odin is the baddest of the bad) and finally, John Paul Jones on Bass (Led zeppelins bassist/all around guy, the best bassist to ever live.period) when news this band formed in late august, I nearly came in delight, the album drops, its just like you would imagine, all 3 guys just kicking back, eating turkey legs, drinking Jim bean from the bottle and punchfucking barely legal pussy, all in all, its such a kickass album its goddamn rediculous, but what would you expect out of 3 legends of rock? for Mastodon to achieve this level of success to match them is amazing, but sadly, it is a tie.
Movie of the year: Transformer 2: revenge of the fallen
I know I know "It wasn't as good as the first one! robot heaven was gay!" to be better than transformers 1 is like trying to be more awesome than Josh Homme, More Lose than Spencer Pratt and more, or have more candy than the cool houses at halloween who give out big candy, its just not done, people. Transformers 1 is the single greatest movie of all time, OF ALL TIME! here, lets have a quick rundown of whats in transformers 1.
Gratuititous fighting? Check
Tools getting pwned? checkdick jokes and hilarious masturbation references? check
too many hot girls? checkhot girl with a nose piercing? check
Hot australian girl with a nose piercing? checkMegan fox in various states of undress and dirty/sweaty? check
more explosions than at los almos 1945? checkRobots punching each other for no reason? check
annoying friend who is ditched after 15 minutes? check
dangerous amounts of kick ass and a heroic ending? check
Jon voight still pissed off he raised a stupid fatheaded twat of a daughter, who at the same time is SMOKIN hot? check
tell Me thats not a movie you don't wanna see, you already HAVE seen it, its called transformers 1. Transformers 2 has most of these as well (the annoying friend sticks around too long and looks like mark sanchez, the hot australian girl is replaced by a hot robot girl who I am not sure of her ethnicity) but it also adds robot testicles, parents getting high and making fools of themselves, Megan fox in leather (HOO RAH), old robots complaining, legs getting humped, OPTIMUS PRIME FUCKING DYING. it is the 2nd or 3rd best movie of the decade (depending where you put the Lord of the rings trilogy as a whole) so it only makes sense that transformers two wins Movie of the year, enjoy your golden gecko, Michael Bay.
and now, good tidings
Merry christmas to all who read this, I hope everyone has a kickass holiday, for those who I won't get to see during this christmas season, my best wishes to you all, since I don't do christmas cards. so Merry christmas to the gang, you know who you are, my cousins, and anyone who reads this who I can't see.
I wish you, yes, you, my reader, a merry christmas, and a happy new year, here's hoping 2010 sucks less.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Just a quickie (Warning! this isn't your typical silly post)
Disclaimer:
I know all 6 of you usually come for the laughs and stay for the explosions, but this is not that day, this is a serious goddamn post, so stick around
today is november 11th, veterans day. Normally I don't post this sort of "oh sappy holiday" bull, but veterans day is special, its unique. It is a truly american holiday, where we celebrate the truly important americans, not our congressmen, not our senators, not our presidents, not our supreme court justices, not our politicans, our writers, our demonstrators, No. Today is about soldiers, the people who have fought and died for us. They died for my right to write about dipshit parents and make jokes, they died so you can read this, they died so we could all live in a better, freer place, a place were Nicole ritchie is famous and good charlotte is liked, but a place were we have truly great people too, all of which would be for naught without our soldiers. so to any vets or current soldiers reading this, may God be with you today and every day, and I leave you with a comment I found on Kissing suzy kolber, one of the best blogs on earth, about today.
WHAT IS A VET
Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar,a certain look in the eye. Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pinholding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg – or perhaps another sortof inner steel: the soul’s ally forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem. You can’t tell a vet just by looking.
what is a vet?
He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallonsa day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn’t run out of fuel
He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hoursof exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.
She or he—is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing everynight for two solid years in Da Nang.
He is the POW who went away one person and came back another—or didn’t come back AT ALL.
He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat—but has savedcountless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members intoMarines, and teaching them to watch each other’s backs.
He is the parade—riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with aprosthetic hand.
He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.
He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence atthe Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all theanonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean’s sunless deep.
He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket—palsied now andaggravatingly slow—who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all daylong that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come
He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being—a person who offered some of his life’s most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificedhis ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.
He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothingmore than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nationever known.
So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say Thank You. That’s all most people need, and in most cases it will meanmore than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.
Two little words that mean a lot, “THANK YOU.”
Lastly, a quote
“It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press. Itis the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is thesoldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.”
Father Dennis Edward O’Brien, USMC
(no credit goes to me for any of the above except the parts I wrote credit to orton hears an oot in the KSK comments secrtion for getting it from footballguys.com)
thank you, and god bless
I know all 6 of you usually come for the laughs and stay for the explosions, but this is not that day, this is a serious goddamn post, so stick around
today is november 11th, veterans day. Normally I don't post this sort of "oh sappy holiday" bull, but veterans day is special, its unique. It is a truly american holiday, where we celebrate the truly important americans, not our congressmen, not our senators, not our presidents, not our supreme court justices, not our politicans, our writers, our demonstrators, No. Today is about soldiers, the people who have fought and died for us. They died for my right to write about dipshit parents and make jokes, they died so you can read this, they died so we could all live in a better, freer place, a place were Nicole ritchie is famous and good charlotte is liked, but a place were we have truly great people too, all of which would be for naught without our soldiers. so to any vets or current soldiers reading this, may God be with you today and every day, and I leave you with a comment I found on Kissing suzy kolber, one of the best blogs on earth, about today.
WHAT IS A VET
Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar,a certain look in the eye. Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pinholding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg – or perhaps another sortof inner steel: the soul’s ally forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem. You can’t tell a vet just by looking.
what is a vet?
He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallonsa day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn’t run out of fuel
He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hoursof exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.
She or he—is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing everynight for two solid years in Da Nang.
He is the POW who went away one person and came back another—or didn’t come back AT ALL.
He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat—but has savedcountless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members intoMarines, and teaching them to watch each other’s backs.
He is the parade—riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with aprosthetic hand.
He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.
He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence atthe Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all theanonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean’s sunless deep.
He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket—palsied now andaggravatingly slow—who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all daylong that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come
He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being—a person who offered some of his life’s most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificedhis ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.
He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothingmore than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nationever known.
So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say Thank You. That’s all most people need, and in most cases it will meanmore than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.
Two little words that mean a lot, “THANK YOU.”
Lastly, a quote
“It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press. Itis the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is thesoldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.”
Father Dennis Edward O’Brien, USMC
(no credit goes to me for any of the above except the parts I wrote credit to orton hears an oot in the KSK comments secrtion for getting it from footballguys.com)
thank you, and god bless
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Underrated shit in life
too often in life, things are underrated, one of my best friends once said "the three most underrated things in the world are cereal, sitting and flat ground" 2 outta 3 aint' bad (cereal's aiight at best), so Naturally kev, I have to top your ass.
ready bitches?
thing 1: good water fountains
lets paint this picture, your jogging through the park on a mildly hot day, lets say its 85 degrees fahrenheit (the only REAL system of tempreture, I'm looking at you, centigrade), decent humidity, and your sweating your balls off, which is odd, since your nuts are stuck to your taint by now, you forgot your water bottle at home, you are fucking dying of thirst like your a starving african boy, and then! salvation! a water fountain! tall glorious, covered in stone, its like the things dick but instead of clobbering times, it dispenses water! oh water! you run, hit that button and BANG! its warm, disgusting, its like your at R. Kellys house and your a 15 year old girl, its that uncomfortable warm where it tastes vaguely like piss and it is hardly refreshing.
go on, replace that with anything, a walk in school and you hit that warm fountain, it is disgusting and awful. worse yet is when the fountain is at a drinkable tempreture, but it shoots so damn low its like drinking from a goddamn stream, plus now theres a possibility you got chlymidia, and that will make you a real drag to hang out with, no one likes STDs anymore than they like Jon Gosselin or Kids Named Jackson, my god, now my blood is boiling. so what defines a good water fountain then? well, it has to shoot high, high enough I can bend down to drink it at a reasonable spot. It has to be cold, I like my water fountains roughly. 3 degrees above freezing, I drink them for fucking HOURS and am happy, holy shit, do I love that feeling, the feeling of ice cold pain on your teeth, it burns so good and I am refreshed as shit afterwards, oh, theres my erection popping up again, oh, there goes the roof as a result.
anyway, point I'm trying to make is you never appreciate that good cold water fountains, NEVER, Even I take these holy sacraments for granted.
Thing 2: Peace and goddamn quiet
who doesn't like peace and motherfucking quiet? terrorists, thats who. There are many benefits of being at community college (kickass water fountains and hot domb girls are at the top) but the big downside? Lotsa dumb people. I mean A LOT of dumb people. I mean more dumb people than at your average sorority/fraternity mixer. I am talking a whole shitload of dumb people. now I don't mind dumb people, some of my best friends (read: My brother) are dumb people. I just realized that dumb people lined up at the end of the last three lines. isn't that weird? fuckin look at that, thats gotta be a secret message, I'll send this post to dan brown so he can da vinci code that shit and I can make millions, no BILLIONS! then I shall be rich! Ha! Ha!
were the hell was I? oh right, dumb people
anyway, lots of dumb people can succeed (President Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Hilary clinton, the entire cast of twilight) but nothing, NOTHING irks me like loud motherfuckers. were I spend a majority of my time at school, the library, has recently been taken over by loud people. its a library motherfuckers, not a chatatorium, my god, do these People anger me, hogging all the computers and seats and being general bags of shit. on their cell phones, yelling to each other across the room, its a wonder I have stopped talking/caring in school (kidding, I love school), but my god, when I get home nothing makes me happier than peace and fucking quiet, who likes working in loudass environments? no one, thats who. its fucking annoying to try and let your top flight humor flow when you can hear motherfuckers talking about how ghettoliscious they are, makes me want to fucking remove some eyeballs with a melon baller.
Thursdays
people will tell you friday is the best day of the week, or saturday. these people couldn't be more wrong, thursday is the goddamn best day of the week, and its not close. Want Proof? first, friday is a throwaway day in your work or school week, no one cares on friday. second, decent people go out on thursday nights, nothing but dipshits go out on fridays and chill, brah. or slutty dirty people like the olson twins or your Mom. thirdly, football is played on thursday, both good pro and good college, is football played on friday, gay high school football excepted? I do believe a no has to be checked in that box, don't you friend? Is the best TV of the goddamn week on fridays? the only thing on fridays Is Degrassi, and thats been going downhill since they stabbed JT and let him die in a puddle of another mans pee. Is the best TV on thursdays? fuck and yes it is. Community, The Office, 30 Rock, Always sunny and the league? fuck to the yiz-es, it is. I believe without a doubt thursday is the best day of the week, it has everything lofty days should have, opportunities to drink, kickass tv and football is all you need to have a good fucking day.
and now, a kwanzaa gecko special announcement!
Happy thanksgiving, I just fooled you into thinking i had something important to say, and welcome back to all my homies from summer, god damn I missed you fuckers more than words or pubic hair currency can express, so yeah, welcome back
and now, a kwanzaa gecko special announcement!
Happy thanksgiving, I just fooled you into thinking i had something important to say, and welcome back to all my homies from summer, god damn I missed you fuckers more than words or pubic hair currency can express, so yeah, welcome back
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Oh fuck, another kid named Jayden! how to properly name your child
this sort of goes hand in hand with the "dipshit parents raise dipshit kids" Philosophy, but is it just me, or have normal, non batshit names gone out the window in favor of shit that isn't a name? heres a list some of the top boys names of 2008
Aiden, Kayden, Jaden, Jackson, Logan, Tyler, Taylor, Carson, Carter
notice a trend? all of these names are dipshits. you name your son kayden? congrats, your contributing to the growing population of bros, that kid will grow up and love lacrosse, hate laughter, enjoy the music of good charlotte, and hate all things wonderful and good. so then, for you, the average reader, what should I name my kid so he doesn't grow up to be the kind of person who warrants a mallet to the kidneys? oh thats easy.
you go simple, badass names
Names like Michael, Paul, Nicholas, Phillip, Andrew, simple names, no funny spellings, no phillip with an F, no Nikolas, spell it right, motherfuckers. or if your feeling badass, rock a cool foreign name like Sven, or Axel, shit, if you name your son axel, theres a 100 percent chance that he will grow up to be one of these things:
1. lumberjack
2. Metal guitarist
3. a badass lumberjack metal guitarist
ain't no fags named axel, its just the rules people. if you name your son a black name and your white, anything starting with ja and then a name, jamarcus, Jamatthew, I've seen some jermichaels, or in girls cases, la, lakeisha, latoya, lavender, then you are naming your son wrong (read: if your a halfie half, you can name your kid a ja or a la, but I don't want to see white kids with extremely black names). now of course, you may be asking, oh wise kwanzaa gecko, what shall you name your kid? simple, bitch, an easy name
if its a boy:
after Me or the old man, or my grandpa, alternatively, Lincoln or Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. if all those fail, then a solid name like George or Malcolm
if its a girl:
fuck, I had a girl? I'm giving it back, I want a mulligan. I can't? fuck, I guess whatever Mrs Gecko wants in that case, but if I have to choose, after my grandma would be good.
by the way, do you know what sucks? when it feels like you have inhaled fucking iron scraps into your lungs so your coughs are loud and violent, sort of like your mom in bed, holy fuck, do I hate this, I have been fighting a cold for the past 2 weeks or so, fading in and out, it is fucking HELL. God damn, am I pissed, my lungs fucking ACHE, its a horrible horrible world populated exclusively by me, its like I'm trapped on an island, but instead of an island, its a blood curdling cough that makes me wonder if I am dying slowly of lung rot, and man, I wish I had more to rant about, sadly I do not, so I am going to go fucking shoot my lungs and steal michael phelps' so I can breathe like a fucking champ.
by the way, do you know what sucks? when it feels like you have inhaled fucking iron scraps into your lungs so your coughs are loud and violent, sort of like your mom in bed, holy fuck, do I hate this, I have been fighting a cold for the past 2 weeks or so, fading in and out, it is fucking HELL. God damn, am I pissed, my lungs fucking ACHE, its a horrible horrible world populated exclusively by me, its like I'm trapped on an island, but instead of an island, its a blood curdling cough that makes me wonder if I am dying slowly of lung rot, and man, I wish I had more to rant about, sadly I do not, so I am going to go fucking shoot my lungs and steal michael phelps' so I can breathe like a fucking champ.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
American Heroes and how to be an american
ok, do I have to do this opening? I'm a fucking STAR now, everyone knows this! I don't DO opening, send out jimenez to do it, I am going to sit in my trailer and masturbate furiously to playboy playmates, thank you very much.
what?
I'm not a star?
and I just did my opening anyway (heh heh, did your moms opening) shut up, inner voice!
whats my topic? america? I can dig that like I'm an 1850's california gold miner. BAM! History puns!
some great americans:
1. George Motherfucking washington
to NOT have George Motherfucking washington on a list of great americans is like having a list of the most lose people on earth and forgetting the french, its ri-fuckingdiculous, and you should be hit with rocks for being that dumb. why is George motherfucking washington american? do I have to answer that? DO I? fine, I will
1. flew on a dragon to fight the british, EVERYONE KNOWS THIS
2. only man ever (EVER) to beat the british empire. Yep, no one else beat em, germany? ass beatings from britain? france? france can't beat anyone. Spain? I'm pretty sure they don't fight. nope, only George MOTHERFUCKING washington has ever beaten the brits, shit, he even beat em near the top of their power, he and his generals (but most of those guys aren't awesome)
3. first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen, Washington was a general asskicker. do you know who fucked with washington from 1775 till he died? fuckin no one, thats who bitch. Washingtons semen inpregnated lady liberty, and out popped afuckingmerica. He is the father of america, and to not have george MOTHERFUCKING washington on this list is sad, and he's #1.
Person 2: Michael bay
oh, do I really have to? go read the michael bay article, He's like washingtons son, bitch.
Person 3: George Herman "Babe" Ruth
Babe ruth is to sports what washington is to freedom and liberty, in that both are the fathers of both, oh sure, the ideas and stuff existed before them, but who was the one to put them into practice? Babe ruth, thats who. Babe ruth was the ideal fucking american. He ate like a champ, drank like a boss, he was the king of fuck mountain, and he smoked cigars regularly. nowadays, a guy like that would be torn apart in the modern media as a bad influence, but the babe loved kids, not like Michael Jackson, Babe ruth created little league. Betcha didn't know that, didja? see, I'm capable of whipping out my facticles and plopping them down on the table for you to admire their sheer size weight and hairyness, not just easy tit jokes or nut butter puns here, nope, I got facts, bitch, so see my facticles? all laid out nicely on the table? suck it
THATS RIGHT BITCH, SUCK MY FACTS LIKE THEY WERE CANDY!!!!
oh, back to ruth.
Yeah, He created sports because he also helped create the best time in sports history, the new york motherfucking yankees, who have won more than I have and over a longer stretch of time.
what?
I'm not a star?
and I just did my opening anyway (heh heh, did your moms opening) shut up, inner voice!
whats my topic? america? I can dig that like I'm an 1850's california gold miner. BAM! History puns!
some great americans:
1. George Motherfucking washington
to NOT have George Motherfucking washington on a list of great americans is like having a list of the most lose people on earth and forgetting the french, its ri-fuckingdiculous, and you should be hit with rocks for being that dumb. why is George motherfucking washington american? do I have to answer that? DO I? fine, I will
1. flew on a dragon to fight the british, EVERYONE KNOWS THIS
2. only man ever (EVER) to beat the british empire. Yep, no one else beat em, germany? ass beatings from britain? france? france can't beat anyone. Spain? I'm pretty sure they don't fight. nope, only George MOTHERFUCKING washington has ever beaten the brits, shit, he even beat em near the top of their power, he and his generals (but most of those guys aren't awesome)
3. first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen, Washington was a general asskicker. do you know who fucked with washington from 1775 till he died? fuckin no one, thats who bitch. Washingtons semen inpregnated lady liberty, and out popped afuckingmerica. He is the father of america, and to not have george MOTHERFUCKING washington on this list is sad, and he's #1.
Person 2: Michael bay
oh, do I really have to? go read the michael bay article, He's like washingtons son, bitch.
Person 3: George Herman "Babe" Ruth
Babe ruth is to sports what washington is to freedom and liberty, in that both are the fathers of both, oh sure, the ideas and stuff existed before them, but who was the one to put them into practice? Babe ruth, thats who. Babe ruth was the ideal fucking american. He ate like a champ, drank like a boss, he was the king of fuck mountain, and he smoked cigars regularly. nowadays, a guy like that would be torn apart in the modern media as a bad influence, but the babe loved kids, not like Michael Jackson, Babe ruth created little league. Betcha didn't know that, didja? see, I'm capable of whipping out my facticles and plopping them down on the table for you to admire their sheer size weight and hairyness, not just easy tit jokes or nut butter puns here, nope, I got facts, bitch, so see my facticles? all laid out nicely on the table? suck it
THATS RIGHT BITCH, SUCK MY FACTS LIKE THEY WERE CANDY!!!!
oh, back to ruth.
Yeah, He created sports because he also helped create the best time in sports history, the new york motherfucking yankees, who have won more than I have and over a longer stretch of time.
now, how does one aquire the title, American? Americsan is the ultimate title, for lock of a better word, it sums up everything that is great, awesome, win, tits and kickass, to be called an american is a few steps below being god, but quite a few above victory master.
so do you become an american?
1. you must love america (obvious)
2. no really, you gotta love america
3. I'm not shitting you, you gotta love it more than you do fucking anything
4. you have to own at least 1 american flag and at least article of clothing with the american flag on it
5. can you sing the star spangled banner? good
6. America is fucking flawless, because I said so.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Nerds need to be pummelled, just some though, and the Kwanzaa gecko Hatestitution
ok, I am a bit of a nerd, let me be straight up real straight up with you guys, I love star wars, lord of the rings, Lost and some (SOME) anime, I have my dorky side, but don't we all? but something recently has come to my attention:
way too many of these fat fucks of basement dwellers need to get lives.
Now we've all heard this rant (MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOMS BASEMENT YOU FAT FUCKS) but over the past 10 years, with stuff like cheap cable modems, youtubes rise and the fact that deviantart is around are all major factors in this rise to fatosity. Now, lots of these basement nerds need a swift kick in the ass, because do you know what I never hear out of them? positivity. let me give you some examples
Watchmen:
anyone who saw watchmen can tell you, it was a lofty movie, had everything you could want, great cinematography, tits, explosions, flamethrowers, glowing blue dong, fucking everything. but what do the dork mafia say? wah wah, it should be a mini series, Zach snyder is ruining MY happiness, MY dreams, How dare he! to you, I kindly say, fuck yourselves with a curling iron. Zach Snyder and the rest of them do not exist to please you, you fat fuck, he exists to make absolutely Baysian (Michael Bay like) movies for the masses, featuring explosions fighting and sex. grow up! you and your message board strokebuddies don't count as "the majority".
Animefags:
do I really have to do this? I mean, come on, this is like shooting fish in a barrell...with a shotgun...that shoots bombs... Do I have to point out the obvious here? Animefags have more whine in them than the french and a southern california vineyard. "waaah, my favorite anime IS NOT FOR KIDS, IT IS A FUCKING SERIOUS.GODDAMN.SHOW" bro, in Japan, a lot of them are meant for kids. Now, I'm not gonna be that guy who says "anime sux lolroffle" cause anime does not suck. there is some generally badass anime out there, Dragonball Z, Yu Yu Hakusho, Naruto, all of these animes feature gratuitious fighting and plenty of explosions, Sailor moon has tits and short skirts for my pervy side, and Trigun is just fucking awesome. but the people who like anime, the ones who complain about "how america is RUINING it, they are butchering it" Die.now. You are a waste of my precious oxygen and food supply (not that they eat more than cheetos and mountain dew anyway). No one cares about your online petition, fag, to get uncut subbed episodes of fushugi I dunno, lets say sam, on DVD so you can spend Mommys Money on it, grow up, stop buying anime figurines and eating pocky, you smelly unshaven weirdo, and being a general drain on society, you're fat and nobody likes you, my god, my hate for you is almost as bad as my Hate for bros.
speaking of hate, Many have asked Me "Kwanzaa gecko, you are amazing, but why all the hate? and why only to bros" simple, Hating is who I am, thus, the hatestitution was born. whats a hatestitution? its a hate constitution, my rules of hating shit, here we go bitches, sign the hatestitution.
rule Uno: compound swear words are the best swear words (fucksucker, douchesmuggler, shitstraddler)
rule the 2nd: Hating is natural, don't listen to what people say when Hating is bad, Hating is amazing, provided you channel it right (IE, don't kill anyone)
rule numero three: no one is spared in hate, Bros, Nerds, blacks, whites, crippled people, all have reasons to want them covered in tar and dragged behind a car on a gravel road.
Part quatro, son: Hating everything and everyone doesn't make you rascist, sexist, elitist, it makes you a hater.
cinco: Hating is trolling, trolling is hating
I don't have a funny word for six: all of the above must be followed
seven, one of eleven:if someone cries as a result of hating, its their fault for being bitches and not being able to take your hate.
ocho: 95 percent of people and things deserve more hate.
Numbah neun, numbah neun, numbah neun: Hate boners are the best kind of boners
10: this is the last part of the hatestitution (heh, tits)
way too many of these fat fucks of basement dwellers need to get lives.
Now we've all heard this rant (MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOMS BASEMENT YOU FAT FUCKS) but over the past 10 years, with stuff like cheap cable modems, youtubes rise and the fact that deviantart is around are all major factors in this rise to fatosity. Now, lots of these basement nerds need a swift kick in the ass, because do you know what I never hear out of them? positivity. let me give you some examples
Watchmen:
anyone who saw watchmen can tell you, it was a lofty movie, had everything you could want, great cinematography, tits, explosions, flamethrowers, glowing blue dong, fucking everything. but what do the dork mafia say? wah wah, it should be a mini series, Zach snyder is ruining MY happiness, MY dreams, How dare he! to you, I kindly say, fuck yourselves with a curling iron. Zach Snyder and the rest of them do not exist to please you, you fat fuck, he exists to make absolutely Baysian (Michael Bay like) movies for the masses, featuring explosions fighting and sex. grow up! you and your message board strokebuddies don't count as "the majority".
Animefags:
do I really have to do this? I mean, come on, this is like shooting fish in a barrell...with a shotgun...that shoots bombs... Do I have to point out the obvious here? Animefags have more whine in them than the french and a southern california vineyard. "waaah, my favorite anime IS NOT FOR KIDS, IT IS A FUCKING SERIOUS.GODDAMN.SHOW" bro, in Japan, a lot of them are meant for kids. Now, I'm not gonna be that guy who says "anime sux lolroffle" cause anime does not suck. there is some generally badass anime out there, Dragonball Z, Yu Yu Hakusho, Naruto, all of these animes feature gratuitious fighting and plenty of explosions, Sailor moon has tits and short skirts for my pervy side, and Trigun is just fucking awesome. but the people who like anime, the ones who complain about "how america is RUINING it, they are butchering it" Die.now. You are a waste of my precious oxygen and food supply (not that they eat more than cheetos and mountain dew anyway). No one cares about your online petition, fag, to get uncut subbed episodes of fushugi I dunno, lets say sam, on DVD so you can spend Mommys Money on it, grow up, stop buying anime figurines and eating pocky, you smelly unshaven weirdo, and being a general drain on society, you're fat and nobody likes you, my god, my hate for you is almost as bad as my Hate for bros.
speaking of hate, Many have asked Me "Kwanzaa gecko, you are amazing, but why all the hate? and why only to bros" simple, Hating is who I am, thus, the hatestitution was born. whats a hatestitution? its a hate constitution, my rules of hating shit, here we go bitches, sign the hatestitution.
rule Uno: compound swear words are the best swear words (fucksucker, douchesmuggler, shitstraddler)
rule the 2nd: Hating is natural, don't listen to what people say when Hating is bad, Hating is amazing, provided you channel it right (IE, don't kill anyone)
rule numero three: no one is spared in hate, Bros, Nerds, blacks, whites, crippled people, all have reasons to want them covered in tar and dragged behind a car on a gravel road.
Part quatro, son: Hating everything and everyone doesn't make you rascist, sexist, elitist, it makes you a hater.
cinco: Hating is trolling, trolling is hating
I don't have a funny word for six: all of the above must be followed
seven, one of eleven:if someone cries as a result of hating, its their fault for being bitches and not being able to take your hate.
ocho: 95 percent of people and things deserve more hate.
Numbah neun, numbah neun, numbah neun: Hate boners are the best kind of boners
10: this is the last part of the hatestitution (heh, tits)
Thursday, August 27, 2009
a definitive list of the 5 biggest Winners in Television History
5. Dexter Morgan:
first and foremost, Look at dexter motherfucking Morgan. swell cat, Forensic Scientist working for the Miami PD solving Murders, Porking Hot single Mothers, oh, and he's a fucking serial killer . Normally, serial Killers are smelly weirdos who either pop a serious stiffy from killing, or eat their victims, or if they're jeffery Dahmer, both. Dexter Morgan? Nah son, Dexter abides by a fucking killing code, He only kills Murderers who have evaded Justice, like a fucking Bounty Hunter. He Killed His Brother who looks nothing like him because he tried to murder his (adopted) sister. He also is a fucking genius, evading capture like I evade Fall out boys music. what Makes Dexter a total pimp? well, his girlfriends hot as shit, he doesn't give a fuck who he kills, provided they killed before, Women, Men, old people, children, white, black, Dexter Morgan is an equal oppritunity badass.
4. the entire fucking bluth family:
to say I love Arrested Development is an understatement. If Arrested Development were a woman, she'd be my super hot, super down to earth wife who cooked like Alton Brown and cleaned like a fucking boss who'd always have cold beer and warm pussy. In short, Arrested Development is fucking PERFECT, it is the best TV show ever, if only on the principle that there are no bad episodes of it, all the episodes are side splittingly hilarious. To pick one AD characcer out of this victorious line up is near impossible, so the solid choice is the entire fucking bluth family, which is a total cop out, but fuck you in the toes on this one. You Got Jason Bateman as one of the best straight men in comedy history, managing to be totally dickish and the only sane one. Michael cera before he was the annoying hipster awkward kid being a funny awkward kid who wants to pork his cousin. Will Arnett as GOB, and nothing more needs to be said about that since I don't want to ruin the joy that is GOB. David Cross as Portia Del Rossis Ambiguously sexual Husband (at best), and Buster whose name I can't remember as an awkward Mamas boy in his 30s's, Alia Shakwat as Tobias and Lindsays Daughter, and she is kind of not funny, but still manages to kick ass. sorry, let me put away my raging ADrection, because you have to watch this fucking show to realise that all the bluths are badass motherfuckers.
3. Don Draper:
Before I start this, let me be clear: Don Draper is everything a Man should be. 3 piece suit? check. Scotch drinker? Check. Having sex with various ho's, ranging from beatnik weirdos to rich spanish girls and all in between? check. Devoted family man? hoo boy, check. Don Draper is a fucking pimp. Look at him! the Main Character of the fantastic Mad Men (which I would put as another ensamble thing, but I don't like Peggy enough, though Pete and Roger and Joan are all epic in their own way), Draper suffers from a bit of an identity crisis, I won't spoil anything because that wouldn't be cool, but Don Draper is a total fucking champ. He is a complex man, a cheater who loves His wife (you would too, January Jones is fucking fine), he loves his children enough to not hang out with them, he wears a fedora and a duster, and smokes like a champ (sadly, not cigars, or else He might top my list of badasses in history, period). He sticks up for women when he has to, He deals with his shit, but doesn't gossip like the guys at work, but is more than capable of ruling not only your shit, but your sisters and your cousins shit as well just by being that amazing at life, the universe and everything. I reaaally want to spoil what goes down, but that isn't fun, go watch mad men, fool.
4. (tie) Desmond hume, Ben Linus, John Locke
(sorry for the funny formatting, its a bitch to get them in a row like ducks)
now why are these 3 men badasses? Desmond for one, Has more flashes than a woman in menopause, and your never quite sure whether desmond is flashing back, flashing forward, flashing sideways, appearing on another show, plus he is a crazed drinking scotsman who is in love with a hot british girl, has a son, and eludes death like a fucking warrior, oh, and he calls everyone he meets brutha, threatens a bald britishman, and has the single most tear jerker moment in all of Lost. Ben Linus is a total winner, who can do things such as summon the fucking smoke monster of the island, know all your islands secrets, get your leader deported, kill both his parents on his birthday (his mom in childbirth, so it kinda counts), go into the jungle and meet crazy people and get shot by sayid (another epic winner), oh and the ending to the shape of things to come is fucking amazing, and its all Ben Ben Ben, He will impersonate a Black Man, get his shit rocked, and he is always in fucking control of everything. Locke? Locke is the guy who goes hunting for the mystery, always is at the center of shit, and He is a total badass throughout, whether using a throwing knife to kill a british woman, hunting boar, discovering hatches or demanding Ben tell him some secrets, Locke always seems to be doin something cool and fucking shit up, be it an underground base or a submarine.
5. Joel McHale
Joel McHale Hosts the best show on TV right now in terms of making me laugh my ass off, the soup. whats on the soup? simply: its a clip show, normally fail, but mchale makes it work. How? He's totally a dick to those who have it coming. black girls on maury? mocked. little fat kids who claim bacon is good for them? hopes ruined. Tyra banks fat jokes? more than you can handle, pussy. Joel McHale, for lack of a better word, is the worlds first televised troll, he gets 30 minutes a week to ruin your shit with hilarity. whether its skanks, shows about toy trains or remarks about men in their basement playing with their organs, Joel McHale is there with a dickish remark and a pimps smile. He is quite literally, everything right with tv.
Monday, August 24, 2009
a variety of encycbropedia brotannica entriettes
I know I know "Kwanzaa Gecko, since you took a siesta, my life has lacked meaning, a communist bro moved in next door and he hates michael bay, what do I do to prevent myself from finishing my pathetic existance?" oh simple, Brian, I got some brand spanking new ENYCBROPEDIA BROTANNICA entries, fresh off the presses!
Brotein:
Brotein is a noun, and it is what all bros need to survive, without absorbing enough brotein in the day, a bros hair will turn normal, his skin to a color that doesn't resemble fruit, he will become a functional member of society, he will also change his name from chad to something that doesn't give me an urge to poison his food so his kidneys shut down. where can brotein be found you ask? well, little child, it is hard. Brotein can be absorbed in the scalp (Hairgel and other bros semen is a common way to get brotein from the head to the brain, which is bathing in douche juice) or brotein is the secret ingredient in monster energy drinks, it can also be found in natty beer and in 90 percent of the food in boston and Los angeles. a regular cool cat, after absorbing enough brotein, turns into a bro. Brotein is also the main scent in axe body spray.
Broasting:
Broasting is the main way bros prefer their food prepared (note I say prepared, as bros are too stupid to cook without setting themselves or their cornholing buddies into shishkabrobs, which is a group of grilled bros impaled on a stake). Broasting a food takes out all the happiness, joy and tastiness in it, similar to a process done when you go to a vegitarian resturant and order chilli, and instead replaces it with lose, sadness and the tears of children, all of which taste vaguely like unwashed buttcheeks, i mean, have you ever had a veggie burger? holy shit on toast, that is just pure sadness in food form, it doesn't even taste like anything but ground up veggies in a patty, its fucking rabbit food and it disgusts me as a red-blooded hetero american male that we allow this injustice, these fuckers deserve to all go suffer through leprosy of the anus. anyway, broasting is vile, and all the food tastes like pure shit when it is broasted.
Brophecy:
a Brophecy is a prediction made by a bro wizard, which sadly I need to think of a clever term for. unlike regular prophechies, which usually involve epic ninjas fighting and a 600 percent chance of big tits raining from the sky while Josh Homme porks your Mom and viking metal playing with at least 200 fires and 300 bolts of lightning raining down, a Brophecy is totally gay. think of the gayest thing you've ever heard, maybe someone goes on a rant about how you duel a friend and take out the clip of the gun, maybe its a fire tornado fighting a hurricane, maybe its just accidentally listening to hardcore french fisting gay porn, and times it by 9000, you have what happens in a brophecy, let me demonstrate:
Bro 1: Oh great wise Bro Chad
Chad: sup brah, you want some brotein shakes? we can sit back and listen to jack johnson brah, what do you want? I have to go yell at my girlfriend for being too feminine for Me, Brah.
Bro 1: How much Natty can I consume at the bro faila losa cookout tonight?
Chad: 20 brah, lest you drink too much and die brah.
there, thats a brophecy.
Brohio:
Brohio is the eden of bros, where all bros come from, where bro adam and chad first hung out and got their bro on. the capital of brohio is new brorleans (pronounced brohr-leans), and among its provinces are aribrona (home of douchey southern bros), Broklahoma (weirdo western bros who dress like cowboys) Bronnecticut (WASP bros who all go to HAWLY FACKIN CRAWS) and Bronolulu (really western sufer bros who do ecstasy, the douchiest and most useless of all drugs). each province has its own uniqueness, which I will go into in a later entry. All Bros eventually make the Pilgrimage back to Brohio and have a brong there which can last for an eternity.
since summer is ending, I'd like to say something poignant/gay:
thanks to funk, K-man, chris, rob (HI ROB!), Poop AKA Bwoody knuckwes, Syd, and My brother for giving me a summer for the ages, and good luck next year in school readers conor and anyone I forgot, sorry, but remember one thing: all 7 of my readers, you're balling
oh, I also tweet lemme get that URL, don't change the site! no don't go to facebook!
ah here it is http://twitter.com/kwanzaagecko
Brotein:
Brotein is a noun, and it is what all bros need to survive, without absorbing enough brotein in the day, a bros hair will turn normal, his skin to a color that doesn't resemble fruit, he will become a functional member of society, he will also change his name from chad to something that doesn't give me an urge to poison his food so his kidneys shut down. where can brotein be found you ask? well, little child, it is hard. Brotein can be absorbed in the scalp (Hairgel and other bros semen is a common way to get brotein from the head to the brain, which is bathing in douche juice) or brotein is the secret ingredient in monster energy drinks, it can also be found in natty beer and in 90 percent of the food in boston and Los angeles. a regular cool cat, after absorbing enough brotein, turns into a bro. Brotein is also the main scent in axe body spray.
Broasting:
Broasting is the main way bros prefer their food prepared (note I say prepared, as bros are too stupid to cook without setting themselves or their cornholing buddies into shishkabrobs, which is a group of grilled bros impaled on a stake). Broasting a food takes out all the happiness, joy and tastiness in it, similar to a process done when you go to a vegitarian resturant and order chilli, and instead replaces it with lose, sadness and the tears of children, all of which taste vaguely like unwashed buttcheeks, i mean, have you ever had a veggie burger? holy shit on toast, that is just pure sadness in food form, it doesn't even taste like anything but ground up veggies in a patty, its fucking rabbit food and it disgusts me as a red-blooded hetero american male that we allow this injustice, these fuckers deserve to all go suffer through leprosy of the anus. anyway, broasting is vile, and all the food tastes like pure shit when it is broasted.
Brophecy:
a Brophecy is a prediction made by a bro wizard, which sadly I need to think of a clever term for. unlike regular prophechies, which usually involve epic ninjas fighting and a 600 percent chance of big tits raining from the sky while Josh Homme porks your Mom and viking metal playing with at least 200 fires and 300 bolts of lightning raining down, a Brophecy is totally gay. think of the gayest thing you've ever heard, maybe someone goes on a rant about how you duel a friend and take out the clip of the gun, maybe its a fire tornado fighting a hurricane, maybe its just accidentally listening to hardcore french fisting gay porn, and times it by 9000, you have what happens in a brophecy, let me demonstrate:
Bro 1: Oh great wise Bro Chad
Chad: sup brah, you want some brotein shakes? we can sit back and listen to jack johnson brah, what do you want? I have to go yell at my girlfriend for being too feminine for Me, Brah.
Bro 1: How much Natty can I consume at the bro faila losa cookout tonight?
Chad: 20 brah, lest you drink too much and die brah.
there, thats a brophecy.
Brohio:
Brohio is the eden of bros, where all bros come from, where bro adam and chad first hung out and got their bro on. the capital of brohio is new brorleans (pronounced brohr-leans), and among its provinces are aribrona (home of douchey southern bros), Broklahoma (weirdo western bros who dress like cowboys) Bronnecticut (WASP bros who all go to HAWLY FACKIN CRAWS) and Bronolulu (really western sufer bros who do ecstasy, the douchiest and most useless of all drugs). each province has its own uniqueness, which I will go into in a later entry. All Bros eventually make the Pilgrimage back to Brohio and have a brong there which can last for an eternity.
since summer is ending, I'd like to say something poignant/gay:
thanks to funk, K-man, chris, rob (HI ROB!), Poop AKA Bwoody knuckwes, Syd, and My brother for giving me a summer for the ages, and good luck next year in school readers conor and anyone I forgot, sorry, but remember one thing: all 7 of my readers, you're balling
oh, I also tweet lemme get that URL, don't change the site! no don't go to facebook!
ah here it is http://twitter.com/kwanzaagecko
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Vegans suck, here's why!
very few things make my blood boil like the sight of a vegan. whats a Vegan? a Vegans like a Vegitarian (who i have no problems with, I know lots of ballin vegitarians) but with a whole lotta self importance clogging his ass. a Vegan will not eat ANYTHING to do with animals, including milk, cheese, honey and the prized bulls urine of uzbekistan, on the basis that humans should not eat eat for ethical reasons. um, hello? we're omnivores, dawg. we eat FUCKING EVERYTHING, from Meat to veggies, and both are necessities for your diet to be healthy and well rounded. and if a vegan cares so much about the emotions and feelings of the animals they eat, why do not feel for the countless tiny animals killed by wheat threshers, seed drills, and other farming technology, after all, those are animals too, after all.
the point is 99 percent of vegans are hypocrites who believe, quite simply, man is designed to do something he simply isn't, live without meat. and besides, what is considered vegan delicacy? leaves? Eggplant? those are side dishes, have you ever bitten into good steak and not been like "this is fucking delicious, how do people give up meat?" I do all the time, meat is, for lack of a better word, the orgasm of foods. here, lets rate meat kids on a scale of 1 to 5
Beef: 10/5
you ever meet bad beef? no, you know why? no such thing. Beef is tasty any way,, any cut, any slice of beef you get, it 100 percent guaranteed to be fucking delicious, ground of not, fuck, you ever have a cheeseburger? motherfucker, I could eat 10 of those goddamn things like they were nothing. and beef also has the kings of meat on its side: the t-bone steak, porterhouse and filet fucking mignon, which are the only french words that don't mean surrender.
pork: 10000000/5:
Pork mainly goes this high because of two simple words: ba-con, thats right bitch, the king of food, period. Bacon, I'd use all of Jim Gaffigan bacon rant here, but that would be insulting, so I will simply quote a wise friend of mine " Bacon is the meat form of candy" Bacon is simply perfect, facon does not do it justice, nor do turkey or chicken bacon, but shit, bacons like Gemma atkinson humping scarlett Johannson while Queens of the stone age plays in the background, all set to an american flag background and with at least 30 explosions, and then multiply by over 9000, your good. also, pork has sweet and sour pork, and tasty tasty pork roll aka taylor ham, which is dandy for breakfest.
chicken: 4/5
chicken is solid, if unspectacular, its a safe bet at resturants, makes such decadent treats as fried chicken, general tso's chicken and buffalo chicken. on the downside, chicken can be messed up, not like beef or pork, chicken divan is a prime example of this, broccoli and a strange sauce? no thanks hank, on the other hand, when done right, suck as chicken parmesean, chicken teriyaki and chicken fajitas, chicken rivals beef and pork for sheer amazingness, but when failed, chicken is bro levels of fail, because how can you ruin something so damned delicious and perfect and wonderful?
the point is 99 percent of vegans are hypocrites who believe, quite simply, man is designed to do something he simply isn't, live without meat. and besides, what is considered vegan delicacy? leaves? Eggplant? those are side dishes, have you ever bitten into good steak and not been like "this is fucking delicious, how do people give up meat?" I do all the time, meat is, for lack of a better word, the orgasm of foods. here, lets rate meat kids on a scale of 1 to 5
Beef: 10/5
you ever meet bad beef? no, you know why? no such thing. Beef is tasty any way,, any cut, any slice of beef you get, it 100 percent guaranteed to be fucking delicious, ground of not, fuck, you ever have a cheeseburger? motherfucker, I could eat 10 of those goddamn things like they were nothing. and beef also has the kings of meat on its side: the t-bone steak, porterhouse and filet fucking mignon, which are the only french words that don't mean surrender.
pork: 10000000/5:
Pork mainly goes this high because of two simple words: ba-con, thats right bitch, the king of food, period. Bacon, I'd use all of Jim Gaffigan bacon rant here, but that would be insulting, so I will simply quote a wise friend of mine " Bacon is the meat form of candy" Bacon is simply perfect, facon does not do it justice, nor do turkey or chicken bacon, but shit, bacons like Gemma atkinson humping scarlett Johannson while Queens of the stone age plays in the background, all set to an american flag background and with at least 30 explosions, and then multiply by over 9000, your good. also, pork has sweet and sour pork, and tasty tasty pork roll aka taylor ham, which is dandy for breakfest.
chicken: 4/5
chicken is solid, if unspectacular, its a safe bet at resturants, makes such decadent treats as fried chicken, general tso's chicken and buffalo chicken. on the downside, chicken can be messed up, not like beef or pork, chicken divan is a prime example of this, broccoli and a strange sauce? no thanks hank, on the other hand, when done right, suck as chicken parmesean, chicken teriyaki and chicken fajitas, chicken rivals beef and pork for sheer amazingness, but when failed, chicken is bro levels of fail, because how can you ruin something so damned delicious and perfect and wonderful?
Saturday, July 11, 2009
if your a boy and ride quad, your a douche and how to be a kickass parent
I am hanging out in my backyard today, reading a nice book (Men with Balls by Drew Magary, if you must know) when out of nowhere, ZOOM! some little fuck drives behind My house with a quad. whats a quad? its an ATV, an all terrain vehicle, used by people like i presume park rangers and mountain riders. but if you are a guy under 16 and own a quad and live in suburbia, congrats! your a bro in the making. no vehicle is more inherently useless and shitty than a quad in suburbia, bike that route, bro. normally, I am not an environmental advocate, but for fucks sake, do you not see why we have a gas problem? because dipshit parents who can't raise their kids as kids, and try to make them their best friends, give their little dipshits whatever they want, and have to buy gas to fill up little johnnys useless fucking death device, thus driving the price of gas up for fuckers who need cars, just so you, a dipshit raising a littler dipshit, can make sure your kid likes you. I Guarantee you, my kid will not like me, I will not cave on his every demand or cater to his every whim, allow me to show you a glimpse into the future, bitches.
Kwanzaa gecklet: Dad, can I have-
Kwanzaa gecko: No
Kwanzaa Gecklet: But Dad I-
Kwanzaa gecko: is it your birthday?
Kwanzaa gecklet: No but-
Kwanzaa gecko: is it christmas?
Kwanzaa gecklet: No But timmy at school
Kwanzaa gecko: Listen son, timmy at school is a spoiled bitch, and when he finally has to sit down and start earning shit, that little fuck will be up a shit creek without toilet paper, eventually spiraling downward into a crack addicted skinny weirdo who smells vaguely like gorgonzolla cheese and turns tricks for fat businessmen, inevitably dying a young death of whom no one will remember or care. Now do you want that? do you want to be addicted to crack?
Kwanzaa gecklet: I wanna move in with timmy!
Kwanzaa gecko: go right ahead, saves me a call to the police when I know where you are, now one day, you will be happy I didn't give you everything you wanted, because it gives you a sense of entitlement. do you wanna end up a shitsucking brody jenner spencer pratt douchemaster of the known universe? no you don't, because if you do, you're outta the will, and you don't get my robot dinosaur and mastodon car, and I will choke you to death on your own self tanner.
Kwanzaa gecklet
END SCENE SUCKAS
Point is, if you give your kid a quad, and you live in fucking suburbia, where its a developed neighborhood, I hope your next child drinks gasoline and then burns himself from the inside out, you fuck of a parent
Kwanzaa gecklet
Kwanzaa gecko
Kwanzaa Gecklet: But Dad I-
Kwanzaa gecko: is it your birthday?
Kwanzaa gecklet: No but-
Kwanzaa gecko: is it christmas?
Kwanzaa gecklet
Kwanzaa gecko
Kwanzaa gecklet
Kwanzaa gecko
Kwanzaa gecklet
END SCENE SUCKAS
Point is, if you give your kid a quad, and you live in fucking suburbia, where its a developed neighborhood, I hope your next child drinks gasoline and then burns himself from the inside out, you fuck of a parent
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Music that sucks and music that stomps ass
85 percent of music produced today is god awful shit, its Miley cyrus, whose only use is as tasty jailbait. or its those fucking Jonas Brothers, sorry Jo Bros, your not rock stars, I don't think McJagger has pledged abstinence and been on the cover of good housekeeping, you know who does that? thats right, the gays do, and everyone knows gays can't be rock stars, unless they're elton john. those two acts, Miley and the Jonases, are even pop, ready?
BAM! New Paragraph, I am edgy.
don't even get me started on the shit that is passed off as rock. Good charlotte? Good charlotte is so horrible I would rather get in the ring with ivan drago covered in american things than listen to their shit. Linkin Park? Linkin parks sole achievement is what i've done, and thats only because it ends motherfucking transformers 1, you ever hear a linkin park song that doesn't make you want to go down to the nearest hot topic and want to bludgeon faggoty teenage boys with a sock full of nickels, you haven't heard Linkin park music. Green Day you say? I would personally shove Billie Joe bitchtits into a wood chipper feet first for producing american idiot and their new, even gayer album "we touch young boys". what about fallout boy? if your most famous member of your band is your bassist, your not a rock band, sorry. and Pete Wentz married Ashlee "holy fuck, your dogs shit has more talent than me, and your dogs shits dad doesn't want to bang your sister" simpson, and presumably his balls are so deep in her purse, maddonas got them now. Point is: Rock is dying, and if weren't for the following groups of heroes, it would be dead already
BANDS THAT TOTALLY STOMP ASS:
1. Queens of the Stone Age
See the Josh Homme article for Queens of the stone Age and Eagles of death metal, because anymore writing about Josh Homme and I am certain to be branded a homosexual for Josh Homme, and this is simply not true, rather, I respect the man as a singer, guitarist, keyboardist, drummer, and as being an all around badass
2. Muse
Muse is bitchin good, friends, they have a good style, which is simply show up, smash your face with rock, and leave to go pork their british bitches. People say Muse tries too hard to be radiohead, these people can suck the hair right off my nuts, because they are wrong, Muse takes their sound and facefucks radiohead into submission, radiohead is a bunch of pussies, rolling stone tries to state "every college kid knows they are the most important band of their generation".replace radiohead with queens of the stone age, and important with Tit rockingest, and this statement is true. Muse on the other hand, totally smashes ass and makes Me happy to know british music is still kicking ass and raping nice tits.
3.Mastodon
quite simply, Mastodon is the most world destroying, anus ruining, face metal band ever to be born in the past 20 years, since Metallica started mailing it in. for one: they roll with Josh Homme, so they by default do drugs, punt hippies into the grand canyon, and deflower your sister. not only that, but Mastodon has fought system of a down (remember kids: if your rocking politically, your rocking douchily, and thus, not really rocking, just being a douche), they wrote easily the best album of 2009 so far, crack the skye. Crack the skye is so monumentally good, so transcendendly excellent, those who lose will literally begin to sob tears of fail and suck all over the place, wishing to be awesome enough to be able to listen to Mastodon without hating themselves. Crack the skye has fucking everything, here, let me post the description of it:
BAM!
The album follows a quadriplegic who learned to astrally project and on his journey he flew too close to the sun, burning his umbilical cord which connected him to his body and he flew into oblivion. At the same time in Czarist Russia Rasputin and his cult were channeling spirits and brought the quadriplegic to their time. He explains his situation and foretells the assassination of Rasputin. Inevitably Rasputin is assassinated and Rasputin guides him back to his body."
tell me what about that group of words doesn't totally make you want to rock, its as metal as can be, and i love it.
there you go, Music that doesn't suck, Oh I forgot a few bands:
Kings of Leon, Tokyo Police club, the fratellis, the Kaiser chiefs, the Sword are all lofty as well, give em a listen fellow readers (all 6 of you)
BAM! New Paragraph, I am edgy.
don't even get me started on the shit that is passed off as rock. Good charlotte? Good charlotte is so horrible I would rather get in the ring with ivan drago covered in american things than listen to their shit. Linkin Park? Linkin parks sole achievement is what i've done, and thats only because it ends motherfucking transformers 1, you ever hear a linkin park song that doesn't make you want to go down to the nearest hot topic and want to bludgeon faggoty teenage boys with a sock full of nickels, you haven't heard Linkin park music. Green Day you say? I would personally shove Billie Joe bitchtits into a wood chipper feet first for producing american idiot and their new, even gayer album "we touch young boys". what about fallout boy? if your most famous member of your band is your bassist, your not a rock band, sorry. and Pete Wentz married Ashlee "holy fuck, your dogs shit has more talent than me, and your dogs shits dad doesn't want to bang your sister" simpson, and presumably his balls are so deep in her purse, maddonas got them now. Point is: Rock is dying, and if weren't for the following groups of heroes, it would be dead already
BANDS THAT TOTALLY STOMP ASS:
1. Queens of the Stone Age
See the Josh Homme article for Queens of the stone Age and Eagles of death metal, because anymore writing about Josh Homme and I am certain to be branded a homosexual for Josh Homme, and this is simply not true, rather, I respect the man as a singer, guitarist, keyboardist, drummer, and as being an all around badass
2. Muse
Muse is bitchin good, friends, they have a good style, which is simply show up, smash your face with rock, and leave to go pork their british bitches. People say Muse tries too hard to be radiohead, these people can suck the hair right off my nuts, because they are wrong, Muse takes their sound and facefucks radiohead into submission, radiohead is a bunch of pussies, rolling stone tries to state "every college kid knows they are the most important band of their generation".replace radiohead with queens of the stone age, and important with Tit rockingest, and this statement is true. Muse on the other hand, totally smashes ass and makes Me happy to know british music is still kicking ass and raping nice tits.
3.Mastodon
quite simply, Mastodon is the most world destroying, anus ruining, face metal band ever to be born in the past 20 years, since Metallica started mailing it in. for one: they roll with Josh Homme, so they by default do drugs, punt hippies into the grand canyon, and deflower your sister. not only that, but Mastodon has fought system of a down (remember kids: if your rocking politically, your rocking douchily, and thus, not really rocking, just being a douche), they wrote easily the best album of 2009 so far, crack the skye. Crack the skye is so monumentally good, so transcendendly excellent, those who lose will literally begin to sob tears of fail and suck all over the place, wishing to be awesome enough to be able to listen to Mastodon without hating themselves. Crack the skye has fucking everything, here, let me post the description of it:
BAM!
The album follows a quadriplegic who learned to astrally project and on his journey he flew too close to the sun, burning his umbilical cord which connected him to his body and he flew into oblivion. At the same time in Czarist Russia Rasputin and his cult were channeling spirits and brought the quadriplegic to their time. He explains his situation and foretells the assassination of Rasputin. Inevitably Rasputin is assassinated and Rasputin guides him back to his body."
tell me what about that group of words doesn't totally make you want to rock, its as metal as can be, and i love it.
there you go, Music that doesn't suck, Oh I forgot a few bands:
Kings of Leon, Tokyo Police club, the fratellis, the Kaiser chiefs, the Sword are all lofty as well, give em a listen fellow readers (all 6 of you)
Monday, June 29, 2009
Michael Bay: an Brief biography of a great american
No one is sure exactly when Michael bay was born, but many believe he was born on one of two days:
day 1)Michael bay was not born, he simply materialized out of Multiple explosions fully grown
day 2) Michael bay appeared on the day the first known win was created, also out of explosions
take of these what you will, but michael bay is also fucking awesome.
why is michael bay awesome? in order to meet the standard of kwanzaa gecko victoriousness for movies to be an action movie, you must have all of these things
1. explosions, often for no particular reason and people getting rocked
2. fighting, the more pointless and violent the better, extra points for fighting aliens, robots and space fights (any combo of the 3 works too)
3. beautiful girls running around in slow motion, for what seems pointless
and if you have seen transformers 1/2, you would know Michael bay has all 3 of these in spades.
the man directed and produced the single most american movie ever: Pearl harbor. Michael bay cares not what critics like roger ebert think of his movies, he only cares about 2 things: making the best fucking movies ever, and making lots of money, both of which he does so well.
god damn, is Michael Bay awesome, lets go through a typical day in the life of Bay
7:00 AM: Wake up
7:00 AM (2 seconds later): Michael bays bedroom has over 9000 badass explosions
7:15 AM: Michael Bay showers in art house faggy movies scripts, using the rolls of film, Michael bay does not appreciate movies that are pretentious and stupid.
7:45: Michael eats a breakfest consisting of bacon, home fries, eggs and tropicana orange juice, with a tasty everything bagel, he eats entirely in slow motion, with his yard exploding behind him
9:00: Michael bay watches all of his movies, having sex with every hot girl in these movies
3:00 PM: Michael bay controls time, he's done now, goes out, directs amazing movie with far too many explosions than can be considered safe
5:00 PM: Michael rides his space tiger over to chuck norris's house, fights him, wins
7:00 PM: Space tiger explodes, turning into a Hot girl who Michael Bay bones, new space tiger appears
10:30 PM: Michael bay, having exausted his supply of semen and explosions, falls asleep.
there you go, the life and times of one of americas greatest men, Michael Bay
7:45
day 1)Michael bay was not born, he simply materialized out of Multiple explosions fully grown
day 2) Michael bay appeared on the day the first known win was created, also out of explosions
take of these what you will, but michael bay is also fucking awesome.
why is michael bay awesome? in order to meet the standard of kwanzaa gecko victoriousness for movies to be an action movie, you must have all of these things
1. explosions, often for no particular reason and people getting rocked
2. fighting, the more pointless and violent the better, extra points for fighting aliens, robots and space fights (any combo of the 3 works too)
3. beautiful girls running around in slow motion, for what seems pointless
and if you have seen transformers 1/2, you would know Michael bay has all 3 of these in spades.
the man directed and produced the single most american movie ever: Pearl harbor. Michael bay cares not what critics like roger ebert think of his movies, he only cares about 2 things: making the best fucking movies ever, and making lots of money, both of which he does so well.
god damn, is Michael Bay awesome, lets go through a typical day in the life of Bay
7:00 AM: Wake up
7:00 AM (2 seconds later): Michael bays bedroom has over 9000 badass explosions
7:15 AM: Michael Bay showers in art house faggy movies scripts, using the rolls of film, Michael bay does not appreciate movies that are pretentious and stupid.
7:45: Michael eats a breakfest consisting of bacon, home fries, eggs and tropicana orange juice, with a tasty everything bagel, he eats entirely in slow motion, with his yard exploding behind him
9:00: Michael bay watches all of his movies, having sex with every hot girl in these movies
3:00 PM: Michael bay controls time, he's done now, goes out, directs amazing movie with far too many explosions than can be considered safe
5:00 PM: Michael rides his space tiger over to chuck norris's house, fights him, wins
7:00 PM: Space tiger explodes, turning into a Hot girl who Michael Bay bones, new space tiger appears
10:30 PM: Michael bay, having exausted his supply of semen and explosions, falls asleep.
there you go, the life and times of one of americas greatest men, Michael Bay
7:45
Sunday, May 31, 2009
the official Kwanzaa gecko commeration address to the class of 2009
Now simple blogulons, it is that time of year, the women are in bathing suits, tv is gone (NOOOO!), I am sunbathing naked outside with my flagpole flying the american flag proudly, the Barbeque is out, it is summer, and yes, summer does in fact, smash taint. and You, Yes you, High school seniors, are graduating, some of you might've already, at which point i extend a big tasty fuck you! to you, graduating in may? thats unnatural, summer goes from about flag day to labor day, oh yes, you mock us june school kids now "Ha Ha! I'm not in school and you are!" well while you are going through the first day of school in "holy fuck it is hot, My balls are sticking to my leg like flypaper and there is No air conditioning, what evil fuckdrinker made this happen?" I will be doing what I always do in august: turn my AC down to 50 degrees or so and have a snowball fight in my house while you cook like a fucking chicken in the oven. While we're on the subject of this, what the fuck do we celebrate on flag day? the flag? our flag, while Ball quiveringly wonderful, doesn't deserve its OWN day, as every day is flag day at Kwanzaa geckos house.
but anyway, lots of you crazy kids are graduating soon, and you'll be getting the valedictorian speech, all of which suck, so I will give you one better: MY speech for you graduating little bastards, broken down into tasty tiny mini burger sized points
1. College is fucking awesome, you can do whatever you want, I spent a good chunk of my free time in the library checking out the hot librarian and playing crossword puzzles last semester, and i still passed everything.
2. you don't HAVE to have your major chosen, shit, I'm studying history, you know what kicks ass about history? that shit has an end,its called today. and as a double win, I get to study fucking AMERICA!
3. Make friends, because otherwise you'll be a loser who spends his days at college in your dorm, trying to figure out how to make a lego dildo (take it from someone who has fucked a girl with a lego dildo, don't ruin valuable legos! you'll need them for your spaceship!)
4. technically, you can't bring your pet to college, so do what I do, say your blind,r un into shit for a few days, then have Mom air mail you your dog, its a win for everyone!
5.Look back on High school and laugh, because High school was pre-season shit, you get cows stuck in the 200's in college, your.shit.will.be.rocked, you best not fuck around, all the fuckups have been weeded out up to this point (unless your going to Junior/community college), so its just you and some poor souls who are shelling out 30 thousand washingtons a year to learn shit and turn your dorm into hell.
6. no matter what, your dormmate will hate everything you like, its part of the colleges "whacky odd couple" rule, eventually, you will bond over dish cleaning and have a cool montage at least once, where you bail him out of a tough jam, and he in turn, sells you out by roofieing your girlfriend and banging her in your bed.
7. be prepared for your masturabatory time to go down the shitter, you better find a good quiet place you can jerk off, or you will be fucked. (note: if your a girl, this one doesn't matter)
8. a good revenge for when your roomate roofies your girlfriend? eat barbeque and breakfest burritoes, and while he slumbers, fart in his face. bonus points if you do it without pants, and legendary hero status if its wet and comes in contact with his face.
there you go, tasty bite sized chunks of college life, remember, streaking across campus is only cool if your hot and female!
but anyway, lots of you crazy kids are graduating soon, and you'll be getting the valedictorian speech, all of which suck, so I will give you one better: MY speech for you graduating little bastards, broken down into tasty tiny mini burger sized points
1. College is fucking awesome, you can do whatever you want, I spent a good chunk of my free time in the library checking out the hot librarian and playing crossword puzzles last semester, and i still passed everything.
2. you don't HAVE to have your major chosen, shit, I'm studying history, you know what kicks ass about history? that shit has an end,its called today. and as a double win, I get to study fucking AMERICA!
3. Make friends, because otherwise you'll be a loser who spends his days at college in your dorm, trying to figure out how to make a lego dildo (take it from someone who has fucked a girl with a lego dildo, don't ruin valuable legos! you'll need them for your spaceship!)
4. technically, you can't bring your pet to college, so do what I do, say your blind,r un into shit for a few days, then have Mom air mail you your dog, its a win for everyone!
5.Look back on High school and laugh, because High school was pre-season shit, you get cows stuck in the 200's in college, your.shit.will.be.rocked, you best not fuck around, all the fuckups have been weeded out up to this point (unless your going to Junior/community college), so its just you and some poor souls who are shelling out 30 thousand washingtons a year to learn shit and turn your dorm into hell.
6. no matter what, your dormmate will hate everything you like, its part of the colleges "whacky odd couple" rule, eventually, you will bond over dish cleaning and have a cool montage at least once, where you bail him out of a tough jam, and he in turn, sells you out by roofieing your girlfriend and banging her in your bed.
7. be prepared for your masturabatory time to go down the shitter, you better find a good quiet place you can jerk off, or you will be fucked. (note: if your a girl, this one doesn't matter)
8. a good revenge for when your roomate roofies your girlfriend? eat barbeque and breakfest burritoes, and while he slumbers, fart in his face. bonus points if you do it without pants, and legendary hero status if its wet and comes in contact with his face.
there you go, tasty bite sized chunks of college life, remember, streaking across campus is only cool if your hot and female!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Why Josh Homme is a god of music
well bitches, its been two weeks, so I bet you're wondering "Kwanzaa Gecko, you are so handsome, virile, Masculine, Wonderful, you have such a great beard, are there any Men who you consider your equal" of course, now pay me the 20 and I will go "who then?" fuck off I say. "Are there any men who you consider better than you?" and I am forced to admit that Yes, there ARE Men out there who do rule more than myself, however few they are, and thus this inspires my new series of blog posts:
CHAMPIONS, WINNERS AND VICTORIOUS ONES.
now, what is the difference between these 3? simple, level of win
Winner is the lowest one, anyone can be a winner for having the occasional success. The Boston Red Sox, Eli Manning, George W Bush and the guys who write 1 hit wonders can all fall into these categories
Champion is the middle category, someone who has a level of success but isn't in that pantheon of awesome. The Beatles, The Florida Marlins, Peyton Manning, Sandy koufax and Joe Biden are all champions.
finally, we have Victorious ones, or simply, Masters of Victory. These brave Men women and groups have pioneered success to be damn near an art. these People could own multiple lacrosse sticks, drive only jeeps, have the worlds biggest collection of flat brimmed hats, have created Energy drinks, use the word Bro and Brah, and only smell like axe body spray (the official scent of Douchebags everywhere!) and these people would still rock so hard your sexual organs would literally combust by coming near them. I will profile a person of one of these 3 ilks and tell you what they are and why they are it and today, readers, we start off with a doozy.
Our Ginger Lord and Savior of Rock Music: Joshua Motherfucking Homme, or Just Josh Homme
Heres Homme eyeing up your hot 19 year old sister, He is going to pillage her.
Now you may be asking "Kwanzaa gecko! He's a Ginger! He's barely a person" but that is were you are wrong. While yes, Ginger Men for the most part are about as sexy as herpes covered Genital warts, Josh Homme destroys this for one very very good reason: He's a viking. descending from Norway, the cradle of viking civilization, and coincidentally, the cradle of victory. a Viking mainly fed on pillage, rape and Plunder, making him among the first of these new breed of victory Master. Homme obviously descends from these awe inspiring murder masters, but instea do going and around and killing, Homme is arguably the best rocker alive, having formed the greatest band currently function on this planet and in any alternate universe, Queens of the Stone Age.
why does Queens of the stone age rock? Josh Home is in it, so theres that. 100 percent of their songs are about sex fighting and drinking/drugs, which is what real rock and roll is. and finally, they are freakishly talented, and easily the best band on earth. Homme is the straw that stirs the drink, He is a respectable Ginger Male (no easy task) giant, with a sex drive like a bull elephant in mating season, he is a badass in every way, his alternate name on his album? carlo von sexron. what.a.victory master. He described Queens upcoming album as "a desert orgy after dark" He wins so hard its ridiculous.
there, done, happy?
CHAMPIONS, WINNERS AND VICTORIOUS ONES.
now, what is the difference between these 3? simple, level of win
Winner is the lowest one, anyone can be a winner for having the occasional success. The Boston Red Sox, Eli Manning, George W Bush and the guys who write 1 hit wonders can all fall into these categories
Champion is the middle category, someone who has a level of success but isn't in that pantheon of awesome. The Beatles, The Florida Marlins, Peyton Manning, Sandy koufax and Joe Biden are all champions.
finally, we have Victorious ones, or simply, Masters of Victory. These brave Men women and groups have pioneered success to be damn near an art. these People could own multiple lacrosse sticks, drive only jeeps, have the worlds biggest collection of flat brimmed hats, have created Energy drinks, use the word Bro and Brah, and only smell like axe body spray (the official scent of Douchebags everywhere!) and these people would still rock so hard your sexual organs would literally combust by coming near them. I will profile a person of one of these 3 ilks and tell you what they are and why they are it and today, readers, we start off with a doozy.
Our Ginger Lord and Savior of Rock Music: Joshua Motherfucking Homme, or Just Josh Homme
Heres Homme eyeing up your hot 19 year old sister, He is going to pillage her.Now you may be asking "Kwanzaa gecko! He's a Ginger! He's barely a person" but that is were you are wrong. While yes, Ginger Men for the most part are about as sexy as herpes covered Genital warts, Josh Homme destroys this for one very very good reason: He's a viking. descending from Norway, the cradle of viking civilization, and coincidentally, the cradle of victory. a Viking mainly fed on pillage, rape and Plunder, making him among the first of these new breed of victory Master. Homme obviously descends from these awe inspiring murder masters, but instea do going and around and killing, Homme is arguably the best rocker alive, having formed the greatest band currently function on this planet and in any alternate universe, Queens of the Stone Age.
why does Queens of the stone age rock? Josh Home is in it, so theres that. 100 percent of their songs are about sex fighting and drinking/drugs, which is what real rock and roll is. and finally, they are freakishly talented, and easily the best band on earth. Homme is the straw that stirs the drink, He is a respectable Ginger Male (no easy task) giant, with a sex drive like a bull elephant in mating season, he is a badass in every way, his alternate name on his album? carlo von sexron. what.a.victory master. He described Queens upcoming album as "a desert orgy after dark" He wins so hard its ridiculous.
there, done, happy?
Monday, April 20, 2009
why most animals sucks but a choice few
Animals suck, for the most part, they crap everywhere, walk around naked, scream incoherently (SPEAK ENGLISH YOU ASSHAT ANIMALS!) and generally produce so much lose, we are experiencing global losing. What is Global losing? think of it like Global warming, but a legitimate problem that we need to solve ASAP. Global losing has contributed to among other things:
the birth of more bro's
the fact that Lacrosse is now considered cool
the deaths of countless ninjas, lumberjacks, vikings and pirates
the fact that a man can drive a hybrid without immeadiately being branded a faggot by his peers.
Tina fey, amy poehler, and Jimmy fallon being considered funny
the fact Lil wayne is sucessful
Ross on friends, caesar on Lost, Missy Peregrym not being on TV and the fact that arrested development got cancelled
Rex Grossman not having a team as of this time
british men getting laid
Sonic the hedgehog games now suck
find me one thing that screams cool to you there, and I'll give you a swift punch in your face, dick.
now, what animals win you ask? simple, I'll throw some out there in an ejaculation of truth justice and win.
animal 1: Rhino
the birth of more bro's
the fact that Lacrosse is now considered cool
the deaths of countless ninjas, lumberjacks, vikings and pirates
the fact that a man can drive a hybrid without immeadiately being branded a faggot by his peers.
Tina fey, amy poehler, and Jimmy fallon being considered funny
the fact Lil wayne is sucessful
Ross on friends, caesar on Lost, Missy Peregrym not being on TV and the fact that arrested development got cancelled
Rex Grossman not having a team as of this time
british men getting laid
Sonic the hedgehog games now suck
find me one thing that screams cool to you there, and I'll give you a swift punch in your face, dick.
now, what animals win you ask? simple, I'll throw some out there in an ejaculation of truth justice and win.
animal 1: Rhino
Look at our buddy Mr Rhino here and tell me: what is lose about him? he's huge, giant horns designed mainly to fuck shit up and win, feeds exclusively on the tears of children and the hopes of yuppies, that is a win creature right there.
Animal 2: Hippo
and finally; the most win animals to walk the earth: DINOSAURS
I wish I could find one picture with all the WINosaurs, but I can't, so here's a list
tyrannosaurus rex (Eats fuckers like douchebags, tools, raging dickholes and annoying lesbians, also the body of the original megazord in power rangers so you know its win, just not as win as the dragonzord)
Triceratops (spikes, speedy, shield head, you could live on these fuckers, plus they fought T-rex regularly, then went out and punted lose animals like whales and dolphins)
Stegosaurus (Spikes on its tail, undoubtedly used to maul Lose animals and to impregnate bitches)
Brontosaurus (anyone who says apatosaurus is getting apatofmyfootinyourassaurus)
Homosoreass (get it?its a gay joke!)
Ankylosaurus (its made of armor! what isn't win?)
there we go, Animals that win
Sunday, April 19, 2009
why America is the best country ever
“Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I’m not. I just feel that America’s the best country and all the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.”
Kenny Powers
that quote sums up american life better than anything maybe ever. are you American? you are? High five yourself. are you canadian? you are? stab yourself in the kidney then stab your birth parents kidney for not having the common decency to get in a car and have you in america. Canada I'm not sure is even its own country, I'm pretty sure they still are britains bitches. you know the only reason britain wins? thats right bitches, TITS!
who wants to see some british boobies? thats right, you do Motherfucker
Look at those! gods gift to Man! who doesn't want to deposit his nut butter there? if they made food in the shape of tits, who wouldn't eat it?
fantastits again, who isn't sporting a boner? I know I am
check out those! I am almost certain you need a permit to be that hot, you can kill old men just walking by (which is kickass, and i know you need a permit, I have one)
BAM! More british tits
anyway, back to america, why does america rule? 1. We have windividuals past and present, Like George Washington, who rode a dragon and killed british people and stole their hot women, Thomas Jefferson, who so epically pwned the french by fucking stealing Louisana by selling it for some ability to win (sadly the ship with win sank, and the french never got it, we kept Louisiana because everybody knows french people are walking living lose). Henry ford, who was so epic he invented the car, and built robot dinosaurs and personally ate the last of the dodos and also made zombies. Thomas Edison, who INVENTED MOTHERFUCKING ELECTRICITY, which is so win. oh, and we made the atom bomb, so suck that, Mexico!
People who complain about americas problems "you're power hungry" "you think you can police the world" "you don't have universal healthcare". these people obviously suck and are jealous of America for being the best motherfucking place on the face of the earth. if you are American and hate America, get the fuck out of MY america, you obviously are so lose you are too big a granola eating, environmentally sound assbandit that you probably just jerk off with fucking leaves and looking at pictures of Hippies, you say "Oh I have freedom of speech" I say "I have the freedom to beat the fuck out of you, its what Alexander Hamilton would've done" . Go live in Canada or drown yourselves, you cumgoblins.
Kenny Powers
that quote sums up american life better than anything maybe ever. are you American? you are? High five yourself. are you canadian? you are? stab yourself in the kidney then stab your birth parents kidney for not having the common decency to get in a car and have you in america. Canada I'm not sure is even its own country, I'm pretty sure they still are britains bitches. you know the only reason britain wins? thats right bitches, TITS!
who wants to see some british boobies? thats right, you do Motherfucker
Look at those! gods gift to Man! who doesn't want to deposit his nut butter there? if they made food in the shape of tits, who wouldn't eat it?
fantastits again, who isn't sporting a boner? I know I am
check out those! I am almost certain you need a permit to be that hot, you can kill old men just walking by (which is kickass, and i know you need a permit, I have one)
BAM! More british titsanyway, back to america, why does america rule? 1. We have windividuals past and present, Like George Washington, who rode a dragon and killed british people and stole their hot women, Thomas Jefferson, who so epically pwned the french by fucking stealing Louisana by selling it for some ability to win (sadly the ship with win sank, and the french never got it, we kept Louisiana because everybody knows french people are walking living lose). Henry ford, who was so epic he invented the car, and built robot dinosaurs and personally ate the last of the dodos and also made zombies. Thomas Edison, who INVENTED MOTHERFUCKING ELECTRICITY, which is so win. oh, and we made the atom bomb, so suck that, Mexico!
People who complain about americas problems "you're power hungry" "you think you can police the world" "you don't have universal healthcare". these people obviously suck and are jealous of America for being the best motherfucking place on the face of the earth. if you are American and hate America, get the fuck out of MY america, you obviously are so lose you are too big a granola eating, environmentally sound assbandit that you probably just jerk off with fucking leaves and looking at pictures of Hippies, you say "Oh I have freedom of speech" I say "I have the freedom to beat the fuck out of you, its what Alexander Hamilton would've done" . Go live in Canada or drown yourselves, you cumgoblins.
Monday, April 13, 2009
an encycbropedia brotannica entry
ah and now we get to to the fun stuff, the encbropedia brotannica. what is it you ask? well, it is an encyclopedia for a bro. whats a bro? great question
a bro is aged anywhere from 14 to 30, though most commonly found in the 16-25 range. they are entirely male in species, and there is an easy way to spot a bro. Is the guy next to you got too spiky hair with frosted tips? he does? ok, is his skin anywhere from grossly tan to orange as fuck? it is? do his lips have gloss on them, a little too much to be heterosexual? they do? ok. Does he have idiotic chanel sunglasses that a real man would not be caught raped as a corpse wearing? he does? is He wearing a polo shirt (or shirts) and is the collar popped? it is,well shucks. does he have at least one inane ear piercing and or tattoo? He does? does he have a prefrayed hat brim, a visor worn upside down or sideways (or both), and/or a shell necklace? He does? well then, if you answered yes to at least 2, congradulations, you are sitting next to the american bro, also known as a tool, a douchebag, a guido or fucksucker. Here are some pictured examples
Look at these fags, disgusting. and we wonder why americas education system is trailing? also Not pictured: anyone interested in Pussy.
words don't even describe this guys inane shitheadery, what.a.turd. I hope he gets 4 types of uncurable cancer that rot him painfully, what a drain on society in general.
and we come to our first entry of the Encycbropedia, which is actually more like a dictionary, but whatever, there will be encyclopedic entries here too. our first word is
BRONG
what is a brong? a Brong is a gathering of bros, from all corners of the bro world, at least 5 bros must be present for it to go from brofest to BRONG. Copious amounts of Natty, too much jack johnson, and more lacrosse sticks than anyone knows what to do with will undoubtedly be present. this is a gathering of douchebags, and can be used in a variety of ways, as shown here
Bro 1: Yo brah, wheres Matteo? we were supposed to watch family guy together, Brah.
Bro 2: Brah, he went to Chads Brong-a-thon, they're playing painball.
it it these things that make you want to punt children.
a bro is aged anywhere from 14 to 30, though most commonly found in the 16-25 range. they are entirely male in species, and there is an easy way to spot a bro. Is the guy next to you got too spiky hair with frosted tips? he does? ok, is his skin anywhere from grossly tan to orange as fuck? it is? do his lips have gloss on them, a little too much to be heterosexual? they do? ok. Does he have idiotic chanel sunglasses that a real man would not be caught raped as a corpse wearing? he does? is He wearing a polo shirt (or shirts) and is the collar popped? it is,well shucks. does he have at least one inane ear piercing and or tattoo? He does? does he have a prefrayed hat brim, a visor worn upside down or sideways (or both), and/or a shell necklace? He does? well then, if you answered yes to at least 2, congradulations, you are sitting next to the american bro, also known as a tool, a douchebag, a guido or fucksucker. Here are some pictured examples
Look at these fags, disgusting. and we wonder why americas education system is trailing? also Not pictured: anyone interested in Pussy.
words don't even describe this guys inane shitheadery, what.a.turd. I hope he gets 4 types of uncurable cancer that rot him painfully, what a drain on society in general.
and we come to our first entry of the Encycbropedia, which is actually more like a dictionary, but whatever, there will be encyclopedic entries here too. our first word isBRONG
what is a brong? a Brong is a gathering of bros, from all corners of the bro world, at least 5 bros must be present for it to go from brofest to BRONG. Copious amounts of Natty, too much jack johnson, and more lacrosse sticks than anyone knows what to do with will undoubtedly be present. this is a gathering of douchebags, and can be used in a variety of ways, as shown here
Bro 1: Yo brah, wheres Matteo? we were supposed to watch family guy together, Brah.
Bro 2: Brah, he went to Chads Brong-a-thon, they're playing painball.
it it these things that make you want to punt children.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
why does everyone look sweet smoking a cigar
I have been wondering for some time now, perhaps someone can answer me this epic riddle:
why do all people look totally badass smoking cigars?
look at the pictures people:
check out this broad, normally she's an average looking chick, a cigar in her hands, instant Man wood for her, what guy wouldn't bone her like crazy? I know I would tear that ass apart like Lions do fucking zebras.
check out this cat, suit, beard, cigar, does it get more manly? no, he's some explosions and lesbians away from reaching critical levels of badass and being Tom brady or Josh Homme or Alexander Hamilton
Oh crap, look at that fella. suit, smoking room, SWEET GLASSES, AND A CIGAR?! Tell me that guy isn't so deep in pussy he doesn't know what to do with it, he's giving it away like its a fucking moving day.
without fail, a cigar makes an ordinary man into a badass. Shit, cigars turn pussyass animals into pimps, if blogspot wasn't being gayer than rosie o donnel, this would be the portion of my blog were I'd have a sweet duck smoking.
thats all for today bitches, have a balls to the wall, tits on a rope good easter.
why do all people look totally badass smoking cigars?
look at the pictures people:
check out this broad, normally she's an average looking chick, a cigar in her hands, instant Man wood for her, what guy wouldn't bone her like crazy? I know I would tear that ass apart like Lions do fucking zebras.
check out this cat, suit, beard, cigar, does it get more manly? no, he's some explosions and lesbians away from reaching critical levels of badass and being Tom brady or Josh Homme or Alexander Hamilton
Oh crap, look at that fella. suit, smoking room, SWEET GLASSES, AND A CIGAR?! Tell me that guy isn't so deep in pussy he doesn't know what to do with it, he's giving it away like its a fucking moving day.without fail, a cigar makes an ordinary man into a badass. Shit, cigars turn pussyass animals into pimps, if blogspot wasn't being gayer than rosie o donnel, this would be the portion of my blog were I'd have a sweet duck smoking.
thats all for today bitches, have a balls to the wall, tits on a rope good easter.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
welcome readers
Hello, Hola, Guten tag, Konnichiwa, bonjour and all the other languages on this great planet of ours. Welcome to My blog, the Kwanzaa gecko. What you should know about me: I am a loudmouth, filterless, funnyman who hates things and loves things. Stuff you will find here includes:
Rants on everything from Politics to crappy TV (Hello Rock of Love)
Inappropriate politically incorrect "jokes"
gross stereotypes that end up being truthful
the Encycbropedia brotannica (a simple life and times of your american bro)
All the explosions, zombies, tits and other masculine things you will ever need
some hardcore honesty
liberal use of the phrase "Nut Butter".
basically whatever the hell I want to post about. first real post will be later today, but till then, goodbye and all the other crap
Rants on everything from Politics to crappy TV (Hello Rock of Love)
Inappropriate politically incorrect "jokes"
gross stereotypes that end up being truthful
the Encycbropedia brotannica (a simple life and times of your american bro)
All the explosions, zombies, tits and other masculine things you will ever need
some hardcore honesty
liberal use of the phrase "Nut Butter".
basically whatever the hell I want to post about. first real post will be later today, but till then, goodbye and all the other crap
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