the official Kwanzaa gecko commeration address to the class of 2009

Now simple blogulons, it is that time of year, the women are in bathing suits, tv is gone (NOOOO!), I am sunbathing naked outside with my flagpole flying the american flag proudly, the Barbeque is out, it is summer, and yes, summer does in fact, smash taint. and You, Yes you, High school seniors, are graduating, some of you might've already, at which point i extend a big tasty fuck you! to you, graduating in may? thats unnatural, summer goes from about flag day to labor day, oh yes, you mock us june school kids now "Ha Ha! I'm not in school and you are!" well while you are going through the first day of school in "holy fuck it is hot, My balls are sticking to my leg like flypaper and there is No air conditioning, what evil fuckdrinker made this happen?" I will be doing what I always do in august: turn my AC down to 50 degrees or so and have a snowball fight in my house while you cook like a fucking chicken in the oven. While we're on the subject of this, what the fuck do we celebrate on flag day? the flag? our flag, while Ball quiveringly wonderful, doesn't deserve its OWN day, as every day is flag day at Kwanzaa geckos house.

but anyway, lots of you crazy kids are graduating soon, and you'll be getting the valedictorian speech, all of which suck, so I will give you one better: MY speech for you graduating little bastards, broken down into tasty tiny mini burger sized points

1. College is fucking awesome, you can do whatever you want, I spent a good chunk of my free time in the library checking out the hot librarian and playing crossword puzzles last semester, and i still passed everything.

2. you don't HAVE to have your major chosen, shit, I'm studying history, you know what kicks ass about history? that shit has an end,its called today. and as a double win, I get to study fucking AMERICA!

3. Make friends, because otherwise you'll be a loser who spends his days at college in your dorm, trying to figure out how to make a lego dildo (take it from someone who has fucked a girl with a lego dildo, don't ruin valuable legos! you'll need them for your spaceship!)

4. technically, you can't bring your pet to college, so do what I do, say your blind,r un into shit for a few days, then have Mom air mail you your dog, its a win for everyone!

5.Look back on High school and laugh, because High school was pre-season shit, you get cows stuck in the 200's in college, your.shit.will.be.rocked, you best not fuck around, all the fuckups have been weeded out up to this point (unless your going to Junior/community college), so its just you and some poor souls who are shelling out 30 thousand washingtons a year to learn shit and turn your dorm into hell.

6. no matter what, your dormmate will hate everything you like, its part of the colleges "whacky odd couple" rule, eventually, you will bond over dish cleaning and have a cool montage at least once, where you bail him out of a tough jam, and he in turn, sells you out by roofieing your girlfriend and banging her in your bed.

7. be prepared for your masturabatory time to go down the shitter, you better find a good quiet place you can jerk off, or you will be fucked. (note: if your a girl, this one doesn't matter)

8. a good revenge for when your roomate roofies your girlfriend? eat barbeque and breakfest burritoes, and while he slumbers, fart in his face. bonus points if you do it without pants, and legendary hero status if its wet and comes in contact with his face.

there you go, tasty bite sized chunks of college life, remember, streaking across campus is only cool if your hot and female!

Why Josh Homme is a god of music

well bitches, its been two weeks, so I bet you're wondering "Kwanzaa Gecko, you are so handsome, virile, Masculine, Wonderful, you have such a great beard, are there any Men who you consider your equal" of course, now pay me the 20 and I will go "who then?" fuck off I say. "Are there any men who you consider better than you?" and I am forced to admit that Yes, there ARE Men out there who do rule more than myself, however few they are, and thus this inspires my new series of blog posts:

CHAMPIONS, WINNERS AND VICTORIOUS ONES.

now, what is the difference between these 3? simple, level of win

Winner is the lowest one, anyone can be a winner for having the occasional success. The Boston Red Sox, Eli Manning, George W Bush and the guys who write 1 hit wonders can all fall into these categories

Champion is the middle category, someone who has a level of success but isn't in that pantheon of awesome. The Beatles, The Florida Marlins, Peyton Manning, Sandy koufax and Joe Biden are all champions.

finally, we have Victorious ones, or simply, Masters of Victory. These brave Men women and groups have pioneered success to be damn near an art. these People could own multiple lacrosse sticks, drive only jeeps, have the worlds biggest collection of flat brimmed hats, have created Energy drinks, use the word Bro and Brah, and only smell like axe body spray (the official scent of Douchebags everywhere!) and these people would still rock so hard your sexual organs would literally combust by coming near them. I will profile a person of one of these 3 ilks and tell you what they are and why they are it and today, readers, we start off with a doozy.

Our Ginger Lord and Savior of Rock Music: Joshua Motherfucking Homme, or Just Josh Homme

Heres Homme eyeing up your hot 19 year old sister, He is going to pillage her.

Now you may be asking "Kwanzaa gecko! He's a Ginger! He's barely a person" but that is were you are wrong. While yes, Ginger Men for the most part are about as sexy as herpes covered Genital warts, Josh Homme destroys this for one very very good reason: He's a viking. descending from Norway, the cradle of viking civilization, and coincidentally, the cradle of victory. a Viking mainly fed on pillage, rape and Plunder, making him among the first of these new breed of victory Master. Homme obviously descends from these awe inspiring murder masters, but instea do going and around and killing, Homme is arguably the best rocker alive, having formed the greatest band currently function on this planet and in any alternate universe, Queens of the Stone Age.

why does Queens of the stone age rock? Josh Home is in it, so theres that. 100 percent of their songs are about sex fighting and drinking/drugs, which is what real rock and roll is. and finally, they are freakishly talented, and easily the best band on earth. Homme is the straw that stirs the drink, He is a respectable Ginger Male (no easy task) giant, with a sex drive like a bull elephant in mating season, he is a badass in every way, his alternate name on his album? carlo von sexron. what.a.victory master. He described Queens upcoming album as "a desert orgy after dark" He wins so hard its ridiculous.

there, done, happy?

why most animals sucks but a choice few

Animals suck, for the most part, they crap everywhere, walk around naked, scream incoherently (SPEAK ENGLISH YOU ASSHAT ANIMALS!) and generally produce so much lose, we are experiencing global losing. What is Global losing? think of it like Global warming, but a legitimate problem that we need to solve ASAP. Global losing has contributed to among other things:



the birth of more bro's

the fact that Lacrosse is now considered cool

the deaths of countless ninjas, lumberjacks, vikings and pirates

the fact that a man can drive a hybrid without immeadiately being branded a faggot by his peers.

Tina fey, amy poehler, and Jimmy fallon being considered funny

the fact Lil wayne is sucessful

Ross on friends, caesar on Lost, Missy Peregrym not being on TV and the fact that arrested development got cancelled


Rex Grossman not having a team as of this time


british men getting laid

Sonic the hedgehog games now suck


find me one thing that screams cool to you there, and I'll give you a swift punch in your face, dick.


now, what animals win you ask? simple, I'll throw some out there in an ejaculation of truth justice and win.





animal 1: Rhino

Look at our buddy Mr Rhino here and tell me: what is lose about him? he's huge, giant horns designed mainly to fuck shit up and win, feeds exclusively on the tears of children and the hopes of yuppies, that is a win creature right there.

Animal 2: Hippo

the Hippo is like a water rhino with no horns, but a face that resembles a set of nuts. Manly? you bet your ass they are. they bite fucking everything in sight and from my EXCLUSIVE KWANZAA GECKO SOURCES, it is a crushing bite, not a tearing bite.

and finally; the most win animals to walk the earth: DINOSAURS

I wish I could find one picture with all the WINosaurs, but I can't, so here's a list

tyrannosaurus rex (Eats fuckers like douchebags, tools, raging dickholes and annoying lesbians, also the body of the original megazord in power rangers so you know its win, just not as win as the dragonzord)

Triceratops (spikes, speedy, shield head, you could live on these fuckers, plus they fought T-rex regularly, then went out and punted lose animals like whales and dolphins)

Stegosaurus (Spikes on its tail, undoubtedly used to maul Lose animals and to impregnate bitches)

Brontosaurus (anyone who says apatosaurus is getting apatofmyfootinyourassaurus)

Homosoreass (get it?its a gay joke!)

Ankylosaurus (its made of armor! what isn't win?)

there we go, Animals that win

why America is the best country ever

“Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I’m not. I just feel that America’s the best country and all the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.”

Kenny Powers

that quote sums up american life better than anything maybe ever. are you American? you are? High five yourself. are you canadian? you are? stab yourself in the kidney then stab your birth parents kidney for not having the common decency to get in a car and have you in america. Canada I'm not sure is even its own country, I'm pretty sure they still are britains bitches. you know the only reason britain wins? thats right bitches, TITS!

who wants to see some british boobies? thats right, you do Motherfucker

Look at those! gods gift to Man! who doesn't want to deposit his nut butter there? if they made food in the shape of tits, who wouldn't eat it?

fantastits again, who isn't sporting a boner? I know I am

check out those! I am almost certain you need a permit to be that hot, you can kill old men just walking by (which is kickass, and i know you need a permit, I have one)

BAM! More british tits

anyway, back to america, why does america rule? 1. We have windividuals past and present, Like George Washington, who rode a dragon and killed british people and stole their hot women, Thomas Jefferson, who so epically pwned the french by fucking stealing Louisana by selling it for some ability to win (sadly the ship with win sank, and the french never got it, we kept Louisiana because everybody knows french people are walking living lose). Henry ford, who was so epic he invented the car, and built robot dinosaurs and personally ate the last of the dodos and also made zombies. Thomas Edison, who INVENTED MOTHERFUCKING ELECTRICITY, which is so win. oh, and we made the atom bomb, so suck that, Mexico!

People who complain about americas problems "you're power hungry" "you think you can police the world" "you don't have universal healthcare". these people obviously suck and are jealous of America for being the best motherfucking place on the face of the earth. if you are American and hate America, get the fuck out of MY america, you obviously are so lose you are too big a granola eating, environmentally sound assbandit that you probably just jerk off with fucking leaves and looking at pictures of Hippies, you say "Oh I have freedom of speech" I say "I have the freedom to beat the fuck out of you, its what Alexander Hamilton would've done" . Go live in Canada or drown yourselves, you cumgoblins.

an encycbropedia brotannica entry

ah and now we get to to the fun stuff, the encbropedia brotannica. what is it you ask? well, it is an encyclopedia for a bro. whats a bro? great question

a bro is aged anywhere from 14 to 30, though most commonly found in the 16-25 range. they are entirely male in species, and there is an easy way to spot a bro. Is the guy next to you got too spiky hair with frosted tips? he does? ok, is his skin anywhere from grossly tan to orange as fuck? it is? do his lips have gloss on them, a little too much to be heterosexual? they do? ok. Does he have idiotic chanel sunglasses that a real man would not be caught raped as a corpse wearing? he does? is He wearing a polo shirt (or shirts) and is the collar popped? it is,well shucks. does he have at least one inane ear piercing and or tattoo? He does? does he have a prefrayed hat brim, a visor worn upside down or sideways (or both), and/or a shell necklace? He does? well then, if you answered yes to at least 2, congradulations, you are sitting next to the american bro, also known as a tool, a douchebag, a guido or fucksucker. Here are some pictured examples

Look at these fags, disgusting. and we wonder why americas education system is trailing? also Not pictured: anyone interested in Pussy.

words don't even describe this guys inane shitheadery, what.a.turd. I hope he gets 4 types of uncurable cancer that rot him painfully, what a drain on society in general.

and we come to our first entry of the Encycbropedia, which is actually more like a dictionary, but whatever, there will be encyclopedic entries here too. our first word is

BRONG

what is a brong? a Brong is a gathering of bros, from all corners of the bro world, at least 5 bros must be present for it to go from brofest to BRONG. Copious amounts of Natty, too much jack johnson, and more lacrosse sticks than anyone knows what to do with will undoubtedly be present. this is a gathering of douchebags, and can be used in a variety of ways, as shown here

Bro 1: Yo brah, wheres Matteo? we were supposed to watch family guy together, Brah.

Bro 2: Brah, he went to Chads Brong-a-thon, they're playing painball.

it it these things that make you want to punt children.

why does everyone look sweet smoking a cigar

I have been wondering for some time now, perhaps someone can answer me this epic riddle:

why do all people look totally badass smoking cigars?

look at the pictures people:


check out this broad, normally she's an average looking chick, a cigar in her hands, instant Man wood for her, what guy wouldn't bone her like crazy? I know I would tear that ass apart like Lions do fucking zebras.
check out this cat, suit, beard, cigar, does it get more manly? no, he's some explosions and lesbians away from reaching critical levels of badass and being Tom brady or Josh Homme or Alexander Hamilton
Oh crap, look at that fella. suit, smoking room, SWEET GLASSES, AND A CIGAR?! Tell me that guy isn't so deep in pussy he doesn't know what to do with it, he's giving it away like its a fucking moving day.

without fail, a cigar makes an ordinary man into a badass. Shit, cigars turn pussyass animals into pimps, if blogspot wasn't being gayer than rosie o donnel, this would be the portion of my blog were I'd have a sweet duck smoking.

thats all for today bitches, have a balls to the wall, tits on a rope good easter.

welcome readers

Hello, Hola, Guten tag, Konnichiwa, bonjour and all the other languages on this great planet of ours. Welcome to My blog, the Kwanzaa gecko. What you should know about me: I am a loudmouth, filterless, funnyman who hates things and loves things. Stuff you will find here includes:

Rants on everything from Politics to crappy TV (Hello Rock of Love)

Inappropriate politically incorrect "jokes"

gross stereotypes that end up being truthful

the Encycbropedia brotannica (a simple life and times of your american bro)

All the explosions, zombies, tits and other masculine things you will ever need

some hardcore honesty

liberal use of the phrase "Nut Butter".

basically whatever the hell I want to post about. first real post will be later today, but till then, goodbye and all the other crap