Mikhail prokhorov: Honorary american and international badass

Gecko: two straight posts on why certain people outawesome americans? are you on coke? no gentle reader, I am not, feeling international though, and besides, our subject today is easily the coolest guy alive.

Lets say I need a guy to hang out with. what do I want in him? well, tall is good, tall people are cool. I want him to be obscenely rich, like, serious fuck you money. I want an international man of mystery with good taste, always important, plus it adds a much needed badass.

Mikhail Prokhorov or as I'll be calling him, Micky P, is easily the coolest dude in the world.

why is this?

1. He got arrested...for having hot girls hang around him and being suspected they were prostitutes he flew in from russia to france. he responded by insulting all french people and fucking the prime ministers foxy wife.

2.His 3 biggest loves are business sports and food. IE: manliness, manliness and eating. He is not married because he hasn't, in his own words "found a woman who isn't a good enough cook to him" Micky P knows where his shit is AT.

3. Micky P is buying the new jersey nets and will lure Lebron here and then to brooklyn.

4. Micky P is 6'8 and has youtube videos of himself DOING JETSKI TRICKS. what more do you need in a man?

5. after food business and sports, Micky P loves, LOVES beautiful women, to the point when he goes clubbing, he has hot russian girls just surrounding him and dancing for him and his friends.

6. He worked russian democracy to make him a buttload of cash, got busted by the french for pimpitude, was advised to sell for 10 billion dollars.seemingly 20 seconds later, the bottom fell out of the russian metal industry, leaving everyone but Micky P fucked. this proves without A doubt Micky P is at least psychic, which since all telekinetic people rule, is a sure sign Micky P is a badass.

due to the fact that the NBA is rigged and makes me sad, Micky P wasn't able to telekinetically remove david sterns nuts. However, Micky P is so badass its ridiculous, as I believe I have shown. in short, he's a giant russian man who works out a lot, is fuck you rich, enjoys women and good food, and could be an excellent bond villian. He is smart and awesome and I hope he reads this and decides to hire Me as nets official ball buster. your the man, Micky P, and I wish you and Jay-z nothing but luck. Oh right

reason 7: He hangs out with Jay-z, one of the baddest cats around. Jay-Z is such a badass, he actually makes me not want to run over Beyonce with a bulldozer, which is rather incredible. Oh beyonce has a non traditional body you say? I didn't know big breasts long legs and wide hips was non traditional, America! Jay-z, on the other hand, is a bad cat who can fly, victory: Jay.

reason 8: He's awesome.

the golden geckos for the 2009-10 tv season

TV is easily the top dog of the entertainment industry right now. Fuck, I saw a trailer for an Ashton Kutcher/Katharine Heigl romantic comedy the other day, and I wanted to run down an orphan with a compactor. I have stated all movies fall into a sort of sub category of action-y summer movie, shitty romcoms, and Oscar bait, and TV is were all the creative minds of Hollywood decide to hang out. And since TV has now officially taken a break for the summer, I feel hollow and empty inside. Sort of like how I leave your girlfriend in your bed.

So, without further ado, I am giving out the prestigious Golden Gecko. Why is this award so highly regarded? Like your absentee father, my respect is hard to come by. Unlike your absentee father, I won't drive you to a life of stripping, drugs and slutty hook-ups (Samantha).

So we got a variety of things we'll give out awards for: Best Drama, Best Comedy, Best New Show, Best Network, as well as Worst Network and Worst New Show, and Best Actor in comedy and drama.

(note that has to be made: these aren't the fucking Emmys, which tend to reward what they liked for the past few years and/or shows that are ending; this is primarily what I felt had a good year and what deserves to be recognized):

Best Comedy: Archer

Great, great year for comedy. With the newcomers like Community and Modern Family, solid showing from always-excellent shows like 30 Rock and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and even a good show or two in traditional sitcomopolis with How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory. However, if you pick anything other than Archer, you're doing it wrong. I judge comedy on a rather simple thing: How many times can I use its funny quotes with them still being funny? and Archer is the king of that. Archer didn't have a bad episode in 10 this season, and each episode had at least 3 kickass quotes in it.

What is Archer, you ask? Quite simply: its a spy comedy. To describe it better, its the funniest fucking show on TV right now, which is amazing since its on a super strong network (FX is probably the best network in terms of content right now) with great competiton in It's Always Sunny and The League, and now Louie, but even still Archer was the funniest show of the year.

Best comedy actor: Charlie Day

Comedy is always were the Emmys fuck up. Really, Two and a Half Men is funny now? The puppet faced weirdo is funny? Fuck them, the funniest guy on TV, bar none, is Charlie Day. For those who watch Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Charlie Day is the guy who plays Charlie Kelly, easily the funniest character on Always Sunny. Allow me to put it this way: I judge comedy in two ways, the above-mentioned quotableness, and delivery. Charlie Day's delivery is fucking fantastic. Go watch any scene where he is fighting with any of the cast of Always Sunny, and its impecable. Go watch the "kitten mittons" scene, if you need to be convinced. His face, his voice, his fucking everything is fucking DELIGHTFUL (Joke here about how you're totally fucking gay for this bastard?--Love, Vicky) to watch since its so over the top ridiculous, any time he fucking talks I just lose it, it is a joy to watch someone who is this funny and-- ignored by the dogfisters at the Emmys? Really? Glee is funny? Glee isn't any good, its a musical without original music and half the people sound auto-tuned as shit. Charlie Day makes me squeal with gayness and mirth, whether he's stalking the waitress, dressed as green man, or pitching mittons for cats, he's a god damn FORCE on Always Sunny, and I'm recognizing, I got your back Charlie.

Best Drama: Dexter

A very, very good year for drama: Mad Men living up to its usual excellent standards, Lost having a fantasic, confusing, wonderful final season, The Pacific was a harrowing depiction of war, and newcomer Treme living up to hype as "the new Wire", but all of them pale in comparison to Dexter. Dexter's 4th season was a maze of emotions, from high to low, and while it wavered just a smidgeon at the beginning, the last 3rd of the season was emotional as all hell. All this was lead up to one of the few finales this year where I jumped up at my screen and yelled "THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN, THERE IS NO WAY THEY ARE DOING THAT". A drama is only as good as its twists and turns, and Dexter had them in bunches. The identity of Trinity at first, then is He alone, a lone wolf? No, no he's not, he has a family! and Dexter, our protagonist grows close to them, how could he? He has to study Trinity and find out how he keeps it a secret, and that's as much as I am willing to spoil. Excellently narrated and acted by Michael C. Hall, and easily the best guest actor this year (Jon Lithgow, who legitimately gave me goosebumps at points this year playing Trinity). I have been eagerly anticipating season 5 since season 4 ended, and that is the sign of great drama, you need to know what happens next.

Best Actor: Jon Hamm

Jon Hamm is the biggest boss you've seen thus far. He plays every aspect of Don Draper, were most actors would play Draper as a mysterious, dickish sort, you see every layer of Don with Jon Hamm, his strength, his weakness, the mysterious past, and yes, the great ad man. Jon Hamm gets plenty of love for pulling off D-drapes, and he will continue with a win in the Best Drama Actor category. Season 3 had Don pulled around by a crazy old man, lose his woman to a slimy politician, bang a teacher, become a father to baby Gene, school some Italian douchebags, and at the end, you could see in his eyes "I will build this new agency to great heights, we will be a goddamned force of nature, and no one will stop me". Don is a bad motherfucker who kicks ass, takes names and fingerbangs who he pleases (literally).

Best New Show: Community

Why does Community get the nod over Archer? Becauseause I already blew Archer up there, so now it's time to suck Community off. Community is the best show on network tv now that Lost is gone, and wow, what a first season. Each character developed without dragging too much, the jokes were crisp and funny, and it managed to play at your emotions without losing the funny, a vital part of comedy. Joel McHale is the ideal leading man, he's got good comedic chops, good improv skills, he's (I'll admit it) attractive and just enough of a douche to make you laugh. Danny Pudi is one of the best comedic characters to come onto network tv in years, and with enough of a running plot to keep you enticed, though each episode stands alone as good solid comedy. Truly astounding since most network comedies treat the viewer as a slack-jawed idiot . CBS is particularly guilty of this, though they make How I Met Your Mother, which is particularly excellent.

Best Network: FX

Its astounding (This is like the fourtieth time you've used the word "astounding", you prat) really, that FX is owned by Fox. Fox is easily the worst of the 4 big networks, relying on American Idol and Family Guy to drive me into a rage (and bring in the ratings), and having one decent show (Bones) to save it from being a joke of a network. But FX is the best network around right now. You've got Sons of Anarchy, which features copious amounts of motorcycle badassery and justified for your law enforcment asskickery. Comedy, though, is where FX flexes its muscles, with Archer, Always Sunny and The League, not to mention Louie. FX just churns out good programming all the time, its amazing that those pigfuckers who run TV aren't fucking it up. Actually, speaking of pigfuckers...

Worst Network: NBC

And this one is by a country mile. I thought it'd take a mouthbreathing cumswiller the likes of which we haven't seen since the last Daughtry album to top the idiocy CBS spurts out (I'm looking at you, Two and a Half Men and the 100 crime shows you have on, plus Rules of Engagement and Gary Unmarried) but WOW. NBC is run by easily the dumbest people on earth. Am I saying this solely out of vengeance for my man Conan O'Brian? Partially, yes, since they basically set Conan up to fail, then said "We no know how Conan fail!!" I can tell you, NBC. Its because you stuck the unfunny car fister in front of him, causing everyone to be instantly pissed off. Then you decide to yank weaselfucker's show (a smart move) and decide that 7 months is enough, and treat Conan like he is garbage. I hope your children are cursed with infertility and birth defects. Then you decide "Hey, Parks and Rec was really solid, you know what we should do for our 2010-11 season? make it a midseason replacement and break up the best 2 hour block on tv (the Thursday night comedy block, the only thing saving NBC). Top that with LOSING money on the olympics, having no real sports on it, exclusively built up on the reputation of a "bastion of good tv" (a lie, since none of their dramas have really panned out) and take away the Thursday block, and their comedy is atrocious. Heroes turned into a massive pile of plotholes and shit midway through season 3 when 4 characters (Claire, Hiro, Peter and Sylar) became massively overpowered, and none of their other dramas have even came close to panning out. NBC is a disgrace, and its worse than the CW, and only teenage girls (and me when Gossip Girl (aka the Blake Lively Sexy Titty Hour) comes on) watch that shit.

Australian people are awesome

anyone who knows me knows how weird this sentence must sound coming from Me, a shameless america lover, but holy shit, Australian people are crazy awesome, to go analogy, australia is like our younger, more apeshit brother. and here are some reasons why.

1. 100 percent of Australians are known to drink excessively

2. all austrailian women have great accents, 2nd only to the british accent

3. Australians play rugby, which is like football but filled with more rage, no one cares about the ball in rugby, they care about mauling you, thats amazing.

4. Australia is like america in that all the cool shit happens on the coast, and the middle is filled with shit no one cares about (big rocks and shit in australia, fat people here).

5. Australians hang out with Maori warriors, easily the most batshit people ever, case and point:

what a winner, maori people exclusively focus on bludgeoning and cutting shit, also they use shit like shark teeth as weapons, that means that they kill sharks, and judging by the looks of that dude, they kill them with their own bare hands, which is fucking.awesome.

6. Australia Produced AC/DC, one of the few bands to ever totally rock your tits clean off

7. Australians hunt crazy shit like kangaroos, wallabies, and the most fail animal on earth, the koala, no doubt do they eat koala burgers like we eat cow.

8. the average australian woman is super fine, Australian girls are part of the sexy trinity along with the brazillians and the russians, check these ladies out

'

all hot australian girls.

9. Australian People own knives that make a claymore feel inadequate, for a variety of purposes, throwin, stabbin, slashin, nazi killin, scalping, brush clearin, and many many more.

10. Like the US, australians are descended from people who hated england. Unlike us, who wanted religious freedom, Australian people were crazy prisoners, 100 percent of whose crimes were cool shit like excessive masculinity, break dancing in public, and absurd amount of faces ruined.

holy shit, does Australia rule, if i ever leave this great land, after I fuck every chick in brazil, I am going the fuck to Australia.

AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FROM KWANZAA GECKO INC LLC

I have decided that I am no longer able to blog, My skills have simply eroded to be as good as your average cockweasel joke. also, my capacity for hating has significantly declined, so from now on,expect nothing else but love, adoration and like to flow from Me.



























GOTCHA BITCH! APRIL FOOLS!





anyway, whose ready for a brand new kwanzaa gecko? I sure as shit am, and I AM the kwanzaa gecko.



so what we'll talk about today is an issue dividing this country greatly, something that has caused brother to fight brother and a house divided cannot stand.



thats right motherfuckers, we're talking Duke.



raise your hand if you like duke? you do? come here, come drink this hemloch so you may suffer painfully for being a classic douche.



Duke is, in a nutshell, the ultimate douche school. it douches such notable douche schools as ohio state (the athletic douche) all ivy league schools (the rich douche who you want run over) the womens college douche (the I hate all men and they are soulless monsters who ruin society douche). why does duke outdouche these people? they combine all the parts into one douche, a super douche monster like what happens when candy in your pocket melts into a puddle of amorphous candy blob shit, that your not sure what part of what candy your eating. in fact, thats My new name for duke, and i hope it spreada, candydouches. because they are gay, you see.

Dukies will claim that I hate duke solely because of their basketball team. oh that is simply not true. Do I loathe white dudes playing basketball (or any sport for that matter) where whitey is described as "gritty" a "hustler" a "scrappy" player? yes, and what is duke "gritty" "Scrappy" duke needs to be drugged and raped like a lacrosstitute...oh wait, too soon? duke and lacrosse combine two things I loathe more than anything, rich entitled white people going to a rich entitled white school, and Lacrosse, the official sport of rich entitled white people who I would severely enjoy kicking down a well and sealing that shit up.

Duke is a rich entitled dipshit school, do you know what duke does? buh! I don't either, besides jerk itself off.

the reason I love Me some gay dudes but not like that, you dirty person

Many straight dudes Hate them some gay people, don't want the gays to get their rights, no marriage, no kids, and want em all dead. to that I offer a heart felt fuck you! as a single straight dude, who is not a skinny bastard by any stretch of the sweatpants, Gay dudes are fucking awesome. why you ask?

the more gay men out there, the more vagina there is out there for Me.

and heres why:

your average gay dude is skinny, fit, attractive, funny, into everything your average hot broad is, you know, food, wine, style, greys anatomy, etc.

so what does this have to do with Me, you say? the gay man would make an ideal boyfriend, except for one key fact:

He is just as into cock as she is.

how does this help Me you say?

when two gay dudes hook up, its two of these perfect guys off the market, it eventually forces women to lower their standards from perfect awesome edward cullen stalker, to average joe who is handsome, charming, and has a dick like a clydesdale. you know, Me. therefore, the more gays the better, because gay people lead to More ladies for Me, and I like Ladies. so vis a vis, I support gay rights, gay people getting married, having kids, teaching people, flying, doing all the things we straights do. now am I saying gay people are perfect? AW HELL NAW son, there are plenty of gays out there who deserve a punch straight in the dick for a variety of reasons, i'll show you a quote


"homosexuality is gods way of ensuring the truly gifted are not burdened with children"

/20 minutes later, my blood pressure has lowered

ho.ly. shit, if i can kill one quote via drawing hanging and quartering, its that quote. and you gays wonder why people hate you? douchey motherfuckers like this lead to nothing but trouble, because then all you gays are grouped together as douchey, or bitchy, or what the proper terminology is for a dickish gay man is, that one quote basically puts all gays in one big gay box with no anal lube or madonna albums. seriously gay people, fix that shit, then we'll talk, but until then, keep on buttfuckin

the late night wars and what I think

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Why I hate Johnny Depp and Tim Burton to the core.

I Know what you're thinking "Kwanzaa, you're going to alienate your entire art school/hipster fanbase" good, if those fucks are reading this, they should've gotten the hint that I hate douchebaggery around post 2. Normally, I'm not this mad about stuff, Most of My hate for the most part, is positive, happy hate, it makes Me feel happy to hate certain things, and this is primarily because a lot of people I know also hate these things (douchebags, elitist nerds, and music snobs are among my most hated), but this is a rather unpopular stance, but dammit, blogging is a form of journalism, so I'm gonna bukkake you with my facts here, Holy shit on a shingle do I hate Tim Burton and Johnny depp, and you're gonna find out why in a minute.

Look how hip and rebellious these guys are! they don't dress like stupid conformists, no sir! I mean, arm tattoos? who has those? and who among you has the courage and balls to dress like a gay hip cowboy like Johnny is? or look like he just woke up and put a square ring on his finger like tim? or appear as though you bought these clothes used when in fact you just spend 250 dollars on ripped jeans, a falsely aged t-shirt and converses? or most importantly, look as though you don't know the words basic hygene. these men are a national treasure of coolness, they are the sole lighthouses in a grey sea of conformity nonuniqueness, the greatest director and actor of the past 20 years!

if you believe the above paragraph, kindly swallow a stick of dynamite, you emo faggot poser. do you not realize it is YOU who is the conformist? you are the one who does what is cool and popular, just not among so called "popular" people, you conform to other things. you soundly believe Tim Burton is the greatest director of the past 20 year s(of which your wrong, the top 3 are Michael Bay, Peter Jackson and Zach Snyder, tarantino is 4th, and we'll go through this list now: you know why Michael Bay is the best, Peter Jackson made the impossible possible with Lord of the rings, Zach Snyder has two kickass movies (watchmen and 300) under his belt, and you know tarantinos credentials, Pulp fiction, Inglourious basterds, kill bill etc). do you Know, Mister Hipster, where tim burton lies on this list? somewhere between Uwe Bole and the guys who keep making disaster/superhero/date movie, that is, in the "these guys are so bad I hope they get cancer" category.

now you're asking, Gecko, thats a bit harsh, Burton has changed fil. I kindly interrupt you there, good sir, tim burton has made, of nearly 20 films, 3 good ones. batman (its fucking BATMAN, it can't suck unless its batman begins or batman and robin) Batman Returns (see above) and Edward scissorhands (a genuinely touching movie). and when did he make all of these? 20 years ago, he is coasting on the fact that he made 3 pretty good movies 20 years ago, everything since then? dogshit

Nightmare before christmas you say? I say that that movie is awful for a variety of reasons 1. Jack Skellington is a toolbox 2. the animation is stupid (he only did stop motion to be unique, it would be fine as traditional cel animation, douche) and 3. you meet any animation/art student and ask them their favorite movie, quite a few will say Nightmare before christmas is in among their tops.

Burton also has this nasty habit of not knowing when things don't need to be remade. Ask Charlie and the chocolate factory, not the badass one with Gene wilder who basically spends most of the movie pissed off and angry, Mike teevee as a cowboy, violet beauregard as a blueberry, Augustus gloop dying of sugar OD, you know, the classic; I'd bet solid money that wonka was coked up and or drunk off his ass through most of it No, I'm talking the one with the fruity ass Johnny depp, who has things like a backstory, childhood pain, and acts like a freaky michael Jackson who almost certainly sticks his dick in the chocolate. yeah, think of that next time you eat a candy bar, someones dong taking a dip in your bar, sounds gross right? grosser than insect legs, dick chocolate. I don't CARE why wonka is the way he is, no one does, I just assumed he was a surly drunk most of the day, Maybe he's diabetic, which would be horribly ironic, being a candy icon, in fact, that makes so much sense, willy wonka was diabetic. Maybe I'm alone there. and don't get me started on that alice in wonderland movie he's making.

oh fuck, now i'm started, this is gonna end badly, I can guarantee it. first off, Johnny depp keeps looking freaky as shit, anne hathaway (normally really tappable and is known to be pro anal sex) looks like a goddamn freaky geisha. Helena Bonham carter (who can always, ALWAYS be found in a burton movie) is a shrunken midget. why did we need her around anymore? she's a hipster doofus. and 3-D? everyone knows the avatar is the only movie allowed to do 3-D, because it did UH-MAZINGLY.

anyway, onto depp. Johnny depp gets constant praise for taking Unique, cool roles. well guess what? EVERY role he takes is some crazy, supposedly funny weirdo. Jack Sparrow, the mad hatter, willie wonka, all basically the same artsy, uniquely weird person. Man, do I hate that. Say what you will about tom cruise, Brad Pitt, etc, at least those fuckers play different characters, ditto with George Clooney, but Johnny depp? no, far too content to play some crazy guy who is slightly off but he is a special person! a unique flower!

asshats.