the Kwanzaa gecko badass stuff of the year

now, we are nearing the end of this year 2009 (disregard that year if you use the jewish or chinese calenders, you crazy), which means all the magazines and tv shows are rolling out their annual awards, people, show, album, worst and best. Well, as much as i love saying things suck (and trust Me, hating makes me hard enough to take batting practice) so you should know how much it pains me to congradulate some motherfuckers for a bang up job they have done.

unlike every award show ever, lets start shit off right with the big ones you care about, Man, album, Movie of the year.

Man of the Year: Cap'n sully.

if you dont want to vote cap'n sully for man of the year, congradulations, your more of a dick than the trinity killer on dexter. what qualifies cap'n sully? for one, He's got a good stashe, for two, he saved 155 lives, which is more than obama and any other political cocksniffer has done all year. We are talking about a man, a myth a legend, what would you have done? I know for a fact I would've been freaking out if My plane went down, but not cap'n sully, He's like Rosie O'donnels genitals (in a good way): cold, untouched by man, feared by all, and no ones sure what they are, but you know you don't wanna meet them in a street fight, also, It feeds solely on women and virgins. We should elect cap'n sully for god next year, and considering Josh Homme AND Michael Bay both having bukkakes of badassery this year (both of which we'll get to later). the point is cap'n sully did what no one else did this year, be a total american, he fought for his rights as a pilot. here, just to show, Picture of sully

Cap'n Sully, not pictured? your sister sucking him Like she's a hoover on your carpet.

Look at that picture of cap'n sully. STUDY THAT SHIT LIKE ITS YOUR FINAL EXAM BITCH. He's got everything a kickass guy needs, good pose, sweet uniform, Mustashe, watch that can probably call zordon whenever he wants to summon the dragonzord and thus, fuck your shit up, badges of honor, and an all around american. Cap'n sully will win from now until the rest of time. Runners up include Neil Patrick Harris for being a champ on How I met your Mother, Don draper for being don motherfucking draper, and Michael Bay.

Album of the year: TIE!

thats right bitches, its a tie, this has been by far the hardest choice of all my votes, because two UH-MAZING albums came out this year.

in thiis cooorner, weighing in at 8 kickass songs, is the mastodon album, craaaaaaack the skyeeeee by mastodoooooooonnn

We've gone over before why crack the skye is one of the best albums ever, but to recap. extremely metal, vaguely resembles Metallica Master of puppets era (quick side joke for Kalu: WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT RESEMBLES METALLICA? IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?!, oh Dave Mustaine, if you could sing Megadeth would be legendary instead of simply mildly epic). Killer guitars and drums, and all the guys in mastodon look like they could be vikings circa 960 AD, raiding fucking and drinking. go on, look them up, I'll wait.

go on, this blog isn't going nowhere, I have all the time in the world.

you done? really? I doubt it, go do it again, I SAID DO IT FAGGOT, DO IT OR I'LL BEAT YOU LIKE YOU BEAT YOUR GODDAMN DICK, YOU LITTLE UNGRATEFUL TWATTANGOER.

there, are you done? do you not agree?

and in thiiis corner, weighing in at a hefty hefty 13 songs, the album THEM CROOKED VULLLTUUUURRRESS by the artist of the same name.

now, this is nothing against TCV, who are them crooked vultures? Josh Homme (who you might now as Ginger jesus, My favorite Musician and the current reigning god of rock) on vocals/guitar, Dave Grohl (known as primarily the guy in the foo fighters who everyone knows, kyle orton impersonator, drummer for nirvana, drummed for Queens of the stone age on the greatest album of the decade, the Thor to Hommes Odin , still a badass god and one you don't wanna fuck with, but Odin is the baddest of the bad) and finally, John Paul Jones on Bass (Led zeppelins bassist/all around guy, the best bassist to ever live.period) when news this band formed in late august, I nearly came in delight, the album drops, its just like you would imagine, all 3 guys just kicking back, eating turkey legs, drinking Jim bean from the bottle and punchfucking barely legal pussy, all in all, its such a kickass album its goddamn rediculous, but what would you expect out of 3 legends of rock? for Mastodon to achieve this level of success to match them is amazing, but sadly, it is a tie.

Movie of the year: Transformer 2: revenge of the fallen

I know I know "It wasn't as good as the first one! robot heaven was gay!" to be better than transformers 1 is like trying to be more awesome than Josh Homme, More Lose than Spencer Pratt and more, or have more candy than the cool houses at halloween who give out big candy, its just not done, people. Transformers 1 is the single greatest movie of all time, OF ALL TIME! here, lets have a quick rundown of whats in transformers 1.

Gratuititous fighting? Check

Tools getting pwned? check

dick jokes and hilarious masturbation references? check

too many hot girls? check

hot girl with a nose piercing? check

Hot australian girl with a nose piercing? check

Megan fox in various states of undress and dirty/sweaty? check

more explosions than at los almos 1945? check

Robots punching each other for no reason? check

annoying friend who is ditched after 15 minutes? check

dangerous amounts of kick ass and a heroic ending? check

Jon voight still pissed off he raised a stupid fatheaded twat of a daughter, who at the same time is SMOKIN hot? check

tell Me thats not a movie you don't wanna see, you already HAVE seen it, its called transformers 1. Transformers 2 has most of these as well (the annoying friend sticks around too long and looks like mark sanchez, the hot australian girl is replaced by a hot robot girl who I am not sure of her ethnicity) but it also adds robot testicles, parents getting high and making fools of themselves, Megan fox in leather (HOO RAH), old robots complaining, legs getting humped, OPTIMUS PRIME FUCKING DYING. it is the 2nd or 3rd best movie of the decade (depending where you put the Lord of the rings trilogy as a whole) so it only makes sense that transformers two wins Movie of the year, enjoy your golden gecko, Michael Bay.

and now, good tidings

Merry christmas to all who read this, I hope everyone has a kickass holiday, for those who I won't get to see during this christmas season, my best wishes to you all, since I don't do christmas cards. so Merry christmas to the gang, you know who you are, my cousins, and anyone who reads this who I can't see.

I wish you, yes, you, my reader, a merry christmas, and a happy new year, here's hoping 2010 sucks less.

Just a quickie (Warning! this isn't your typical silly post)

Disclaimer:

I know all 6 of you usually come for the laughs and stay for the explosions, but this is not that day, this is a serious goddamn post, so stick around

today is november 11th, veterans day. Normally I don't post this sort of "oh sappy holiday" bull, but veterans day is special, its unique. It is a truly american holiday, where we celebrate the truly important americans, not our congressmen, not our senators, not our presidents, not our supreme court justices, not our politicans, our writers, our demonstrators, No. Today is about soldiers, the people who have fought and died for us. They died for my right to write about dipshit parents and make jokes, they died so you can read this, they died so we could all live in a better, freer place, a place were Nicole ritchie is famous and good charlotte is liked, but a place were we have truly great people too, all of which would be for naught without our soldiers. so to any vets or current soldiers reading this, may God be with you today and every day, and I leave you with a comment I found on Kissing suzy kolber, one of the best blogs on earth, about today.

WHAT IS A VET

Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar,a certain look in the eye. Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pinholding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg – or perhaps another sortof inner steel: the soul’s ally forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem. You can’t tell a vet just by looking.

what is a vet?

He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallonsa day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn’t run out of fuel

He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hoursof exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.

She or he—is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing everynight for two solid years in Da Nang.

He is the POW who went away one person and came back another—or didn’t come back AT ALL.

He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat—but has savedcountless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members intoMarines, and teaching them to watch each other’s backs.

He is the parade—riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with aprosthetic hand.

He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.

He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence atthe Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all theanonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean’s sunless deep.

He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket—palsied now andaggravatingly slow—who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all daylong that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come

He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being—a person who offered some of his life’s most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificedhis ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.

He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothingmore than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nationever known.

So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say Thank You. That’s all most people need, and in most cases it will meanmore than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.

Two little words that mean a lot, “THANK YOU.”

Lastly, a quote

“It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press. Itis the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It is thesoldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.It is the soldier, who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag.”

Father Dennis Edward O’Brien, USMC

(no credit goes to me for any of the above except the parts I wrote credit to orton hears an oot in the KSK comments secrtion for getting it from footballguys.com)

thank you, and god bless

Underrated shit in life

too often in life, things are underrated, one of my best friends once said "the three most underrated things in the world are cereal, sitting and flat ground" 2 outta 3 aint' bad (cereal's aiight at best), so Naturally kev, I have to top your ass.

ready bitches?

thing 1: good water fountains

lets paint this picture, your jogging through the park on a mildly hot day, lets say its 85 degrees fahrenheit (the only REAL system of tempreture, I'm looking at you, centigrade), decent humidity, and your sweating your balls off, which is odd, since your nuts are stuck to your taint by now, you forgot your water bottle at home, you are fucking dying of thirst like your a starving african boy, and then! salvation! a water fountain! tall glorious, covered in stone, its like the things dick but instead of clobbering times, it dispenses water! oh water! you run, hit that button and BANG! its warm, disgusting, its like your at R. Kellys house and your a 15 year old girl, its that uncomfortable warm where it tastes vaguely like piss and it is hardly refreshing.

go on, replace that with anything, a walk in school and you hit that warm fountain, it is disgusting and awful. worse yet is when the fountain is at a drinkable tempreture, but it shoots so damn low its like drinking from a goddamn stream, plus now theres a possibility you got chlymidia, and that will make you a real drag to hang out with, no one likes STDs anymore than they like Jon Gosselin or Kids Named Jackson, my god, now my blood is boiling. so what defines a good water fountain then? well, it has to shoot high, high enough I can bend down to drink it at a reasonable spot. It has to be cold, I like my water fountains roughly. 3 degrees above freezing, I drink them for fucking HOURS and am happy, holy shit, do I love that feeling, the feeling of ice cold pain on your teeth, it burns so good and I am refreshed as shit afterwards, oh, theres my erection popping up again, oh, there goes the roof as a result.

anyway, point I'm trying to make is you never appreciate that good cold water fountains, NEVER, Even I take these holy sacraments for granted.

Thing 2: Peace and goddamn quiet

who doesn't like peace and motherfucking quiet? terrorists, thats who. There are many benefits of being at community college (kickass water fountains and hot domb girls are at the top) but the big downside? Lotsa dumb people. I mean A LOT of dumb people. I mean more dumb people than at your average sorority/fraternity mixer. I am talking a whole shitload of dumb people. now I don't mind dumb people, some of my best friends (read: My brother) are dumb people. I just realized that dumb people lined up at the end of the last three lines. isn't that weird? fuckin look at that, thats gotta be a secret message, I'll send this post to dan brown so he can da vinci code that shit and I can make millions, no BILLIONS! then I shall be rich! Ha! Ha!

were the hell was I? oh right, dumb people

anyway, lots of dumb people can succeed (President Bush, Rush Limbaugh, Hilary clinton, the entire cast of twilight) but nothing, NOTHING irks me like loud motherfuckers. were I spend a majority of my time at school, the library, has recently been taken over by loud people. its a library motherfuckers, not a chatatorium, my god, do these People anger me, hogging all the computers and seats and being general bags of shit. on their cell phones, yelling to each other across the room, its a wonder I have stopped talking/caring in school (kidding, I love school), but my god, when I get home nothing makes me happier than peace and fucking quiet, who likes working in loudass environments? no one, thats who. its fucking annoying to try and let your top flight humor flow when you can hear motherfuckers talking about how ghettoliscious they are, makes me want to fucking remove some eyeballs with a melon baller.

Thursdays

people will tell you friday is the best day of the week, or saturday. these people couldn't be more wrong, thursday is the goddamn best day of the week, and its not close. Want Proof? first, friday is a throwaway day in your work or school week, no one cares on friday. second, decent people go out on thursday nights, nothing but dipshits go out on fridays and chill, brah. or slutty dirty people like the olson twins or your Mom. thirdly, football is played on thursday, both good pro and good college, is football played on friday, gay high school football excepted? I do believe a no has to be checked in that box, don't you friend? Is the best TV of the goddamn week on fridays? the only thing on fridays Is Degrassi, and thats been going downhill since they stabbed JT and let him die in a puddle of another mans pee. Is the best TV on thursdays? fuck and yes it is. Community, The Office, 30 Rock, Always sunny and the league? fuck to the yiz-es, it is. I believe without a doubt thursday is the best day of the week, it has everything lofty days should have, opportunities to drink, kickass tv and football is all you need to have a good fucking day.

and now, a kwanzaa gecko special announcement!

Happy thanksgiving, I just fooled you into thinking i had something important to say, and welcome back to all my homies from summer, god damn I missed you fuckers more than words or pubic hair currency can express, so yeah, welcome back

Oh fuck, another kid named Jayden! how to properly name your child

this sort of goes hand in hand with the "dipshit parents raise dipshit kids" Philosophy, but is it just me, or have normal, non batshit names gone out the window in favor of shit that isn't a name? heres a list some of the top boys names of 2008

Aiden, Kayden, Jaden, Jackson, Logan, Tyler, Taylor, Carson, Carter

notice a trend? all of these names are dipshits. you name your son kayden? congrats, your contributing to the growing population of bros, that kid will grow up and love lacrosse, hate laughter, enjoy the music of good charlotte, and hate all things wonderful and good. so then, for you, the average reader, what should I name my kid so he doesn't grow up to be the kind of person who warrants a mallet to the kidneys? oh thats easy.

you go simple, badass names

Names like Michael, Paul, Nicholas, Phillip, Andrew, simple names, no funny spellings, no phillip with an F, no Nikolas, spell it right, motherfuckers. or if your feeling badass, rock a cool foreign name like Sven, or Axel, shit, if you name your son axel, theres a 100 percent chance that he will grow up to be one of these things:

1. lumberjack

2. Metal guitarist

3. a badass lumberjack metal guitarist

ain't no fags named axel, its just the rules people. if you name your son a black name and your white, anything starting with ja and then a name, jamarcus, Jamatthew, I've seen some jermichaels, or in girls cases, la, lakeisha, latoya, lavender, then you are naming your son wrong (read: if your a halfie half, you can name your kid a ja or a la, but I don't want to see white kids with extremely black names). now of course, you may be asking, oh wise kwanzaa gecko, what shall you name your kid? simple, bitch, an easy name

if its a boy:

after Me or the old man, or my grandpa, alternatively, Lincoln or Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gombigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andri Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III. if all those fail, then a solid name like George or Malcolm

if its a girl:

fuck, I had a girl? I'm giving it back, I want a mulligan. I can't? fuck, I guess whatever Mrs Gecko wants in that case, but if I have to choose, after my grandma would be good.

by the way, do you know what sucks? when it feels like you have inhaled fucking iron scraps into your lungs so your coughs are loud and violent, sort of like your mom in bed, holy fuck, do I hate this, I have been fighting a cold for the past 2 weeks or so, fading in and out, it is fucking HELL. God damn, am I pissed, my lungs fucking ACHE, its a horrible horrible world populated exclusively by me, its like I'm trapped on an island, but instead of an island, its a blood curdling cough that makes me wonder if I am dying slowly of lung rot, and man, I wish I had more to rant about, sadly I do not, so I am going to go fucking shoot my lungs and steal michael phelps' so I can breathe like a fucking champ.

American Heroes and how to be an american

ok, do I have to do this opening? I'm a fucking STAR now, everyone knows this! I don't DO opening, send out jimenez to do it, I am going to sit in my trailer and masturbate furiously to playboy playmates, thank you very much.

what?

I'm not a star?

and I just did my opening anyway (heh heh, did your moms opening) shut up, inner voice!

whats my topic? america? I can dig that like I'm an 1850's california gold miner. BAM! History puns!

some great americans:

1. George Motherfucking washington

to NOT have George Motherfucking washington on a list of great americans is like having a list of the most lose people on earth and forgetting the french, its ri-fuckingdiculous, and you should be hit with rocks for being that dumb. why is George motherfucking washington american? do I have to answer that? DO I? fine, I will







1. flew on a dragon to fight the british, EVERYONE KNOWS THIS







2. only man ever (EVER) to beat the british empire. Yep, no one else beat em, germany? ass beatings from britain? france? france can't beat anyone. Spain? I'm pretty sure they don't fight. nope, only George MOTHERFUCKING washington has ever beaten the brits, shit, he even beat em near the top of their power, he and his generals (but most of those guys aren't awesome)





3. first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen, Washington was a general asskicker. do you know who fucked with washington from 1775 till he died? fuckin no one, thats who bitch. Washingtons semen inpregnated lady liberty, and out popped afuckingmerica. He is the father of america, and to not have george MOTHERFUCKING washington on this list is sad, and he's #1.





Person 2: Michael bay





oh, do I really have to? go read the michael bay article, He's like washingtons son, bitch.



Person 3: George Herman "Babe" Ruth



Babe ruth is to sports what washington is to freedom and liberty, in that both are the fathers of both, oh sure, the ideas and stuff existed before them, but who was the one to put them into practice? Babe ruth, thats who. Babe ruth was the ideal fucking american. He ate like a champ, drank like a boss, he was the king of fuck mountain, and he smoked cigars regularly. nowadays, a guy like that would be torn apart in the modern media as a bad influence, but the babe loved kids, not like Michael Jackson, Babe ruth created little league. Betcha didn't know that, didja? see, I'm capable of whipping out my facticles and plopping them down on the table for you to admire their sheer size weight and hairyness, not just easy tit jokes or nut butter puns here, nope, I got facts, bitch, so see my facticles? all laid out nicely on the table? suck it



THATS RIGHT BITCH, SUCK MY FACTS LIKE THEY WERE CANDY!!!!



oh, back to ruth.



Yeah, He created sports because he also helped create the best time in sports history, the new york motherfucking yankees, who have won more than I have and over a longer stretch of time.

now, how does one aquire the title, American? Americsan is the ultimate title, for lock of a better word, it sums up everything that is great, awesome, win, tits and kickass, to be called an american is a few steps below being god, but quite a few above victory master.

so do you become an american?

1. you must love america (obvious)

2. no really, you gotta love america

3. I'm not shitting you, you gotta love it more than you do fucking anything

4. you have to own at least 1 american flag and at least article of clothing with the american flag on it

5. can you sing the star spangled banner? good

6. America is fucking flawless, because I said so.

Nerds need to be pummelled, just some though, and the Kwanzaa gecko Hatestitution

ok, I am a bit of a nerd, let me be straight up real straight up with you guys, I love star wars, lord of the rings, Lost and some (SOME) anime, I have my dorky side, but don't we all? but something recently has come to my attention:

way too many of these fat fucks of basement dwellers need to get lives.

Now we've all heard this rant (MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOMS BASEMENT YOU FAT FUCKS) but over the past 10 years, with stuff like cheap cable modems, youtubes rise and the fact that deviantart is around are all major factors in this rise to fatosity. Now, lots of these basement nerds need a swift kick in the ass, because do you know what I never hear out of them? positivity. let me give you some examples

Watchmen:

anyone who saw watchmen can tell you, it was a lofty movie, had everything you could want, great cinematography, tits, explosions, flamethrowers, glowing blue dong, fucking everything. but what do the dork mafia say? wah wah, it should be a mini series, Zach snyder is ruining MY happiness, MY dreams, How dare he! to you, I kindly say, fuck yourselves with a curling iron. Zach Snyder and the rest of them do not exist to please you, you fat fuck, he exists to make absolutely Baysian (Michael Bay like) movies for the masses, featuring explosions fighting and sex. grow up! you and your message board strokebuddies don't count as "the majority".

Animefags:

do I really have to do this? I mean, come on, this is like shooting fish in a barrell...with a shotgun...that shoots bombs... Do I have to point out the obvious here? Animefags have more whine in them than the french and a southern california vineyard. "waaah, my favorite anime IS NOT FOR KIDS, IT IS A FUCKING SERIOUS.GODDAMN.SHOW" bro, in Japan, a lot of them are meant for kids. Now, I'm not gonna be that guy who says "anime sux lolroffle" cause anime does not suck. there is some generally badass anime out there, Dragonball Z, Yu Yu Hakusho, Naruto, all of these animes feature gratuitious fighting and plenty of explosions, Sailor moon has tits and short skirts for my pervy side, and Trigun is just fucking awesome. but the people who like anime, the ones who complain about "how america is RUINING it, they are butchering it" Die.now. You are a waste of my precious oxygen and food supply (not that they eat more than cheetos and mountain dew anyway). No one cares about your online petition, fag, to get uncut subbed episodes of fushugi I dunno, lets say sam, on DVD so you can spend Mommys Money on it, grow up, stop buying anime figurines and eating pocky, you smelly unshaven weirdo, and being a general drain on society, you're fat and nobody likes you, my god, my hate for you is almost as bad as my Hate for bros.

speaking of hate, Many have asked Me "Kwanzaa gecko, you are amazing, but why all the hate? and why only to bros" simple, Hating is who I am, thus, the hatestitution was born. whats a hatestitution? its a hate constitution, my rules of hating shit, here we go bitches, sign the hatestitution.

rule Uno: compound swear words are the best swear words (fucksucker, douchesmuggler, shitstraddler)

rule the 2nd: Hating is natural, don't listen to what people say when Hating is bad, Hating is amazing, provided you channel it right (IE, don't kill anyone)

rule numero three: no one is spared in hate, Bros, Nerds, blacks, whites, crippled people, all have reasons to want them covered in tar and dragged behind a car on a gravel road.

Part quatro, son: Hating everything and everyone doesn't make you rascist, sexist, elitist, it makes you a hater.

cinco: Hating is trolling, trolling is hating

I don't have a funny word for six: all of the above must be followed

seven, one of eleven:if someone cries as a result of hating, its their fault for being bitches and not being able to take your hate.

ocho: 95 percent of people and things deserve more hate.

Numbah neun, numbah neun, numbah neun: Hate boners are the best kind of boners

10: this is the last part of the hatestitution (heh, tits)

a definitive list of the 5 biggest Winners in Television History

I am going to come clean: I fucking Love TV, it might be the best thing to come to planet earth since the galactic lord xenu came and bombed the volcanos with Hydrogen Bonds (Just kidding, Scientology is bullshit). but TV is full of Champs, from the lowest to the highest, well today, Gecklets, I am going to give a definitive list of TV's Biggest, baddest Sonsabitches in no particular order.

5. Dexter Morgan:

first and foremost, Look at dexter motherfucking Morgan. swell cat, Forensic Scientist working for the Miami PD solving Murders, Porking Hot single Mothers, oh, and he's a fucking serial killer . Normally, serial Killers are smelly weirdos who either pop a serious stiffy from killing, or eat their victims, or if they're jeffery Dahmer, both. Dexter Morgan? Nah son, Dexter abides by a fucking killing code, He only kills Murderers who have evaded Justice, like a fucking Bounty Hunter. He Killed His Brother who looks nothing like him because he tried to murder his (adopted) sister. He also is a fucking genius, evading capture like I evade Fall out boys music. what Makes Dexter a total pimp? well, his girlfriends hot as shit, he doesn't give a fuck who he kills, provided they killed before, Women, Men, old people, children, white, black, Dexter Morgan is an equal oppritunity badass.

4. the entire fucking bluth family:

to say I love Arrested Development is an understatement. If Arrested Development were a woman, she'd be my super hot, super down to earth wife who cooked like Alton Brown and cleaned like a fucking boss who'd always have cold beer and warm pussy. In short, Arrested Development is fucking PERFECT, it is the best TV show ever, if only on the principle that there are no bad episodes of it, all the episodes are side splittingly hilarious. To pick one AD characcer out of this victorious line up is near impossible, so the solid choice is the entire fucking bluth family, which is a total cop out, but fuck you in the toes on this one. You Got Jason Bateman as one of the best straight men in comedy history, managing to be totally dickish and the only sane one. Michael cera before he was the annoying hipster awkward kid being a funny awkward kid who wants to pork his cousin. Will Arnett as GOB, and nothing more needs to be said about that since I don't want to ruin the joy that is GOB. David Cross as Portia Del Rossis Ambiguously sexual Husband (at best), and Buster whose name I can't remember as an awkward Mamas boy in his 30s's, Alia Shakwat as Tobias and Lindsays Daughter, and she is kind of not funny, but still manages to kick ass. sorry, let me put away my raging ADrection, because you have to watch this fucking show to realise that all the bluths are badass motherfuckers.

3. Don Draper:

Before I start this, let me be clear: Don Draper is everything a Man should be. 3 piece suit? check. Scotch drinker? Check. Having sex with various ho's, ranging from beatnik weirdos to rich spanish girls and all in between? check. Devoted family man? hoo boy, check. Don Draper is a fucking pimp. Look at him! the Main Character of the fantastic Mad Men (which I would put as another ensamble thing, but I don't like Peggy enough, though Pete and Roger and Joan are all epic in their own way), Draper suffers from a bit of an identity crisis, I won't spoil anything because that wouldn't be cool, but Don Draper is a total fucking champ. He is a complex man, a cheater who loves His wife (you would too, January Jones is fucking fine), he loves his children enough to not hang out with them, he wears a fedora and a duster, and smokes like a champ (sadly, not cigars, or else He might top my list of badasses in history, period). He sticks up for women when he has to, He deals with his shit, but doesn't gossip like the guys at work, but is more than capable of ruling not only your shit, but your sisters and your cousins shit as well just by being that amazing at life, the universe and everything. I reaaally want to spoil what goes down, but that isn't fun, go watch mad men, fool.

4. (tie) Desmond hume, Ben Linus, John Locke

(sorry for the funny formatting, its a bitch to get them in a row like ducks)

now why are these 3 men badasses? Desmond for one, Has more flashes than a woman in menopause, and your never quite sure whether desmond is flashing back, flashing forward, flashing sideways, appearing on another show, plus he is a crazed drinking scotsman who is in love with a hot british girl, has a son, and eludes death like a fucking warrior, oh, and he calls everyone he meets brutha, threatens a bald britishman, and has the single most tear jerker moment in all of Lost. Ben Linus is a total winner, who can do things such as summon the fucking smoke monster of the island, know all your islands secrets, get your leader deported, kill both his parents on his birthday (his mom in childbirth, so it kinda counts), go into the jungle and meet crazy people and get shot by sayid (another epic winner), oh and the ending to the shape of things to come is fucking amazing, and its all Ben Ben Ben, He will impersonate a Black Man, get his shit rocked, and he is always in fucking control of everything. Locke? Locke is the guy who goes hunting for the mystery, always is at the center of shit, and He is a total badass throughout, whether using a throwing knife to kill a british woman, hunting boar, discovering hatches or demanding Ben tell him some secrets, Locke always seems to be doin something cool and fucking shit up, be it an underground base or a submarine.

5. Joel McHale

Joel McHale Hosts the best show on TV right now in terms of making me laugh my ass off, the soup. whats on the soup? simply: its a clip show, normally fail, but mchale makes it work. How? He's totally a dick to those who have it coming. black girls on maury? mocked. little fat kids who claim bacon is good for them? hopes ruined. Tyra banks fat jokes? more than you can handle, pussy. Joel McHale, for lack of a better word, is the worlds first televised troll, he gets 30 minutes a week to ruin your shit with hilarity. whether its skanks, shows about toy trains or remarks about men in their basement playing with their organs, Joel McHale is there with a dickish remark and a pimps smile. He is quite literally, everything right with tv.