the reason I love Me some gay dudes but not like that, you dirty person

Many straight dudes Hate them some gay people, don't want the gays to get their rights, no marriage, no kids, and want em all dead. to that I offer a heart felt fuck you! as a single straight dude, who is not a skinny bastard by any stretch of the sweatpants, Gay dudes are fucking awesome. why you ask?

the more gay men out there, the more vagina there is out there for Me.

and heres why:

your average gay dude is skinny, fit, attractive, funny, into everything your average hot broad is, you know, food, wine, style, greys anatomy, etc.

so what does this have to do with Me, you say? the gay man would make an ideal boyfriend, except for one key fact:

He is just as into cock as she is.

how does this help Me you say?

when two gay dudes hook up, its two of these perfect guys off the market, it eventually forces women to lower their standards from perfect awesome edward cullen stalker, to average joe who is handsome, charming, and has a dick like a clydesdale. you know, Me. therefore, the more gays the better, because gay people lead to More ladies for Me, and I like Ladies. so vis a vis, I support gay rights, gay people getting married, having kids, teaching people, flying, doing all the things we straights do. now am I saying gay people are perfect? AW HELL NAW son, there are plenty of gays out there who deserve a punch straight in the dick for a variety of reasons, i'll show you a quote


"homosexuality is gods way of ensuring the truly gifted are not burdened with children"

/20 minutes later, my blood pressure has lowered

ho.ly. shit, if i can kill one quote via drawing hanging and quartering, its that quote. and you gays wonder why people hate you? douchey motherfuckers like this lead to nothing but trouble, because then all you gays are grouped together as douchey, or bitchy, or what the proper terminology is for a dickish gay man is, that one quote basically puts all gays in one big gay box with no anal lube or madonna albums. seriously gay people, fix that shit, then we'll talk, but until then, keep on buttfuckin

the late night wars and what I think

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Why I hate Johnny Depp and Tim Burton to the core.

I Know what you're thinking "Kwanzaa, you're going to alienate your entire art school/hipster fanbase" good, if those fucks are reading this, they should've gotten the hint that I hate douchebaggery around post 2. Normally, I'm not this mad about stuff, Most of My hate for the most part, is positive, happy hate, it makes Me feel happy to hate certain things, and this is primarily because a lot of people I know also hate these things (douchebags, elitist nerds, and music snobs are among my most hated), but this is a rather unpopular stance, but dammit, blogging is a form of journalism, so I'm gonna bukkake you with my facts here, Holy shit on a shingle do I hate Tim Burton and Johnny depp, and you're gonna find out why in a minute.

Look how hip and rebellious these guys are! they don't dress like stupid conformists, no sir! I mean, arm tattoos? who has those? and who among you has the courage and balls to dress like a gay hip cowboy like Johnny is? or look like he just woke up and put a square ring on his finger like tim? or appear as though you bought these clothes used when in fact you just spend 250 dollars on ripped jeans, a falsely aged t-shirt and converses? or most importantly, look as though you don't know the words basic hygene. these men are a national treasure of coolness, they are the sole lighthouses in a grey sea of conformity nonuniqueness, the greatest director and actor of the past 20 years!

if you believe the above paragraph, kindly swallow a stick of dynamite, you emo faggot poser. do you not realize it is YOU who is the conformist? you are the one who does what is cool and popular, just not among so called "popular" people, you conform to other things. you soundly believe Tim Burton is the greatest director of the past 20 year s(of which your wrong, the top 3 are Michael Bay, Peter Jackson and Zach Snyder, tarantino is 4th, and we'll go through this list now: you know why Michael Bay is the best, Peter Jackson made the impossible possible with Lord of the rings, Zach Snyder has two kickass movies (watchmen and 300) under his belt, and you know tarantinos credentials, Pulp fiction, Inglourious basterds, kill bill etc). do you Know, Mister Hipster, where tim burton lies on this list? somewhere between Uwe Bole and the guys who keep making disaster/superhero/date movie, that is, in the "these guys are so bad I hope they get cancer" category.

now you're asking, Gecko, thats a bit harsh, Burton has changed fil. I kindly interrupt you there, good sir, tim burton has made, of nearly 20 films, 3 good ones. batman (its fucking BATMAN, it can't suck unless its batman begins or batman and robin) Batman Returns (see above) and Edward scissorhands (a genuinely touching movie). and when did he make all of these? 20 years ago, he is coasting on the fact that he made 3 pretty good movies 20 years ago, everything since then? dogshit

Nightmare before christmas you say? I say that that movie is awful for a variety of reasons 1. Jack Skellington is a toolbox 2. the animation is stupid (he only did stop motion to be unique, it would be fine as traditional cel animation, douche) and 3. you meet any animation/art student and ask them their favorite movie, quite a few will say Nightmare before christmas is in among their tops.

Burton also has this nasty habit of not knowing when things don't need to be remade. Ask Charlie and the chocolate factory, not the badass one with Gene wilder who basically spends most of the movie pissed off and angry, Mike teevee as a cowboy, violet beauregard as a blueberry, Augustus gloop dying of sugar OD, you know, the classic; I'd bet solid money that wonka was coked up and or drunk off his ass through most of it No, I'm talking the one with the fruity ass Johnny depp, who has things like a backstory, childhood pain, and acts like a freaky michael Jackson who almost certainly sticks his dick in the chocolate. yeah, think of that next time you eat a candy bar, someones dong taking a dip in your bar, sounds gross right? grosser than insect legs, dick chocolate. I don't CARE why wonka is the way he is, no one does, I just assumed he was a surly drunk most of the day, Maybe he's diabetic, which would be horribly ironic, being a candy icon, in fact, that makes so much sense, willy wonka was diabetic. Maybe I'm alone there. and don't get me started on that alice in wonderland movie he's making.

oh fuck, now i'm started, this is gonna end badly, I can guarantee it. first off, Johnny depp keeps looking freaky as shit, anne hathaway (normally really tappable and is known to be pro anal sex) looks like a goddamn freaky geisha. Helena Bonham carter (who can always, ALWAYS be found in a burton movie) is a shrunken midget. why did we need her around anymore? she's a hipster doofus. and 3-D? everyone knows the avatar is the only movie allowed to do 3-D, because it did UH-MAZINGLY.

anyway, onto depp. Johnny depp gets constant praise for taking Unique, cool roles. well guess what? EVERY role he takes is some crazy, supposedly funny weirdo. Jack Sparrow, the mad hatter, willie wonka, all basically the same artsy, uniquely weird person. Man, do I hate that. Say what you will about tom cruise, Brad Pitt, etc, at least those fuckers play different characters, ditto with George Clooney, but Johnny depp? no, far too content to play some crazy guy who is slightly off but he is a special person! a unique flower!

asshats.

I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but this is gonna be the best gecko post of all time!

(for those of you over 50, thats a taylor swift joke)

if you are under the age of 25 surtely you know who the abovely pictured broad is, taylor swift, AKA That chick my girlfriend likes her music AKA, a candidate to be the future Mrs Gecko. first off, I'd like to state I do not Hate Her, amazing I know! I Hate everything, but I dig this chick, 3 reasons.

1. she's a good girl, ain't no panty shots or sex tapes (sadly for Me, good for the future girls of america for someone famous to look up to, doesn't drink, smoke, sing about sex, and most importantly, she's not lindsay lohan or paris hilton)

2. she's a fox, tall blonde and cute= total babe

3. she's waay too easy to make fun of in her videos

and that last one is pure gold in my book, she's an easy good target because in her music videos, she (and the guys in them) are almost comically stupid. and thats whats kicking off this brand new series: spoofing taylor swift videos, or as I'll call it, swiftly swinging at swifts sweet singing soppy songs: a miniseries

IN 3-D!!!!!1111

and today, we'll start where taylor herself started

IN 3-D!!!1111

(sorry, 3-d is big right now, I mean shit, you saw avatar right? shit was BALLIN, blue cats running around fighting people, hot damn was that a good movie, but I digress, avatar was filmed entirely....)

in 3-D!!11111

(I swear, thats the last one.... ok, one more time)

IN 3-D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

Ok we done? good

anyhoo: where were we? right, the first video, lets roll the tape Jim!

wait, no preview video? you shitting Me? no little screen? I have to post the link? fucking blogspot, ok, here's the video link, go watch it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKCek6_dB0M (dammit, this really breaks up the flow of what was a very nice post, goddamn assfisters at blogspot/google, click the link and watch, fool).

anyway, what we got here is our first recurring theme in taylor swift videos: Oh this guy doesn't think I'm pretty! to which I respond with a sound, dudes gotta be blind or some shit. You, Taylor? you are quite an attractive young lady, not like say, this broad

Look at THAT landbeast, holy shit, I wouldn't fuck her with your dick, gentle reader. (quick sidenote: we're talking about the whale in the center, but the average midwestern girl is AT LEAST this fat) want another example? oh fuck and yes you want more ugly broads

look at THAT, Taylor, before you complain that no guys like you, because you look like...
this, you are attractive, hot, sexy even. but that is not the point, the point is you sing about how no guys want to go out with you, why is this? are you boring? do you have an odd odor to yourself? perhaps your really clingy? I don't know, I guess we'll have to watch more of your videos at a later time, since this is now a new running series: Taylor swift takedowns that are a subtle hint that I want to make her Mrs Gecko. or whatever the tag is below Me, I don't care either way, the point is, get ready, get set my readers, and lets go for More Mocking of a successful 20 year old girl to make ourselves feel better, you know you'll be back.

more encycbropedia brotannica!

with the advent of some of the most wanton douchebaggery to ever be unleashed on tv (jersey shore) People have been clamoring for more encycbropedia, and I am a man of the people (as all great americans should be) so here you go, More Bro words ahoy!

Bropane:

Bropane is what brobeques are had on, on their bro cookers, it is how most food is broasted in a pan, using bropane. whats in bropane? most of the shit thats in propane, plus hairgel, bits of hair, axe body spray, Lil waynes tatoos and t-pains tophat, in other words, its powered by 100 percent DOUCHE. food cooked on bropane, no matter how good the food, will taste identical to sadness and the tears of indians, its fucking depressing seeing a bro try and cook (notice that I said try, most of these fuckers end up self immolating (thats a big way to say set themselves on fire immolating sounds far cooler) man, do I always over use parenthesises this must, by the way, parenthesis is just a parent thesis, fucking blows my mind, its a compound word, its the thesis that tells your thesis what to do, a parenthesis)

I got off track again didn't I? ah fuck, sorry reader, now I'm just gonna see how much of your time I can waste, go on, keep reading this. I dare you not to, if you stop, Jay Leno will replace you reading this and bump your reading this a half hour.

anyway, bropane is fucking vile, it doesn't burn normal person's skin, it only burns if your skin is orange, so it doesn't kill anyone important.

Brokemon:

anyone whose anyone likes Pokemon, its cool, its badass, its got winners all over the place, so naturally, bros like pokemon, but not cool pokemon. how to spot a bro owner of pokemon red blue or yellow:

1. He chooses Bulbasaur, Bulbasaur is solid, Imma let him finish, but he's the biggest loser between squirtle him and charmander, squirtle evolves in blastoise, do you need a blastoise picture?

HE'S GOT CANNONS ON HIS BACK! WHAT.A.CHAMP.

of course, blastoise falls in comparison to the pokegod, probably my favorite starter, thats right bitches, its MOTHERFUCKING CHARIZARD

look at charizard. JUST LOOK AT HIM! tail on fire? check, badassery? check. wings? check charizard is a BOSS

venusaur? Venusaur's aiight, He's funny, easy to make penile jokes (PENISAUR! Get it?! or better, penis whore! bam! two dick jokes like that! or my favorite feelawhore! its like an invitation to fondle!) Grass types generally suck

2. He catches a fucking raticate, everyone hates raticate, its just a fact, jack. raticate SUCKS

3. He prefers vaporeon, easily the worst eevee form (eevee needs less E's, I'm not sure if its one e or two in the front, correct me in the comments)

4.He likes dragonite, AKA the big orange retard of pokemon.

5. his party consists of venusaur, vaporeon, raticate, Dragonite, Hitmonlee and omastar (all losers)

6. He doesn't use the rare candy glitch/wastes his master ball.

I believe thats all we need on brokemon. what? what pokemon do I use? sure, I'll tell ya
Charizard, Mewtwo, Mew, Lapras, zapdos and whatever the fuck pleases Me that moment, its what you can do when you have all 151, assfister.

Bropera:

Bropera is what bros like to listen to. what consists of bropera? shit music autotuned, douche rock, etc. whats shit music? well, Lil wayne, He's easily the first to go. Evanescence, and that is entirely biased because of a raging hateon I have for amy lee, holy fuck do I hate amy lee, i have for many years, and will continue to. why you ask? She's a fame whore attention grabbing slut, here, read this

She has stated on a number of occasions that she would never flash her breasts or engage in other publicity stunts that would draw attention to herself. In fact, in the music video for "Everybody's Fool", she aimed to mock such artists by suggesting that celebrities who use sex to appeal to an audience are, in fact, merely peddling "lies" (the unifying theme of the music video). Many fans praise Lee for her refusal to emulate other celebrities by using sex appeal in her music (thanks wiki)

well, if you don't wanna engage in publicity stunts, DON'T SAY DOUCHEY SHIT LIKE THAT. DON'T SAY SHIT THAT IN TURN, BRINGS ATTENTION TO YOU,.HOLY SHIT ARE YOU A HYPOCRITE, YOU LYING UGLY CUNT. YOU KNOW WHY YOU DON'T USE SEX APPEAL? NO ONE WANTS TO FUCK YOU, YOU TWO BIT TWILIGHT WHORE, HOLY FUCK AM I PISSED OFF NOW, VERY FEW THINGS ANGER ME LIKE IDIOTS.

here's another one

"In 2004, Lee claimed to be working on music for The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, but that the music was rejected by the studio for being "too dark and epic." (once again, thanks wiki)

you're not dark, you are the polar opposite of epic, holy shit on a shingle, do I want to hit her with a monster truck, she's a lady douche at its finest. she's convinced she is artsy, unique, a special flower amidst the rubble of society, your not. your an ugly goth chick who got lucky to be famous who is a mouthy twat, you hate on slash? you get some hate back, Slash is THE MAN. he's like a british josh homme who helped write appetite for destruction, easily one of the 10 best rock albums ever made.you, Amy lee, are a talentless, ugly, vagina dentata having useless waste of carbon atoms and valuable oxygen and resources, I hope sincerely you are sterile so you do not breed ugly pompous children who I turn will have to pummel to death with a sack full of valencia oranges or nickels. no, definitely nickels, that would satisfy me to no end almost to the point my hate would die down to almost non existance, anyone whose read any other entries of this would know, that that takes a fuckload of hate satisfaction.

anyway, other people who are in bropera: T-pain, Kanye (great musician, but his wanton douchebaggery lands him here), Phoenix, the fireflies guy (he looks like bo burnham), Post Slash Guns N Roses, devil wears prada, green day,

there we go, 3 new bro words, until next time.

Shit that I'd like to see in the new year

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the Kwanzaa gecko badass stuff of the year

now, we are nearing the end of this year 2009 (disregard that year if you use the jewish or chinese calenders, you crazy), which means all the magazines and tv shows are rolling out their annual awards, people, show, album, worst and best. Well, as much as i love saying things suck (and trust Me, hating makes me hard enough to take batting practice) so you should know how much it pains me to congradulate some motherfuckers for a bang up job they have done.

unlike every award show ever, lets start shit off right with the big ones you care about, Man, album, Movie of the year.

Man of the Year: Cap'n sully.

if you dont want to vote cap'n sully for man of the year, congradulations, your more of a dick than the trinity killer on dexter. what qualifies cap'n sully? for one, He's got a good stashe, for two, he saved 155 lives, which is more than obama and any other political cocksniffer has done all year. We are talking about a man, a myth a legend, what would you have done? I know for a fact I would've been freaking out if My plane went down, but not cap'n sully, He's like Rosie O'donnels genitals (in a good way): cold, untouched by man, feared by all, and no ones sure what they are, but you know you don't wanna meet them in a street fight, also, It feeds solely on women and virgins. We should elect cap'n sully for god next year, and considering Josh Homme AND Michael Bay both having bukkakes of badassery this year (both of which we'll get to later). the point is cap'n sully did what no one else did this year, be a total american, he fought for his rights as a pilot. here, just to show, Picture of sully

Cap'n Sully, not pictured? your sister sucking him Like she's a hoover on your carpet.

Look at that picture of cap'n sully. STUDY THAT SHIT LIKE ITS YOUR FINAL EXAM BITCH. He's got everything a kickass guy needs, good pose, sweet uniform, Mustashe, watch that can probably call zordon whenever he wants to summon the dragonzord and thus, fuck your shit up, badges of honor, and an all around american. Cap'n sully will win from now until the rest of time. Runners up include Neil Patrick Harris for being a champ on How I met your Mother, Don draper for being don motherfucking draper, and Michael Bay.

Album of the year: TIE!

thats right bitches, its a tie, this has been by far the hardest choice of all my votes, because two UH-MAZING albums came out this year.

in thiis cooorner, weighing in at 8 kickass songs, is the mastodon album, craaaaaaack the skyeeeee by mastodoooooooonnn

We've gone over before why crack the skye is one of the best albums ever, but to recap. extremely metal, vaguely resembles Metallica Master of puppets era (quick side joke for Kalu: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT RESEMBLES METALLICA? IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?!, oh Dave Mustaine, if you could sing Megadeth would be legendary instead of simply mildly epic). Killer guitars and drums, and all the guys in mastodon look like they could be vikings circa 960 AD, raiding fucking and drinking. go on, look them up, I'll wait.

go on, this blog isn't going nowhere, I have all the time in the world.

you done? really? I doubt it, go do it again, I SAID DO IT FAGGOT, DO IT OR I'LL BEAT YOU LIKE YOU BEAT YOUR GODDAMN DICK, YOU LITTLE UNGRATEFUL TWATTANGOER.

there, are you done? do you not agree?

and in thiiis corner, weighing in at a hefty hefty 13 songs, the album THEM CROOKED VULLLTUUUURRRESS by the artist of the same name.

now, this is nothing against TCV, who are them crooked vultures? Josh Homme (who you might now as Ginger jesus, My favorite Musician and the current reigning god of rock) on vocals/guitar, Dave Grohl (known as primarily the guy in the foo fighters who everyone knows, kyle orton impersonator, drummer for nirvana, drummed for Queens of the stone age on the greatest album of the decade, the Thor to Hommes Odin , still a badass god and one you don't wanna fuck with, but Odin is the baddest of the bad) and finally, John Paul Jones on Bass (Led zeppelins bassist/all around guy, the best bassist to ever live.period) when news this band formed in late august, I nearly came in delight, the album drops, its just like you would imagine, all 3 guys just kicking back, eating turkey legs, drinking Jim bean from the bottle and punchfucking barely legal pussy, all in all, its such a kickass album its goddamn rediculous, but what would you expect out of 3 legends of rock? for Mastodon to achieve this level of success to match them is amazing, but sadly, it is a tie.

Movie of the year: Transformer 2: revenge of the fallen

I know I know "It wasn't as good as the first one! robot heaven was gay!" to be better than transformers 1 is like trying to be more awesome than Josh Homme, More Lose than Spencer Pratt and more, or have more candy than the cool houses at halloween who give out big candy, its just not done, people. Transformers 1 is the single greatest movie of all time, OF ALL TIME! here, lets have a quick rundown of whats in transformers 1.

Gratuititous fighting? Check

Tools getting pwned? check

dick jokes and hilarious masturbation references? check

too many hot girls? check

hot girl with a nose piercing? check

Hot australian girl with a nose piercing? check

Megan fox in various states of undress and dirty/sweaty? check

more explosions than at los almos 1945? check

Robots punching each other for no reason? check

annoying friend who is ditched after 15 minutes? check

dangerous amounts of kick ass and a heroic ending? check

Jon voight still pissed off he raised a stupid fatheaded twat of a daughter, who at the same time is SMOKIN hot? check

tell Me thats not a movie you don't wanna see, you already HAVE seen it, its called transformers 1. Transformers 2 has most of these as well (the annoying friend sticks around too long and looks like mark sanchez, the hot australian girl is replaced by a hot robot girl who I am not sure of her ethnicity) but it also adds robot testicles, parents getting high and making fools of themselves, Megan fox in leather (HOO RAH), old robots complaining, legs getting humped, OPTIMUS PRIME FUCKING DYING. it is the 2nd or 3rd best movie of the decade (depending where you put the Lord of the rings trilogy as a whole) so it only makes sense that transformers two wins Movie of the year, enjoy your golden gecko, Michael Bay.

and now, good tidings

Merry christmas to all who read this, I hope everyone has a kickass holiday, for those who I won't get to see during this christmas season, my best wishes to you all, since I don't do christmas cards. so Merry christmas to the gang, you know who you are, my cousins, and anyone who reads this who I can't see.

I wish you, yes, you, my reader, a merry christmas, and a happy new year, here's hoping 2010 sucks less.