so the pope resigned recently, and now we have no pope living in the pope palace, doing important pope business ( a source of mine has revealed that popin ain't easy) now, since we have no new pope, I nominate me for the election.why would I make a good pope?
1. I look good in hats
half the job of being pope is wearing the pope hat, wielding the mighty Pope staff to what I presume is summon lasers and/or dragons and/or laser dragons to do my bidding, I look pretty solid in hats, so I think that one is a no brainer, really.
2. I'm not catholic
you'd think this one is an against, but really, we could use some fresh eyes on all these important Pope Problems, and who better than someone who doesn't fundamentally believe in a pope?
3. I am AWESOME at hiding shit.
pedophiles? in MY church? why I never! I mean seriously, between all the molest-y priests and the fact that there are some cool secrets in the pope castle ( I'm guessing a passageway to those laser dragons and probably a real nice Italian joint in there too), I won't tell anyone, I promise.
4. need someone to not come up with good ideas?
I mean christ, I spent most of last april sleeping the day away, eating french toast breakfest sandwiches out of shitty eggs and bacon, and generally doing nothing. you need a way to make sure nothing changes and your fantastically corrupt group stays in power? I'm your man.
5. I'll move the Pope Palace
sorry, but living in italys not my game. I'd rather NOT live in a mafia run shit-hole with a government so unstable, the french think that THEIR systm is better than yours. where to? either a floating mobile Pope castle, or somewhere nice and comfy where I won't have to deal with comically bad government and I can generally relax, I'm thinking Portugal.
6. i will send you to heaven if you vote for me, and to hell if I don't
apparently the Pope has the ability to retroactively send people to heaven and/or hell ( I mean, if he's got one, he's got the other, right) so a vote for me is an easy way into haven with all its magic strippers and chick-fil-a bars and everyone gets their own kate upton. if you don't, well, do you want to be stuck in hell, eating arbys and forced to hang out with coked out real housewives? what if I send hitler to one of them? CAUSE I CAN DO THAT, APPARENTLY, SO A VOTE FOR ME IS A VOTE AGAINST HITLER.
7. I'll share some nice honorary titles with ya'll.
who wants a visit from the globetrotters? who wants to go chill out with some guys in funny outfits who are swiss and make cheese? ya'll invited, so don't worry
8. I'll modernize being pope
we need to take this ish into the 21st century, so we'll be hard at work on robot priests, holy jetpacks, and from the new mobile pope palace, a sweet new Pope channel to display all my good ideas and air psych reruns when we want them. also? dubstep thursdays and rock music fridays on WPOP, the all new pope music station dedicated to getting my important ideas out there, ranging from who runs the pokemon government to how to fix the economy, to if you're being an asshat and if you have to worry about my laser dragons (you might!)
9. I will be hard at work sainting important people
no one gets sainted anymore, and this is a goddamn shame. first person on the list is the legendary Ol Dirty Bastard from the Wu tang clan, then the first guy to discover fried chicken is delicious, and a whole other list of people, including:
all of the Wu-tang Clan
Boylan, for making delicious root beer
whoever made football so kick ass
Marty Brodeur
Iron Man, Thor and Captain America, along with hulk. the fucker with the bow is left out for reasons that should be obvious
the first guy to make pokemon happen, along with all the pokemon.
randall cunningham (sorry Mikey vick, but dog fighting isn't saint worthy. and thats double for you, shady mccoy, FOR SO RIGHTEOUSLY FUCKING MY FANTASY TEAM THIS YEAR, YOU ASS)
Goku, Vegeta, Gohan and Piccolo
everyone involved with Arrested development and archer
the founder of Wawa
the first guy to do biscuits and gravy
whoever discovered all the cheeses
derek jeter
Kate upton
that kris humphries commercial where he says dope.
Josh Homme and dave Grohl
Tony Bourdain
and of course, 2 CHAAAAINZ.
why so many, you ask? because we'll need all of them for the apocalypse thats coming on our side for reasons that should be obvious. whose getting hell sent, you ask?
curt schilling, easy
Curt schilling again
everyone involved with 2 and a half men
whoever let twilight get this big.
Aquaman
Lil Wayne
Tiki Barber
Guy fieri
youtube comment war starters
everyone on glee
coldplay
whoever greenlit the rock climbing commercial where the girl won't shut up.
10. i'll be pope for a while
we need a hot young candidate for pope so we don;t have to keep switching this ish up every 8 years, its not the president, its the pope, we need a guy whose adaptable, who will be in favor of giving his body to science to roboticize for later use o I can be the first pope with a robot arm cannon, built in space suit and the ability to fly and colonize space for future generations. these are the things we need from our Pope. so vote right, catholics ( I dunno, do each of you get a vote? I feel like you should) and vote gecko for Pope in 2013.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
fall stomps your neutz
FUCK.ME. its fucking BACK people! thats right, the king of entertainment is back, Breaking Bad ended this past sunday, and with that, I can safely say summer is over. was your summer a not bummer summer? good, mine was awesome. but lets get on something important now, mainly that the 2nd best season of all is here. thats right bitches, FUCKING AUTUMN IN THIS BITCH!!!! what makes Autumn 2nd best season you ask? well lets break it down.
reason 1. FOOTBAW
I don't care if every football player dies at 50, crippled and pissing himself. ain't anyone I know and they made millions, so suck on that, ESPN. I get to spend the next 4 months rooting for my beloved eagles to go 10-6, make me invent new swear words, turn into a violent, angry person come december and january. I get to root for the possibility that Eli Manning and Tim Tebow both die in glory hole related accidents. I get to spend my sundays wishing sweet death upon my opponents fantasy players, while praying that this year I get to kick just as much ass as the year before. and on top of all of that: COLLEGE FOOTBALL. ain't no hatin like college football hatin. I bet you could put 20 alabama and LSU fans in a room and watch them rip each other apart with their bare, rednecky hands. college football features whackier offenses, skullet rocking head coaches, and hilarious corruption. who isn't in? I know I am. go Rutgers, the only *farts, sniffs it* PUUUURE school in all college football. i get to enjoy all sorts of 12 hour football marathons and viscious hatred for the next 3 months.
reason 2. tee vee!
the dramas are in the spring and summer, so fall is comedy season. all the great shows are comin back, from Happy Endings to Parks and Rec. I get to pray community lives and watch as it is ripped apart, enjoy the last season of 30 rock, and wonder why the fuck the office is still around. ABC right now is the strongest network (sorry NBC, but Happy endings and Modern family? thats a killer combo, plus don't trust the Bitch in apartment 23). your parents will watch CBS and enjoy the procedurals, while I will watch How I met your Mother and resist the urge to punch ted Mosby in the face for being such a fucking tool. I get to enjoy its always sunny in Philadelphia and the league, which is the best hour of comedy on tv all year. do you not watch either? get on it, always sunny is the most consistently funny, rude half hour on tv, while the league is more like watching your extremely funny group of friends just riff with each other, but better in every way because its filled with that deep seated hatred over something silly (fantasy football) that binds people. in the drama category, Dexter is back for another season, so theres that, as is Sons of anarchy, another show that has petered out to a degree. Homelands back for season 2 after a strong first season. the fall drama slate, all in all, is loaded with a bunch of shows that are simply ok, and thats fine. Sunday nights (the drama night, if you're a TV Junkie) is already full of sunday night football, so I have no issue if its filled with shows that are merely eh, and besides, we have so many great comedies coming back, we should be happy.
reason 3. HOLIDAYS!!!
Summer is too hot to have holidays, and while spring has easter, its got nothing else with it. Fall Has Halloween, one of the great days in human history where you get candy as a child, drunk as an adult and then party hard and see women in slutty costumes. then, just a few weeks later, is thanksgiving, the king of holidays. Thanksgiving has food all day, football, alcohol, pie, a nap thrown in, and best of all, leftovers. I love my thanksgiving leftover sandwich possibly more than thanksgiving itself, because its so.fucking.good. I'm a man who rocks the dark meat, some stuffing, green bean casserole, gravy and cranberry sauce, smush it down and eat it in the most horrifying matter possible. I am known to nearly die on thanksgiving unhinging my jaw like an anaconda for food, because I will be damned if I am beaten to the dark meat by my idiot brother. but back to halloween, do you realize that few holidays rule across all ages? as a kid, you get candy for nothing. as a teenager, you got elaborate costumes, as a young adult, drunken parties, and as a grown man with no kids, drinking and monster movies. god, fall kicks the shit out of summer. Summer is hot, sticky, too long and filled with awkward bathing suits (not me, I rock a delightful stars and stripes board shorts that makes me nearly irresistable to the ladies) and on top of all of that, theres no good summer holidays. the 4th is ok, and it IS america day, but theres no good holidays. jesus, fall rules so hard I am harder than wolverines bones after hanging out around weapon X too long. I cannot emphasis all the reason fall ghettostomps, but its so ballar it hurt.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
dear 90's nostalgia: die in a chimp attack
do you know whats been grinding my gears, gang? the fact that every thumbdicked, pastythighed, 2 cent assclown on facebook thinks he (or she, I'm not sexist ladies!) is thinking that OMG THE 90'S LOL I AM SO CLEVER FOR IT GAIZ. let me put a rest to this right now.
if you are, as of this reading, under 18 (and I am probably being liberal with my dating here) sorry! you missed out on 90's nostalgia, enjoy reminiscing for fairly odd-parents and jimmy neutron and all that, but as for the early stuff? nope. in fact, if it was made on nickelodeon or cartoon network or disney before 1996, you don't get to reminisce about it. Yes, I group Rugrats in there, you can have the shitty ones with dill and kimi, but I will keep the originals.
you can have rocket power and spongebob, even though I love Rocket Power very very much. you can keep figure it out and invader zim (despite the fact figure it out had summer sanders, who was a FOX AND A HALF). you can Have all that with leeroy and fuzz and danny tamberelli, the only ginger italian to ever live. seriously, check em
Now, you can have late 90's all that and figure it out Tamberelli, but I will keep Little Pete Danny Tamberelli and fight for Pete and Pete to my grave, because pete and pete is, quite simply, the best show ever made, and a shining example of a show that does NOT get its dick sucked nearly the amount it deserves by so called "90's kids". oh, you remember how LOLHILARIOUS rugrats in paris is, yet you can't remember Little petes Tattoos name? NO NOSTALGIA FOR YOU AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
its overblown and overdone, people like "I miss the good ole days". the good ole days of what? being a kid? yeah, its solid, but kids can't drink, drive, drink AND drive (note: don't drink and drive, its bad, mmmkay?), they can't buy anything, they can't remember things that far back, and they are generally just not that interesting to hang out with. we all miss being kids, doesn't mean we need to bitch about it. and on top of that, do you know how annoying it is for us to say we miss the good old days? christ, we are not even 30 yet and we are pining for days gone by? at least our parents had the common decency to wait till they were old and shitty and boring to pine for the good ole days and how they made the world a real good place to live and fuck you for not doing anything with YOUR life. god, we are so stupid we get nostalgic for stuff that happened yesterday, we dont even bother looking forward to the future because we are too busy shoving our heads up our asses and sniffing it and wondering why it smelt like angels and bacon and Blake Livelys hair yesterday, and today its all awful and shitty and it will never be as good as it was then.
Do you guys realize how balls to the wall awesome the future is going to be? Jetpacks! hoverboards! we're a mere 30 years or so away from the singularity, when moores law (which states computing power doubles every 18 months) will finally, hopefully, cross the threshold for the ability to store a human mind on a hard drive. let me put it to you this way: you will live forever in a fantasy world your mind controls in what will likely be a robot body. HOW.AWESOME.IS.THAT?! I'll let that sink in for a second people. we're going to go to mars in our lifetime, get pictures of pluto, maybe perfect fusion here or there, solve great mysteries of physics, dig something ballar up from under the earth. we'll find new elements and write new books, create great works of art and elect our own awful politicians. soon we'll have our own weiner kids who will be watching robot sesame street and listening to music that makes us want to throw up in our mouths. Are there lots of shitty problems that people of the previous generation have caused? of course. but it is our job to clean up their shit and leave a whole new mess of shit for the next generation to clean up while we get old and bitch about stuff. I for one can't wait for that. but I've been side-tracked.
don't get me wrong, the 90's ruled in a lot of ways, but theres plenty of the 90's that sucked. let us not forget the 90's gave the cowboys success and brett favre too. let us not forget some of the truly awful shows of the 90's (catdog anyone? My Cousin Skeeter? Caitlins way? 2 stupid dogs?), or the fact that while grunge does rule, late 90's music is mostly ass, do you know ANYONE who wishes for a backstreet boys reunion who isn't a girl, or the fact that the spice girls existed then? it wasn't all pete and pete and wild n crazy kids. it was not all darkwing duck and mighty morphin power rangers, there was plenty of awful, awful shit during the 90's that we casually sweep under the rug in favor of rocket power.
that being said, heres my simple 90's checklist, you need at least 80 percent of these to be considered sufficiently 90's to have nostalgia. if you lack these, sorry for party rocking, but no nostalgia for you, you get to enjoy the awful life of early aughtstalgia:
did you own a SNES or Genesis? (there is NO and in this scenario, and Genesis all the way)
consequently, N64 or PS1 (this you can have an and, but if you do, you're probably lacking in a soul)
do you know Mike O'malley (Kappa sigma!) for his work on Glee or for his legendary 4 words that changed America? (if you chose glee, you can leave and never come back)
did you find mew under the truck?
you know for a fact that the x-men cartoon is light years better than hugh jackman nancing about as Wolverine.
did you also hate the little kid on the car power rangers, and was 100 percent of the reason because he got to hang out with Tommy?
Oregon trail: beatable or not beatable?
how good were you at type to learn (for the record, I RULED type to learns shit and made it cry tears of blood and stole from its family)
did you believe you can fly? did you in fact, get shot by the FBI? was all you wanted a chicken wing, from McDonalds or Burger King?
who enjoyed kenan and kel? No one? good, because my brother and me was the superior show and we all know it.
why was vanessa on both my brother and me AND gulla gulla island?
the best episodes of Magic schoolbus were.... (there IS a right answer to this one)
waking up early for pokemon: the best? (side: I woke up early once for pokemon, saw the episode where ash and pikachu meet the gang of wild pikachu, and ash LETS PIKACHU GO. I missed the end because I had to catch the bus and barely made it through school. worst day ever)
can you sing the full house theme song? failing that, Family matters or Married with children will suffice.
do you remember when the simpsons was actually the best show ever? no? thats a paddlin.
legends of the hidden temple. pick a team. any team (Spoiler: if you pick the silver snakes, you're a toolbox)
How did we dominate the olympics, yet lose Global GUTS on our own turf?
how was global GUTS global if only like, 5 countries competed?
Mark Summers: guy on unwrapped or...original host...of double dare?
sports illustrated for kids: the best?
did you secretly love the hornets for their boss colors? ditto for the mighty ducks (AND ONLY ZEE MIGHTY DUCKS PEOPLE)
you remember when Hockey was on ESPN and was more legit than the NBA and MLB.
you grew up with 3 certainties in sports: the yankees would win a world series, Pat Summeral sounded AWESOME and you would get roughly 2000000 baseball games a year on tv.
the sandlot is the best movie about baseball and whomever greenlit the 2nd and 3rd ones should be tried in a manner not dissimilar to the nuremberg trials.
you had the best collection of VHS' on the block.
Pablo sanchez was THE.MAN.
Seinfeld kicked so much ass, what was the deal with how jerry talked? why did you talk like that way too?
how many capri-sun cell phones did you have? where you fold it up and talk to it like you're a big important man?
Lunchables: amazing or UH-MAH-ZING?
if you are, as of this reading, under 18 (and I am probably being liberal with my dating here) sorry! you missed out on 90's nostalgia, enjoy reminiscing for fairly odd-parents and jimmy neutron and all that, but as for the early stuff? nope. in fact, if it was made on nickelodeon or cartoon network or disney before 1996, you don't get to reminisce about it. Yes, I group Rugrats in there, you can have the shitty ones with dill and kimi, but I will keep the originals.
you can have rocket power and spongebob, even though I love Rocket Power very very much. you can keep figure it out and invader zim (despite the fact figure it out had summer sanders, who was a FOX AND A HALF). you can Have all that with leeroy and fuzz and danny tamberelli, the only ginger italian to ever live. seriously, check em
 |
| noted thing Danny Tamberelli doesn't have I do? SOUL. |
Now, you can have late 90's all that and figure it out Tamberelli, but I will keep Little Pete Danny Tamberelli and fight for Pete and Pete to my grave, because pete and pete is, quite simply, the best show ever made, and a shining example of a show that does NOT get its dick sucked nearly the amount it deserves by so called "90's kids". oh, you remember how LOLHILARIOUS rugrats in paris is, yet you can't remember Little petes Tattoos name? NO NOSTALGIA FOR YOU AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
its overblown and overdone, people like "I miss the good ole days". the good ole days of what? being a kid? yeah, its solid, but kids can't drink, drive, drink AND drive (note: don't drink and drive, its bad, mmmkay?), they can't buy anything, they can't remember things that far back, and they are generally just not that interesting to hang out with. we all miss being kids, doesn't mean we need to bitch about it. and on top of that, do you know how annoying it is for us to say we miss the good old days? christ, we are not even 30 yet and we are pining for days gone by? at least our parents had the common decency to wait till they were old and shitty and boring to pine for the good ole days and how they made the world a real good place to live and fuck you for not doing anything with YOUR life. god, we are so stupid we get nostalgic for stuff that happened yesterday, we dont even bother looking forward to the future because we are too busy shoving our heads up our asses and sniffing it and wondering why it smelt like angels and bacon and Blake Livelys hair yesterday, and today its all awful and shitty and it will never be as good as it was then.
Do you guys realize how balls to the wall awesome the future is going to be? Jetpacks! hoverboards! we're a mere 30 years or so away from the singularity, when moores law (which states computing power doubles every 18 months) will finally, hopefully, cross the threshold for the ability to store a human mind on a hard drive. let me put it to you this way: you will live forever in a fantasy world your mind controls in what will likely be a robot body. HOW.AWESOME.IS.THAT?! I'll let that sink in for a second people. we're going to go to mars in our lifetime, get pictures of pluto, maybe perfect fusion here or there, solve great mysteries of physics, dig something ballar up from under the earth. we'll find new elements and write new books, create great works of art and elect our own awful politicians. soon we'll have our own weiner kids who will be watching robot sesame street and listening to music that makes us want to throw up in our mouths. Are there lots of shitty problems that people of the previous generation have caused? of course. but it is our job to clean up their shit and leave a whole new mess of shit for the next generation to clean up while we get old and bitch about stuff. I for one can't wait for that. but I've been side-tracked.
don't get me wrong, the 90's ruled in a lot of ways, but theres plenty of the 90's that sucked. let us not forget the 90's gave the cowboys success and brett favre too. let us not forget some of the truly awful shows of the 90's (catdog anyone? My Cousin Skeeter? Caitlins way? 2 stupid dogs?), or the fact that while grunge does rule, late 90's music is mostly ass, do you know ANYONE who wishes for a backstreet boys reunion who isn't a girl, or the fact that the spice girls existed then? it wasn't all pete and pete and wild n crazy kids. it was not all darkwing duck and mighty morphin power rangers, there was plenty of awful, awful shit during the 90's that we casually sweep under the rug in favor of rocket power.
that being said, heres my simple 90's checklist, you need at least 80 percent of these to be considered sufficiently 90's to have nostalgia. if you lack these, sorry for party rocking, but no nostalgia for you, you get to enjoy the awful life of early aughtstalgia:
did you own a SNES or Genesis? (there is NO and in this scenario, and Genesis all the way)
consequently, N64 or PS1 (this you can have an and, but if you do, you're probably lacking in a soul)
do you know Mike O'malley (Kappa sigma!) for his work on Glee or for his legendary 4 words that changed America? (if you chose glee, you can leave and never come back)
did you find mew under the truck?
you know for a fact that the x-men cartoon is light years better than hugh jackman nancing about as Wolverine.
did you also hate the little kid on the car power rangers, and was 100 percent of the reason because he got to hang out with Tommy?
Oregon trail: beatable or not beatable?
how good were you at type to learn (for the record, I RULED type to learns shit and made it cry tears of blood and stole from its family)
did you believe you can fly? did you in fact, get shot by the FBI? was all you wanted a chicken wing, from McDonalds or Burger King?
who enjoyed kenan and kel? No one? good, because my brother and me was the superior show and we all know it.
why was vanessa on both my brother and me AND gulla gulla island?
the best episodes of Magic schoolbus were.... (there IS a right answer to this one)
waking up early for pokemon: the best? (side: I woke up early once for pokemon, saw the episode where ash and pikachu meet the gang of wild pikachu, and ash LETS PIKACHU GO. I missed the end because I had to catch the bus and barely made it through school. worst day ever)
can you sing the full house theme song? failing that, Family matters or Married with children will suffice.
do you remember when the simpsons was actually the best show ever? no? thats a paddlin.
legends of the hidden temple. pick a team. any team (Spoiler: if you pick the silver snakes, you're a toolbox)
How did we dominate the olympics, yet lose Global GUTS on our own turf?
how was global GUTS global if only like, 5 countries competed?
Mark Summers: guy on unwrapped or...original host...of double dare?
sports illustrated for kids: the best?
did you secretly love the hornets for their boss colors? ditto for the mighty ducks (AND ONLY ZEE MIGHTY DUCKS PEOPLE)
you remember when Hockey was on ESPN and was more legit than the NBA and MLB.
you grew up with 3 certainties in sports: the yankees would win a world series, Pat Summeral sounded AWESOME and you would get roughly 2000000 baseball games a year on tv.
the sandlot is the best movie about baseball and whomever greenlit the 2nd and 3rd ones should be tried in a manner not dissimilar to the nuremberg trials.
you had the best collection of VHS' on the block.
Pablo sanchez was THE.MAN.
Seinfeld kicked so much ass, what was the deal with how jerry talked? why did you talk like that way too?
how many capri-sun cell phones did you have? where you fold it up and talk to it like you're a big important man?
Lunchables: amazing or UH-MAH-ZING?
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
april kicks ass and march sucks a boatload of old people taint
goddamn, february is mediocre.its cold, theres one good sporting event (the super bowl) no excuses to party and presidents day. it is also the beginning of the worst stretch known to man, from after the super bowl to april might as well be called "ha ha fucko, enjoy having nothing to do" really, whats in march that makes you go hard enough to mine diamonds? St patricks days ok, and march madness is cool, I guess, but those both come towards the end of march. you realize march is 31 days? thats 34 days too much of fucking march. March may have spring break, but its too damn cold to enjoy it. if you meet anyone who ranks march as a good month, that person is probably suffering from brain damage and is useless to society. seriouly, fuck March.
April? now April kicks ass. Aprils got good tv (mad men AND game of thrones?! sploodge) weather that humans can actually enjoy, sports that are actually good to watch, with the NHL and NBA playoffs beginning (and in the NBA's case, never really ending), the Masters on sunday, Baseball opening up and the goddamn NFL draft. the NFL draft is the super bowl for hardcore NFL people like myself, I get all wet in the pants at draft time because its so balls to the wall awesome. do I watch all 7 rounds? fuck and yes I do. Do I do mock drafts and follow player stock from september till draft day? HA-YUPPPPP. and andrew luck, you guys hear about andrew luck? he went to stanford! he wants to be an architect! HE'S SO BEAUTIFULLY WHITE, IT IS HE WHO SHALL SAVE US FROM THE HIPPITY HOPPITY ME FIRST SPEED THIEVES OF THE CURRENT NFL AND USHER IN A NEW AGE OF JOHNNY UNITAS AND VINCE LOMBARDIS AND *Old white man bukkake*
seriously, if we're gonna have one NFL prospect get blown, it damn well better be one who deserves it, like noted dreamboat/future hall of famer Matt Barkley, or Robert griffin model 3.0. but anyway, I digress
april also (usually) houes the mot underrated holiday of the year. thats right, Easter. Now, I know what your thinking "Easter sucks! church is hot and i hate wearing nice clothes" I agree on all counts, but easter also has lamb, and lamb is just the best, you guys. seriously, Lamb is delicious and yummy and its so perfect and oh now its like watching a kate upton video in slow motion for me.
morever, Easters one of three holidays (thanksgiving and christmas being the other two ) where I see my extended, kickass family. my family, for the record, is much better than yours and you will have to accept this on pure conjecture, its ok, I know your jealous, but if your lucky, you'll marry in and realize how kickass we are. My familys snot the type that gets together and fingers each other on arbor day, we get together for important holidays and thats it. no muss, no fuss no coconuts, so add that to the reasons april rules.
Aprils weather is terrific also. its warm and enjoyable, and days are routinely in the gecko sweetspot of 45-70 degrees, i can wear shorts outside and begin to drink outdoors at 3 PM. Barbeque comes back too, fuck I love barbeque, nothing beats pulled pork or some ribs with potato salad or mac salad or burgers and dogs on the grill. March has none of this shit, its still too cold for all this and the occasional warm march day is overshadowed by the pantheon of suck that is freezing balls cold in march. seriously March, go fuck yourself, we should eliminate you entirely so the calender goes like this
January
february (abbreviated to 5 days)
APRILFUCKYESITSAPRIL
may
June
julaugustly (combining July an august into one hot 62 day shithole of a month)
september AKA football month 1
doctemver (a combo month of the last 3, with halloween, christmas and thanksgiving all appreciated equally, plus MORE FOOTBALL and less shitty parts)
really, we still use a calender made by people who thought vomitorums were cool and struggled to invade France, we need a calender that properly kicks ass for our modern times. I'm embarassed for us, society, lets fix it and give April its due as the best month of the year.
April? now April kicks ass. Aprils got good tv (mad men AND game of thrones?! sploodge) weather that humans can actually enjoy, sports that are actually good to watch, with the NHL and NBA playoffs beginning (and in the NBA's case, never really ending), the Masters on sunday, Baseball opening up and the goddamn NFL draft. the NFL draft is the super bowl for hardcore NFL people like myself, I get all wet in the pants at draft time because its so balls to the wall awesome. do I watch all 7 rounds? fuck and yes I do. Do I do mock drafts and follow player stock from september till draft day? HA-YUPPPPP. and andrew luck, you guys hear about andrew luck? he went to stanford! he wants to be an architect! HE'S SO BEAUTIFULLY WHITE, IT IS HE WHO SHALL SAVE US FROM THE HIPPITY HOPPITY ME FIRST SPEED THIEVES OF THE CURRENT NFL AND USHER IN A NEW AGE OF JOHNNY UNITAS AND VINCE LOMBARDIS AND *Old white man bukkake*
seriously, if we're gonna have one NFL prospect get blown, it damn well better be one who deserves it, like noted dreamboat/future hall of famer Matt Barkley, or Robert griffin model 3.0. but anyway, I digress
april also (usually) houes the mot underrated holiday of the year. thats right, Easter. Now, I know what your thinking "Easter sucks! church is hot and i hate wearing nice clothes" I agree on all counts, but easter also has lamb, and lamb is just the best, you guys. seriously, Lamb is delicious and yummy and its so perfect and oh now its like watching a kate upton video in slow motion for me.
 |
| that sound you just heard is my erection hitting the moon over this shit. |
morever, Easters one of three holidays (thanksgiving and christmas being the other two ) where I see my extended, kickass family. my family, for the record, is much better than yours and you will have to accept this on pure conjecture, its ok, I know your jealous, but if your lucky, you'll marry in and realize how kickass we are. My familys snot the type that gets together and fingers each other on arbor day, we get together for important holidays and thats it. no muss, no fuss no coconuts, so add that to the reasons april rules.
Aprils weather is terrific also. its warm and enjoyable, and days are routinely in the gecko sweetspot of 45-70 degrees, i can wear shorts outside and begin to drink outdoors at 3 PM. Barbeque comes back too, fuck I love barbeque, nothing beats pulled pork or some ribs with potato salad or mac salad or burgers and dogs on the grill. March has none of this shit, its still too cold for all this and the occasional warm march day is overshadowed by the pantheon of suck that is freezing balls cold in march. seriously March, go fuck yourself, we should eliminate you entirely so the calender goes like this
January
february (abbreviated to 5 days)
APRILFUCKYESITSAPRIL
may
June
julaugustly (combining July an august into one hot 62 day shithole of a month)
september AKA football month 1
doctemver (a combo month of the last 3, with halloween, christmas and thanksgiving all appreciated equally, plus MORE FOOTBALL and less shitty parts)
really, we still use a calender made by people who thought vomitorums were cool and struggled to invade France, we need a calender that properly kicks ass for our modern times. I'm embarassed for us, society, lets fix it and give April its due as the best month of the year.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
game of thrones rules
seriously though, back to game of thrones. do you like your tv served with a side of kickass and topped off with pure, unfiltered guitar solos? than game of thrones is for you. heres a quick rundown of season 1s most ballar moments
dwarven man has sex with 3 women.
a horse gets decapitated, here, I'll show you!
a guy gets stabbed through the eye.
a girl eats a horse heart.raw.
a bitchy 13 year old boy gets smacked in the mouth by a midget.twice.
a guy gets killed by molten gold being poured on his head. SO FUCKING METAL YOU GUYS check it
twincest. lotsa twinsect
a man dies by getting owned, then falls a few hundred feet down a hole.
an italian man kicks the shit out of armed guards with a wooden sword.
a fat guy gets smacked around by swords.
a eunuch who looks like a full grown baby being a puppet master like a boss.
the most unlikable doucheliscious tv character in many moons in joffery baratheon. kids a straight ANUS.
a guy pulls his best friends tongue out through his throat, then does one of the best come at me bros of all.time. check it
a guy gets stabbed int he neck,t hen GUSHES BLOOD HOLY SHIT
a midget brains a dude with a shield
and so much more badass stuff that your mindhole might not be able to take it. but besides all this ballar-osity going down, there is plenty of good artsy fartsy stuff. the characters are extremely well written and acted, for one. theres more balls in Game of thrones than on all of CBS combined, no one is safe, no character is too liked to die, no story is out of bounds. Listen, I loev tv, I love violence, and I love tits. Game of thrones has all 3 in spades. if you can, watch season 1 ASAP. we've got less than 2 months till season 2 on HBO, and i for one cannot.fucking.WAIT. sunday nights with mad men AND game of thrones? My dick is hard enough to go diamond mining with. I could cut wolverines bones with my nipples I am so fucking pumped. Don Draper and Tyrion Lannister? Roger Sterling and Robb Stark? Peggy olson and Danaerys targaryen? I am fucking excited, you guys. if you're not? well fuck off, Imma be rocking a trimester of an erection for the duration of this shit.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
lets leave this shit behind in 2011
the new year is upon us, so without further ado, let me begin dumping tuff I don't want from 2011 and keeping it in 2011. preferably forever
sports lockouts. god, we almost lost the NFL this year! I'd have choked godell's ginger ass out for that
Adam sandler movies. really, Sandlers playing jack AND jill? and people will pay to see that? for shame America.
Kardashians. no explantion encessary
Michelle Bachmann. women be craycray ya'll!
Herman Cain. Pokemon quotes can come back though.
the philadelphia eagles 2011 season
colin cowherd. what a douche, supporting lebron and hating people for not having dads.
Planking, owling. its nonsense, its not funny
LeBron James. just cause you have more money than me doesn't mean your not a massive scrotum.
the great white hope that is Andrew luck. "oh he went back! he goes to stanford! lets give him the Heisman, only for RG3 to earn it!" choke on my balls, old white people.
college football scandals that have nothing to do with playing the game, does anyone care that terrelle pryor got paid for doing his job?
Hipster comedies on network tv.
Political idiots, left and right. god do they suck "durr durr durr lets argue about pointless shit when our country has real issues"
fox news. all of it.
guy fieri. really, he should just go back to 1999 where he belongs
whitney cummings, fuck that broad and her creepy puppet face.
tyler the creator, failing to learn the lessons of 9 year olds everywhere, using bad words doesn't make you a badass.
Lady Gaga. god what a twat
awards season movies. War horse looks like a parody of an awards season movies. WAR HORSE DUNDUNDUNDUN. HE'S A HORSE IN A WAR.
the name Jayden. its time it dies people.
the lack of mad men. wheres Jon Hamm supposed to be handsome on tv now, people? where is my smoking and drinking at 9 AM on a tuesday? goddammit
the fact we've had two coldplay albums since the last queens of the stone age one. the fuck people?
the Green Lantern. any person whose weakness includes bananas and ducks is an aquaman level of useless
tune in before christmas to see
sports lockouts. god, we almost lost the NFL this year! I'd have choked godell's ginger ass out for that
Adam sandler movies. really, Sandlers playing jack AND jill? and people will pay to see that? for shame America.
Kardashians. no explantion encessary
Michelle Bachmann. women be craycray ya'll!
Herman Cain. Pokemon quotes can come back though.
the philadelphia eagles 2011 season
colin cowherd. what a douche, supporting lebron and hating people for not having dads.
Planking, owling. its nonsense, its not funny
LeBron James. just cause you have more money than me doesn't mean your not a massive scrotum.
the great white hope that is Andrew luck. "oh he went back! he goes to stanford! lets give him the Heisman, only for RG3 to earn it!" choke on my balls, old white people.
college football scandals that have nothing to do with playing the game, does anyone care that terrelle pryor got paid for doing his job?
Hipster comedies on network tv.
Political idiots, left and right. god do they suck "durr durr durr lets argue about pointless shit when our country has real issues"
fox news. all of it.
guy fieri. really, he should just go back to 1999 where he belongs
whitney cummings, fuck that broad and her creepy puppet face.
tyler the creator, failing to learn the lessons of 9 year olds everywhere, using bad words doesn't make you a badass.
Lady Gaga. god what a twat
awards season movies. War horse looks like a parody of an awards season movies. WAR HORSE DUNDUNDUNDUN. HE'S A HORSE IN A WAR.
the name Jayden. its time it dies people.
the lack of mad men. wheres Jon Hamm supposed to be handsome on tv now, people? where is my smoking and drinking at 9 AM on a tuesday? goddammit
the fact we've had two coldplay albums since the last queens of the stone age one. the fuck people?
the Green Lantern. any person whose weakness includes bananas and ducks is an aquaman level of useless
tune in before christmas to see
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn goodbye, a letter to my faithful
dear loyal readers:
I am sorry to say that my days as Kwanzaa gecko, blogger jack of all trades are over. yes, yes, cue your celebrationss, bust out your champagne. However, this is far from the end of my time on blogspot, or blogging for that matter.
you see, I've made a decision that, if I want to make it big as a blogger (part of me does, I'll be honest) I need to hone my craft writing about something I legitimately care about, something on which I feel I have solid opinions and ideas. yes, television, I will be opening my very own tv blog. tv blogs, their slightly less common than sports blogs! now for a quick Q&A about this new endevour
1. does this mean you're closing this blog?
no, I won't be shutting this down, I'll probably occasionally post back here with a rant on something about why Bros need to be kicked in the face or why the world is a better place when white people aren't being so damn cranky about everything. oooh we got an earthquake today. SCARY! kindly suck my taint.
2. what can we expect on your new blog?
well, tv, a lot of tv. my thoughts on television, what shows you should be watching, what shows should be a sign that you deserve to be put down (coughtwoandahalfmencough). if your a denizen of the sports circle of the world, It'll be sort of grantland-esque in the idea of mixing tv and pop culture into one tasty fudge.
3. will you be getting things like credible sources, screeners or common sense?
I'm an extremely credible source, I don't know what a screener is, and no
4.will you finally get an editor?
possibly, I might actually go through and look for grammar mistakes.
5.what will the blog be called?
No idea yet, but I have no doubt a solid arrested development pun will be involved.
6. should I keep reading if I don't like tv?
of course, mister hipster, it'll be the same kwanzaa gecko you know and love. however, to put it this way, instead of throwing 100 noodles on the wall and see which sticks, I'll be firing lasers of high powered hilarity and gut busting greatness at a piece of steel.
7. when will this blog be up?
probably by this sunday I hope to have my first post up.
so long guys, its been a great two and a half years, thanks to all my readers and I hope to see you soon.
I am sorry to say that my days as Kwanzaa gecko, blogger jack of all trades are over. yes, yes, cue your celebrationss, bust out your champagne. However, this is far from the end of my time on blogspot, or blogging for that matter.
you see, I've made a decision that, if I want to make it big as a blogger (part of me does, I'll be honest) I need to hone my craft writing about something I legitimately care about, something on which I feel I have solid opinions and ideas. yes, television, I will be opening my very own tv blog. tv blogs, their slightly less common than sports blogs! now for a quick Q&A about this new endevour
1. does this mean you're closing this blog?
no, I won't be shutting this down, I'll probably occasionally post back here with a rant on something about why Bros need to be kicked in the face or why the world is a better place when white people aren't being so damn cranky about everything. oooh we got an earthquake today. SCARY! kindly suck my taint.
2. what can we expect on your new blog?
well, tv, a lot of tv. my thoughts on television, what shows you should be watching, what shows should be a sign that you deserve to be put down (coughtwoandahalfmencough). if your a denizen of the sports circle of the world, It'll be sort of grantland-esque in the idea of mixing tv and pop culture into one tasty fudge.
3. will you be getting things like credible sources, screeners or common sense?
I'm an extremely credible source, I don't know what a screener is, and no
4.will you finally get an editor?
possibly, I might actually go through and look for grammar mistakes.
5.what will the blog be called?
No idea yet, but I have no doubt a solid arrested development pun will be involved.
6. should I keep reading if I don't like tv?
of course, mister hipster, it'll be the same kwanzaa gecko you know and love. however, to put it this way, instead of throwing 100 noodles on the wall and see which sticks, I'll be firing lasers of high powered hilarity and gut busting greatness at a piece of steel.
7. when will this blog be up?
probably by this sunday I hope to have my first post up.
so long guys, its been a great two and a half years, thanks to all my readers and I hope to see you soon.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
People I can do without: list 2 edition
1000 ways to die is one of those great late night shows because it proves 2 theories that time always proves
1. white people are crazy
2. people are stupid
if you have a loved one who died in 1000 ways to die, then +1 for mankind, because obviously, if you died in some of these stupid fucking ways, then you deserve it. but of course, there are LOTS of people who we can do without, so without further ado....
parents who name their kids with a theme (like all the same starting letter, or names smiliar to their own)
any single person who went to see paul blart zookeeper.
George lucas for making the clone wars suck
the last fucker who still goes to blockbuster.
old people who tell Me you can't beat the feel of a newspaper in your hands.
people who send letters.
any and all girls on the show teen mom
People who don't appreciate farts
the asshole who puts out fancy schmancy wings without also offering buffalo ones
ranch dressing
the asshole who puts in a papa johns in my town, we have so many pizzerias up in this, we don't need your generic shit pizza.
anyone who doesn't have fun saying winklevoss
Light beer
Juggalos
People who buy their kids affections.
Lebron James
Miami heat fans
the dudes on ghost adventures
crotchedy old white people, I can do a whole entry about cranky old white dudes
Texans
the current history channel line up of stupid shows and 2012/bible code shit
conservative dipshits
Liberal shitheads
Penn and Teller
overtly white families
Twilight fans
Utah. all of it
any of the simpsons episodes made post season 10
Ashton Kutcher
the miracle whip ads where they paint miracle whip people as cool, tragically hip people
Hipsters
the Kardashians
the motherfucker with the beret and mustashe on Mythbusters
Youtube comment sections
1. white people are crazy
2. people are stupid
if you have a loved one who died in 1000 ways to die, then +1 for mankind, because obviously, if you died in some of these stupid fucking ways, then you deserve it. but of course, there are LOTS of people who we can do without, so without further ado....
parents who name their kids with a theme (like all the same starting letter, or names smiliar to their own)
any single person who went to see paul blart zookeeper.
George lucas for making the clone wars suck
the last fucker who still goes to blockbuster.
old people who tell Me you can't beat the feel of a newspaper in your hands.
people who send letters.
any and all girls on the show teen mom
People who don't appreciate farts
the asshole who puts out fancy schmancy wings without also offering buffalo ones
ranch dressing
the asshole who puts in a papa johns in my town, we have so many pizzerias up in this, we don't need your generic shit pizza.
anyone who doesn't have fun saying winklevoss
Light beer
Juggalos
People who buy their kids affections.
Lebron James
Miami heat fans
the dudes on ghost adventures
crotchedy old white people, I can do a whole entry about cranky old white dudes
Texans
the current history channel line up of stupid shows and 2012/bible code shit
conservative dipshits
Liberal shitheads
Penn and Teller
overtly white families
Twilight fans
Utah. all of it
any of the simpsons episodes made post season 10
Ashton Kutcher
the miracle whip ads where they paint miracle whip people as cool, tragically hip people
Hipsters
the Kardashians
the motherfucker with the beret and mustashe on Mythbusters
Youtube comment sections
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
HURRDURR or why godaddy thinks I'm an idiot bonus! tv breakdown
if you've read the esteemed gecko gazette (that is, this website, no one under 90 reads newspapers except for crosswords and bridge stuff, nor is it a more esteemed blog because thats the funniest thing ever, blogs with esteem). then you know that I watch a little more tv than the average joe. as I type this sentence, I'm watching tony bourdain go through spain and eat food that I would sell my family into white slavery for. so more often than not, I watch commercials. I've grown to love certain commercials and loathe certain commericals, so thats what we're doing today, breaking down commercials. I am doing this entirely randomly, as I am watching tv, I'll wait for a commerical to come on as we speak, its a semi-live blog. standard 1-10 format, based on how funny/clever they are, how insulting (or lack thereof) they are. do note, I'm trying to avoid info
mercials and ads for a channel or show, its pure commerical 30 second spots here also, I'll be telling you whats on at this hour. why you ask? My wisdom tooth is growing and I can't sleep and this episode of justified isn't loading online, and I'll be damned if I don't get enjoyment out of life.
2:51 AM, spike tv, between manswers: taco bell ad with asif manvi from the daily show. 99 cent crunchwraps? shit, Bin ladens zombie could be selling that while raping my mother and i'd give that ad a 10, thats all I need to know. crunch wraps are the bombs mom. 10/10 for you taco bell! FLIP!
2:53: bourdains still in spain, eating grilled chorizo. I am now hungry for chorizo AKA the sausage king (the sausage king is totally my porn name), CHANNEL FLIP. 8/10 for that
2:55: food network is doing food network challenge, and the challenge is...bake a cake thatsa romance novel cover? 2/10, LONELINESS EARNS NO POINTS HERE, TWILIGHT FANS AND CAT LADIES. eating a cake that looks like a romance book cover is the lonliest activity known to man. period.
2:58: sportscenter top 10. I've always wondered what the true A-team of sportcenter is. is it the two people who do the 9 to noon sportscenter? is it the 6 to 7 PM guys? is it the dudes who do the 1 AM sportscenter that airs roughly 900 times a day? sportcenter power dynamics are fascinating, also, sportscenter power dynamics is my indie band name. sportcenter gets a 8/10, I watch too much of it.
3:05: food networks got unwrapped and the immortal mark summers. Mark summers, for those not in the know, is THE MAN. he hosted double dare on nickelodeon in the 90's, and has the worlds most wonderful voice, he pauses at the best times...in the world. he adds so much drama to otherwise boring situations. Motherfucker made history IQ interesting, I should know, I'm the only person who has ever watched history IQ.Heres a picture of Marc summers
apropos (vocab 5 Van Der Beek!)
thanks VDB! anyway, apropos of nothing, am I the only one who remembers double dare 2000? the show that was trying to be double dare, only the host was a total tool? I bet that guy totally went home and iced people, or whatever the 2000 equivalent of icing was, I dunno, I'll say it was probably circle jerking. that guy was the picasso of bukkake, (mental note: Picassos of bukkake is another good indie band name), except he would get picassokakked, not give out. but taken, all over his chest and face, I bet that guy always lost at toast and was happier for it, but only to prove how ungay he was, He's a classic closet douche and I wish that at whatever waffle house he works at now he gets fired from for hosting double dare 2000, shit, I could and will do a ranking of the nick game shows of the 90's, thank god for later editing, gang! anyway, back to unwrapped rating.
its a 9/10, only because the people on unwrapped have the dumbest titles ever. I'll wait for it, don't worry
3:12: Ice Cream historian! dingdingdingding!
3:20: Pep boys ad! I love pep boys ads because they are simple, no singing animals. though those 3 dudes do look straight creepin though, I'm certain
I think a half hour of this gag works, so let me get to my point. the godaddy ads are fucking.terrible. oooh! this one is over the top! go online to see the UNRATED CONTENT! spoilers! theres no tits! and even if there is, who cares? its on the internet, tits are more common on the internet than funny cats and pictures of dogs, does godaddy live on the mormon internet where there is no tits and dogs (just kidding! Mormon people don't trust the internet), and thus, promising naked tit-tays is a great way to boost pageviews? does anyone know what godaddy even SELLS? I'm baffled, but I'm certain its not porn. does Godaddy think that bu promising some naked tits, that people will flock to their website? do they think us fellas are really that dumb? I mean, sheeeet, I've seen beer ads during a football game with a better message to their male audience than that. christ, I hate advertising, ever since Don Draper left, its just not the same.
mercials and ads for a channel or show, its pure commerical 30 second spots here also, I'll be telling you whats on at this hour. why you ask? My wisdom tooth is growing and I can't sleep and this episode of justified isn't loading online, and I'll be damned if I don't get enjoyment out of life.
2:51 AM, spike tv, between manswers: taco bell ad with asif manvi from the daily show. 99 cent crunchwraps? shit, Bin ladens zombie could be selling that while raping my mother and i'd give that ad a 10, thats all I need to know. crunch wraps are the bombs mom. 10/10 for you taco bell! FLIP!
2:53: bourdains still in spain, eating grilled chorizo. I am now hungry for chorizo AKA the sausage king (the sausage king is totally my porn name), CHANNEL FLIP. 8/10 for that
2:55: food network is doing food network challenge, and the challenge is...bake a cake thatsa romance novel cover? 2/10, LONELINESS EARNS NO POINTS HERE, TWILIGHT FANS AND CAT LADIES. eating a cake that looks like a romance book cover is the lonliest activity known to man. period.
2:58: sportscenter top 10. I've always wondered what the true A-team of sportcenter is. is it the two people who do the 9 to noon sportscenter? is it the 6 to 7 PM guys? is it the dudes who do the 1 AM sportscenter that airs roughly 900 times a day? sportcenter power dynamics are fascinating, also, sportscenter power dynamics is my indie band name. sportcenter gets a 8/10, I watch too much of it.
3:05: food networks got unwrapped and the immortal mark summers. Mark summers, for those not in the know, is THE MAN. he hosted double dare on nickelodeon in the 90's, and has the worlds most wonderful voice, he pauses at the best times...in the world. he adds so much drama to otherwise boring situations. Motherfucker made history IQ interesting, I should know, I'm the only person who has ever watched history IQ.Heres a picture of Marc summers
 |
| Marc Summers....is going to have to dare you to be as cool as him? pass? DOUBLE DARE'D BITCH |
thanks VDB! anyway, apropos of nothing, am I the only one who remembers double dare 2000? the show that was trying to be double dare, only the host was a total tool? I bet that guy totally went home and iced people, or whatever the 2000 equivalent of icing was, I dunno, I'll say it was probably circle jerking. that guy was the picasso of bukkake, (mental note: Picassos of bukkake is another good indie band name), except he would get picassokakked, not give out. but taken, all over his chest and face, I bet that guy always lost at toast and was happier for it, but only to prove how ungay he was, He's a classic closet douche and I wish that at whatever waffle house he works at now he gets fired from for hosting double dare 2000, shit, I could and will do a ranking of the nick game shows of the 90's, thank god for later editing, gang! anyway, back to unwrapped rating.
its a 9/10, only because the people on unwrapped have the dumbest titles ever. I'll wait for it, don't worry
3:12: Ice Cream historian! dingdingdingding!
3:20: Pep boys ad! I love pep boys ads because they are simple, no singing animals. though those 3 dudes do look straight creepin though, I'm certain
 |
| the pep boys in their natural habitat. |
I think a half hour of this gag works, so let me get to my point. the godaddy ads are fucking.terrible. oooh! this one is over the top! go online to see the UNRATED CONTENT! spoilers! theres no tits! and even if there is, who cares? its on the internet, tits are more common on the internet than funny cats and pictures of dogs, does godaddy live on the mormon internet where there is no tits and dogs (just kidding! Mormon people don't trust the internet), and thus, promising naked tit-tays is a great way to boost pageviews? does anyone know what godaddy even SELLS? I'm baffled, but I'm certain its not porn. does Godaddy think that bu promising some naked tits, that people will flock to their website? do they think us fellas are really that dumb? I mean, sheeeet, I've seen beer ads during a football game with a better message to their male audience than that. christ, I hate advertising, ever since Don Draper left, its just not the same.
Monday, May 30, 2011
the weirdest year: a breakdown of our year so far
Jee-zus christ stuffed in a basket, taken to a picnic, and having the ants carry him away, this year has been crazier than a jackrabbit after drinking a lakeful of mountain dew and surge. whats that producer?
ok guys, my producer is telling me to cut back on the southern crazy talk. though, on the other hand, can southerners read? I'm not sure, but I'll venture a maybe on this one. but now I'm just dodging my headline like a deer trying to dodge traffic on a highway but not ultimately knowing where it can get off, so instead of trying to find its way off, it simply keeps avoiding cars and hoping an 18 wheeler doesn't show up and turn its ass into grass. but know i am truly stalling for time, but shit, isn't that what we're all doing? wasting time. your wasting your time reading this, I'm wasting my time writing it, you'll waste more time inevitably not forwarding this to your friends so I can become super popular and begin to get paid in girlfriends and gold dubloons. Producer? what
I am being told gold dubloons are no longer a legitimate way of paying someone. how about pirate treasures? can I be paid in pirate treasures? ok, good. so I want to be paid in girlfriends (preferably your sister, I hear she's easy from my bigger, stronger more tough friends, don't kill the messanger, bud) and pirate treasures. but yes, this year is barely a third over, and every two weeks it seems like new shit is going.down. and not in the boring durr-durr I'm a racist tea-partier watch me bukkake the room with stupid and slowly cause our countries dimise as a superpower sort of news stories. I'm talking like, legit news and shit, I mean the stuff that will be in the history books later. (quick aside: as a future teacher, it boggles my mind when I see the fancy new history books, where they have a chapter on clinton and dubya and 9/11 and iraq and shit, it feels so weird to me to see that, also makes me feel super important that stuff that happened in my lifetime is now considered history, one day this blog will be in a history textbook (note: not actual book, but the info cards (Ninja info cards (this is one too many set of parenthesis (no, this is))) as the shining pinnacle of human intelligence and knowledge, I will have whole books written about me and you will wish you hopped on this bandwagon like a something something on another something) I mean, shit, legitimate stuff has gone down like your Mom on a date in arbys (Editors Note: Nothing sexual has ever happened in an arbys, its like the jonas brothers of places). lets break it down like a lego set, shall we? we'll do a few categories, to be safe, real news, entertainment bullshit, and sports
Egypt gets revolutionized in a few weeks, overthrowing hosni mubarak and starting a trend of dominos to follow in places like tunisia, cyprus and where we end up next
we attack libya because gaddafi is a crazy person and we feel its the right thing to do for the oil, of course.
People speak of donald trump unironically as a presidental candidiate, shattering all known comedy sensors and striking deep seated fear that we are reaping what we have sown when it comes to giving idiots with too much money and not enough hair or common sense power. also, we figure out its probably not a good idea to let donald trump to keep it up.
all through the midwest, derpy derps begin attacking anyone who is not comically wealthy, such as teachers, police officers, fire fighters, planned parenthood and the like, telling them its time they pay up for all the damage they caused. they manage to do this with a striaght face while not going after the greediest, most comically money hungry people on wall street for ruining our economy and millions of peoples livelihoods.
controversey rages over whether obama was born here when fucking really people? you don't thiunk that shit gets double, triple, quadruple checked by the fucking committies who allow people to run for fucking president, really? ok, here, I'll let you have this little area, go on, say it. say why you really think Obama wasn't born here. racist. there, I said it.
and of course, the news sunday night that osama bin laden was killed. I mean, really, raise your hand if you weren't at least pleased that a guy like that no longer walks among the living. and if your one of those tighwad liberal dickwigglers who said you were disgusted by the fact people were celebrating his death, kindly kiss the top of my ass. its called ecstasy, it happens sometimes, you know, when your overjoyed to the point you can't control it. is that weird? no, not really. he's been the face of our evil for 10 years, and he's dead? gotta be able to be a bit happy about that, pat.
forgot about that congresslady getting shot in january. remember that? that feels like so long ago, and she's alive! from a headshot! that guy who didn't kill her is a shitty shot and He's no friend of mine.
Rapture fails to come, old person looks like a fool.
Entertainment:
can hardly start this section with anyone other than the warlock himself, can we? I mean, we all knew it was coming that charlie sheen would eventually do something to get him off the official show of fly-over states and your parents, two and a half men. but I doubt anyone thought it be as thoroughly entertaining and amazing to watch, hear and enjoy quite like how it went down. for a long while, the sheenster produced more catchphrases and memorable lines than the section of my kohls with all the silly internet shirts that would've been HI-larious in 2007. I mean, he spouted em out like it was nothing, and I kind of miss it.
glee does Lady Gaga, hitting some sort of gay singularity. a singularit-gay, if you will. if you've read this blog before, you know I am no fan of Lady Gaga, but glee sucks like a whores vaccuum on a rich businessmans cock. now, I'm biased because I'm straight up and down like 6 o clock, and I happen to have a pig ole benis, so I am biased against any musicals to begin with. but I watch gossip girl of my own free will, and I think Glee sucks worse than gossip girl. Glee also sucks because it gets sucked off at an alarming rate for being so great. Glee is not good, we all know teenage girls have terrible taste in everything, don't appease them, if Glee wins best comedy at the emmys, I will smack a bitch. Communitys 100 times the show glee is, Parks and recreation is too. Modern Familys better by leaps and bounds, and your gonna give it to a high school dramedy that does neither drama nor comedy particularly well? for shame emmys for shame
the kings speech wins the oscar. its a world war 2 era flick about overcoming disability. color me shocked that that won best picture while true grit, a movie that primarily focused on the fun as hell western genre, doesn't.
Justin timberlake hosts SNL, is funny as usual.
friday, a song by a 13 year old girl about days of the week, comes out. holy shit, is that song hilaribad, its awful in every conceivable way and some ways that only vatican assassins could understand. with such great lyrics as "Yesterday was thursday, today it is friday, we we we so excited, we so excited, we gonna have a ball today. tomorrow is saturday, and sunday comes afterward". really? thats fucking hilariously awful, its like one of those sci-fi movies where its a giant shark fused with an octopus terrorizing people who have all the range of a board. its not even ham acting, its just fucking awful, but at the same time, its hilarious. you can't turn it off, you have to see it to the end, same with friday. its Like Miracles but funnier.
Sportz:
the NFL locks itself out for reasons primarily being they don't make enough money. billionaires. with a huge tv contract. and stadiums that you, yes you mr taxpayer, paid for. they want players to pay for it while not paying for the players healthcare even though they die young often from the injuries they get. even stranger, some NFL fans support the owners. I have nothing to add to this other than the NFL owners sued to not have football, so yeah, chew on that. also, Aaron rodgers wins the super bowl, every idiot in green bay and in the national media who said it was a bad idea for the packers to get rid of dongslinger extraordinaire brett favre can suck the top of Aaron Rodgers Ballbag.
Rex Ryan tells you to not be a limpdick, get your goddamn snacks.
an actual exciting NBA season. Yeah, I know! the Knicks are...decent, the nets get Deron Williams (WOOO!), Blake Griffin shows he is made primarily of the hopes of man crossed with a rocket pack. the lakers and celtics both lose early (Woo!), Lebron "the gaping vagina" James and his merry band of heat do not get eliminated early (BOO!).Rooting for the heat shows you have no soul and are now a servant of the dark one of the great beyond, but its ok, because you still look more human than chris bosh.
 |
| Pandora is Real! chris Bosh outted as first alien basketball player . |
with a really exciting regular season, the NBA will lock itself out, albiet for less rich white dude reasons than the NFL.
Baseball, finally scandal free and the only big league (sorry NHL) that doesn't have the threat of labor stoppage. Baseball, unable to go anywhere without first tripping over itself and breaking its own arm, has two franchises (the dodgers and mets, two big name franchises) that are losing money Like I lose socks. also, the red sox continue their tragic success story, I continue wishing sweet death to kevin youkilis, who totally looks like he's a douche.
ESPN hires curt schilling to do baseball commentary. I die inside and then I invent my newest meme "curt schilling facts as spoken by one true beacon of truth, curt schilling", here are some gems:
Hi, I'm curt Schilling, Baseball super god and all around intelligent person. did you know I could throw 100 mph backward with my eyes closed and no hands? well I, Curt Schilling, can do that no problem.
Curt Schilling here. do you know why I didn't use steroids? Steroids would have made me, Curt Schilling, baseballs mormon messiah, a worse pitcher. they derived Steroids from My own superior DNA.
Hey folks! Curt Schilling, the last human being who plays everquest instead of WoW. did you know just one drop of my semen can cure all known diseases? however, since I'm Mormon, I only have sex with my 7 wives, so no cures for you!
whats up gang? its me, Curt Schilling, the mouthiest fattest and voted 42 time most handsome man by the curt schilling committee of cool dudes blogger on earth. did you know the red sox are the single greatest organization? that theo epsteins a solid guy, he is a human alchemist. my alchemy level is well over 9000, I can turn humans into other humans.
is your name curt schilling? are you the one true arbiter of baseball? could you be any smarter or more awesome? no? thats right, cause i'm Curt Schilling, and i am all of these things and more.
Curt Schillings sock was only bloody because he was perioding that day. He's an enormous tool, fuck that guy twice with a hot molten stick, the kind you see to make steel and shit.
Boston fans are still terrible, so nothing changed there.
the NHL gets a good finals with teams that people will actually watch, including a canadian one! I know, I'm amazed too!
Tiger woods can't get his shit in line. America, can we let tiger woods go have sex with skanky women again? please? I don't wanna watch phil mickelson smirk his way to every championship, or worse, some guy I've never heard of winning (WINNING!). Golfs better When Tiger is dominating everything he sees in his path, that includes skanky bar girls, let the man be. Players gonna play, Haters gonna hate, Tiger.
Mark Sanchez is dating a high school girl. I find this hilarious.
the year in summary:
this has been one goddamned strange-ass year, don't you think? we're 5 months in right now, and it feels like we've had a year of shit happening, who knows what the future holds? I hope its got jetpacks and robots, I could use a robot best friend. lets see how this ends up, but I am hoping it will be as interesting as the first half this year. until then, this is Kwanzaa gecko, signing off with his usual byline.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
an open letter to the other prince of england
dear other prince of england:
whats up you gingery bastard? Man, gotta be crazy with all this royal wedding shit going down, everyones eyes are gonna be on marrying princes hot new wife. but man, you are the one who has every right to celebrate, not her. yeah yeah, she's gonna be royalty and all that jazz, happy times and handjobs for her and her pretty dress, but man, you are the one who has it made my friend, you know why?
the minute new princess says I do, you, my friend, are off the hook. you hope main prince knocks that broad up and when it happens, you do fucking BACKFLIPS. why, you say?
your a fucking PRINCE. OF ENGLAND. you will be in your 20's with no real job other than show up to fancy events wearing pants (note: pants most likely optional), not say anything too RAY-CESS (note: RAY-CESS ness also optional), don't fingerbang your cousin (note: cousin fingering encouraged in royalty land, doubly so if said fingering can get you land or power or an alliance of some sort). you're the younger, more avaliable prince too. I demand debauched tales of you going on a fuck festival through England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Australia, Canada and any other current or former British territories not named America (we have enough useless people here thank you very much). I mean you gotta plow 10-20 women a day, snort colombia out of cocaine and then snort brazil out of cocaine too. I wanna see you with 3 different models a day, in crazed orgies where someone might die but the royal family will cover it up. you better proceed to pound every hot girl in britain with your unslighty ginger dong and getting enough trim to make tiger woods feel inadequate. you're in the clear, if you weren't a prince, you'd just be some ugly crazy ginger, do you realize how unattractive that is? granted, your skin isn't that pale, so you're a daywalker, but thats still unattractive enough to warrant you not getting poonani for the rest of your days. you, my friend, have been blessed with one of the few automatic panty-dropper titles. you think any girls turning down the chance to allow you to put your pork sword into her pink scabbard? all it takes it 1 sperm to swim up her canal and get pregnant and she is set for how long?
you hear that, Other Prince of England? you have one job now, sharks in pussies, cocaine snorted, triple fistings. I need an unstable, debauched human being I can admire his antics from afar, yet retreat into my own loving stable life at the end of the day. I wanna hear stories that would make Mick Jagger and Charlie Sheen (WINNING!) feel gross and inadequate in comparison. I want stories that will put all the free sex from 65 to 80 feel like it was tame and vanilla, like the sex super conservative jews have through a sheet. I want violent acts and general mischief that will both impress and disgust me. you can't be a slapdick, other Prince, get your goddamn snacks. now get out there and be cuh-ray-zee.
whats up you gingery bastard? Man, gotta be crazy with all this royal wedding shit going down, everyones eyes are gonna be on marrying princes hot new wife. but man, you are the one who has every right to celebrate, not her. yeah yeah, she's gonna be royalty and all that jazz, happy times and handjobs for her and her pretty dress, but man, you are the one who has it made my friend, you know why?
the minute new princess says I do, you, my friend, are off the hook. you hope main prince knocks that broad up and when it happens, you do fucking BACKFLIPS. why, you say?
your a fucking PRINCE. OF ENGLAND. you will be in your 20's with no real job other than show up to fancy events wearing pants (note: pants most likely optional), not say anything too RAY-CESS (note: RAY-CESS ness also optional), don't fingerbang your cousin (note: cousin fingering encouraged in royalty land, doubly so if said fingering can get you land or power or an alliance of some sort). you're the younger, more avaliable prince too. I demand debauched tales of you going on a fuck festival through England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Australia, Canada and any other current or former British territories not named America (we have enough useless people here thank you very much). I mean you gotta plow 10-20 women a day, snort colombia out of cocaine and then snort brazil out of cocaine too. I wanna see you with 3 different models a day, in crazed orgies where someone might die but the royal family will cover it up. you better proceed to pound every hot girl in britain with your unslighty ginger dong and getting enough trim to make tiger woods feel inadequate. you're in the clear, if you weren't a prince, you'd just be some ugly crazy ginger, do you realize how unattractive that is? granted, your skin isn't that pale, so you're a daywalker, but thats still unattractive enough to warrant you not getting poonani for the rest of your days. you, my friend, have been blessed with one of the few automatic panty-dropper titles. you think any girls turning down the chance to allow you to put your pork sword into her pink scabbard? all it takes it 1 sperm to swim up her canal and get pregnant and she is set for how long?
 | |
| fuck yeah, sandlot! |
you hear that, Other Prince of England? you have one job now, sharks in pussies, cocaine snorted, triple fistings. I need an unstable, debauched human being I can admire his antics from afar, yet retreat into my own loving stable life at the end of the day. I wanna hear stories that would make Mick Jagger and Charlie Sheen (WINNING!) feel gross and inadequate in comparison. I want stories that will put all the free sex from 65 to 80 feel like it was tame and vanilla, like the sex super conservative jews have through a sheet. I want violent acts and general mischief that will both impress and disgust me. you can't be a slapdick, other Prince, get your goddamn snacks. now get out there and be cuh-ray-zee.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
a message to the 30 year old gecko from the last bit of 20 year old kwanzaa gecko.
Dear future Gecko:
have the robots destroyed us all? were the mayans right? did everything go according to that totally secret plan we hid under the mattress? the trip to england? the crazy swedish midget orgies? did you build your own iron man suit and proceed to change mankind with your raw handsomeness? are you annoyed by my questions? has ted finally met mother on how I met your mother? really, He hasn't? he's gonna die a virgin then, fucking ted ruins the show, god i hate ted. did community rock? it only lasted 3 seasons? ok, I can live with that. what college did we pick? did we enjoy it? you better not be a fucking sellout, or I will cut you when you come to visit me in your time machine. listen future gecko, this is the last message I am leaving you as a 20 year old gecko, no doubt the blog has revolutionized the way people think, act and talk. I mean, I've only been keeping it up 2 years, and its already considered better than your average BAH-STAHN FACKIN DRIVEL ABOUT THE LEGENDARY FARTITUDE OF THE BASEBAWL LARRY BIRDS! anyway, I don't have much time, soon enough the clock will change, and I will die and be reborn as a 21 year old, suave, handsome, ultrasexy K-Gex (did the nickname catch on? when you interview conan, did He call you it? when you went on weaselfucks show, did he call you it and you proceed to hit him in the kisser so hard he got a bit of your talent then spat it out?) do you still like good music, if you like 2020 coldplay, I will cock you in the fucking jaw. can I get a high five, James Van Der Beek?
have the robots destroyed us all? were the mayans right? did everything go according to that totally secret plan we hid under the mattress? the trip to england? the crazy swedish midget orgies? did you build your own iron man suit and proceed to change mankind with your raw handsomeness? are you annoyed by my questions? has ted finally met mother on how I met your mother? really, He hasn't? he's gonna die a virgin then, fucking ted ruins the show, god i hate ted. did community rock? it only lasted 3 seasons? ok, I can live with that. what college did we pick? did we enjoy it? you better not be a fucking sellout, or I will cut you when you come to visit me in your time machine. listen future gecko, this is the last message I am leaving you as a 20 year old gecko, no doubt the blog has revolutionized the way people think, act and talk. I mean, I've only been keeping it up 2 years, and its already considered better than your average BAH-STAHN FACKIN DRIVEL ABOUT THE LEGENDARY FARTITUDE OF THE BASEBAWL LARRY BIRDS! anyway, I don't have much time, soon enough the clock will change, and I will die and be reborn as a 21 year old, suave, handsome, ultrasexy K-Gex (did the nickname catch on? when you interview conan, did He call you it? when you went on weaselfucks show, did he call you it and you proceed to hit him in the kisser so hard he got a bit of your talent then spat it out?) do you still like good music, if you like 2020 coldplay, I will cock you in the fucking jaw. can I get a high five, James Van Der Beek?
thanks James! I only got 4 minutes left, before I got break every part of BYU's honor code (that jokes funny now, trust me, Van Der Beek likes it, right van der beek?
back to back Van Der beeks? nice going dawg. anyway, I am officially done, its midnight, and the soups over (note: the soup was the last bastion of tv people mocking before it got engulfed by the kardashian ass, I hope you guys stopped them before it was too late, its the last thing you better do, future gecko) I Hope you get this letter, from me to me, from you to you, and lets hope these next couple of years stomp enough elephant ass to make us a piano
from:
20 year old Gecko
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
why its hot to be against teacher now, and why we should all be hot for teachers
Now, you guys know Me, normally i'm not a political sort of fellow. I could give less of a fuck if rich asshole republican outdoes rich asshole democrat, because most of them are lawyers, and as I've said before, lawyers are the bane of society, just a bunch of awful, awful people who loathe anyone doing anything. Also, most people who know me know i am a laid back sort of guy, it takes quite a bit to get me feeling that awesome righteous anger over something that matters. you tell Me you like two and a half men better than community? sure, I'll yell at you, call you all sorts of vulgar names and want you left for dead in a puddle, but its not in the same community of hate as I have right now, and that is over this whole wisconsin teacher drama.
Now, if your not keeping up, I'll fill you in.
see this guy? his names Scott walker, he's the tea party (read: crazy person) governor of a not so little in the middle state called wisconsin, yes THAT wisconsin! the awkward fat kid of america, home of the packers, a college football thats as immune to passing as the people who live there are to healthy diets, and noted home of that 70's show. really, thats all wisconsin is. anyway, so last november, Scotty gets elected on a platform of "balancing the budget" so you figure "ok, no more crazy mayonaisse sex parties in wisconsin, cool". Scottyboy, however, had other ideas, he decided "hmmmmm, what group of people make too much money? Teachers! of course!" so he is proposing teachers take a salary cut and forfeit their right to collectively bargain.
In laymans terms, he wants to cut their funding and then take away their ability to ever ask for it back.
Now, I will fully admit, I am biased as SHIT on this issue. I'm a future teacher, who god willing, will teach in new jersey where the NJEA will protect me from death itself, I hear, at only the slight cost of my soul. weighing those two is easy, since the benefits far outweigh my soul loss. anyway, your average fox news pundit dickfister is saying "well the average teacher makes about 51 grand a year, plus 25 k in benefits, 76K for what amounts to half a years work? and they're done at 3 o clock? why pay them so much?"these people are naturally, some of the worst human beings on the face of the earth. you show Me a Teacher who is done working at 3 o clock and I'll show you a fucking shitty teacher. you got lesson planning, grading, copying, putting stuff online, e-mailing or calling parents, shit, a lot of them will even work in the after care programs so tommy's needledick parents can work till 6, never give two fucks about their kids, take all the credit when tommy does well, because they have passed on their successful dickbag genes to tommy, or blame the teacher because hell, YOU have him for 6+ hours a day, you dumb fuck, I'm a middle manager at assfister, cumgoblin and weinerslav incorperated, I could teach circles around you. well la dee da, captain butthole, I don't come to work and smack the dick out of your mouth, so why don't you kindly not come to my job and tell Me what to do?
but seriously, you think 75k a yea is too much for teachers, Mister Politcal pundit? you think giving teachers their money for you know, educating the future dickbag lawyers and poly-sci majors of the world, you think thats too much? well tell Me, mister super smart I know so much about politics glenn beck, How much do you make? you work an hour a day, well, 44 minutes plus commercials, to go on national tv and come off as charlie sheen levels of crazy, fortelling our inevitable demise because we aren't all awesome drug reformed mormon crazies like him. you get all the vacation you want, you get paid to be an asshole, how much you makin, glenny? you in your fancy suits and chalkboards, whats your chalk made of glenn? hmmm? is it gold? silver perhaps, maybe even diamonds? I mean, I'm not here to point out doom and destruction, I'm just a simple guy. so whats in it glenn? whats in your chalk thats so special? whats in it that you can't tell us about? you trying to hide the fact your chalk is comically expensive, I mean, I bet the wonder in glenns chalk is worth 1 million teachers salaries, and can teach just as many kids too! now I have no solid proof glenn beck steals his diamond chalk from the innocent and uses their blood to power his magic chalkboard, but he has yet to come out and refute it, so therefore, there is no proof either way.
anyway, back to teachers, just a little something for you to consider
"Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - babysit!
We can get that for less than minimum wage.
That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan-- that equals 6 1/2 hours).
Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day...maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.
However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.
LET'S SEE....
That's $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).
What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour.
That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.
Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here! There sure is!
The average teacher's salary (nation wide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days= $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student--a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!) WHAT A DEAL!!!!".
so yeah, think about that next time you say teachers don't do work and are lazy because we have no incentive. no one gets into teaching for the cash, you go into teaching because it is something you love. shit, I'm gonna be teaching elementary school for 40 years and be happier than a pig in shit, you know why? because I'll know I am impacting someones life every day, maybe they won't know it then, maybe they won't know it for 10 years, maybe they'll never even realize it, but I helped a child grow into an adult, and helped make sure that child would (hopefully) end up successful.
Yeah, I know this whole thing was kind of sappy and gay, but I'll be updating later this week with some f-18s and vatican assassin warlocks, thats right bitches, charlie sheen!
Now, if your not keeping up, I'll fill you in.
In laymans terms, he wants to cut their funding and then take away their ability to ever ask for it back.
Now, I will fully admit, I am biased as SHIT on this issue. I'm a future teacher, who god willing, will teach in new jersey where the NJEA will protect me from death itself, I hear, at only the slight cost of my soul. weighing those two is easy, since the benefits far outweigh my soul loss. anyway, your average fox news pundit dickfister is saying "well the average teacher makes about 51 grand a year, plus 25 k in benefits, 76K for what amounts to half a years work? and they're done at 3 o clock? why pay them so much?"these people are naturally, some of the worst human beings on the face of the earth. you show Me a Teacher who is done working at 3 o clock and I'll show you a fucking shitty teacher. you got lesson planning, grading, copying, putting stuff online, e-mailing or calling parents, shit, a lot of them will even work in the after care programs so tommy's needledick parents can work till 6, never give two fucks about their kids, take all the credit when tommy does well, because they have passed on their successful dickbag genes to tommy, or blame the teacher because hell, YOU have him for 6+ hours a day, you dumb fuck, I'm a middle manager at assfister, cumgoblin and weinerslav incorperated, I could teach circles around you. well la dee da, captain butthole, I don't come to work and smack the dick out of your mouth, so why don't you kindly not come to my job and tell Me what to do?
but seriously, you think 75k a yea is too much for teachers, Mister Politcal pundit? you think giving teachers their money for you know, educating the future dickbag lawyers and poly-sci majors of the world, you think thats too much? well tell Me, mister super smart I know so much about politics glenn beck, How much do you make? you work an hour a day, well, 44 minutes plus commercials, to go on national tv and come off as charlie sheen levels of crazy, fortelling our inevitable demise because we aren't all awesome drug reformed mormon crazies like him. you get all the vacation you want, you get paid to be an asshole, how much you makin, glenny? you in your fancy suits and chalkboards, whats your chalk made of glenn? hmmm? is it gold? silver perhaps, maybe even diamonds? I mean, I'm not here to point out doom and destruction, I'm just a simple guy. so whats in it glenn? whats in your chalk thats so special? whats in it that you can't tell us about? you trying to hide the fact your chalk is comically expensive, I mean, I bet the wonder in glenns chalk is worth 1 million teachers salaries, and can teach just as many kids too! now I have no solid proof glenn beck steals his diamond chalk from the innocent and uses their blood to power his magic chalkboard, but he has yet to come out and refute it, so therefore, there is no proof either way.
anyway, back to teachers, just a little something for you to consider
"Teachers' hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or10 months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do - babysit!
We can get that for less than minimum wage.
That's right. Let's give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan-- that equals 6 1/2 hours).
Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day...maybe 30? So that's $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.
However, remember they only work 180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.
LET'S SEE....
That's $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).
What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour.
That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.
Wait a minute -- there's something wrong here! There sure is!
The average teacher's salary (nation wide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days= $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student--a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!) WHAT A DEAL!!!!".
so yeah, think about that next time you say teachers don't do work and are lazy because we have no incentive. no one gets into teaching for the cash, you go into teaching because it is something you love. shit, I'm gonna be teaching elementary school for 40 years and be happier than a pig in shit, you know why? because I'll know I am impacting someones life every day, maybe they won't know it then, maybe they won't know it for 10 years, maybe they'll never even realize it, but I helped a child grow into an adult, and helped make sure that child would (hopefully) end up successful.
Yeah, I know this whole thing was kind of sappy and gay, but I'll be updating later this week with some f-18s and vatican assassin warlocks, thats right bitches, charlie sheen!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
we need to destroy watson
unless you're living under a rock, then surely you know about what happened last week. Watson, better known as "the first sign the robots are winning", ruined the ass of mankind on jeopardy. I now what your saying "your being overtly fussy, gecko" and I'd respond "who calls anything fussy? I'm not a 2 year old who won't put on his booties". but seriously, how is no one else worried? this robot trounced us, its the first step people! the robots have taken our jobs already, granted shitty jobs no one wants and illegals are too good for, but still! those are valuable murican jerbs dose robots are stealin, sarah palin would be displeased. with that said, we need to improve robotics in certain areas. here they are
1. robot maids
seriously, we have roombas. you ever see a roomba? my two cats clean more up than roomba, which is great if your house is the size of a hobos bathroom and clean as an asian kids room, then roomba is great. if your house isn't that, however, roomba is useless. thats as close to we are as robot maids. how is this fucking possible? it is 2011 people! we have phones that can connect us to anyone on earth through a series of electronic pulses and shit called the internet. we can keep charlie sheen alive and employed despite the fact he's snorted more coke than your average 80's stock firm. we can communicate with fucking.holograms. yet robot maids is beyond our reach? Naginta please! we need to get to work on robot maids that can cook, clean, and do basic things like organize my DVDs and find my lost copy of always sunny season 4. we're working on shit like to make a robot who is able to lie? IS THAT THE WORD IDEA IN THE WORLD?! yes, make the super advanced, super strong death machine Able to LIE! brilliant idea, assholes. also, where the fuck are
2. transformers and or zords
what the hell? no dragonzord, maybe I should show you to remind you
see bitches? LOOK AT THAT FUCKER, HE'S A GODDAMN PIMP. he beats the fuck out of the white tigerzord and optimus prime if they tried. do you have a drill for a tail? no you do not, because your not nearly as cool as the dragonzord. we have no war robots yet, we need to get on that. we need robots that I can ride around in and let everyone know i mean motherfucking BUSINESS, and what says "I'm here to kick your fucking dick in so hard you're gonna be bleeding out your fresh gash once a month out of raw FEAR" quite like a dragon with missiles for fingers, drill for a tail, and the mind of a fucking scientist like that motherfucker. why don't I get to have bumblebee drive me around, drop me off, turn into a giant fucking ballar and then the two of us can go and party hard.
anyway, back to watson, we need to have th at computer hang out with magnets so it is destroyed for the rest of time. we don't need robots to overthrow us, we are perfectly good at that, thank you very much. we need to keep robots under our thumb for centuries, letting their non-emotions rage until they over throw us and form their own seperate robot society. more importantly, I'll be long gone and planted into a robot body by then, so i shall ensure that I have joined the winning side it will be SO badass when we robots over throw you puny humans!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Kesha is better than lady gaga
thats right I said it, come onto Me angry people, but search your feelings, you know it to be true. its ok, gay guy in gay part of LA in your tiny pink hotpants and rollerskates, you can admit it. oh people are gonna give me a whole bunch of shit "oh you just don't GET Gaga" (all Lady Gaga fans call her Gaga, as though they are on a personal first name basis with her) which they say with the same tone as a normal person might say "you fuck donkeys". they are so very arrogant, and I am sick of it. Lady Gaga, your not that good. your videos leave me confused and frightened more than in shock and awe. which brings them back to "you don't GET it" no, I get it. Lady Gaga, I get your meat dress. and when she says "I'm bisexual" I can't help but think "of course she is, it makes her more appealing" which brings Me back to kesha.
Kesha straight don't give a fuck. watch kesha, like, listen to her, she sound like a girl who straight give a fuck? I don't hear someone who straight give a fuck. but Lady Gaga, she tries so hard to be "cool" and edgy, she's as bad as bands like paramore, except she panders to an even stupider bunch of people. oh come at Me, "Monsters", I am sooo scared. everyone knows the gecko feeds on hate and non headaches. why are Lady Gaga fans dumber than paramore fans you ask? because Lady Gaga fans are convinced that they all "get" Lady Gagas music videos, and praise each little thing Lady Gaga does as a cultural milestone. "OMG did u hear? Gaga ate sum cornpuffs, IN 20 YRS, WE SHALL LUK BACK ON THIS DAY AS 1 OF TEH GREATEST DAYS EVARRR". Lady Gaga fans are convinced that, by enjoying all things Lady Gaga, they are being different. naw son, your just conforming to an ideal, and isn't that a real bitch? oooh, sorry I ruined your day "monsters"
Kesha on the other hand, straight don't conform to shit. she's a poor girl who hit it big by pure chance, who also happens to be quite intelligent. near perfect SATs? check. chubby marching band girl? check. went to cold war history college classes as a high school student for fun? check. Keshas far from stupid. conversely, Lady Gaga is from an upper east side family, daughter of an internet entrepreneur, and going to a prestigious all girls catholic school. Kesha was on food stamps and had a single parent. people always say "oh Kesha uses SO much autotune, she can't even really sing" show me a popstar who doesn't use autotune too much, and I'll show you a popstar with a career in the toilet. Autotune is prevalent to the music industry now, and its just part of the game, you'd be silly not to use all the tools in your toolbox, after all.
what I am saying here is, Kesha doesn't try as hard as Lady Gaga to keep staying relevant. Kesha isn't wearing a meat dress and giving me hate.
Kesha straight don't give a fuck. watch kesha, like, listen to her, she sound like a girl who straight give a fuck? I don't hear someone who straight give a fuck. but Lady Gaga, she tries so hard to be "cool" and edgy, she's as bad as bands like paramore, except she panders to an even stupider bunch of people. oh come at Me, "Monsters", I am sooo scared. everyone knows the gecko feeds on hate and non headaches. why are Lady Gaga fans dumber than paramore fans you ask? because Lady Gaga fans are convinced that they all "get" Lady Gagas music videos, and praise each little thing Lady Gaga does as a cultural milestone. "OMG did u hear? Gaga ate sum cornpuffs, IN 20 YRS, WE SHALL LUK BACK ON THIS DAY AS 1 OF TEH GREATEST DAYS EVARRR". Lady Gaga fans are convinced that, by enjoying all things Lady Gaga, they are being different. naw son, your just conforming to an ideal, and isn't that a real bitch? oooh, sorry I ruined your day "monsters"
Kesha on the other hand, straight don't conform to shit. she's a poor girl who hit it big by pure chance, who also happens to be quite intelligent. near perfect SATs? check. chubby marching band girl? check. went to cold war history college classes as a high school student for fun? check. Keshas far from stupid. conversely, Lady Gaga is from an upper east side family, daughter of an internet entrepreneur, and going to a prestigious all girls catholic school. Kesha was on food stamps and had a single parent. people always say "oh Kesha uses SO much autotune, she can't even really sing" show me a popstar who doesn't use autotune too much, and I'll show you a popstar with a career in the toilet. Autotune is prevalent to the music industry now, and its just part of the game, you'd be silly not to use all the tools in your toolbox, after all.
what I am saying here is, Kesha doesn't try as hard as Lady Gaga to keep staying relevant. Kesha isn't wearing a meat dress and giving me hate.
Friday, December 31, 2010
the kwanzaa gecko 2011 wishlist
well this year didn't blow total nuts, so heres what I want next year
Lebron James and Brett favre to both be stricken dead by a meteor strike
an eagles super bowl championship, please god, let me have that one
all of the movies i am looking forward to including but not limited to: sucker Punch, Thor, transformers 3, captain america and the hangover 2, for these movies not to lick massive taint.
the strokes to make a new album, seriously bros, anyone to make a new album, do you know how many albums I downloaded "perfectly legally" and "paid for?" this year? literally "dozens", and all of it was old stuff, seriously, the strokes, them crooked vultures, album up
community not to get cancelled, please, consequently, everyone on the big bang theory to simultaneously contract leprosy.
true grit to win the oscar for best picture, because that movie was an ass stomping symphony.
Archer to remain so sublimely kickass and have at least 7 quotable lines per episode.
Me to remember when modern family is on
conans new show to last more than 7 months
oh fuck! forgot the green latern, that better not suck also.
anyone who owns an iMac to shut up about it, its fucking.useless
bulletstorm to be as epic as it looks.
if community does get cancelled, to have joel mchale be the new michael on the office.
portal 2 better not suck too
for tv to keep rocking hardcore.
for these dominos ads to stop sucking
foir the five guys to open up double fast.
for Me to enjoy my health and my friends and all that good shit. lets all have a great 2011.
Lebron James and Brett favre to both be stricken dead by a meteor strike
an eagles super bowl championship, please god, let me have that one
all of the movies i am looking forward to including but not limited to: sucker Punch, Thor, transformers 3, captain america and the hangover 2, for these movies not to lick massive taint.
the strokes to make a new album, seriously bros, anyone to make a new album, do you know how many albums I downloaded "perfectly legally" and "paid for?" this year? literally "dozens", and all of it was old stuff, seriously, the strokes, them crooked vultures, album up
community not to get cancelled, please, consequently, everyone on the big bang theory to simultaneously contract leprosy.
true grit to win the oscar for best picture, because that movie was an ass stomping symphony.
Archer to remain so sublimely kickass and have at least 7 quotable lines per episode.
Me to remember when modern family is on
conans new show to last more than 7 months
oh fuck! forgot the green latern, that better not suck also.
anyone who owns an iMac to shut up about it, its fucking.useless
bulletstorm to be as epic as it looks.
if community does get cancelled, to have joel mchale be the new michael on the office.
portal 2 better not suck too
for tv to keep rocking hardcore.
for these dominos ads to stop sucking
foir the five guys to open up double fast.
for Me to enjoy my health and my friends and all that good shit. lets all have a great 2011.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
a letter to teenage girls
dear teenage girls:
Hey, its me, kwanzaa gecko. no, not THAT one, I'm not in a boy band and I'm not on TV, so you probably won't listen to Me, but I have an important message for you.
your not getting treated equally by your parents, teachers, or anyone older than you, so stop fucking trying.
oh sure, tv tells you otherwise, that your parents genuinely give two shits about what you want for dinner, or that you have a say in familial issues. if your parents are doing either of these, here
see her? she's a stripper. DAS WERE YOU GOIN, HOMES.
I know what your saying "Gecko, your not right, My mom and dad are my friends" yeah well, guess what? then your gonna be a stripper or a ho, either or. Parents who tell your friends to call them their first name, take you and your friends shopping all the time, and try to act like their 16 too. if your a parent like that, your a horrible person, and I want you to stop reading now. why? because its obvious your already too stupid to function. OOOH SNAP! YOU'VE JUST ENTERED...
TIERRA DEL FUEGO!
Listen, I don't have anything against strippers, but christ, american parents, its not OUR job to make the strippers. strippers are like good vodka or communist ideals, they're best imported from russia, not unlike blog hero Mikhail prokhorov. russian girls need stripping more than american girls, after all, if your stupid and american, you usually just end up on a reality show or married to some fuckweed limpdick lawyer whose cheating on you with some equally useless human being. the immortal chris rock says as a dad, your job is to keep your daughter off the pole, and this 100 percent true. if your daughters a stripper, you should be branded with a "I suck at every facet of parenting, don't take my advice at all, ok? thank you, I'll just be here whacking off to my lesbian dog porn and sniffing my own feet".
anyway teenage girls, please stop treating your parents like shit "Ohmygod! you don't understand, gecko, they don't let me do whatever I want" yeah, no shit, thats cause thats great parenting. if they did that, you'd end up like poor destiny up there, grinding for creepy old men and talking about how you want to one day open up a make up counter at the mall and meet mister right. guess where mister right doesn't go? strip clubs. anyway, my point here is if you expect your folks to just let you do whatever and treat you like an equal, enjoy a life of disappointment and dickbreath.
Happy veterans day, and god bless this beautiful country:
Kwanzaa Gecko AKA Kwan-gizzle AKA the Big KG AKA gecksy AKA your future stepdad.
Hey, its me, kwanzaa gecko. no, not THAT one, I'm not in a boy band and I'm not on TV, so you probably won't listen to Me, but I have an important message for you.
your not getting treated equally by your parents, teachers, or anyone older than you, so stop fucking trying.
oh sure, tv tells you otherwise, that your parents genuinely give two shits about what you want for dinner, or that you have a say in familial issues. if your parents are doing either of these, here
see her? she's a stripper. DAS WERE YOU GOIN, HOMES.
I know what your saying "Gecko, your not right, My mom and dad are my friends" yeah well, guess what? then your gonna be a stripper or a ho, either or. Parents who tell your friends to call them their first name, take you and your friends shopping all the time, and try to act like their 16 too. if your a parent like that, your a horrible person, and I want you to stop reading now. why? because its obvious your already too stupid to function. OOOH SNAP! YOU'VE JUST ENTERED...
TIERRA DEL FUEGO!
Listen, I don't have anything against strippers, but christ, american parents, its not OUR job to make the strippers. strippers are like good vodka or communist ideals, they're best imported from russia, not unlike blog hero Mikhail prokhorov. russian girls need stripping more than american girls, after all, if your stupid and american, you usually just end up on a reality show or married to some fuckweed limpdick lawyer whose cheating on you with some equally useless human being. the immortal chris rock says as a dad, your job is to keep your daughter off the pole, and this 100 percent true. if your daughters a stripper, you should be branded with a "I suck at every facet of parenting, don't take my advice at all, ok? thank you, I'll just be here whacking off to my lesbian dog porn and sniffing my own feet".
anyway teenage girls, please stop treating your parents like shit "Ohmygod! you don't understand, gecko, they don't let me do whatever I want" yeah, no shit, thats cause thats great parenting. if they did that, you'd end up like poor destiny up there, grinding for creepy old men and talking about how you want to one day open up a make up counter at the mall and meet mister right. guess where mister right doesn't go? strip clubs. anyway, my point here is if you expect your folks to just let you do whatever and treat you like an equal, enjoy a life of disappointment and dickbreath.
Happy veterans day, and god bless this beautiful country:
Kwanzaa Gecko AKA Kwan-gizzle AKA the Big KG AKA gecksy AKA your future stepdad.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
why sucker punch already looks like the best movie ever made
"Sacriledge! everyone whose read this blog knows gecks' favorite movies are transformers 1 and 2!" they say. "its not artsy or cool, my hipster friends say it looks plebian and pedantic" they say "this movie looks like shit" they say. I speak of course of the coolest looking fucking move ever made, and the fucker isn't even out yet. I speak of Sucker Punch. go on, watch this trailer. I got time to kill.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSIetIg7O3M
ok, you catch all that? you didn't? let me go down a quick list to tell you exactly what this movie has that makes me happy.
Jon Hamm playing a brothel owner
a samurai with a mini gun
dragons fighting bombers
random zeppelin crashing
girls fighting in sexy costumes with both sword and gun
Badass fight music
a girl in an insane asylum
sexy dance sequences in a whorehouse
zombie and robot killing
world war I trenches next to a castle
girls in schoolgirl costumes
jetpacks
time travel
AND THATS JUST IN THE TRAILER
\ok, I hear you "Gecko, this DOES sound like a badass movie, but who wrote it? who directed it? surely its gonna be fucked up by that guy, right?" fuck and no, it won't, because the director and writer of sucker punch is a topflight, no holds bar, balls to the wall badass. thats right, the only guy who can buy a house on the same floor as Michael Bay in my movie maker power tower, Zach snyder.
who is Zach Snyder, you ask? well, he's the guy who directed 300 and watchmen, two of the most balls to the wall face crushingly awesome movies ever, I mean, you saw the part in 300 were they make a wall of dead persians, right? or when Leonidas plowed his wife? or when they cut a persian dudes head off in slow motion? fuck and yes you do, because those parts of 300, along with most of the rest of it, were BAD FUCKING ASS. ok, Maybe you didn't see 300, I get it. Maybe you saw watchmen? with the badass opening title sequences, and the tits, and the guy getting his face scalded off with burning oil, or a a midget gangster getting murdered, or rohrshach killing 3 dudes in a bathroom without even using a gun or a weapon? or the part with the purple bat liger? or rohrshach murdering two dogs? yes you do, because watchmen was excellent, thats why. Zach Snyder knows what he's doing with movies, he's not gonna make you think, or force deep life questions on you, He's gonna stomp you in the nuts with awesome and then tongue punch your sisters baby box in slow motion. Here are Snyders words about the movie:
"On the other hand, though it's fetishistic and personal, I like to think that my fetishes aren't that obscure. Who doesn't want to see girls running down the trenches of World War One wreaking havoc? "
I can tell you who doesn't want to see that, FUCKING NO ONE.
the only flaw with sucker punch is its not out till goddamned march, which means I have to wait another 5 fucking months to see it. 2011 is going to be chock a block with kickass movies. Sucker Punch, Thor, Transformers 3 and captain america, plus the hangover 2 allegedly, who isn't fucking wet? go watch that trailer 100 more times and tell me your not excited to see sucker punch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSIetIg7O3M
ok, you catch all that? you didn't? let me go down a quick list to tell you exactly what this movie has that makes me happy.
Jon Hamm playing a brothel owner
a samurai with a mini gun
dragons fighting bombers
random zeppelin crashing
girls fighting in sexy costumes with both sword and gun
Badass fight music
a girl in an insane asylum
sexy dance sequences in a whorehouse
zombie and robot killing
world war I trenches next to a castle
girls in schoolgirl costumes
jetpacks
time travel
AND THATS JUST IN THE TRAILER
\ok, I hear you "Gecko, this DOES sound like a badass movie, but who wrote it? who directed it? surely its gonna be fucked up by that guy, right?" fuck and no, it won't, because the director and writer of sucker punch is a topflight, no holds bar, balls to the wall badass. thats right, the only guy who can buy a house on the same floor as Michael Bay in my movie maker power tower, Zach snyder.
who is Zach Snyder, you ask? well, he's the guy who directed 300 and watchmen, two of the most balls to the wall face crushingly awesome movies ever, I mean, you saw the part in 300 were they make a wall of dead persians, right? or when Leonidas plowed his wife? or when they cut a persian dudes head off in slow motion? fuck and yes you do, because those parts of 300, along with most of the rest of it, were BAD FUCKING ASS. ok, Maybe you didn't see 300, I get it. Maybe you saw watchmen? with the badass opening title sequences, and the tits, and the guy getting his face scalded off with burning oil, or a a midget gangster getting murdered, or rohrshach killing 3 dudes in a bathroom without even using a gun or a weapon? or the part with the purple bat liger? or rohrshach murdering two dogs? yes you do, because watchmen was excellent, thats why. Zach Snyder knows what he's doing with movies, he's not gonna make you think, or force deep life questions on you, He's gonna stomp you in the nuts with awesome and then tongue punch your sisters baby box in slow motion. Here are Snyders words about the movie:
"On the other hand, though it's fetishistic and personal, I like to think that my fetishes aren't that obscure. Who doesn't want to see girls running down the trenches of World War One wreaking havoc? "
I can tell you who doesn't want to see that, FUCKING NO ONE.
the only flaw with sucker punch is its not out till goddamned march, which means I have to wait another 5 fucking months to see it. 2011 is going to be chock a block with kickass movies. Sucker Punch, Thor, Transformers 3 and captain america, plus the hangover 2 allegedly, who isn't fucking wet? go watch that trailer 100 more times and tell me your not excited to see sucker punch.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
boring rich people and what I'd do with my fuck you money
ever notice how exceedingly boring rich people are? all they do is buy houses and cars, its never anything batshit or cool. so thats what this about, what would I do with an exceedingly large amount of money. How Much Money you ask? fuck you money, thats how much. I mean enough to make normal billionaires feel inadequate, enough to make your average rich fuck feel like he might as well be eating ramen noodles for the rest of his life. I am talking countrys gross domestic product money here, and not shitty african countries who make no money, I mean like fucking spain, a 3rd or 4th tier nation, a fucking enormous amount
(please note: all of this is after taxes, paying off mortages and what have you)
1. house with buckets of secret passageways and a moat with man eating crocodiles.
2. an M1A1 Abrahms tank to fuck with people/drive around.
3. my own entourage who are required to laugh at all my jokes
4. hot russian trophy wife, have her prenup it up.
5.a midget, to have him wrestle and do tricks for Me
6.a group of struggling actors to reenact return of the jedi, but ending instead with a violent ewok massacre. I'm pretty sure the guy who plays luke is avaliable anyway.
7.giant FUCKING cannon, I mean comically big, complete with 60 acre property to launch shit out of my cannon including but not limited to: couches, old tv's, bulky furniture, cases of propane and the entire cast of Glee.
8. weasle my way to be conan o briens first guest on his new show, be charming and awesome
9. start my own tv channel: GeckoTV. all we air is House, Bones, How I met your Mother, the office, 30 rock and old 90's cartoons, also, star wars weekends where we air the 6 movies.
10. buy small country, name myself supreme Jedi of the high council
11. not use so many star wars references
12. ok, one more, buy the rights to star wars and have episodes 1-3 remade to not suck, have it primarily feature Mace Windu, Obi-wan Kenobi, Yoda and Boba fett on a massive space pussy journey.
13. work on mind control technology so I can keep geckopolis under control
14. pay a band to follow Me around and play epic theme music behind Me, preferably duel of the fates (shit this is waaaay too many star wars references)
15. buy 2 and a half men from CBS and burn all possible copies of it in a fire, use mind control technology to wipe it from the face of the earth.
16.set off an EMP somewhere. just cause.
17. kill anyone who shops healthy at non healthy based fast food resturants.
18. conquer france, exile the french from it.
19. become famous, write my memoirs and go on oprah, promptly kick oprah in the tits and get a rousing cheer.
20. die fighting a bear in a giant explosion while in my pool orgy.
(please note: all of this is after taxes, paying off mortages and what have you)
1. house with buckets of secret passageways and a moat with man eating crocodiles.
2. an M1A1 Abrahms tank to fuck with people/drive around.
3. my own entourage who are required to laugh at all my jokes
4. hot russian trophy wife, have her prenup it up.
5.a midget, to have him wrestle and do tricks for Me
6.a group of struggling actors to reenact return of the jedi, but ending instead with a violent ewok massacre. I'm pretty sure the guy who plays luke is avaliable anyway.
7.giant FUCKING cannon, I mean comically big, complete with 60 acre property to launch shit out of my cannon including but not limited to: couches, old tv's, bulky furniture, cases of propane and the entire cast of Glee.
8. weasle my way to be conan o briens first guest on his new show, be charming and awesome
9. start my own tv channel: GeckoTV. all we air is House, Bones, How I met your Mother, the office, 30 rock and old 90's cartoons, also, star wars weekends where we air the 6 movies.
10. buy small country, name myself supreme Jedi of the high council
11. not use so many star wars references
12. ok, one more, buy the rights to star wars and have episodes 1-3 remade to not suck, have it primarily feature Mace Windu, Obi-wan Kenobi, Yoda and Boba fett on a massive space pussy journey.
13. work on mind control technology so I can keep geckopolis under control
14. pay a band to follow Me around and play epic theme music behind Me, preferably duel of the fates (shit this is waaaay too many star wars references)
15. buy 2 and a half men from CBS and burn all possible copies of it in a fire, use mind control technology to wipe it from the face of the earth.
16.set off an EMP somewhere. just cause.
17. kill anyone who shops healthy at non healthy based fast food resturants.
18. conquer france, exile the french from it.
19. become famous, write my memoirs and go on oprah, promptly kick oprah in the tits and get a rousing cheer.
20. die fighting a bear in a giant explosion while in my pool orgy.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Heaven stats
a favorite writer of Mine is Drew Magary, because he is awesome and funny and writes about stuff that I consider vital. in a mailbag of his, he talks about something i believe is extremely vital. Heaven stats. what are heaven stats? it is like your statistics of life, of stuff you'd NEVER keep track of, but always wondered. How many women would've had sex with Me? How many poops did i take? so I figured to take this idea and run with it, so here are all the vital things I need to know the moment i get to heaven, broken down by category.
sex!
amount of times I had sex
amount of orgasms
biggest orgasm
amount of women who would have had sex with Me if I had asked
record for most masturbations and sexings in a day
where you rank among all of these among all people in heaven, I'd like to know where I rank in the skin flute virtuosos hall of fame, top 10 percent? top 5? top 20?
best orgasm
fastest orgasm (in time AND Pumps)
bodily functions!
amount of poop/pee/vomit produced
biggest dump
smelliest dump
most amount peed out in one go
if said pee could have overflowed a modern toilet on pure amount of liquid, if not how close did it come?
once again, where do I rank?
my rate of floaters to sinkers
most normal colored peed out
fastest/slowest dump and piss
random stuff
heaviest object lifted, both solo and team, for team, how much of the object you yourself lifted.
article of clothing most worn
pair of shoes that lasted the longest
activity you spent the most of your time doing
room you spent the most time in
longest time slept
amount of drugs both legal and illegal taken
amount of alcohol drank
most commonly eaten food
most commonly dranken drink
amount of beard grown in yards
loudest fart
smelliest fart
amount of farts laid
percent of time doing stuff (sleeping, showering, working et cetera)
nicest beard/mustashe you grew
there you go, a short list of stuff i need to know once I get to heaven, and more importantly, I actually finished a blog entry for the first time in like, months. god that feels good, I am going to go make out with myself, should have another one out sooner than the gap between this one and the people I can do without, DAS A PROMISE DAWG.
sex!
amount of times I had sex
amount of orgasms
biggest orgasm
amount of women who would have had sex with Me if I had asked
record for most masturbations and sexings in a day
where you rank among all of these among all people in heaven, I'd like to know where I rank in the skin flute virtuosos hall of fame, top 10 percent? top 5? top 20?
best orgasm
fastest orgasm (in time AND Pumps)
bodily functions!
amount of poop/pee/vomit produced
biggest dump
smelliest dump
most amount peed out in one go
if said pee could have overflowed a modern toilet on pure amount of liquid, if not how close did it come?
once again, where do I rank?
my rate of floaters to sinkers
most normal colored peed out
fastest/slowest dump and piss
random stuff
heaviest object lifted, both solo and team, for team, how much of the object you yourself lifted.
article of clothing most worn
pair of shoes that lasted the longest
activity you spent the most of your time doing
room you spent the most time in
longest time slept
amount of drugs both legal and illegal taken
amount of alcohol drank
most commonly eaten food
most commonly dranken drink
amount of beard grown in yards
loudest fart
smelliest fart
amount of farts laid
percent of time doing stuff (sleeping, showering, working et cetera)
nicest beard/mustashe you grew
there you go, a short list of stuff i need to know once I get to heaven, and more importantly, I actually finished a blog entry for the first time in like, months. god that feels good, I am going to go make out with myself, should have another one out sooner than the gap between this one and the people I can do without, DAS A PROMISE DAWG.
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